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why was I left behind?

MichelleP's picture
MichelleP
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

People keep telling me that God won't allow me to follow my husband in death because there must be some "purpose" for me. I am also aware of the religious belief that suicide is an unforgivable sin. Well, I can't find a purpose for myself now. I feel like I'm just dying inside and I want to go and be with him. I beg God each and everyday to please take me too. I walk into rooms and don't even know why I'm there. For the past 7-8 months all I have done is care for my husband and now there's "nothing".

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

Remember the screws... you are not alone.
Also, we are here crying with you.
Sometimes I think it is not efficient to try and figure out why or what purpose we are going through things. Just save that energy and learn how to pick up and move forward.
Fatima

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4630
Joined: Feb 2004

Michelle, I wish I could deliver those hugs in person. Your husband would not want you to be in such agony, he would not want you to follow him via suicide you have to find a way to go on as difficult as that is. I know I cannot personally know what you are feeling but just from knowing you here on the boards I know you are a good soul with a kind spirit and you are of great value. Please seek some help, call your doctor tell them you are struggling, call your clergy if you don't have a clergy seek one out. You need to talk with a professional who can help you sort this all out. We do not know why we are left behind we just are. Please do not hurt yourself, I will be lifting you in my prayers my friend. I cannot imagine your sorrow but I can send my love. Hugs to you Michelle!

RE

nudgie's picture
nudgie
Posts: 1480
Joined: Sep 2006

this old poem will help heal you

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."

MichelleP's picture
MichelleP
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

Thank you so much. I'm still taking one moment at a time. That's the best I can do for now. I've read that poem many times thru the years yet hadn't thought of it as this time when I need it so much. Thank you again.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1092
Joined: Jul 2009

I also know that there is a divine plan and it is definitely not your time yet, you have something very important to do yet. I nearly died of cancer myself so I know of your husbands entering that journey but for me there was something yet to do so I was spared then. As time has gone on I have realized what that reason was and you will find out your reason too. It may come tomorrow or in a few days or next week or next month but it will come. Then you will say when you realize it 'this is why I was left to carry on', it was to do this' -whatever that shall be.

When I have suffered through life in many stages of it I have always found great relief in the phrase 'Let Go and Let God'. It truly helps to let your hurt and pain go and let Him take over.

I also have sought out grief counselling for dealing with the loss of my health and relationship as my situation ended in divorce. I still go through many trials and pain as many do on this site, but through it all I know that there is still a purpose and there is a purpose for you too. I know that to be true.

I really understand how you are feeling with the house so quiet now and your many weeks of constant caregiving having come to an end but know that this will soon pass and life will go on and it will be full and rich down the road.

Do you have any friends or family who could come and stay with you through this very difficult time right after your husband's passing? If not you know you can always come to this site and speak your mind as you are doing. As you can see, there are many who will help where they can.

You know you have so much to offer to caregivers who are just embarking on their path with their loved ones and sometimes healing for ourselves takes place when we reach out and help others with all we have learned. Perhaps you could consider doing that either on this site or in a support group in your area. If it is too soon, and it may well be, then think about that if even for a minute for later on. Helping others helps to heal not only the other person but ourselves as well. You have learned so much about caregiving and write well and who knows who you can reach with the knowledge you have gained.

I know your husband is watching over you and would want you to go on with your life and be happy. Please consider the idea of finding a good grief counsellor, they are great and I have done the same thing with the grief over the loss of my health and it really was a good move.

Let me know okay? Blessings, Bluerose

MichelleP's picture
MichelleP
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

I don't know many people here where we live so yes, I'm mostly alone. Partly due to my own choosing because I don't want to bring sadness to anyone else's life. The phone has rang many times and I just can't bring myself to answer it. I don't want to talk about the weather or what's on sale this week.....not my loss, so I don't pick it up.

I have several envelopes in the mail with no doubt papers to return for bank accts etc and I haven't opened them yet either. I just walk from room to room with no purpose as to why.

I know everyone keeps telling me that God has left me behind for that so-called purpose. I don't have anything inside of me to give anymore, so my thinking is that there is no purpose.

I remember hospice telling me about a grief support group somewhere around where I live but they never gave me any information as to where. I don't even know if I can bring myself to go there because I'm just so overwhelmed with pain that I can't speak.

This dark place I'm in is somewhere I never wish for anyone to be. I'm just lost.

trish07's picture
trish07
Posts: 141
Joined: Jul 2009

Michelle, when you feel ready or maybe just take a moment to call.

St. Marys Medical Center- Apple Valley,ca.

Grief Recovery Outreach 760-242-2311 Ext.5322

Website http://www.stmaryapplevalley.com/body.cfm?id=163

Please Take Special Care of Yourself,

Trish

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1092
Joined: Jul 2009

Thanks for answering my response to your posting, I am worried about you but know that this too shall pass, it really will even though right now it's hard to believe - I have been there in other situations and you will get through it as I did. It's certainly hellish but you can do it.

I am really glad to hear that hospice told you about that grief support group. Please just muster the strength and call them to find out where and when it is and if you can get someone to go with you, great but if not then try and get there on your own. Tell hospice what a bad time you are having and maybe they will get someone to come and take you to the meeting, at least the first time. I know you feel you are so overwhelmed that you can't speak but in that group they are used to that in the beginning I'm sure and you don't have to talk right away, just listen and soon you will find that you are not alone and that there are others to support you there, which is so important right now.

I have done what you are doing too, not answered the phone when I was in a bad state but that ringing phone is people wanting to help and support you so please don't let it ring unanswered for much longer. Once I picked up the phone after my dark days the sound of a caring friend or family member went a long way to helping me get back on track.

You need to get to that meeting Michelle and if it isn't what you need please consider having a talk with your doctor soon or actually do that anyways while you wait to attend that meeting, I think that it is very important considering your feelings right now.

I know that you need time to grieve, that's totally normal, but I feel strongly that you really need people around you who know where you are coming from, like the grief group. Perhaps hospice knows of a telephone line that you can call too if you want to talk to someone voice to voice, as well as this site, there are all sorts of lines like that.

Just know Michelle that people are here for you and please continue to post and update us on how you are doing. I would love to hear that you made that call to set up an appointment with your doctor about this though and to hospice to find out when that group meets. I would also love to hear that you picked up that ringing phone to get some support that you need right now.

Take care of you right now Michelle, I know your husband would want you to do that and I think you know that too. Hugs, Michelle - I will be watching for your posts. Blessings, Bluerose

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4630
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi Michelle just wanted to check in with you as you are on my mind and in my heart. Where are you located if you do not mind me asking? I could do some research since for you to see what may be avail. in your area in the way of support. I know it is extremely difficult as I witnessed both my dad and sister work at continuing to live without their spouse. Please as hard as it is try not to close yourself in too much, open your window to let the sunshine in, it can be helpful. I am praying for you Michelle and know can get through this, your husband is still out there and he still loves you. Hugs and support!

RE

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1627
Joined: Aug 2009

Michelle - Please don't hurt yourself. Among those reasons already listed by others, I have a selfish one. Your words and thoughts have been a help to me. I need you here writing to me. I'm sure others feel the same. I am surrounded by friends and family, but I still feel alone much of the time. I try to remember the good things and the funny things. Our sons are wonderful but they have lost a father. Their hurt is different than mine. I, too, have wondered why I am the one left behind. I don't know. Early in my husband's fight, I told him that it would be easier if it was me and not him. He told me that that was a selfish thought. He didn't know how he would deal with my leaving him. Maybe that's why I am here grieving instead of him. I do believe there is a reason. Someday I may know what that reason is. In the meantime, I have to deal with his loss. It's a big hole. I don't believe in "Closure." I don't think there is such a thing, but I do believe that it will get easier with time. I will find ways to move forward one step at a time, and so will you. We can do this. Make your first step contacting Hospice. They made it clear to me that they are here for the family. Call your doctor. Make a list of things to do and try to accomplish just one thing each day. You are loved by those on this board. Blessings, Fay

MichelleP's picture
MichelleP
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

Hospice called me earlier and set me up for my first meeting with a grief support group. I'm just terrified at the thought. I need help badly I know....simply because I don't know anyone close to me who is living this nightmare. The boards are a "safe place to vent"...but in person? I called a friend of mine and she is willing to go with me thank goodness.

My son scared me even more when he said "Geeez Mom....men lurk in these places for women". Well, if they are looking for rich widows, their going to be in for a BIG surprise!

Fay, I agree that there is no closure....bit I disagree that it will get easier in time because I just feel inside that I'll simply die from a broken heart. I hear that suicide is an unforgivable sin and that's the only reason I'm still here. I know that in time my heart will simply break and I'll finally be free.

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4630
Joined: Feb 2004

Michlle I am glad to hear you are going to go to a grief support group, I think it will help you. The concept of one on one therapy is also a good idea, it helped my sister tremendously when she lost her husband to throat cancer. You are in my prayers Michelle we are here for as long as you need us.

Much Love,

RE

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

Michelle,

I ask you, I challenge you, to make a pact with your husband and with us to not hurt yourself in any way at all.

I am CERTAIN that your husband would not want you to hurt yourself and we have all expressed our concern for you.

You are a loving, generous, intelligent and valuable person.

Take your friend with you and explore the grief support. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first but be absolutely certain that they are as concerned about your welfare as we are.

Fatima

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1092
Joined: Jul 2009

Oh that's such great news Michelle, you are doing the absolute best thing for yourself - you will see. Don't worry about speaking out right away if you don't feel like it, they understand all the stages of grief there and have a way of giving you your space but helping to draw you out in time so no need to worry about the face to face talking about it all. And remember, everyone in that group has been where you are at one time or another so they really can relate to you and after hearing their stories you will not feel alone anymore in this and that will be a great comfort.

I am so glad a friend is going with you.

I don't know how old your son is, and I'm sure he is just concerned with your welfare because this is a different situation with a support group, but I don't think you have to concern yourself with that right now. They are run by professionals who know what to watch out for in a group and I have been to several support groups of all kinds and never have I seen a man taking advantage of the women in the group. As always we keep our eyes open for hastles but I really think this is a minimal issue right now in a grief support group. The person/persons who are running it will know what to look for I'm sure if that happens, but I doubt it will happen. Focus on the grief process in the group and it will help you a great deal, I just know it.

Try and take things day by day instead of looking too far ahead, you have many stages of grief and loss to go through but time does heal even though right now it seems impossible. Things happen as time goes on that can change the feelings you have right now, right now it's all so new and raw.

When is the first meeting you will attend with your friend? Do let us know how it goes. You can talk to the leader and let them know that you might just want to watch for the first meeting and they will be fine with that but I'm sure that you will find yourself getting into the conversation maybe even the first time because you will hear others saying what you are thinking and experiencing as they have all beent here at one point in their grief and loss. That's the beauty and healing power of groups like this. No doubt you might even find a friend along the way as well.

I am so proud that you are going to the meeting and so happy you are taking a friend with you - that's the first step to healing. Hugs, Bluerose

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Michelle,

After I found my brother with an electric cord around his neck, I came very close to becoming an alcoholic, needing vodka martinis to fall asleep at night. Support groups and professional counseling saved my sanity, giving me the emotional tools to cope with the subsequent deaths of our parents.

Don't worry about us men "lurkers" either, we are just as scared and grief-stricken as you are and in need of healing.

The knowledge that someone loved (loves) you unconditionally is enough to sustain you and keep you until that time in the unknown future when God calls you to join your beloved husband and all your loved ones in His kingdom.

Love and Courage!

Rick

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1092
Joined: Jul 2009

Fay was helped by you Michelle and that is one of the purposes, for sure, as to why you went through what you did and that is a wonderful thing - to help others with the experiences we have. I too have been helped by some of the things you spoke about on this site and like Fay said I am sure you are helping others too as you blog about your feelings in your grief and loss. You are needed.

Keep blogging and sharing, it's good for you in a big way and in so doing you are helping others through their traumas as well. Proud of you Michelle. Blessings, Bluerose

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1627
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm just checking in. I, too, am glad you are going to a group. We have been involved with a cancer support group, and it has been very helpful. As far as the worry that some man might hit on you at the meeting, I wouldn't worry about that. I actually have a friend who met her second husband in a grief group. It started as a friendship for many months and then blossomed into a love affair. Her son was also concerned and checked him out. Oh, the wonders of the internet. The son discovered that the man was much better off financially than she was. Life is full of surprises both good and bad. Right now, just concentrate on you. We haven't had much time to do that lately. I believe that healing takes place in many ways and that our husbands have been healed and are in God's arms. Now we need to seek healing for ourselves, not an easy thing to do. God has chosen to leave us here, and we can do this. Fay

soccerfreaks's picture
soccerfreaks
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

Michelle,

Cancer has clearly taken a great deal from you. It has taken your husband, to be sure, but it has taken days, weeks, months, from your recent past as well. Ask yourself this: Are you going to allow cancer to take even more?

I am not much for fair and unfair. In the time that I have known cancer, it is my estimation that it is simply a force of nature and that it has no bias, passes no judgement. Still, it is too often permitted to take more than it is genetically empowered to do.

Do not let it take you. Do not consider that your fight with cancer is over. It is not. It is now preying on you, Michelle. You have been fighting it, with your husband, for some time. You have experienced great and grave loss.

But everything it takes from now on, while there may be no medicine for it, no chemotherapy, no surgery, no radiation, can be prevented. The medicine is within you. It would be truly tragic if you let it win when it hasn't the power, without your help, to do so.

Do not let it take you.

Take care,

Joe

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Michelle,

As usual Joe put into words what many of us feel but can not find the right words to express.

Anyone who has read your posts knows how much you loved your husband and you fought his battle with him every day, never worrying about yourself. Now it is time for you to take care of yourself and fight to get yourself better emotionally and physically. This is what your husband would want.

Please take Joe's advice and don't let cancer take you as you are a wonderful, caring and compassionate person. The world would be a much sadder place without you!

As many others have stated, I wish I could be there to help you through this, to hold you when you cry or just a shoulder to lean on when your tired.

Please continue to post so we will all know how you are doing and continue to let us try to help you through this tragic time.

God Bless you, your friend - Glenna

pipwe1's picture
pipwe1
Posts: 53
Joined: Oct 2009

My partner died on August 4th and a social worker at Calvary Hospice recommended that I come here... she said it might help for me to see what others in my position are talking about and feeling. The first post that I find is yours Michelle and when you said that all you have done for months is care for your husband and now there is nothing it broke my heart.. I know exactly where you are coming from. The group therapy will help, I felt the same about being with a group of people and pouring my heart out. I wont lie to you, its emotional and exhausting. Im have only been to 2 meetings so far out of 10 and at both I spent the whole hour and half crying.. but I am going back and trying to deal with my pain

Just remember those screws Michelle

MichelleP's picture
MichelleP
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

Thank you all for your kind words. I visited here often and it's comforting to me. I went to my first grief support meeting last night. I didn't speak....I couldn't. I just sat there frozen listening to others. It was a small group of people and all of them were "long time" members. I'm still raw....it had only been nine days since my husband went on his journey. I will go again to perhaps the Tuesday AM meeting. I still may not be able to talk, but I owe it to my husband to try and find some strength.

My heart breaks for you pipwe.........and yes I remember those screws. I placed them in a box on my nightstand. I also picked up my husbands ashes this morning...I talked to him all the way and said:

Ok kid (my nickname for him) We're going home now. There will be no more doctors running tests....no more hospital visits....no more 911 calls...and no more pain or suffering. Now my love we shall go home and rest until we are together in heaven....to live eternity surrounded by joy and happiness.

pipwe1's picture
pipwe1
Posts: 53
Joined: Oct 2009

I have a butterfly michelle, at my partners funeral as we were standing at the grave side people kept coming over to me and saying " did you see it? did you see the butterfly?" Butterflies were our love and as we stood there in our grief one flew down and landed on the coffin paused for a while and then flew off. I didnt see it but everyone else did, they say it was my partners way of telling us that all is well and that they are still with us. I was upset that I was the only one who didnt see it. The next day I went back to the cemetary and said " well everyone saw your sign yesterday except me, I'm not leaving until you send that butterfly back, I don't care how long it takes" It took an hour but the butterfly came back.. and I sat there silently crying but knew that all was well.

Thanks for your thoughts Michelle, maybe we can try and stay strong together through this site.

Wendy

MichelleP's picture
MichelleP
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Wendy! That is a beautiful story and thank you so much for sharing it with us. Just having those "signs" from our loved ones means more than anyone who hasn't lived it to understand. That memory you will forever hold in your heart! We each have something special to help in knowing our loved ones are with us!

(((HUGS)))

PS: Here's to many more butterflies and screws!!!!!!!!!!!

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Each day will make it a little easier to bear...Please stay with us here......{{{{{hugs}}}}}.....Clift

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