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I lost my mommy

allison731's picture
allison731
Posts: 21
Joined: Oct 2009

On July 18, my mom passed away. For two years my dear mother fought her toughest battle. Unfortunately, it just wasn't enough.

She was a single mom with three kids of her own, including myself. It was just me and her in the house because the older two were off at college. I gave my life to her and cared for her as much I could, as much as a 15, 16 year old could do. For that alone, my heart breaks a little more everyday without her. I am so very lost without her. Although the loss of a parent is normal, I deserved a mom for more than sixteen years.

Not a day, minute, or second goes by where I don't think of her and her love. Being with her in her final moments is something that will never leave you. It does bring me comfort knowing she is no longer in pain. I just hope she is happy in heaven. All I want is for her to know I love her soooo much!

The things I miss the most are coming home to her from school, or calling home and hearing her answer, or just hugging and kissing her goodnight.

kitty44
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2009

I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. Nothing will ever compare to the relationship of you and you Mom, that's the hardest thing for me to grasp! I can honestly say I know how you feel. Although I am not 16 but 33 and I too lost my Mom in June 16 after battling cancer for almost 5 years! I was with her a lot the past few months of her life. I too was there with her when she died. I will never forget that night for as long as I live. I felt such relief for her when I knew she was gone.....no more pain!!! She had lived about 2 1/2 years longer than drs. expected her to. She was a fighter. Really wasn't in "bad" pain until the last 7 months. I talked to her everyday. We live about 20 mins. apart so I didn't see her everyday but we always talked. I'm a mother of two boys, 4 & 5. It's really hard on them too. I miss her a lot because I can't share my stories of my boys with her like I use to. I'm a teacher, like my Mom was, and just like you I would call her after school and we'd talk about school and now I don't have that! I still can't believe she is gone sometimes. I miss her a lot!!! I can honestly say that it is getting a little easier for me. I still think of her a 1,000 times a day and some days are more sad than other days but overall I think it's getting easier to not miss her soooooo much. It'll be 4 months since she's been gone next week, feels like it was yesterday. I don't really have a lot of comforting words to say other than I DO believe it will get easier! Just keep thinking of those "happy" thoughts, not those final moments you know? She is in NO MORE PAIN!!

I know that you feel robbed that you're only 16 and don't have a Mom. I feel the same way and I'm 33! It's not fair! One thing I do know is that God is there when we feel alone, when we wish we had our moms, when we NEED our moms.....He's there. He is taking care of us and He is listening. I can't imagine being 16 and just losing my Mom, but I bet you are a strong young lady, you went through a lot caring for you Mom. Find that strength again. If ever you need to talk I am here. I will say a prayer for you and hope that you find total peace in Him. (I know I'm still searching for it, it will take time.)

allison731's picture
allison731
Posts: 21
Joined: Oct 2009

Thank you for your very kind words and understanding. It's great to know you're not alone in what you think are the hardest things to go through, even though it's not so great how we are similar. My mom was told 5 months, but she was given 2 years, a miracle I say. Some days are better than others. Some days I smile and laugh thinking about her, and other days I cry and cry. I don't know if I will ever come to terms with losing my mother, because I am still so much in shock. I don't know how to move on... That's wonderful how you are a teacher just like your mom. Shows you two are a lot alike! Tell your boys as many memories as you can, and hopefully they will take them as their own. It's hard to be strong, missing our mom's soooo much, but our mom's wouldn't want it any other way!

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Allison, I am so sorry that you lost your mom. It's hard to lose a parent at any age, but I can only imagine the pain of losing one at your age. I am a retired teacher and taught middle and high school. Just being a teenager is hard enough without adding this kind of grief. You sound like you are a very strong young lady. I have no doubt that your mother knew that and also knew how much you loved her. Hang in there. Grieve in your own way and in your own time. As a mom I just wish I could hug you and give you comfort. Prayers and hugs. Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Allison, I'm just checking in with you. How are you doing? Hugs, Fay

allison731's picture
allison731
Posts: 21
Joined: Oct 2009

I am doing okay, taking everything one day at a time. Every day is so different from the others. My sister and brother were both home for the holidays, so I really enjoyed their company. By the way, I hope you had a great holiday. I know it is oh so difficult to not have our loved ones there on such special days. It was better than expected for me though. I just kept myself busy. But now my sister and brother moved back to where they go for college and I am the only one left here in this big house. Man, does it get lonely and it makes me miss my mom that mcuh more everyday. Everything is so empty and everywhere I go I am reminded of her, sometimes making me happy and other times making me sad. I am very truly happy my mom is in a better place but I don't think I will ever be fully comforted because of my own selfish reasons. Thanks again for checking in. Talk to you soon.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Thank you for asking about my holidays. Mine went better than expected, too. I am very blessed with a supportive family, our two sons, daughters-in-law and granddaughters. We even went on a short trip together for a couple of days after Christmas. I'm glad you had a chance to be with your brother and sister. Family is so important. I know what you mean about being alone in the house, though. There was so much to do before Christmas, that the calm after Christmas is trying. It's not really selfish to want our loved ones back. It's just human. Take care. My thoughts are with you. Fay

afterapril
Posts: 2
Joined: Jan 2010

It's literally like you took the words right out of my mouth. I lost my mom this April to lung cancer and I can't even begin to explain the way I feel. I miss everything about her - the smell of her perfume, her laugh, the click of her heels when she went out to dinner with my dad.

I know how you feel about deserving a mom for longer than that - I'm 18 now, was 17 in April and I'm filled with such an anger that I had to lose her so early. I graduate in June and I have no idea how to be excited or happy anymore without her here.

Even writing this post makes me cry. I have my good days and my bad days - but none will quite be as bright as when she was here.

If you ever need to talk, you can email me at arprice18@gmail.com.

xo

Ali

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry that you lost your mom at such a young age. Being a teenager is hard enough without such a loss. Having good days and bad days is normal as is the anger you feel. I know that knowing it's normal doesn't help, though. I'm sure your mother was very proud of you and knew how much you loved her. Moving forward will not be easy, but I know you can do it. There will continue to be good days and bad ones, even good hours or minutes and bad ones for a long time. Hopefully, you will begin to find peace. Hold on to the good memories of your mom. Take care, Fay

SamsWife
Posts: 51
Joined: Sep 2007

Dear Allison731 and afterapril,

I'm so sorry you've both lost your mommies and at such young ages. Unfortunately, having gone through this you have wisdom beyond your years and a deeper understanding of the truly important things in life that most others your age don't have yet. I'm sorry for your sadness and anger and you definitely have reason to feel that way! I would like to offer some perspective as a mother - I hope I don't offend you or minimize what you're feeling - I truly do understand those feelings. I have two different perspectives to offer. The first one is as a mother - I have four children. My husband is currently losing his battle with colon cancer and my children very soon will be losing their father. I now have some fear about what if something happens to me? My children aren't raised yet. My prayer is that I will live long enough to raise them. Having gone through this with my husband, I've thought about what will my end of life be like and how will it effect my children? HERE IS THE POINT I WANT TO MAKE: I don't want them to be consumed with sadness. I raised them to be good, kind, joyous people and I want them to enjoy the gift of their lives - the gift of life that I gave them. I want them to have fond, loving, happy memories of the time that we had together. I know they will be sad and very, very sad when they first lose me (I hope I go before them!) but I want them to move on and make the most of their lives - I want them to be happy! I don't want them to feel angry and sad all the time. I'm sure your mommies want the same for you - it sounds as if you've both had close, loving relationships with your moms and that's a wonderful blessing in life. Celebrate them and the bonds you had - think of them with happiness for the good times. Remember the bad and admire their courage and strength and yours but celebrate the good. I really believe that's what they want for you - I'm sure they're hurting knowing that you're hurting - believe me for every pain our children experience, we experience it right along with them!

People say that time heals all wounds. I don't believe that - I believe that we find a place for our grief so we can survive and have joy. There will be times in your lives that this deep pain of missing your mothers will surface - when you graduate, when you marry, when you have your children, etc. and that's okay - it just means they're still alive in you and you love and miss them. In time, you will find that place but you do have the right to live and be happy - again, that's what your moms want for you. I know about the pain of losing a parent - my father died when I was 9. He was sick for 5 years before he died and I really never got to know him very well but I still miss him and wish I had him in my life.

I'm sorry this is so long but there is one more point I want to make. You are so fortunate to have good, loving memories of your relationships with your moms. Again, I'm not taking away from what your feeling now - you're completely validated in feeling that way. My mother is still living but we don't have a close relationship. I've learned how to "deal" with her after many many years of heartache with her. My mother became an abusive alcoholic after my father died. I don't think she ever really knew how to be a mommy. My brothers and I pretty much raised ourselves. I feel very empty when I think of my mother. I don't mean for this to be a waa waa story for me. I just hope you can find more joy than anger or sadness in the time you did have with your mommies.

I do know this: you're both going to be lovely mommies!

I hope this helps and I'm sorry for being preachy.

I also wish I could give you both hugs. Take care of yourselves and take time to grieve but try to nurture joy not sadness.

JillyB's picture
JillyB
Posts: 50
Joined: Feb 2010

Hi,
I am very sorry for your loss, also. I am 36 and the one with cancer, but I think about lsoing my parents all the time, and I can't even imagine without crying. I'm not a mother, so i pribably have not much wisdom, but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, and yoiur unfair, for lack of a better word, loss.
xoxo

ellie325
Posts: 15
Joined: May 2010

Your address of mommy caught my attention. . I am sorry for your loss.I am blessed that my mom is still here. My mom and I weren't close growing up or until she got sick. On Dec. 12,2009 she ended in hospital in coma for about 4 days. We were told not to expect her to make it. My brother who was very close lives in Arizona. I was the one who was keeping him informed. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. All I remember is going back to parents house and breaking down. Crying and screaming for my mommy. I am 55 yrs. old. You were so young to have to go through what you did.I know she is happy and at peace in heaven with God's arms around her. Know that she hears you and gives you hugs & kisses. I hope you get all the support you need .

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