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Feeling Alone

KCKitty
Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2009

HI, I;M NEW TO THE BOARD. I'M NOT SURE I ENTERED THIS IN THE RIGHT FORMAT. I JUST HAD A DOUBLE MASTECTOMY JUNE 3RD FOLLOWED BY A FIERCE INFECTION AND EXPANDER RECONSTRUCTION. I WAS FEELING PRETTY GOOD I HAD SURVIVED ALL THIS WITH A GOOD ATTITUDE, BUT MY HUSBAND IS STRUGGLING WITH IT ALL. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD GET ADDITIONAL SURGERY FOR HIM BUT I'VE HAD IT! I CRIED ALL DAY, I THOUGHT I WAS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD CONSIDERING , BUT NOW I FEEL TERRIBLE. ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS WOULD BE APPRECIATED. KCKITTY

tiny one
Posts: 467
Joined: Jan 2009

You have been thru alot. The first thought that came to my mind is, your husband is struggling with this. What a putz! Only do the reconstruction if that's what you want. We're hear on this board to be supportive.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

I agree with tiny one, you get surgery for YOU not anyone else and if you really feel YOU want it BUT this has just happened to you and it's alot to handle. It's too soon to start talking about other surgeries, you are still healing from the last one and doubtlessly have to face alot of emotional issues of your own first.

This is YOUR body, you do what you need to for YOU, not for what someone else might want. I would suggest that rather you tampering with your body to help your husband deal, find a good psychologist or therapist to have him help your husband deal. Cancer is hard on the whole family and I know that your husband is going through his own part in it but he needs to take responsibility for his feelings and thoughts and talk to a professional to help him through, you aren't responsible for his feelings about YOUR body and shouldn't be altering yourself to solve his issues.

You have gone through enough, you don't need this on top of it. He needs to pony up and see someone to discuss how he is or isn't handling it. If he won't go to a psychologist maybe his family doctor, or yours, can have a chat with him about it.

All the best. Blessings, Bluerose

KCKitty
Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2009

Thank you everyone for all the support. I've decided to slow down and take a breath and wait before making any decision about surgery. I ordered nipples via the mail. Can't wait for the ups guy to arrive! Thank you again. KCKitty

Victoria1566
Posts: 23
Joined: Oct 2009

My family is great with getting things done but not emotional support. I joke with my friends that I was raised by wolves, and I could give you some examples of their lack of emotional support for me during my battle with breast cancer this summer and during my husband's unsuccessful battle with leukemia two years ago. I held a grudge over their behavior two years ago, but this time it made me laugh. I know that sounds strange, but it I just suddenly realized that they were not going to change, and I either had to continue to be angry or just accept them where they were. Luckily, I have a friend to laugh with about the things they say and do. I don't know if this helps......some people are just horrible at dealing with other people's pain. With my sisters, I have decided to love them anyway.

sue Siwek
Posts: 281
Joined: Jun 2009

i am thinking that maybe your husband like most men, are hard pressed how to handle a touchy situation. it is possible that he doesn't care that you haven't any breast but thinks that maybe it bothers you. hence, he is suggesting that you have reconstruction. men are strange that way and maybe the real concern for him is that he will lose you, or that you will feel less with out "boobs". i have not experienced this situation but have had a reverse situation where my husband has been left unable to be a lover to me and is concerned that i am needful. i am not, just want him to be well and enjoy what time we have with our children and grandchildren. maybe a frank discussion is needed between the two of you.

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

That makes a lot of sense. Sort of like when the wife asks "does this dress make me look fat?"... better say "no" if you want to dance with her at the party!
There are lots of things I lie to about my husband because to say the blatant truth about it would make him uncomfortable...like that belly of his - it is about time we went to labor and delivery for that!
Fatima

KCKitty
Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2009

LOL, I needed that!

KCKitty
Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 2009

Hi Sue,

I just had my third surgery 3 weeks ago the last being for implants but things are not what they used to be. I lost alot of tissue ect. because of infection , on the whole I feel like I look ok. I have tried to talk to my Husband but he is not a good communicator. He says I look fine but is not coming around at all. I am starting to question 25 years of marriage and if I want to deal with this. When I asked him how he felt if I did not get surgery he stated I needed to ask myself how I would feel if something happened to him and how I would feel with someone new. Go figure.

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

Strange with some men you ask them a direct question and yet they still cannot give a direct answer.
He is just going to have to learn how to deal with your situation. It may take him longer.
Fatima

sue Siwek
Posts: 281
Joined: Jun 2009

as you are getting use to the way things are so is he. as you become more comfortable with yourself i will bet that he will to. give him a chance. in the mean time heal you have been through a lot and so has he.

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