Bad day - just venting here
Today was a big day for me - I started back at work and had my radiation simulation.
On the way back from the simulation I started to cry in the car and told my husband that I wonder if this is worth it. It wasn't that anything BAD had happened but I ended up being in there for over an hour because the doctor had to adjust some measurements. I was drawn on three times (with marker) and had to lay there with my arms above my head the whole time. Then I got my "tatoos". I start my radiation treatments tomorrow and it looks like I'll be done mid-November.
I know it's worth it, just the thought of driving 45 minutes each way every morning and then having to work the rest of the day makes me tired.
I got to work at 10:00 and by 12:30 I was exhausted. I made it until 3:00 before I left to go home. I don't understand how I could work 9-14 hours a day before and can hardly make it through five hours now.
Thanks for the support and all of your postings. I really enjoy reading what everyone else is going through - I know I'm not alone in this. The jokes are also always a welcome break in my day.
Comments
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(((Hugs))) I have been more
(((Hugs))) I have been more tired for the last several months, I mean several months, and i don't know if I'm just kinda depressed, or bored or what! This is even before I found out I had breast cancer. I am feeling better with losing 40 pounds, but I'm just weary and tired of everything. I take Wellbutrin and I really don't want to take anthing more or different.
That is quite a distance to have to drive daily for several weeks. I only have about a 20 min drive to where I will get my RADS, probably starting next month. I have my initial visit on Oct 5th, I'm having hernia surgery on the 8th. I'm hoping I can maybe get my SIM before the surgery, have a week to rest up, and then start mid Oct.0 -
Wolfi, you have every right
Wolfi, you have every right to vent and to cry. Hey, we all do it. I think it is the norm for having bc and for going thru all that we do. I have been posting my daily rads in the hope that I can squelch some fears and to hopefully help someone in some small way.
My hubby drives home 1/2 hour everyday to pick me up, then we drive 1 1/2 hours to the cancer center one way. So, he is on the road over 4 hours to take me and bring me home and he has never complained once and he won't. He realizes how important rads are to save my life. So see, lots of us have to drive a lot to get thru our treatments, but, it is worth it. We are fighting for our lives and it is necessary.
Can you possibly work less hours or take a leave of absence? That would help you out a lot. Please check into it.
My simulation took an hour and a half, but, it wasn't that uncomfortable for me because I kept thinking how it was going to save my life. So, that made any uneasiness bearable. See, I am a strong believer in mind over matter. And, it works for me.
I will pray for you Wolfi and hope that you feel better!
Sue
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Well, I hope I don't have toRitzy said:Wolfi, you have every right
Wolfi, you have every right to vent and to cry. Hey, we all do it. I think it is the norm for having bc and for going thru all that we do. I have been posting my daily rads in the hope that I can squelch some fears and to hopefully help someone in some small way.
My hubby drives home 1/2 hour everyday to pick me up, then we drive 1 1/2 hours to the cancer center one way. So, he is on the road over 4 hours to take me and bring me home and he has never complained once and he won't. He realizes how important rads are to save my life. So see, lots of us have to drive a lot to get thru our treatments, but, it is worth it. We are fighting for our lives and it is necessary.
Can you possibly work less hours or take a leave of absence? That would help you out a lot. Please check into it.
My simulation took an hour and a half, but, it wasn't that uncomfortable for me because I kept thinking how it was going to save my life. So, that made any uneasiness bearable. See, I am a strong believer in mind over matter. And, it works for me.
I will pray for you Wolfi and hope that you feel better!
Sue
Well, I hope I don't have to have my arms above my head for an hour and a half! Last time i had to keep them there for any length of time was for the CT scan. That night my upper chest was killing me. I needed on of my Percosets that they gave me for my lumpectomy surgery. Didn't even need it then, but geez, I don't know why my chest hurt so bad!0 -
I am really glad that you
I am really glad that you didn't say you are complaining~ because vent was truly the right word. And yes, of course you know that it is worth it~ and exhaustion/crying are not only permissable, but pretty much expected! I need not remind you not just what you are going through, but what got you to this point in the first place!It is difficult to believe, but this will honestly become part of your past sooner than you think.
I am sorry that you have such a distance to get to rads; once everything is in place, the good news is that the rads won't take much out of your day. (except for the getting 2 and from, that is!) It generally takes longer to get undressed than to get "zapped"!
Vent whenever you need/want to~as you have certainly come to know, there is really no place just like this one.
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
HusbandRitzy said:Wolfi, you have every right
Wolfi, you have every right to vent and to cry. Hey, we all do it. I think it is the norm for having bc and for going thru all that we do. I have been posting my daily rads in the hope that I can squelch some fears and to hopefully help someone in some small way.
My hubby drives home 1/2 hour everyday to pick me up, then we drive 1 1/2 hours to the cancer center one way. So, he is on the road over 4 hours to take me and bring me home and he has never complained once and he won't. He realizes how important rads are to save my life. So see, lots of us have to drive a lot to get thru our treatments, but, it is worth it. We are fighting for our lives and it is necessary.
Can you possibly work less hours or take a leave of absence? That would help you out a lot. Please check into it.
My simulation took an hour and a half, but, it wasn't that uncomfortable for me because I kept thinking how it was going to save my life. So, that made any uneasiness bearable. See, I am a strong believer in mind over matter. And, it works for me.
I will pray for you Wolfi and hope that you feel better!
Sue
My husband works (12 hour) nights so he has to drive me when he is suppose to be sleeping in the morning. He does not complain about having to take me to any of my appointments. He does not want me to drive myself because he worries about me becoming too tired and getting into an accident. I think I feel worse for him having to change his whole sleeping pattern just for me even though he does it without thinking twice about it.
I just got off my leave of absence but I am on reduced hours. I can work some from home (after a nap....) so I'm not going to push myself while I'm going through my radiation treatments. I talked to my boss last week and I can just "wing it" with my hours for a while until I see how I feel - work whatever times for a long as I feel up to it. Today was just the first day back and I didn't expect to be so worn out after a couple hours.
I did the mind over matter thing while I was waiting for an hour for them to finish with the simulation. There was one point when I though: "What would happen if I just sat up right now while this machine was moving?" - my thought process has a mind of its own sometimes...... It wasn't too bad except my right arm (the bad side) was kind of numb when I was done.0 -
Wolfi, you and I are on the
Wolfi, you and I are on the same plan girlfriend. I go for my first stuff Thursday. I have to drive an hour each way and will go to work after treatment too, unless I go after work which sounds even worse. I'm already exhausted thinking about it.
Dee0 -
Wolfi, You have got itdyaneb123 said:Wolfi, you and I are on the
Wolfi, you and I are on the same plan girlfriend. I go for my first stuff Thursday. I have to drive an hour each way and will go to work after treatment too, unless I go after work which sounds even worse. I'm already exhausted thinking about it.
Dee
Wolfi, You have got it tough! I left work early to go to rads, so I could go home & rest. Then I went back to work, but it was at my own speed. So sorry it is so rough right now.
However, once you get started it does go fast. And your rads techs will be great--it takes a special personality.
Hugs & prayers sent your way...0 -
Hi Wolfi
Im not doing radiation but I am doing chemo and have 1 more cycle to go. It is really exhausting. I am working too. Last week I worked 35 hours but then I had chemo on friday so today was tough for me. I only had to work 1/2 day. Maybe you could reduce your hours a little while youre going thru all this. You dont want to get sick in the middle of everything.
As for the tears, mine still come...not quite as often but they are still there. I wish I had my life back the way that it was but I know it will never be the same...maybe it will be better, I dont know.
REmember you have the right to vent, to cry and to be down in the dumps at times...but dont let yourself get into it for too long...
Hugs to you
LInda T0 -
Hi Wolfi...
So sorry to hear the fatigue is hitting you hard. I was one that felt like everything was pulled from my body the DAY that my name and the word "cancer" was spoken in the same sentence. I have never recovered my energy yet. I say "yet" because I know it will not stay this way forever and I am not that far into treatment overall. I was zapped of my energy from the get go and truly look forward to regaining it back. It is tuff though just getting through each day when you don't "feel" like you will ever perk up again. Hang in there. It does feel like it will be a long haul in the beginning, but you will see the light at the end of the tunnel in short order. You may find that you will need to work around "work". I am on a leave until November (I took 6 months) so I can concentrate on just my healing. I am so ready to go back to work. But I could never make it with the fatigue I still have. I get exhausted easily. At best, I would make it 2 hours tops. Our bodies just plain need the rest during all of this and we can not wish it any different. Hope you find what works for you and remember, we are always a click away. ♥Pammy0 -
WolfiAkiss4me said:Hi Wolfi...
So sorry to hear the fatigue is hitting you hard. I was one that felt like everything was pulled from my body the DAY that my name and the word "cancer" was spoken in the same sentence. I have never recovered my energy yet. I say "yet" because I know it will not stay this way forever and I am not that far into treatment overall. I was zapped of my energy from the get go and truly look forward to regaining it back. It is tuff though just getting through each day when you don't "feel" like you will ever perk up again. Hang in there. It does feel like it will be a long haul in the beginning, but you will see the light at the end of the tunnel in short order. You may find that you will need to work around "work". I am on a leave until November (I took 6 months) so I can concentrate on just my healing. I am so ready to go back to work. But I could never make it with the fatigue I still have. I get exhausted easily. At best, I would make it 2 hours tops. Our bodies just plain need the rest during all of this and we can not wish it any different. Hope you find what works for you and remember, we are always a click away. ♥Pammy
You may find that you will have to take a short disability leave from your job. I hope that is an option for you. And if not, then maybe you can shorten your hours, or, take rads at the end of the day. That way you can just go home then and rest hopefully. You will have to get your rest as just the daily going to rads will zap a lot of your energy. My cancer center was about an hour and a half away, so, hubby and I had quite a drive too. But, I enjoyed that time with him. We always tried to make it special!
Kristin ♥0 -
I first want to commend you
going back to work through this is exhausting in itself. You have every right to cry and vent girl. I think we all feel like a burden on our support people. You are very blessed to have your husband to be there and want to help you through it. And if he didnt drive you, he probably wouldnt be able to get his normal sleep right now anyways because he would be too worried about you, so thats something to think about. Just know that someday soon, you will have made it through all this. I think its great that your boss is letting you go at your own pace. Take advantage of it. Of course you are going to be exhausted, thats only normal. Try to stay strong and come and cry and vent all you want to here. TAke care
laura0 -
Thanks everyonelolad said:I first want to commend you
going back to work through this is exhausting in itself. You have every right to cry and vent girl. I think we all feel like a burden on our support people. You are very blessed to have your husband to be there and want to help you through it. And if he didnt drive you, he probably wouldnt be able to get his normal sleep right now anyways because he would be too worried about you, so thats something to think about. Just know that someday soon, you will have made it through all this. I think its great that your boss is letting you go at your own pace. Take advantage of it. Of course you are going to be exhausted, thats only normal. Try to stay strong and come and cry and vent all you want to here. TAke care
laura
Your responses made me feel better.
I had my first radiation treatment yesterday and I had slight panic moment when they started the machine - I felt like I wanted to jump off the table and run out of the room. I asked the technicians and my doctor specific questions about how the radiation works and was happy with their answers. I think the fear was mostly of the unknown.
Today was a breeze and I was out of there with 15 minutes. It took longer to undress/dress than it did for the treatment (just like people have said). Only 31 more to go..... :-)0 -
Good Wolfi! I told you itWolfi said:Thanks everyone
Your responses made me feel better.
I had my first radiation treatment yesterday and I had slight panic moment when they started the machine - I felt like I wanted to jump off the table and run out of the room. I asked the technicians and my doctor specific questions about how the radiation works and was happy with their answers. I think the fear was mostly of the unknown.
Today was a breeze and I was out of there with 15 minutes. It took longer to undress/dress than it did for the treatment (just like people have said). Only 31 more to go..... :-)
Good Wolfi! I told you it wasn't scary. lol I don't know why anyone thinks the machine is scary. Mine wasn't. The MRI machine, now that is scary! lol
You will do fine! If your hubby is with you and you both have time, do something fun after the treatment, like a reward. I love rewards! lol
Sue 0 -
:-|
Hi Wolfi, I am so sorry you had such a rough day it can all be so overwhelming at times. Keep in mind if it all becomes too much you can not work and perhaps go on disability while you are in this treatment. Now that said it is doable and it is all worth it, you will get through this and you can come here and vent anytime you wish to do so.
Sending many hugs your way,
RE0 -
3rd treatmentRitzy said:Good Wolfi! I told you it
Good Wolfi! I told you it wasn't scary. lol I don't know why anyone thinks the machine is scary. Mine wasn't. The MRI machine, now that is scary! lol
You will do fine! If your hubby is with you and you both have time, do something fun after the treatment, like a reward. I love rewards! lol
Sue
I went today for my 3rd treatment and it went really fast. My skin is starting to get pink in the radiation area.
My husband took me (like usual) but I did not go to work today. I had a flu shot yesterday and woke up this morning with a sore throat and slight stomach ache. Not sure if it's a cold and something I ate or the flu.... We went out for a late breakfast and then came home and I tried to take a nap but only slept for about 20 minutes.0 -
radsRitzy said:Wolfi, you have every right
Wolfi, you have every right to vent and to cry. Hey, we all do it. I think it is the norm for having bc and for going thru all that we do. I have been posting my daily rads in the hope that I can squelch some fears and to hopefully help someone in some small way.
My hubby drives home 1/2 hour everyday to pick me up, then we drive 1 1/2 hours to the cancer center one way. So, he is on the road over 4 hours to take me and bring me home and he has never complained once and he won't. He realizes how important rads are to save my life. So see, lots of us have to drive a lot to get thru our treatments, but, it is worth it. We are fighting for our lives and it is necessary.
Can you possibly work less hours or take a leave of absence? That would help you out a lot. Please check into it.
My simulation took an hour and a half, but, it wasn't that uncomfortable for me because I kept thinking how it was going to save my life. So, that made any uneasiness bearable. See, I am a strong believer in mind over matter. And, it works for me.
I will pray for you Wolfi and hope that you feel better!
Sue
Hi,I am new with all this and have not even had surgery yet but I was thinking about you having a hard time with the waiting for the marking,,and was wondering,,do they let you wear an ipod for music ,,I really was glad they let me wear ear phones when I had my mri cuz it really made the time go by better, best to u,kathy in ga.0 -
Wolfi
Wolfi,
It's alright to feel what your are feeling. I used to work 16 hour days with no problems. Eat and shower and do it all over again. Now, it is a struggle to get through an eight hour shift. There are times I have to go into work late due to the fact I am in the bathroom with diarrhea. There are also times I have to leave work early because I desperately need a nap. My boss goes along with it but he doesn't understand. He thinks you have chemo, take a couple of days off and you are back to normal. I ignore him and do what my body needs. I am not going to end up in the hospital just because he wants me to continue working when my body is saying it can't go on.
The other day, he commented on how slow I am at getting things done - my field work, my reports, etc. He said this in front of one of my peers. He is always trying to cut me down in front of people. He thinks it makes him look big and bad. I think it makes him look like an ****. Anyway, I went into his office (without an audience)and told him, "I'll make you a deal, I will give you 4 rounds of chemo and see how quickly you get things done." He said he wasn't doing chemo and said I was slow before chemo. I asked him how come you tell the men to take their time to get things right and with me you are always pushing me to get it done quicker and of course, it is never enough. There was no reply.
My point....don't let anyone push you. Do what you need to do for you to get well. Listen to your body and give it what it needs. Remember there are laws protecting you and your place at work while you deal with cancer.
P0 -
Wolfi - so glad that you are
Wolfi - so glad that you are venting here. Like others have said, this is a time when YOU come first. It's hard to get our caregiver brains around that idea, but in the end, it's best for everybody. Just think what you would tell your best friend to do if he or she described how you are feeling, and then do it. xoxoxo Lynn0 -
Caregiver brainlynn1950 said:Wolfi - so glad that you are
Wolfi - so glad that you are venting here. Like others have said, this is a time when YOU come first. It's hard to get our caregiver brains around that idea, but in the end, it's best for everybody. Just think what you would tell your best friend to do if he or she described how you are feeling, and then do it. xoxoxo Lynn
Lynn,
You hit the nail on the head with your post. My "caregiver brain" has a hard time getting past the fact that the company won't crumble to the ground if I'm only there a few hours a day (or don't show up at all). I was gone for a month and everything is pretty much like it was when I left so I don't know why it's hard for me to realize it's not a big deal if I'm not working full time right away.
There were many years when I made most of the meals, did most of the shopping, did most of the cleaning, most of the child care, and got as much work done as 1 1/2 or 2 people at my job. Going from that to: sleeping many hours a day, having people make food for me, clean for me and finish all my projects at work is a huge change. I know now that I still need to concentrate on myself first and worry about work later, it's just a big adjustment to make.
Before I came back last Monday I told my boss that I wanted to work on some special projects that I hadn't had time to do (because I was always so busy). I told him that my plan was to keep letting my staff do the work (of mine) that I delegated to them before I left on leave. On Monday (before I got to work) he told my whole department that HE had decided that they will keep doing the work they have been given and that I will work on special projects. What a jerk! Oh well, I guess it makes him feel important or something.0
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