Last night was the worst night of my life. The pain woke me up around 4AM and it was the nearest thing to "unbearable" I have ever experienced. I took 3 Vicodin with the span of one hour and it didn't touch it. This AM I called the Oncologist's nurse and told her I could not hold out for 5 more days - until my surgery on Tuesday. She called me back and said she had scheduled a paracentesis for 12:15. By the time the procedure actually got underway, it was 2:30, but it relieved 99% of my pain and I am very, very grateful. They drained off 3 liters of greenish/yellow fluid.
While I was on the phone with the nurse, I asked about my CT scan report, and it's not good. There are swollen lymph nodes adjacent to the abdominal arota and "caking" throughout the omentum. She thinks we are looking at Stage 3, at best.
I have cried buckets - maybe a small river (or at least a stream). Everytime I talk to my daughter, my voice breaks, or her voice breaks, and we have another cloud burst. I am trying so hard to hold myself together for my kids and my grandchildren. My oldest granddaughter is a senior in high school and I am worried that my illness is impacting her work. A topic in a class discussion yesterday sent her into a torrent of tears and the teacher had to take her out of the the classroom for a half hour.
This is so unfair to the people who love us. The more I think about it, the more I understand why elephants go off by themselves to die.
On a happier note.......I am so looking forward to a good night's sleep. I am taking my meds and hopping between the covers right now!
I fall asleep saying my prayers. It is the most effective relaxation technique in the world. I will be praying for my fellow warriors as I fall asleep tonight. God bless you and keep you strong.
