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Lost my husband 6 weeks ago at 31. Left to raise our 3 year old son on my own.

kmo1009's picture
kmo1009
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2009

Heartbroken. Six weeks ago I lost my husband after a 9 month battle with a rare form of cancer (neuroendocrine tumor). He was the love of my life and my best friend. He was the best person I knew. At only 31 I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. Our 3 year old son will never TRULY know who his daddy is. It just breaks my heart.

How do you move on after a loss like this? How do you survive the pain and the sadness? I've been seeing a therapist since early this year and she tells me the only real way to get through is to just dive right in. I feel like there have to be tricks to do this. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. A year ago we were enjoying our family vacation on Cape Cod and know my son and I are alone. I just can't fathom it.

zahalene's picture
zahalene
Posts: 624
Joined: Nov 2005

to have any great wisdom to offer you, for I have not walked in your shoes.
I do, however, think you are wise to be involved in therapy, both for your own mental and emotional healing as well as that of your son. I am sure you know that he will follow your lead in dealing with this and many more issues in his future. You are setting a good example by letting him know that when we need help we ask for it. And even grown-ups need help sometimes.
I pray God's abundant blessings on your and your son's future.

curtandterry
Posts: 2
Joined: Sep 2009

I'm so sorry for you and your son's loss! Please know you are both in my prayers. I don't have the words to say, only that I know God, will give you comfort if you lean on him. My husband is fighting stage 4 esophageal cancer. We have 5 children, 5 grandchildren and 1 on the way. Our youngest 2 children are boys, age 17 and 15. It's truly a struggle everyday but we lean on our heavenly Father, through his son Jesus Christ, for hope and strenghth. May God bless you and your son for now and always.

alcorn
Posts: 8
Joined: Sep 2009

am so so sorry and sympathise whole-heartedly. Just lost my husband, aged 45, here in Belgium about 2-3 weeks ago to rare aggressive lymphoma. Heartbroken and in total disbelief. "they" say it gets easier -hope it helps to know others understand. let me know how you and son doing. sending lots of understanding and sympathy across continents in the hope it lifts you a little....

akbetty
Posts: 38
Joined: Apr 2009

I sympathize with what you are going through. I lost my husband 6 days ago, and even after 2 and a half years of fighting cancer, I feel like it went so fast I can hardly believe it. He was the love of my life, my best friend, and a huge presence in the lives of everyone who knew him. I feel so sad that my youngest, who turned 4 a week before my husband died, will never really know her dad, not the way the older two do (they are 13 and 18). I spend a lot of time just wandering around the house--there are a ton of things I could and should do, cleaning, phone calls, etc., but nothing makes much sense right now. I guess we are lucky to have little ones, because they need more immediate care than older kids, and we can't just crawl under the covers--we are forced to keep going. I'm sorry I don't have any real words of wisdom for you. I just wanted to say that you are not alone. God bless.
Betty

joanneire
Posts: 75
Joined: Jun 2005

Hi

So sorry for your loss. My husband is 30 (as am I) and in the final stages of colon cancer. It is unlikely that he will last more than another two weeks. He has battled for five years and just can't take much more. We have a 13 month old and another baby due in 7 weeks. It is horrific.

cunicorn
Posts: 8
Joined: Aug 2009

I am sorry for your loss and god bless you. I recently lost my husband oct 22, 2009, and i miss him more than i thought it was possible to miss somone. i can only tell you that doing one day at a time is how you have to do, your doing the right thing and therapy can help. i figure the next year is going to be the next hardest thing i have to get through,(the first being i lost my husband to cancer). I know that the past two weeks have been tough and i get told that time has a way of easing the pain, but you will alway know the pain, may god walk beside and give you many blessing in the future, you will get through this, because you have to, but know that you will meet again. take life a hour at a time and then one day at a time is all you can do.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago after a 6 yr. battle with colon cancer. We had been married for 42 years so you know I'm no youngster. I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to lose a husband so young. Our children are grown with children of their own. My heart goes out to you. Even though I have lived more years than you, I don't have any words of wisdom. I, too, feel great sadness and loneliness. I am glad you are getting help. I hope you have a good support system also. That's what really helps me. Our sons are great. They were here with me during the last few days and call regularly. I also have a strong church family that checks on me. The hurt is there, though. The house is empty without him. I'm trying to take care of all the business of living now and learning to live with my new normal day by day. I hope coming to this board helps. It has helped me. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your son. Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

deleted

jamjoe
Posts: 6
Joined: Oct 2009

i was care giver just lost my mom to lynch sydrome colon cancer 2 weeks ago. i recently became a 5 yrs survivor of late stage 3 and 10 years a go was cagegiver to my brother to died of the same illness.
but my mom was never one to complain a child from the depression she took what life dished out and survived a happy 86yrs. but this i must share with you. when she was 40 she was pregnant with my youngest brother and a family of 13 . my dad died suddenly from heart attack at home and my little brother was born 3 months later and never met him. today he is 40.
and seems to be ok in this crazy world. but when you feel the weight of the world falling in on you just remeber that there is always someone somewhere out there who got through the tough times and later call it history.
i dont know if this helps but i wrote this quote into my moms eulogy

" he who learns must suffer, and even in ourdeepest sleep, pain that falls drop by drop upon the heart, and even in our own dispair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awesome grace of god."

aeschylus greek playwright said that long time ago.

i hope it helps you today.the deeper you suffer the wiser you become. my mom was one of the wisest people anyone ever met.and let me say that i recently have become a few drops wiser myself.

lauramaze
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2009

I think you’re an amazing woman, and you are so strong. My husband is 28 and has stage 4 kidney cancer, with a very poor prognosis. Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary and most likely our last. Two years ago when he was first was diagnosed his oncologist recommended we get pregnant before he started cheemo, because cheemo makes you sterile. I got pregnant, and then came the CT scan that revealed the cancer had spread like wild fire. With all the stress, I miscarried. I am writing to you know because I only wish I could of had that child with him before he leaves. I told my husband that I wish I could take his place, to be with our baby in heaven.

I hope you can find joy this Thanksgiving knowing your husband left you with an angel.

God Bless

Laura

jamjoe
Posts: 6
Joined: Oct 2009

dear laura
you are a beautiful person.
i cant imagine where u are at in your struggle.

the "its not fair" part falls to" acceptance, reluctlantly"
surrender provides open borders to speak and think hurtful things
but also the ability to say and do the most loveable things ever thought

make the most of what u have and hold on.... hold on thight to what you have done
cause something like this only comes along once in your life, marking you deeply
and making you stronger. your husband knows that.

i am speaking from an educated viewpoint i am a late stage 3 survivor. i was caregiver to my brother who died at 33yr / 2 young boys 6 .8 yrs old i filled in for a while as dad. and 3 weeks ago lost my mom to the same colon cancer that we all had she was 86.i was her primary caregiver. you bet it still hurts.. i accepted it will for a while. and i learned more than i could from any book. g ood luck in the future
feel free to reply. i hope i was helpful
jamjoe

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

Laura, I think most of us caregivers wish we could trade places with our loved ones. Also, keep hope alive. My husband was told that the average survival of someone at his stage was 22 months. He lived a little over six years. We celebrated every anniversary as if it was the last and every other holiday as well. We accepted that he was just buying time and we decided to make the best of whatever time he had. I am much older than you and was married for 42 years. I can only imagine how you must feel at your age. I can only tell you that there is never enough time. Hold tight to each other, make some memories, and say, "I love you" often. Fay

brenda40
Posts: 2
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Fay,
I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband has been battling this beast for 1 and a half years. Said it was gone then nodules appeared in the lung... Said infection...lungs clear....more nodules last month. Antiobiotics again. I know how frustrating this is for him because it is for me as well. I loved your closing....Make some memories, hold tight to each other. This is not happening. It will barely talk to me let alone hold my hand. He seems angry with me. I try to talk to him ^& he just wont. Any wisdom here? Thanks, Brenda

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

Wisdom is hard to come by. I was so blessed that Doug wanted to talk and hold hands. He had not always been the most communicative guy, but he thought I had the harder role to play as caregiver and gave me lots of support. Your husband probably isn't mad at you. He is mad at the disease and how his life is changing. I'm sorry you both are dealing with this. I understand the stress both of you are under. You might try even telling him that you really need a hug and see what happens. Take care of yourself, too. Fay

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4606
Joined: Feb 2004

I am truly sorry for your and your son's loss. I have lost my mom, sister and several others to cancer but not the love of my life I cannot say how to go on from there. I can only say you are most certainly blessed to have such a beautiful son who I am betting with a mom who writes so lovingly about her husband will come to know him through your words. I wish I could make this better for you, you will be in my prayers and my heart.

RE

djbfamily
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2010

I am sitting here with tears falling, I am you. My husband died from esophogeal cancer after battling it for 10 months, he was 41. We were the perfect couple, together for 20 years, married for 15. I miss him so much; my heart breaks every minute of everyday. I have 3 young daughters that adore their Daddy; he was our everything. Today I searched for a place to reach out, to ask someone "How do I do this everyday?" I see that you posted in August, how are you doing it?

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

I am so sorry someone else has to go through this horrible cancer. I so can feel your pain. I too just sat here and cried reading your post. It seems when I am down and think I am the only person going through this terrible pain I see that I am not alone at all. I lost the love of my life three months ago from Esophogeal Cancer. We were married for 25 years and have four children. Our kids are 22,19,17 year old boys and a 10 year old daughter who of course was daddy's girl and thought her daddy could do no wrong. You asked the same question I have asked time and time again " How do I do this everyday?" I think for me the answer is just you talk yourself into getting up because the kids need you and then you just like I think Fay said " You just put one foot in front of the other." My 10 year old is starting to have problems and is starting counseling next week with a psycholigist. She is seeing a hospice counselor which is helping a little bit. I think my husband battled this terrible disease the same exact time, 10 months from the time of finding out to the chemo, radiation, then surgery. I never thought he wouldn't get better but after 5 times in the hospital they told us there was nothing else they could do so he wanted to come home and home is where he came. He died four days later in my arms with my three sons right around him. I was so glad he wasn't in any more pain. I think that is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes knowing I he is not in anymore pain. Grandmafaye also said which I am starting to agree and see a little after three months. It may not get better but it will get easier. Just please take one day at a time and please know there are people like me out here that know what you are going through and if i can help let me know. Thinking of you.
Haley

JRANESH1105
Posts: 3
Joined: Jan 2010

please accept my deepest sympathy to you and your son i know this feeling all too well. I lost my husband 3months ago to a very aggressive cancer after his battle of 1 and half years. our 2nd wedding anniversary passed and he was in the hospital unaware of it he was in a coma for the last 3wks of his life. He was also 31 as well. I have no answers for you how to move on but my best advice is don't be alone...as i write my tears flow because i know if it were not for my family by my side and only a phone call away i would have hit the mental asylum already. Seeing a therapist is a plus i am looking into that myself...just know that it will take baby steps and its ok to to take a a step now and then...
take care

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