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Nervous breakdown?-not for the faint

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

I think that I'm deciding against a hospital stay and treatment-and I know what this means. This means, at the rate that my tumor is growing, that I will be very lucky to spend Christmas with my parents and family. I think this is what I'm going to do. I don't want them to put me through hell, and then not make it. But sometimes, I really want to FIGHT, but sometimes that is very scary because of the risks involved.

Is there anyone that has seen someone pass away from a brain tumor? I don't mean to be insensitive, but I am trying to make the most important decision of my life, and I'm wondering about the process-what my docs haven't told me.

I'm very scared. I know you all are dealing with things, I'm not the only one, so I appreciate you reading my post. I'm about to try fall asleep, so this is an exhausted post-my apologies. I feel terrified tonight.

MinnieMN

JH32
Posts: 19
Joined: Nov 2008

Minnie-
I am 1 year post prostate cancer surgery and I can only tell you that the ups and downs are unimaginable. I do have a friend (from high school) who had a brain tumor in 1983 and it wasn't diagnosed until he couldn't move. They ignored it. He had an operation and radiation and is still alive today.

My neighbor has a brain tumor and just finished surgery and chemo this week. She is functioning, interacting with her kids and fighting. Each person needs to make their own decision and I would suggest talking to your doc's seriously about your life style after they are done so that you know what to expect/prepare for.

I want to say you must fight- but I've felt the same as you at times. My business partner and a friend both got throat cancer at the same time. My partner went through all his treatments even though they were tough. Neither was given more than a 15% chance of making it. My other friend stopped treatments about 3/4 of the way through and didn't make it. Talk to your family for support and muster the strength- but there is always hope.
Good luck to you and know that we all go through doubt. Jim

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

My mother at the age of 49 In 1981 i took care of her, there is really no pain she just went into a coma died she had the weakness on the right side little by little she lost controll she could not talk or walk but no pain She did not want chemo and died 6 months afer being dx. I wished she would of tried something but she said why i will die anyways she was so strong. I was 24 then i am 51 just lost my husband to colon cancer and my only brother was just dx with brain cancer last month. I hope i didn't say to much my prayers are with you and everyone fighting this cancer.

michelle

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

My best friend died of Brain cancer earlier this year, its still hard for me to think about it and I think that I have blocked it out...she told me she was tired and I didn't take the hint. I got a phone call one night and was informed of her passing. She told me that she wanted to be with her mother and she said she was tired...Please, call your folks, let them know what is going on. I know that they will help, this is a journey that is not one to walk alone. You have us but we are only cyber friends, go to your family, when it all boils down to it, family is all about helping each other. Give them that chance to help, its never a burden for someone that loves you to help you. It will be more of a burden to find out you needed help and didn't ask them. My family bonds got a lot stronger with the onset of my diagnosis, it brought my entire family where it had never and would have never been. The love was always there but the emotional uplifting that goes along with it is all to healing to do this alone. Let everything go and go home to them, then when its over start fresh again. You came into this world with nothing. You have nothing to lose by making this journey. You may touch someones life that you never could have otherwise. There are a million reasons to fight for your life....Please come up with one.....Cyber friend or close friend, I will help in any way possible..if your terrified, fly home to your parents and family, tomorrow, it will start getting better as soon as you do...just stay in touch, Bless you.......Clift

soccerfreaks's picture
soccerfreaks
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

Please take heed.

Take care,

Joe

donnare
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2009

with the last two posts. Please let your family help you. So sorry you have to deal with this. I will keep you in my prayers.

Others have given you examples and I can add one. My husband's aunt was dx with a brain tumor approx 10 years ago. She had surgery and treatment she is still here - a little short term memory loss - but fine otherwise.

I wish you peace in your heart and will keep you in my prayers.

Donna

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

...Never lose hope, keep a positive attitude, I know it's easier said then done, but take each day as it comes, and from what I hear, when someone is dying, they just feel very tired, but no one knows of any outcomes except God, and I have also heard of alot of people who have survived their brain tumors. My friend has an inoperable one, that causes her to have seizures, but she says it's "dormant" it's always been there, but it just never grows, it's just there, and she's had it since she was a teen, and she's in her 40's now...live life for now, and you will be in my prayers!

Hugsss!
~Donna

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

Thank you all so much for your words. I have been having a rough time of it-have not been feeling all that great. Today, I am having trouble walking and moving my legs, and this is upsetting to me.

Thank you all so much. My words can't express how grateful I am.

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

I hope you are feeling better and able to get around today , take care

michelle

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

Today wasn't much better. I can't beleive how tired and weak I am. Someone at work asked me why don't I have crutches or a wheel chair. People at work still don't know (only a few \ on a need to know basis). I'm still trying to work and I will until I absolutely have to take time off. I can't handle being in a wheel chair I don't think. Maybe I need to do more treatment, need to do something. I've been running a fever that is getting higher, and the nurse said I should go to emergency room 2 days ago but I still haven't went. I am avoiding the hospital so much because I don't want to deal, but I may need to snap out of it and try to take care of myself. It's just that I'm doing this alone and it is just almost pretty much too hard.

How are you doing today Michelle?

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

My husband passed away april 16 from colon cancer he was 53 but dam good looking for his age, Now about you please take care my brother who lives in orange county ca he is 44 just last month was dx with brain cancer grade 4 and he broke his hip when he had a siezure but he is going to fight he had cyberknife radiation niw he is doing the reg radiation and taking tremador and dealing with the hip thing but he does not want to give up, how weird is that our mother died of brain cancer at 49 now my brother has it.Everyone with cancer are my heros you all go threw so much to beat this ,and it it so hard to keep going on but know that there are alot of people who love you and care about you. I hope you go to the hospital and let them help you You don't have to go this alone . My prayers are with you please take care

Ps I am ok thanks

michelle

Shayenne's picture
Shayenne
Posts: 2370
Joined: Jan 2009

I couldn't do this alone, and can't imagine what everyone goes through doing this alone. You aren't alone here, but people on this board are! and we care about you. You really need to deal with this if you want to live, and need to be strong. Can you call Home Health for help, or have a friend or neighbor who can get you to the hospital, call an ambulance? You really need to get to the hospital, you can have an infection, and it can kill you! Please go right away.

Why are you hiding this from your co-workers? I bet they would love to be there for you and help you in your time of need, don't be afraid to ask for help, you really need too! it's ok to be in a wheelchair if you need too, but of course they're sure going to be curious why. I hope you change your mind and try to get some help, this won't go away by itself :(

Sending positive vibes your way!

Hugsss!
~Donna

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

Today has been one of those days. It started off really well, but then it's ending badly. I feel like giving up today. I found myself praying to God that he would take me so that I don't have to go through this anymore. There's too much at one time that I'm dealing with, and my pain and symptoms are getting worse. I don't know what to do. I know tomorrow will be a better day-dont worry about me. I hope that everone is feeling well today. Thanks for listening.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Minnie,

Many of us have been where you are now, feeling helpless and hopeless with no bright sun coming over the horizon. Believe me, I fully understand, my family has experienced two suicides, my cousin, David in 1989 and my brother, Bob in 1994. Imagining the emotional despair they must have been enduring and believing that they had no options for better futures. They were both more handsome and more popular than I was. David attracted women like a picnic attracts ants and, when Bob and I would walk into a singles bar, following his divorce, every desirable vixen in the place would look up, at him, not me.

Yet, I am still standing, despite cancer, divorce, unemployment, the loss of family, I am still standing, firm in the conviction that "life" is worth living and that things can turn around with the next phone call, e-mail, letter, or person that we meet. After being unable to find a teaching job when I became state certified in 2005 with my COBRA coverage running out, on the day of my mother's funeral, I received an e-mail from a former boss informing me that my old job was open, with full employer-paid health coverage, and mine, if I wanted it!

No one can convince me that tomorrow isn't worth waking up for, for me, for you for ALL of us!

"I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day." Lincoln Observed: The Civil War Dispatches of Noah Brooks edited by Michael Burlingame (Baltimore, Johns Hopkins University Press, 1998), p. 210. President Lincoln went on to win the Civil War and save the Union, it took an assassin's bullet to take him down.

Love and Courage!

Rick

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1095
Joined: Jul 2009

You aren't giving up, we won't let you so you have no choice but to fight. So enough of that giving up talk. Like Rick I totally know how you are feeling, I have been there too, 3 times actually when I nearly died, not of the cancer but of the treatments, probably more than 3 times as I have had many ambulance trips to the ER but 3 that I know of for sure.

I remember when I was diagnosed for the second time with NHL and they told me I could have a bone marrow transplant but it was very risky and there was a single digit chance I would die just from the treatment. At that time I had 2 very young children and that idea of making the decision to have the transplant and possibly die was scarey indeed. I know how you feel. But I decided that I had alot to live for, as you do too Minnie, and so I chose to do it and fight on and here I am 18 years later, a little battered but I look at the bruises as medals of honor - well most of them, lol. Decisions for some treatments are indeed scarey but with God on your side He will see you through, as well as your family and friends of course and it goes without saying - with all your friends here on this site as well.

Life is worth living Minnie and even though you feel so alone right now you really are not alone at all, you have us and if you would reach out to your family and even people who you might be close to at work you would find much relief in those relationships I am sure. You need help around you, on top of the help you get from this site, and like one member said on here I would urge you to contact your family as well. I don't know what the situation is with them but at a time like this I am sure that friends or family or both will rally to help if they only knew.

I know that when I was first diagnosed I didn't want anyone's help but soon I realized I was just hurting myself by trying to go it on my own and when I opened up to friends and family they were eager to help. Please consider that again.

What is this about a fever and not getting it checked out? I know you are scared of what the results might be and what treatments it all might lead to but you can't run away from this and hope it goes away on it's own. We all wanted to do that in the beginning but you just can't, you have to face it and get on with getting better by taking care of yourself.

Instead of praying to God to take you, pray for him to give you the strength to get through all that you have to to survive. Give it up to God to worry about it all and to make you better so that you can go on and encourage others through your success story of how you survived.

I will be waiting eagerly to see your next post of how you made the decision to get checked out for this fever you had and that you are booked to get on with your treatments. Okay?

You are in my prayers. Blessings, Bluerose.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1095
Joined: Jul 2009

I just had to make this a separate response because this is where you are going to get such great strength and support Minnie. Your family and friends would be devastated that you didn't reach out to them for help so please do it today if you haven't already. Thats what friends and family are for and you would want to know if they needed your help too wouldn't you?

Please ask them for help and let us know when you do. You won't be sorry and will find such relief in sharing it with those you love. Blessings, Bluerose

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

for your support and words. I can't thank all of you enough. I was in the hospital last weekend, and I couldn't stand it, so I came home and went straight back to work. I don't know why going to work is so important me. Of course, there is the finances, but it has more to do with keeping things as normal as possible I think. I have to go into denial or be a little "automatic" or I know that I won't be able to deal with this. I'm doing some research online and really trying to not accept my "timeline". There has to be something that can be done, and I am trying to allow myself to think of being admitted and trying what the doctors want me to try even though it would supposedly be harsh.

I can't tell my mom, I just can't. She has been severly mentally ill my entire life, and I know that she won't be able to handle this-it would wind up that I would need to be responsible for her, so it is easier for the moment to not tell her. I thought about telling different family members, but I can think of a reason to "spare" each and every one of them. I don't know what to do. I have told some of my friends, and they do want to help, but to a point-one of them said that she cares about me like I'm one of her kids, which is both good and bad for her-she wants to be less "emotionally involved". Why am I a person that people don't want to be "emotionally involved" with??? I have been in relationships where I give everything and just get taken advantage of, and now, I'm at a point where I could really use a hug (haven't had one since I visited family during holidays last year-other than a couple from friends that I don't see often). There must be something terribly wrong with me. Being alone is so hard for me, I feel like I could do this if I had someone to stand by me. I used to enjoy my alone time, enjoy being independent, but ever since I became "sick", everything is so hard and I am so lonely throughout the day. I tried to see a counselor, but I can't stand talking to someone that is separated so much-I want someone to be "emotionally involved"! I want to know that someone will miss me when I'm not here! OK, I will end this soon before I start crying-must go back into denial to get through this Sunday-thank goodness there's work tomorrow.

Anyways, thank you everyone for listening, I really appreciate it. I hope that you all are having a good day.

Bluerose-How are you doing these days? Thanks for sharing some about your story. My doctors have said that I have tumors in my spine as well as someplace in my neck (I got upset and wouldn't let them check that out-totally walked out of the office-something about a possible lymphnode or something). This is in addition to the brain tumor that I am dealing with currently. I know, I really need a friend to go to the doctors with me, so that they can write stuff down-it's amazing what I forget or choose to "forget" by the time I get home! They mentioned something about a stem cell transplant after certain treatment to help with the tumors in my spinal column or something. This is the first I have shared this part with anyone. Anyway, all of this scares me so much. Maybe we could chat sometime, I would love to hear more about your life and what you do to make it through. I want to concentrate on the good days and the positive things, I am trying.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1095
Joined: Jul 2009

You won't believe how many stories I have heard here and elsewhere about how patients with advanced cancers have come back after treatments Minnie. I know that you would rather just stay in denial but if you stay there you no doubt will get worse and you don't want that right?

Like I said before I didn't know what your relationship with your family was like and if your Mother is unable to share this with you and I understand what you are saying about her state of mind I am sure there are other family members who would rally for you if they just knew, you have to pick out one or two and tell them you need help. Of course you can look at each and everyone and figure out why you shouldn't bring them into your issues but we all can do that, everyone has problems to attend to of their own, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be honored to help you if you just let them in.

I have a feeling that the counsellor you saw was just not the right one for you. You really need a grief counsellor to help you deal with the loss of your health or a counsellor who deals with cancer patients alone. They know what it's like and can empathize more closely I personally believe. For me I check in with a psychologist who deals with grief and trauma alone and that helps me immensely when I need it which isn't that often really anymore. You really need to look for someone like that. Do you go to a church? Sometimes they have good counsellors too that can come to your home, perhaps you could look into that too.

You have to learn to reach out Minnie, if people around you don't know what's going on how can they help you, and they don't see it as a burden as you think they will - well not the true friends that is, they will be thankful you included them in your care. Please rethink this sooner rather than later. It will make all the difference.

Do you have pets Minnie? Since you work a dog wouldn't work out I don't think but a couple of cats could really help you, if you like cats. You don't need to get kittens that can be work, get a couple of cats from the shelter who need a second chance (make sure they get along first, lol) or just get one. My two cats have been a literal God send to me and give me something to wake up and take care of each day, its like meditation listening to them purr and cuddle up to you. They take care of themselves when you are at work, not like a dog who needs constant walks and companionship. Pets are very healing, many studies have been done on this.

I would be happy to chat with you anytime. Give me a buzz when you want to yap or post on the board here, either is fine with me.

Take care Minnie, take care of YOU by reaching out and asking for help from your family and friends. Please. Blessings, Bluerose

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

this has got to get easier. I wish I had someone to talk to. Haven't been able to use my left hand much today. :(

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

I hope today is a little better do you live in phx i will be your friend If i could i would go with you to the drs. Did i tell you my 44 yr old brother was just diagnosed with gmb stage 4 brain cancer but he is a fighter plus he shattered his hip when he fell during his first siezure so there are people with brain tumors and other problems to that must be so overwhelming for you and my brother and all people battleing cancer. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug.

michelle N

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry to hear that your brother has been diagnosed as well. I am, however, glad to hear that he is a figher. I hope that he is doing as well as possible. Thank you so much for your post. I am so grateful to everyone that takes the time to write. I keep pushing along-I am making a doctor's appointment to discuss any treatment options that maybe be available. And I am trying to do research online. I'm not totally giving up yet-knocked down, but still trying.

P.S. Unfortunately, I'm not in the Phx area, but thank you so much for the offer!

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

WHO knew that it costs so much money for a Will, cremation, Power of Attorney, and Health Directive! I'm flabergasted!

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

WHO knew that it costs so much money for a Will, cremation, Power of Attorney, and Health Directive! I'm flabergasted!

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

WHO knew that it costs so much money for a Will, cremation, Power of Attorney, and Health Directive! I'm flabergasted!

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

You have a PM.......

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

check with the hospital social worker and hospice has some of the info you need.

good luck hang in there we all care about you

michelle n

chrisguy's picture
chrisguy
Posts: 17
Joined: Sep 2009

Re: "I thought about telling different family members, but I can think of a reason to "spare" each and every one of them. I don't know what to do."

Minnie, I was the same way even though I grew up with my family all around me (diagnosed at age 7 w/ spinal cord tumor). They knew I had cancer and saw all my trials and failures and ups and downs. They asked how I was doing and all I would ever say was "fine." I didn't want to burden them or sadden them. It was my cross to bear. It took me until now (I'm almost 29) to really open up to them. And when I did, they did nothing short of amaze me with their extra support.

I think you're forgetting one big obvious thing, Minnie. Your family members might have busy lives, might have lots of other responsibilities, but YOU HAVE CANCER. Call them, they just might surprise you with support.

Your cross sounds near unbearable, and while no one can carry it for you, we can cheer you on along the way. Hopefully so can some of your relatives. Best of luck.

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

I hate seizures. I have been in quite a bit of pain. Thank you Chris for posting. It's good to know there's people who survive brain cancer out there. Where is your story again?
Thank you everyone so much. Bless you

chrisguy's picture
chrisguy
Posts: 17
Joined: Sep 2009

Minnie, you can find a summary of my medical history here:
http://www.lrdlc.dreamhosters.com/who-i-am/

Keep posting...

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

I hope you are feeling better my mom had alot of seizures and they are not nice I worry about you being alone and all . thinking of you

michelle

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

How do I deal or cope with this pain? I have not been able to get out of bed the entire day. :(

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

I am sorry you are in so much pain I don't know maybe you need stronger pain meds, have you talked to your dr I wish i could help you, Hope the pain is not so bad this morning. keep in touch.you are in my prayers.

michelle

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

I am in a lot of pain quite a bit. Things are progressing and I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't have use of one arm sometimes and my feet. I have recntly in the past day or so been having teoyble with thinking and concentrating aittle. I am very very very very scared. I am alone mostly throuhg this. I just wanted to share I hope evreyone stopps and smells the roses please because u never know. Life is precuois and I'm ashnmed that I took it for granted sometimes.
L

cwcad's picture
cwcad
Posts: 117
Joined: Nov 2009

MinnieMN, Get some help!! What is your alternative? Hmmm feeling bad and temporary loss of hand with bouts of fatigue and pain. Only getting worse. Or you could take treatment to over come the cancer. By your own words."Life is precious." Now go out and fight to continue living. They both have the same symptoms only fighting option gives possiblities and the other does not. One can and should prolong life. Doing nothing does not prolong life now does it?

You are worth it!!! of that I am sure.

Are you in Texas or is it Minnesota?

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm scheduled to go to the hospital in about a week and a half. I would like to just make through the next week and a half with no emergencies. I have some stronger meds that have helped ease some pain a little. I think I'm going to do whatever the doctors tell me to do. I am TERRIFIED. I am also looking for a counselor because I certainly need help dealing.
L

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