A week and a half after my mom passed, its completely hitting me...i feel really terrible

marc24
marc24 Member Posts: 92
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Anyone out there have the same situation? its been a week+ since my mom passed, honestly seeing her take her last breath was the worst thing to see...i dont want to scare anyone out there and obviously every case is different. In regards to my mom, she passed away with advanced colorectal cancer with 20+ liver mets...it only took 4 months...i really really miss her now, it was ok to bare the week, the funeral, the visitation, the 1st week, but as i realize each day gets farther away from my mom...im afraid im gonna forget her face and voice except for when i look at a picture...im 24 yrs old, i feel like hell and i cant function...anyone out there have advice?

Comments

  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    marc, i lost both of my
    marc, i lost both of my parents 6 months apart. my father first of a heart attack. my mother died 6 mo. later of cancer but really a broken heart. the only comfort i had were my siblings and my children. yes, after the funeral is the most difficult time. grieving is different for everyone but you will get through it. try to remember the wonderful things and the funny things try to laugh and enjoy all the memories of your life with her. my parents died 20 years ago this year and i will say i miss them everyday and i want to. this does not interfere with my daily life and taking enjoyment in what life brings. it is part of life. i am thankful for the person that my parents made of me and my wonderful siblings, that comforts me. there is no easy way to deal with significant loss it is what it is. it is a learning tool for future disappointments, for example my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer and parkinson's nearly 10 yrs ago and my experience dealing with my parents loss and caring for them helped prepare me for this new journey. i am not by any means trying to tell you that i am worse off than you, not at all! we all have our own journey in life just want you to know that you are not alone. eventually you will come to peace with your bad memories of this event and surround yourself with all the good things that your mother was and what she gave you. you are young and it is an event that will be with you forever. my mom died the day that was my turn to be with her. i went over and over again what i may have done wrong, to assign guilt to me when really it was her time to go and nothing i or you could have done would have prevented it. surround yourself with those who understand, try grief counseling and most of all luxuriate in the wonderful women that she must have been for you miss her so much. i will be thinking of you keep posting and let me and others know how you are progressing on this life long journey, i promise that eventually it will ease for now have a good cry any darn time you want to!
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    You will never forget
    I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I am sure that being there to witness it is quite traumatic to you.
    My mother died 30 years ago (not cancer) and I don't forget her. In fact, I see her every time I look in the mirror. As I get older I look more and more like her.
    Give yourself plenty of breaks and excuses for going slower than usual.
    Fatima
  • akbetty
    akbetty Member Posts: 38
    Marc, I'm sorry you lost your mom
    Marc, I'm sorry you lost your mom. I'm sure that being there to see it all first hand was extremely painful, but I am also quite certain that you helped your mother by being there for her. In time, I promise you, you will think less about the actual moments of her death. You won't forget, but you will think more about the happy times you had together. I saw my father die of cancer when I was 12, and after the initial trauma of the experience passed, I was helped by some very loving relatives to focus on happy memories. I'm in my forty's now, and those good times with my father are as real to me now as they were then. You won't forget your mother. Just be good to yourself and give yourself time to heal. You are in my thoughts.
    Betty
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    Lost my only brother and both my parents.
    marc,

    There is no easy way through the grieving process. I lost my mother three years ago, this month and it is still hard when I think about all the things I wanted to tell her. In time, however, things will get better, but the loss of people important to us is always difficult and painful.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick
  • dominolove
    dominolove Member Posts: 2
    loss of a parent
    Hey,
    lost my father a little over a year ago, and it still feels like yesterday, i really miss hearing his voice. Your right, that first week is a blur, then its over and you're left without your security (thats what my dad was to me). Therapy helps, it keeps you on the right track, but i've learned that there is no time frame for grief and healing - i miss him so much it makes me sick - but i understand that that feeling will change over time - it won't go away, it will just be different. I still talk to him like he's near me and i pray alot. still feel lost, but hoping it will get better.
    good luck to you
  • HonuBeginnings
    HonuBeginnings Member Posts: 8
    My mother recently passed away too
    My mom died on July 22nd so I know exactly how you feel. Luckily she passed away in her sleep. I don't think I could have handled it if I actually saw it happen. The paramedics believe it happened within an hour of the last time i checked on her. I found her the next morning looking like a cherub asleep, and peaceful. I went to take care of her two weeks before she passed. Now I am home and my constant thought is the need to call her to check how she is doing. I feel like I missed out on conversations we used to have. She was a buffer between one of my sisters and now she is not here to help. My sister is only 23 and I know she is having a hard time, but she refuses to speak to me or even come to the funeral. We have different fathers and her father took off many years ago. I took her in when she was a child and my mother could not handle her, so I feel like a mother to her. However now we are estranged and I know she feels like an orphan. I have tried to reach out to her so far to no success. My two other sisters are trying to help, and say to give her time. I feel that until we settle the differences we can not heal completely. I know this is what my mother would have wanted. We just have to continue on and try to find routine until the rest falls into place. I have many bad moments each day, but hope for one less each day. Stick with it and stay strong.
  • mary134
    mary134 Member Posts: 1
    I miss my mom
    I am 24 and lost my mom to stage IV colorectal cancer six months after her diagnosis. Its oddly comforting to know there are others in the same situation, although of course I would never wish this upon anyone. My mom passed last December, and I too was worried that I would forget her face and voice, but I don't feel like that has faded. The hardest part for me is dwelling the terrible things that happened. I wasn't there when she passed (in the middle of the night), but I can't stop thinking about the pain she was in, how she looked after she died, the thanksgiving dinner she couldn't eat ect... I just want to get back to remembering all of the good times, but sometimes that is just so hard. My mom and I were really close, and I just miss her so much. Its the worse feeling I have ever had. Everyone keeps telling me that it gets easier, and I know it does as I have felt things get a little easier. I am happy again in general which is really nice I guess you just have to keep working through this stuff. That wasn't much advice, but thanks for letting me share.
  • seanslove
    seanslove Member Posts: 70
    hard days
    Marc,

    I am so sorry for your loss and I completely understand how bad you feel,as I 39,lost my husband of six and half years at the age of 45,three weeks ago today. I,too,worry about forgeting his face and his touch,and have filled the house with every picture I could find of him or him and me together. Going back to work was the worst for me because it meant he really was gone and no longer here at home to care for,which has been the worst. I have had to force myself to function,as if I don't I will lose the roof over my head. His frist SSD check came,however,can not cash it because they said he died to soon to be leigable for the funds. Died to soon,no sh*t people,he was 45 years old,tell me about dieing to soon. I have found dealing with all that follows one's passing is such and ongoing process that grieving has really just started for me,and your right,you feel like crap and just don't care anymore. However,that doesn't keep the lights on,a roof over your head,or food on the table. I miss Sean so much that even the act of eating has become only an act I do when I can no longer move without,as he couldn't eat for the last 15 days of his life and every bite of food makes the guilt consume me. Knowing how much pain he was in makes every breath I take make me feel guilty for not hurting.
    Everyone keeps telling,me,just as I am sure they are telling you,it will get better with time,as I am told time heals all,well right now it doesn't help,therefore,I understand how you feel. I just stay busy and keep going through the motions and this is the best adivse I can offer you. When you hurt,you hurt,and don't let anyone tell you there is a right or wrong thing to do or not do,as everyone is different and everyone finds the need to express their pain and loss differently. I would love to give you some mumbo jumbo,stay strong pep talk,but it doesn't help,just do what you must and some day you will see her again. This is how I keep going is the knowledge that I will see Sean again one day,it's just we are apart for now. We had changed our wedding vows from until death due you part to forever and always,which I had written on his grave marker and will also be on mine,and this is how I will always feel that we are together forever and always. I still talk to Sean all the time,and hope he can hear me and knows how much I love and miss him,I can tell you the talking as if he can hear me has really helped me keep going.
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    Sorry to hear of your loss
    I am sorry to hear of your loss.
    You will never forget your mom - never.
    And she will always be with you in your heart. I am certain that you will over time begin to notice tiny little habits, quirks, traits that you have absorbed from her into your own life and personality.
    You sound like you are critically grieving (I made that up - but it sounds right)... I suggest you contact a grief group or a sit down cancer support group - contact your local hospitals or hospice providers...they probably have groups going or can direct you to groups.
    (((((((((marc24))))))))))
    Hang in there!
    Fatima
  • lelis
    lelis Member Posts: 1
    Loss of my mom
    I lost my mom or should i say my mom lost her battle with cancer on September 16, 2009. We went to Mexico for a 28 day Issels program. Unfortunately her cancer was quite aggressive and the chemo which previously had helped reduce her cancer by 75% was no longer effective and the cancer had come back stronger than ever with only a 1 out of 10 chance that the chemo would help her. We decided to go to Mexico to try the Issels program which included Juices and organic fruits and vegetables, oh how I wish that we had initially strengthened her immune system so that she could have handled the chemo better or that maybe there would have been no need for chemo if only her immune system was stronger. The only treatment the doctors out here talked about was the chemo. When I asked what she should or should not eat they simply said anything she wants. I must say that I am sooooooooooo disappointed with the care that my mom got here. She never smoked, yet by the time we knew she had stage 4 cancer it had already metastasized into her lungs. I was with my mom for a total of 28 days in Mexico trying to get her system strong unfortunately her potassium and blood count was very low. I had to take my mom home from the hospital we had hospice care, which i must say was a life saver. However, once home with my mom she simply was not eating or drinking so i was forced to watch her die a slow death. We got home on September 11th, 2009 and she passed on September 16th, 2009. To watch a loved one grasp for air, not eat or drink for that amount of time is unbearable. My mom was a strong and a beautiful soul. Even with all the pain she was in, she suffered silently and never wanted anyone to be burdened with her situation. I miss you mom may you rest in peace. Please make sure that before you allow your loved ones to do chemo that they strengthen their immune system and that they have only greens and organic greens for their diet. Maybe with a stronger immune system they can handle the chemo better. God bless all cancer patients and their families, no one should have to go through what I witnessed.
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    lelis said:

    Loss of my mom
    I lost my mom or should i say my mom lost her battle with cancer on September 16, 2009. We went to Mexico for a 28 day Issels program. Unfortunately her cancer was quite aggressive and the chemo which previously had helped reduce her cancer by 75% was no longer effective and the cancer had come back stronger than ever with only a 1 out of 10 chance that the chemo would help her. We decided to go to Mexico to try the Issels program which included Juices and organic fruits and vegetables, oh how I wish that we had initially strengthened her immune system so that she could have handled the chemo better or that maybe there would have been no need for chemo if only her immune system was stronger. The only treatment the doctors out here talked about was the chemo. When I asked what she should or should not eat they simply said anything she wants. I must say that I am sooooooooooo disappointed with the care that my mom got here. She never smoked, yet by the time we knew she had stage 4 cancer it had already metastasized into her lungs. I was with my mom for a total of 28 days in Mexico trying to get her system strong unfortunately her potassium and blood count was very low. I had to take my mom home from the hospital we had hospice care, which i must say was a life saver. However, once home with my mom she simply was not eating or drinking so i was forced to watch her die a slow death. We got home on September 11th, 2009 and she passed on September 16th, 2009. To watch a loved one grasp for air, not eat or drink for that amount of time is unbearable. My mom was a strong and a beautiful soul. Even with all the pain she was in, she suffered silently and never wanted anyone to be burdened with her situation. I miss you mom may you rest in peace. Please make sure that before you allow your loved ones to do chemo that they strengthen their immune system and that they have only greens and organic greens for their diet. Maybe with a stronger immune system they can handle the chemo better. God bless all cancer patients and their families, no one should have to go through what I witnessed.

    Sorry for you Loss
    Dear Lelis,
    Thanks for your wonderful post and tribute to your mom. Yes it is a sad time, but you did the best you could to help her. You had those wonderful 28 days in Mexico. What a great memory to cherish. My dad has beat esophageal cancer, but now he has mets to his liver. He has had to have a stent put into his esophagus, a stent put in a blocked bile duct, and will start chemo within the next 3 weeks or so. We are beefing him up before treatment. Thanks for you advice about the greens for the immune system. God Bless you. May your mom be living peacefully in her new home. Thanks again, and check in on us every once in awhile!
    Tina
  • jimbeam50
    jimbeam50 Member Posts: 47

    Sorry for you Loss
    Dear Lelis,
    Thanks for your wonderful post and tribute to your mom. Yes it is a sad time, but you did the best you could to help her. You had those wonderful 28 days in Mexico. What a great memory to cherish. My dad has beat esophageal cancer, but now he has mets to his liver. He has had to have a stent put into his esophagus, a stent put in a blocked bile duct, and will start chemo within the next 3 weeks or so. We are beefing him up before treatment. Thanks for you advice about the greens for the immune system. God Bless you. May your mom be living peacefully in her new home. Thanks again, and check in on us every once in awhile!
    Tina

    I am sorry for your loss
    I am sorry for your loss Marc. You will go through stages and you will never forget her. My mother passed away from stomach cancer 45 years ago when I was 12 and I mourn her every single day. I ask for her help and strength as my husband now has advanced cancer. I don't remember her voice but I remember how she laughed, loud, which once embarrassed me when I was young but now I realize I am the same! You will cherish every single memory and they will all be precious to you. As time goes by you may be less sad and you will find yourself smiling at something she may have done or said. I truly believe that this life is temporary and we will all spend eternity together. Read the book Five People You Meet in Heaven, it will make your heart feel good. Sheila
  • crazytalk
    crazytalk Member Posts: 14
    Yeah, it sucks
    Hey Marc,
    My mom lost her battle with cancer one month ago. It's been devastating and I feel like someone punched me in the stomach and i can't catch my breath, still. Some days are good, I don't break down bawling, and some are bad, I can't stop crying and roll into a ball hating life without her.

    I also saw my mom take her last breaths. It was painful. I hated that the family was gathered around her, I wanted to be with her alone. Just us those last few moments. I hated that the extended family brought in religion in the end, we grew up as non-practicing Catholics, and I refused to partake in the rituals.


    I too worried that getting on with my life, even just going to the grocery market, took me farther away from her. Whoa, huh?

    You will feel better little brother, you will. Your mom's death will consume you less as the weeks pass. It won't seem like it but it will happen. This is what I've found out in my "one month" experience with my mom's death.

    Drink lots of water and try to keep nourished. Go outside and take a breath of fresh air. Read a book or zone out on reruns. Allow yourself to feel sad and be yourself while doing it. Cry, scream, write and know you are not alone. I will be thinking of you little brother, you are not alone.

    paz