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My mom has cancer... I need some advice!

krisyjsu04
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2009

My mom is my favorite person in the entire world! In January 2008 we found out that she had colon cancer. she was just shy of 45 years old. It was stage 4. I was crushed... my mother is very very strong and she held it together but i just crumbled right in front of everyone. In December 2007 her uncle found out that he had colon cancer... he when through treatment and passed away Feb 3,2008. I was 21 years old and i am very close to my family. no one in my family had ever passed away before, at least not since i was old enough to remember. Right before my great-uncle passed away i hadn't seen him in a while and my aunt told me..."you've never seen the effects of cancer before and your uncle willie isn't the same as you remember him 2 weeks ago." My life has been so blessed and i've never had to go through coping with cancer until he got sick. he was no longer able to do anything himself and he was skin and bones... it was the most horrible thing i've ever had to do, i couldn't stand it because all i could think about was my mom being in this state. my great-uncle willie passed away 2 weeks later. my mother had her surgery and started chemo treatment and i took over everything at work, we own a small business. she finished chemo and later found out that the chemo didn't help or hurt... she's in the same state she was (to me she looks better). everytime i ask her how the dr visit went she says it went fine... i know better... she just doesn't want me to worry. now aug. 2009 the dr says she has to start chemo again... i've tried to talk to my other family members and they do such a wonderful job trying to help.. but nothing no one says can make it go away or stop hurting or stop waking me up at night. I told my mother that i'm behind her 200% of the way no matter what decision she makes about chemo. I just love her so much and i can't help her, and its really tearing me down :( she comes down to the store and helps when she can so i can get some time off, but i told her that she doesn't have to. i'm now 23 years old and my life is my work :) in no way am i complaining i'm so glad that my mother is still here with me and i really try my best not to complain about the little things... i would just like someone to maybe give me some advice on how to talk to my mom or some encourgement on my family's situation. thanks so much for listening

tiny one
Posts: 467
Joined: Jan 2009

I'm sorry to hear that your Mom has stage 4 colon cancer. The most important thing you can do is to be supportive of her. It sounds like you're doing that. Cancer treatment now is not like it used to be. There are alot of people beating cancer, even stage 4. Seeking a second opinion is what alot of people do. Also support groups are very helpful. I was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. That was in 2007. I had radiation and chemo and major surgery, but I'm cancer free now. Don't think for one minute that you're not helping, your love and support is everything. God bless.

whichwitch's picture
whichwitch
Posts: 42
Joined: Jul 2009

You are going to have your good days. They are coming, It is a roller coaster ride as you well know. I promise the sun will shine tomorrow. Keep in touch with us day by day if you have too. Whatever you need to do. we can always listen and just be here for you.

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Listen. And hugs. Being a caregiver is the hardest job you will ever do. You have to stand by and watch someone suffer and not be able to do one darned thing to take the suffering away. All you can do is what you are doing...be there. Hug when there are no words. Just love your Mom. You will come away from this with a deep appreciation for life and the little things will not matter so much anymore. Go moment to moment. Come here whenever you need to. Hugs coming your way...Cindy

krisyjsu04
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2009

thank you all for your very kind words and i'm sure that i'll be visiting a lot! thanks again!

krisyjsu04
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2009

thank you! she goes monday to talk to her dr and make a decision about chemo. I just wish i felt like i was helping :) i just feel so helpless but she tells me that i'm helping more than i know.

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4606
Joined: Feb 2004

Krisy it sounds like you are doing fine in regards to your mom. It is hard to see our mom's ill I know. Just let mom know how much you love her and be supportive. It would be nice and perhaps helpful if your mom could visit the colon cancer board on here, I think she would find a lot of support and information there. Don't feel too badly when mom stops by to help in the family business, it is my guess it gives her a feeling of being needed and being capable. I know for me when I was in treatment it just frustrated me that I could not do as much as I was once able to do. In addition to that it's equally important for you to take care of yourself. Please take time for you, go to a show or to dinner with a friend something that is not cancer related. Being a mom myself I would not want my daughter to be overwhelmed by my illness. I wish you both the best, please come back if you feel the need.

RE

krisyjsu04
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2009

My mom came to my house yesterday to talk about what she was going to do today at the dr. i'm so torn... part of me wants her to take chemo because it could help her... but then part of me feels like she doesn't want to take it and that i don't want her to be sick for the time she has left. she told me that right now she feels better than she has in a long time. her and my dad are having issues of their own and its hard for me to give her advice on their problems because you want your parents to stay together for ever and i'm so much like my dad that i don't always see her side as well as his. i do feel like she is wanting to give up... and i just don't know what to tell her. my dad is very hot-headed and my mom is very stubborn so i'm in the middle of all this.

she did tell the dr that she doesn't think she wants to take chemo right now... and i told her i'm behind her 200% of the way in whatever decision she makes but i want it to be her decision. i don't want her to give up and say well if things were better i'd do this. she said she doesn't feel that she has the strength to fight the cancer and her other problems.

i'm lost.. i'm walking around in a fog, i see my dads errors and i see how we are so alike and i know some of the things he does and some times the way he acts is wrong and childish and i don't want to be like that... i mean don't get me wrong he's a great man and i love him, but he thinks he's never wrong and you cannot tell him any different, its his way or no way. i've just learned to live with this and do things the way that makes everyone happy i make excuses for him like if he gets ill and yells i say just do what he says and he'll be happy. if you fight with him... its only going to make you miserable like he'll sull up and won't speak to you for 2 weeks. i see my moms errors also... she holds on to things and she will nag you forever about it, she doesn't want to change her ways... once she is set on something she rarely changes her mind about it. if you try to show her another side to something and its not her side she doesn't want to hear it. and she has a heart of gold and she's the most wonderful woman i've ever met she's caring and she'd give you everything she had if you needed it, she puts up with a lot more than i ever do and i hope that i can learn to be more like her. personally i think that everyone should put all their problems aside because this cancer is what we all need to focus on right now and everyone else can fix their issues later... i just don't want her to be depressed and i don't want her to accept thing the way they are, i want her to fight back.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

krisy,

When I was younger, I used to get so angry with my father for the way he acted sometimes. Then I got older and found myself acting like my father during the times I was anxious about something. I know now that both my parents loved me and my brother very much and wish I had them back so that I could tell them in person.

Maybe, when your dad starts acting up, try telling him that you love him. I bet he crumbles, like I feel like doing sometimes. The older we "grump old men" get, the more we need the love and understanding of family.

Love and Courage!

Rick

09wazzu09
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2009

HANG IN THERE...BE HER ROCK.

Daddyslittlegirl
Posts: 11
Joined: Aug 2009

I am 31 and the primary care taker of my dad who is also the world to me. He is 86 and has been in great health up until about 2 years ago when he developed a Bile Duct obstruction. At the time there was no Cancer. Last Tuesday I took him in to the Gastro Dr because he was having the same symptoms as before. The dr visit ended up resulting in admitting him to the hospital. The did find an obstruction again. This time the tumor was positive for Cancer. I felt as if though someone had literally knocked the wind out of me when the Dr told me. I couldn't believe it...not my daddy! He goes in on Thursday to see if the Cancer has spread. If it hasn't then they may be able to operate (although because of his age it's a huge risk in itself). But if the Cancer has spread, the Dr said there will be very little that can be done for him. I've been living day by day and I feel like everything moves in slow motion. There are times when something reminds me of him and I just completly break down! I can't handle it. I'm so scare of what the future holds. If I'm feeling this weak now, I can't imagine how I will feel in the future when things get worse. I don't ever let my dad see me cry or worry. As hard as it is for me, I hold back the tears and try to keep him in an upbeat spirit. Then when I get in my car to go home, I break down and cry like crazy!I feel so alone and lost!
I do have an older brother but he lives in another state. He is so busy with his own life that I don't think it's really hit him? I have a 9 month old baby who was born 3 1/2 months premature (I developed Severe Preclampsia) that requires alot of dr appointments himself. Between my dad's, mine and the babies dr. appointments, taking care of all his financials and mine, researching everything I can about his Cancer situation, etc. I am sooo overwhelmed but have to keep strong!

I often wonder "why him". But then I stop to think "why not him"? I just don't understand and am having such a hard time accepting it! The only thing that gets me through each day is thinking that as bad as this is, God has a plan for us. I may not know what it is now, but I must keep faith that I will one day see it.

I just want you to know that everything you are doing for your mom right now is what is keeping her strong. And as people have told me, one day you will be able to look back and be at peace knowing that you were truly there for her every step of the way (no matter how hard it was). Others that are not supportive now will unfortunately be regretting their actions and will have to live with that themselves.

Every morning I say to myself that I still have my daddy to hold and to say 'I love you' to. That is all the motivation that I need to get by for that day. It's not easy and it does feel like a lonely road. But after reading your post, you have made me feel like I am not alone.

Be strong and enjoy every minute that you have with your mom. I know that gets me through to the next day.

liz_nach
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2009

Oh my goodness. As I read this my heart moved to my throat...
I think we are the same person.
I'm 21, my mom is 45. She is my BEST FRIEND! She was diagnosed with cancer this summer. She has had (so far that they have found) 2 Stromal Tumors and chemo and radiation do not work. She's taking a chemo pill right now in hopes to shrink the seeds that are still there and the cancer they found on her liver. My uncle has cancer from his colon to his lungs, to his skin. He's been given a month or so to live. I have never had to deal with anything like this before either. My family also owns a small business and both of my parents work so hard to keep that going, and it keeps the cancer off their minds. It's so hard that I cry every night and cannot focus, and my mom and dad are so strong and courageous.
The only reason why I'm still here is because I know that God is in complete control. There's nothing I can do or say to change any of this. My faith and sharing it with my mom is really what's keeping my life together.
I pray constantly for the tumors to go away,and for my whole family to feel peace during this tribulation. I will be praying for you and your mother as well as you also endure this hardship! The power of prayer is amazing, weather it brings healing or comfort just to know that the Lord is right there holding my hand, my mom's hand, my uncle's hand... it's a great peace. "give glory in tribulations, it produces perseverance, character and hope. Hope doesn't disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts." Romans 5:3

freddyfox
Posts: 10
Joined: Sep 2009

I am 22 and i lost my mom july 10. its all ****ed up now. not fair, but **** what is???...my mom was my whole life. best friend,etc..... NO WORDS WILL HELP US. NO WORDS WILL DESCRIBE MY PAIN. I am destroyed and have no soul left yet there are positives..she will no longer suffer something she never EVER DESERVED. she was and is (she is still here, only physical left)the BEST MOM I COULD HAVE EVER ASKED FOR.

YOUR DEAR MOMMY is STILL HERE ....BE WITH HER AND LOVE HER ALL THE TIME....ALL WE HAVE IN THIS WORLD IS APPRECIATION...WITHOUT IT WE ARE DOOMED.

GOD BLESS AND PLZ KEEP ME UPDATED...I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR PAIN TO NOT OVERCOME YOU. If i was suicidal i would have left because i know what your going through--PAIN!!SO MUCH ******* PAIN. I watched my older brother get murdered infront of my eyes _ PAIN , My mom was the only good thing left ..and now shes gone too. LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME...LIVE FOR THE MOMENT AND DAY .We are ALLL born to die. GOD BLESS YOU

jerbrad534
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2009

I feel your anger and pain in the words you write and wish I had the perfect words to help you get through this. Unfortunately, I don't. I think you just have to take one day at a time and keep the good memories of your mom in your heart and mind at all times. I didn't know her but I'm a mom of two boys (ages 20 & 24) and when I pass away, I want them to go on living a happy life knowing that they were loved and I did the best I could. Life goes on.

I truly feel that things happen for a reason. Maybe your pain will enable you to offer kind words on this blog to those going through similar times. You've inspired me and I thank you. The reason why I'm on this site is my 67 year old brother was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and there is very little hope. I'm the one taking him to the doctor, procedures and treatments. I feel I have to be his rock and can't show my emotions in front of him. Deep down inside, I'm crushed. Although I believe in God and pray to him everyday, it helps to know there are people out there offering hope and wisdom through their own sorrow. Thank you for that and please live your beautiful life as a tribute to your wonderful mother and rest assure she is watching over you. GOD BLESS YOU!

littlelost
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2010

My mom has had cancer since I was eleven. I am now 25. The battle has been long and rough. To see my mom, the only women I think that has ever loved me unconditionally is heartbreaking. Her cancer started in the breast,to colon, to liver, and just about everywhere in her abdomen now. Multiple surgeries, multiple rounds of chemo and radiation. Side effects and the slow loss of abilities. I love her so much. She is in a hospice now, cant eat, can't take her meds, can't really wake up. I hope that she can look in the eye tomorrow morning one last time so I can tell her how awesome she has been to me before she passes. I've already realized our last times together doing "normal" things are over. Its so difficult to deal with the fact that I may never hear her talk to me or acknowledge me ever again. I'm scared for my father. I don't want to abandon him but I know I can't be around my childhood home and see all the places she used to sit. I've come to accept there is nothing I could have done to stop this from happening, but now that her death is right before me I wish I had all the time back. I hope she is not suffering. I don't want my mom to go away. I miss talking to her. I wish she could break though the pain meds and the toxins building up from her liver and just see me with a clear head for just a moment so she can tell me what she wants and I can tell her I love her and to not be afraid to go if she needs to I don't want her to suffer anymore

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Don't worry, your mother is going to a much better place, and you will feel the lightening in your heart when she is freed from her burden. Meanwhile, don't wait for her to wake up and look you in the eye to tell her what you want to say. She can probably hear you even if she doesn't respond. It will be okay. The battle is almost over.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Double Post

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

The health care providers all told us that one of the last things to go is hearing. I don't know how or why they know that, but I chose to believe them. I told my husband I loved him many times during those last few days. Sometimes he responded, other times he didn't. I have no doubt that your mother knows you love her. My heart goes out to you for losing a parent at such a young age. Please don't abandon your father, though. You may find that in time you will find comfort in some of the home places. If you can't face that right away, invite your father to spend time with you in neutral places. Losing a spouse is very hard, too. I would be totally lost without my sons' help. My family has become even more important to me now that my husband is no longer here. I know this is a very difficult time for all of you. Please take care. Fay

littlelost
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2010

thank you barbara and grandmafay for the responses. I appreciate your input sincerely. I spent most of the day bedside today with my mom. Whether or not she heard me perhaps will not be known, but I would like to think she did. I am not a religious person, however to know that when she does pass she will no longer struggle nor feel pain is ironically comforting. It is hard to lose anyone you love, perhaps even harder when you watch them slip away rather then be taken quickly. My heart goes out to everyone who has to stand by as a disease progresses. I have been been from numb to crying without control thougout the years, and there is just no way to describe what an eerie feeling it is to see it coming down to the inevitable end that I knew would one day come. It is horrible, I want my mom to meet my wife I have not met, and hold my children I hope to have one day. Life would be easier with her, but I think I have already learned one of the most important lessons of life. live to be happy, realize that being alive on this earth is special. Skip the slavery of others telling you what you need to do to reach what society calls happiness. Forget the idiots in the crowd and media telling you that happiness comes with success. Happiness comes from love and feeling alive. I am going to have and am having perhaps the hardest time of my life, but I know I will find a way though this because I am fortunate enoug to have been spoiled with love and support. When I think it cant get much worse, I imagine what my mom would hope for me, and I hope I can fullfill that. It has nothing to do with money or careers, and everything to do with the essence of being human. I love my mom and that will never end, even if everything else does. I know that what is important to me in terms of principles will probably always be that way and I owe a lot of that to my mom. She does not have a selfish or mean bone in her body, and her selflessness is an inspiration to me to treat the people in my life and those that will enter my life in the future with the genuine care that my mom gave to me. I feel I have reached the core of of my personality in terms of how people should be treated because of this ongoing battle that I have watched my mom stuggle with. I know that I am rambling on a bit, but to anyone who reads, and this touches you in anyway, just know that altough I am scared to **** of what is about to become of my life, I know that just being fortunate to come this far is reason to keep going. Sometimes I feel unlucky and doomed, but at this moment I feel I am lucky to be loved and raised by such a wonderful woman. Sure most of my friends have healthy parents that will be around until there middle age, but I am fortunate, more fortunate than most. I LOVE YOU MOM THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICES THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME I WOULD NOT TRADE YOU FOR THE WORLD

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

You are a credit to your Mom, and I'm sure she is very proud of you. Your future wife and children will know her through you. Take care, Fay

username24
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2012

I just found out that my mom has stage 3 gastric cancer. I'm barely in my teens. I really don't know what to do...

username24
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2012

I just found out that my mom has stage 3 gastric cancer. I'm barely in my teens. I really don't know what to do...

username24
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2012

Sorry for posting this twice, I doubleclicked on the post button.

marc24
Posts: 92
Joined: Mar 2009

advice from what experienced.ITs actually supposed to be her birthday today, feb 6th.i used to go on here everyday to check on news, reports, encouragement, etc..when my mom was on chemo. You see my mom was diagnosed march 2009 and she passed away august 2009..that quick. Although i didnt want to scare you or anything because every circumstance is obviously different, the thing i regret the most about my 4 months with her during her chemo was although i was with her 100% as far as support, i was also trying to squeeze my work around it too. Obviously money was important, but my biggest regret was thinking there was always a next day and i should have taken a leave of absence, or at least take instead of 2-3 full hrs with her per day, but rather try to really be with her as much as I can. I feel guilty of subconsciously letting other things affect me and yes every problem in life aside from this gets a lot smaller and less important when it comes to dealing with cancer and your loveones. I miss my mom so much its not even bearable sometimes but I learn to slowly move on. as for you, you seem to have your mom in better shape, with looking better than before and all, but really try to spend time with your mom, even just talking with them at a regular basis but it really hurts to lose someone so special at a young age like we are in. Tell your mom about your goals and your achievements, this always made my mom happy because every parent loves to hear their children succeed, no matter how old we get. You work could be something u can bring up, but the good and nonstressful achievements u reach and really show her you love what you do and you feel wonderful being her 23 yr old....

in short, what i think encouraged my mom to at least do a 10 week chemo was because I was her youngest and i was still growing more and more. I tell ehr about my days and the things I achieved, one time i told her how i got a raise and i really like what i do and the degree i got in econ was really really paying off,,and i cant tell you how proud she was hearing those things cuz she worked hard to get me through school and raising me. Good luck with you and your family and def just be happy around her..you being there and really appreciating who she is will make give her energy for sure.

matrixer99
Posts: 1
Joined: May 2011

Hi, my name is Jose and when my mother was first diagnosed with colon cancer, I had 17 years old. Since then, everything in my life changed. My mother is a very strong person of character and did everything possible to ensure that their children were well. However, I have a big, united family. Also, my school assessments were of honor. But since the situation of my mother, I pretty depressed and started to leave school homework's to help her. Today, with 18 years of age, I'm still going through a difficult time. Anyway, I would like to know more about your daily life with this situation. Take care ;)

Thartt
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2011

I am 23 and my mom was diagnosed with stage 3c aggressive ovarian cancer, watching my mother the most kind loving strong and generous person I know go through chemo was difficult to say the least. It didnt help that I had basically no support system through the whole thing, a group of friends who were fun to go out with in the weekends but not the kind of people you turn to for emotional support. It's difficult to watch anyone especially your own mother deal with cancer and chemo and even after chemo constantly worrying if the cancer will come back. My mother has been in remission for 9 monts I just found out today that her ca125 is elevated along with an enlarged lymph node near her liver, two bad signs. It's difficult but no matter what I put on an act in front of my mom I always stay positive around her and wait til I'm alone to break down or get upset, it's hard but it's the least I can do. I pushed myself to study and pass my nursing exam despite how hard it is to concentrate because I know how happy it made her to see me pass. Overall all I can do is spend a lot of time with my mom stay positive and help her avoid stress

Noellesmom
Posts: 1291
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm sorry your mom is going through this, Thartt. It is especially difficult this time of year.

Congratulations on the nursing exam - I know your mom must be proud of you.

Friends to talk to are here - we may not be your Saturday night friends but, as you can see, we can be the ones there early on Sunday morning :)

Let us hear how you are doing - lots of people here with lots of experience who are willing to share.

ettevyva
Posts: 4
Joined: Jun 2005

Do you know about Low Dose Naltrexone !
new
It saved me! It's about $12.00 a month (without insurance coverage). It's a prescription with no side effects (except gave me amazing energy!) I'm a three time cancer survivor (2001, 2006, 2010). 3 weeks ago I had a mass and kept being called back for more ultrasounds. I've been on 2 mg of LDN for about 8 months, now. The results is they can find NO CANCER in the mass. Please Google Low Dose Naltrexone for Cancer. Also, Low Dose Naltrexone Homepage. It is a prescription. Naltrexone is FDA approved. Big Pharmas can't make a profit on it so do not inform doctors about it. Low Dose Naltrexone saved me! Please do the research. Dr. Biari gave it to stage 4 cancer patients that survived. People can beat it.

I learned about it on the FACEBOOK forums for LDN. Just put Low Dose Naltrexone in Facebook search.
http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.org/ldn_and_cancer.htm

Deena11
Posts: 193
Joined: Nov 2012

Hi krisyjsu04-
My situation is a little different. I have colon cancer (just found out I am in remission two weeks ago). My parents live in a different state and couldn't travel to be with me during all my chemo treatments and surgeries. Dad is in early onset Alzheimers and he is my Mom's caregiver. She had a Pituitary tumor years ago and when they removed it, they damaged her optic nerves and she became blind. They both are unable to travel. I live alone and they both felt like they wanted to be with me and take care of me. I was too sick to travel so I haven't seen them in almost a year. We are very close so it was extremely difficult for all of us. I can only imagine how helpless they felt not being able to be with me to comfort and support me. I worried about them because they felt so guilty and that was the last thing I wanted them to feel. I worried about them worrying about me so much! There were times I was struggling with medical complications and was admitted to the hospital several times. I didn't tell them about a few of those times so they wouldn't worry or feel helpless. Of course, I wish they could have been with me but it wouldn't have helped to make them worry so much when they were unable to help.

The good news is, I am able to travel now and will be spending two weeks with them at Christmas. We all can't wait to see each other. I miss them sooooooo much!

Thinking of you with positive thoughts and prayers.
Deena

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