Rant!
I'm still feeling rather broadsided by this cancer thing, and so is my family. I've always regarded my health issues as extremely personal. We live in a small community with lots of caring folks. But, there are also the ones who just want something to talk about. So far, we have been able to release the news on a "need to know" basis. However, it's just a matter of time before it becomes common knowledge, and I'm preparing myself for that.
The thing I've already encounterd, and have a real difficulty with, is the people who say "Oh, so&so had the "SAME THING", and she came through it just fine". Taking into account individual lifestyle differences, when it was detected, overall general health at the time of diagnosis, family history, etc...Is there any such thing as the "SAME THING", even if it looks the same in the pathology report? How can these people say it's the "SAME THING", when there are so many different kinds breast cancer?
I know most of these people mean well, and really want to be helpful, but how does one respond to them? Mainly, I guess along with all the other emotions I'm feeling, I'm angry too...and I don't want to aim it at the wrong target. I don't want to tell them how ignorant and insensitive I think they are, when they are just trying to make me feel better. This could kill me, so how can it be the "SAME THING" that so&so had and survived?
I could use some encouragement right now from those who've been through something similar. Thanks. Gracie.
Comments
-
The SAME THING
Of course they mean well and of course they don't have a clue. So glad that you are here. I live in a fishbowl too. Your real friends will be there for you. Your churches and other places of faith will be praying for you. The love will supersede all.
I know it's hard. I was angry too - I directed it at my surgeon. The psychological stuff has been hard for me to sort out. Smart of you to recognize the anger for what it is. Try the best you can to focus on the positive. Come here to share, whether its positive, or feeling overwhelming. We will love and support you, Gracie.
(BTW: My daughter and I were down near Boise yesterday and my daughter commented on some signage for a furniture (mostly for the bedroom) store which she felt was in poor tast: In gigantic, major highway-size letters, the store advertised itself as "Sleep with Grace." For the rest of the afternoon, lots of bad jokes and giggles followed.) : ) xoxoxo Lynn0 -
warm welcome
I know what you mean, most people do not understand how different everybodies cancer can be. Unless you have had someone very close to you that has it. I was even ignorant myself..though my mom had cancer it was not breast cancer, I always heard if you were to get cancer this was the best kind to have. Plus a friend of mine had it and never needed chemo or radiation just a mastectomy, wait! I don't mean to say "just" because this alone is traumatic enough. What i mean is I was expecting it all to be easy!! WRONG!! after talking with the oncologist I found how many different types and treatments for BC there are.
I'm sure these people do mean well, I just try to smile and tell them "you know you would really be surprised at how many different forms of BC there are, it seems everyone is different". I'm sure they are trying to make you feel better but.. Sometimes people are at a loss of what to say.
Keep posting here and you will find so much encouragement always from our sisters in pink,
Hugs, Jackie0 -
If people said that to me, I
If people said that to me, I would just say with a question in my voice "Oh Really?"
Then, they would either realize how dumb their remark was or they would try to explain it, making them look even dumber. I, personally, never had anyone say that.
I just got tired of everyone saying " You look so good" Like I was suppose to look like death or something.
Most mean well, they just are at a loss for words.
Lex0 -
I Hear Ya
I hear ya Girl. I have this neighbor. She is kind of a busy-body, always has been. She is a colon cancer survivor, though. So I keep that in mind. So when she walks into my home (Mom left the door unlocked) or knocks on the door with fruit but all the while she's scoping out my home and trying to see my bald head - I try to keep telling myself she means well. She just doesn't express it as I would. If I don't feel like company, I head her off at the door, don't allow her in and ask her to excuse me. She gets a little put off but she gets over it. Her hubby understands that sometimes you just are not up for company and talk. Sometimes I just want to lie down and close my eyes or get on this website.
Just know that it is OK to say "When". You call the ball.
P0 -
I had no clue myselfrjjj said:warm welcome
I know what you mean, most people do not understand how different everybodies cancer can be. Unless you have had someone very close to you that has it. I was even ignorant myself..though my mom had cancer it was not breast cancer, I always heard if you were to get cancer this was the best kind to have. Plus a friend of mine had it and never needed chemo or radiation just a mastectomy, wait! I don't mean to say "just" because this alone is traumatic enough. What i mean is I was expecting it all to be easy!! WRONG!! after talking with the oncologist I found how many different types and treatments for BC there are.
I'm sure these people do mean well, I just try to smile and tell them "you know you would really be surprised at how many different forms of BC there are, it seems everyone is different". I'm sure they are trying to make you feel better but.. Sometimes people are at a loss of what to say.
Keep posting here and you will find so much encouragement always from our sisters in pink,
Hugs, Jackie
Hi, Gracie, and welcome -
I consider myself someone who has always been very involved with my health, I keep up on health issues and research, I read lots of health and wellness magazines and articles -- and, until my own diagnosis, I was probably just as ignorant as the people you're talking about. I think I knew that some women had to have mastectomies and others could have lumpectomies, but you mean there are *different* kinds of breast cancer, and *different* ways of treating it? I really had NO clue.
I think we all get the "SAME THING" comments from time to time, and I try to take a deep breath and remember how ignorant I used to be, to keep myself from screaming at the person in response.
I think Jackie's suggestion is a great one. If you feel like being even more proactive, or want to take another step, the ACS has some excellent free brochures that I've just requested and received: "Listen with Your Heart: Talking with the Person Who Has Cancer," "Talking with Friends and Relatives about Your Cancer," and "When Someone You Work with Has Cancer." I believe that you can download them from their website, too, but I've really had good experiences calling the ACS, and saying, "Okay, here's what I'm dealing with now -- you got any materials for this?" They always have good ideas.
Good luck,
Traci0 -
Been thereaztec45 said:I Hear Ya
I hear ya Girl. I have this neighbor. She is kind of a busy-body, always has been. She is a colon cancer survivor, though. So I keep that in mind. So when she walks into my home (Mom left the door unlocked) or knocks on the door with fruit but all the while she's scoping out my home and trying to see my bald head - I try to keep telling myself she means well. She just doesn't express it as I would. If I don't feel like company, I head her off at the door, don't allow her in and ask her to excuse me. She gets a little put off but she gets over it. Her hubby understands that sometimes you just are not up for company and talk. Sometimes I just want to lie down and close my eyes or get on this website.
Just know that it is OK to say "When". You call the ball.
P
I think we've all been there and heard the comments about people who have had the "same thing" and are fine ... or whatever. And the people who say we look great when we feel like crap. I just kept telling myself that they ALL mean well ... and just don't know what to say. I try to be patient ... and nice and come up with something very simple because I doubt that they really want to hear all of the details.
One thing I really have learned is to be selfish. Yep. Think only of yourself ... and what is best for YOU! If you don't want to do something ... speak up ... "sorry, I just don't feel like it." Speak up and learn to say "no" ... a LOT!
hugs.
teena0 -
ditto ditto ditto
When
ditto ditto ditto
When hearing about yet another person who had breast cancer and is now just fine...
-for some people I say..."that is great news, what stage was she at, did she have surgery, chemo, radiation, do you know the status of her hormone receptors..." I ask in my sweetest voice, but it does give the person the idea that there is much more to BC than you have it and then you don't...
-for some I just nod and say how great for her and her family.
-for some (like my closest frends and family) I say how stupid of me to be so scared!
For all I do try and keep in mind that whoever they are talking about is a sister in pink who probably was being pronounced 'fine' in casual conversations long before her side effects, scary thoughts, and confidence in her own body returned. My hope is that those people who like to share her good news are also there for her listening to the not so pleasent stuff.
That is one thing this site does so well for me.
Jojo0 -
But everyone's
situation is different!! Wish everyone knew this! Sometimes I wish that people would just keep their mouths shut if they don't know about something-uggghhh!!0 -
Here's your Sign! LOL LOL
I have a Personal Mantra which has helped me through Cancer treatment and more~ it is: "Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At." One thing I know for sure, I needed Strength to make it through the maze of cancer, and anger my zaps strength and makes me powerless. I am not always successful, but I keep reading the mantra and hopefully it will eventually come to define me. I even had it printed on my checks, just to remind me!
Another saying I like is;" Be kinder than necessary, as everyone is fighting some kind of battle" . I know there are rude, unkind, down-right mean,and even stupid people out there. I also know it isn't my job or in my abiilty to fix them! I can be thankful knowing I am not one of them, and even feel sorry that they are! It helps me to take their comments in stride, and even hope that some comments are made out of ignorance, because of not quite knowing just what to say to me.
And for those who remember the Southern Charm joke~ ( and for those who don't I will just give the punchline) when people say those assinine things, instead of getting angry, or throwing them an F-Bomb or otherwise lowering myself to their level, I simply smile and say "Isn't that nice???" It covers so much nonsense and keeps my b/p at a manageable level!
Hugs, and oh yeah~ we vent/rant/rave and get it out of our systems regularly in this Safe House! If not for this place, I would have lost my hair not just to chemo, but to pulling it out from frustration!
Claudia, aka Pollyanna! hahahahahaha!0 -
heard that
Yes, Gracie, we've all heard that in one form or another. Sometimes it is out of desperation and fear. When I was first diganosed, a very dear friend called with the names of several people in her academic department who had had breast cancer and come back to teach the following semester. She was trying to be helpful and give me hope that things would be OK. Truthfully, at that point I needed stories like that. I didn't know anything about breast cancer and just wanted to know that there were people who had had it and were still around. Later, however, when I got into the nitty gritty of things I learned just how much of an individual disease it is -- just how much it differs from person to person. Now, comments like that don't mean much to me, and sometimes anger me, especially when it comes from people very close to me, like my mom. I try not to snap at her, but sometimes after the hundreth time hearing of a friend of a friend who had breast cancer thirty years ago and now runs marathons, I can be testy. You're right, it is never the "same thing."
I think you are right to recognize that you're angry and don't want to target well meaning people who may say insensitive things. Just keeping reminding yourself of that. I know it might still be too raw, but think of little things that would make you happy and distract you. Trips, coffee on an outdoor deck, playing cards with friends in the evening, whatever. Don't forget to live your life during all this crap.
Mimi0 -
You're The BEST...Thanks!!chenheart said:Here's your Sign! LOL LOL
I have a Personal Mantra which has helped me through Cancer treatment and more~ it is: "Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At." One thing I know for sure, I needed Strength to make it through the maze of cancer, and anger my zaps strength and makes me powerless. I am not always successful, but I keep reading the mantra and hopefully it will eventually come to define me. I even had it printed on my checks, just to remind me!
Another saying I like is;" Be kinder than necessary, as everyone is fighting some kind of battle" . I know there are rude, unkind, down-right mean,and even stupid people out there. I also know it isn't my job or in my abiilty to fix them! I can be thankful knowing I am not one of them, and even feel sorry that they are! It helps me to take their comments in stride, and even hope that some comments are made out of ignorance, because of not quite knowing just what to say to me.
And for those who remember the Southern Charm joke~ ( and for those who don't I will just give the punchline) when people say those assinine things, instead of getting angry, or throwing them an F-Bomb or otherwise lowering myself to their level, I simply smile and say "Isn't that nice???" It covers so much nonsense and keeps my b/p at a manageable level!
Hugs, and oh yeah~ we vent/rant/rave and get it out of our systems regularly in this Safe House! If not for this place, I would have lost my hair not just to chemo, but to pulling it out from frustration!
Claudia, aka Pollyanna! hahahahahaha!
Hello everyone...
I just want to thank you all for the positive responses, and for letting me know that I am not alone in this journey. You are helping me put this in the right perspective. There is so much I need to learn...especially how to choose my battles and to concentrate all my strengths toward regaining my health. Nothing else should matter. Your kind replies and encouragement have helped me realize that I don't need to let others control how I "feel". Claudia, thanks for the lesson in Southern Charm. I think I shall probably say "Isn't that luuuvly" often, [even to myself a lot of times, while I just smile sweetly].
Thanks again! Gracie0 -
I can identify!!!!!mimivac said:heard that
Yes, Gracie, we've all heard that in one form or another. Sometimes it is out of desperation and fear. When I was first diganosed, a very dear friend called with the names of several people in her academic department who had had breast cancer and come back to teach the following semester. She was trying to be helpful and give me hope that things would be OK. Truthfully, at that point I needed stories like that. I didn't know anything about breast cancer and just wanted to know that there were people who had had it and were still around. Later, however, when I got into the nitty gritty of things I learned just how much of an individual disease it is -- just how much it differs from person to person. Now, comments like that don't mean much to me, and sometimes anger me, especially when it comes from people very close to me, like my mom. I try not to snap at her, but sometimes after the hundreth time hearing of a friend of a friend who had breast cancer thirty years ago and now runs marathons, I can be testy. You're right, it is never the "same thing."
I think you are right to recognize that you're angry and don't want to target well meaning people who may say insensitive things. Just keeping reminding yourself of that. I know it might still be too raw, but think of little things that would make you happy and distract you. Trips, coffee on an outdoor deck, playing cards with friends in the evening, whatever. Don't forget to live your life during all this crap.
Mimi
I still get the, "You look great," which usually gets followed by, "for what you've been through," or some such stupid comment. A woman I sorta know asked me, "How do they feel?" and then actually poked me in one of my foobs (fake boobs, for those that are new...as in reconstructed from a bilat. mast. w/implants) the other day. And this was on the street in the middle of our town's annual arts festival! That was a new one, even for me. And this town is REALLY small.
I also got, and still get, a lot of, "Oh, you're so lucky you only had to have that surgery." I know I'm lucky compared to many of you on here, but that's between US. It's different when someone with no personal experience with cancer says that. And I don't know that I was so lucky to lose both my breasts. The foobs are nice, under clothing, but they are still weird and numb in some places/painful in others.
And then there are the many, many -- like you Grace -- who tell me about all their friends and relatives who went through the "same thing."
So, I guess it's all part of the process. And people are trying to be nice, and often they just don't know what to say, so you have to cut them a little slack and take some deep breaths.
I like Chen's saying: Be stronger than, not angry at. That works for me.
Hang in there,
Debi0 -
For Youmimivac said:heard that
Yes, Gracie, we've all heard that in one form or another. Sometimes it is out of desperation and fear. When I was first diganosed, a very dear friend called with the names of several people in her academic department who had had breast cancer and come back to teach the following semester. She was trying to be helpful and give me hope that things would be OK. Truthfully, at that point I needed stories like that. I didn't know anything about breast cancer and just wanted to know that there were people who had had it and were still around. Later, however, when I got into the nitty gritty of things I learned just how much of an individual disease it is -- just how much it differs from person to person. Now, comments like that don't mean much to me, and sometimes anger me, especially when it comes from people very close to me, like my mom. I try not to snap at her, but sometimes after the hundreth time hearing of a friend of a friend who had breast cancer thirty years ago and now runs marathons, I can be testy. You're right, it is never the "same thing."
I think you are right to recognize that you're angry and don't want to target well meaning people who may say insensitive things. Just keeping reminding yourself of that. I know it might still be too raw, but think of little things that would make you happy and distract you. Trips, coffee on an outdoor deck, playing cards with friends in the evening, whatever. Don't forget to live your life during all this crap.
Mimi
Gracie, when I first got breast cancer, some of my friends were unbelieving. I would say to them that I was going for this test or that and they automatically thought it would be nothing. Then I went through the phase of hearing about this person or that who had this cancer or that one. The topper for me was when one of my friends brought up Robin Givens of Good Morning America. She said that Robin was working through her treatments...I worked in a factory on my feet while I had rads...and looked good. Well, Robin had people to take care of her every need, I didn't.I didn't feel it was a fair comparison.
I still get the"you look good" speeches and the stories about survivors of this or that. I just smile and nod.Let me talk with real survivors!
Most people are well meaning and just do not know what to say when they talk with me. I have learned to let a lot go. Cindy0 -
I always downplayed it all
For everyone. I just stated the bare minimum of the things I had to get done. I did tell everyone in the office about it because I figured they would have to go through it all with me to some extent. But my mantra when asked how I was doing was always the same "fine fine".
Then when I say I am going in for reconstructive surgery I get that funny look, because I did not share in the beginning.
My biggest thing was that I did not want to lose my hair, and everyone says "it will grow back" Well duh, I know that, but it doesn't help when I know I'm going to lose it. Everything else I didn't care what people said to me.
I actually said to someone how lucky I have been the last couple of years to get out of jury duty, and she says "oh yeah, you're so lucky you got cancer...dummy". Now that was funny.
=^..^=0 -
Cindy54 said:
For You
Gracie, when I first got breast cancer, some of my friends were unbelieving. I would say to them that I was going for this test or that and they automatically thought it would be nothing. Then I went through the phase of hearing about this person or that who had this cancer or that one. The topper for me was when one of my friends brought up Robin Givens of Good Morning America. She said that Robin was working through her treatments...I worked in a factory on my feet while I had rads...and looked good. Well, Robin had people to take care of her every need, I didn't.I didn't feel it was a fair comparison.
I still get the"you look good" speeches and the stories about survivors of this or that. I just smile and nod.Let me talk with real survivors!
Most people are well meaning and just do not know what to say when they talk with me. I have learned to let a lot go. Cindy
When you first tell
When you first tell friends
that you have cancer
Some stammer, some stutter,
they don't have an answer
They try to assure you
that will be well
When mostly you're
just feeling like hell.
They all have friends
or someone they knew
Who had a cancer
exactly like you.
They don't know your treatment
Or even your pain
But, gosh, they are sure
It's completely the same.
Saying you look great
Won't do the trick
I wanted to tell them
I'll try to look sick.
Well meaning friends
who truly do care
Can't know what it like
When you're losing your hair.
They aren't the ones
with tears flowing down
The ones wearing scarves
As they go about town.
They think that they're helping
They honestly do
But I wish they'd back off
You know you do too.
What's better than this
would be cook us a meal
Or take us to chemo
Then you'll see how we feel.
Offer to come and
clean up my house
Help with my kids
Or even my spouse.
Don't say that you're sorry
and then stay away
I can still laugh
and I can still play.
And for those of you
who don't know what to say
Just say that you're sorry
Cause I'll be okay.
It's funny that I can write these poems but I am always at a loss to name them. I took some liberties as I was lucky enough not to have had hair loss and I didn't do chemo. But I have listened to my sisters and so I incorporated it into this. I hope you all don't mind.
Stef0 -
Welcome
I first want to say welcome and you have come to a wonderful site. Everyone here is very supportive and makes me feel so much better when i post my fears and questions. We even have laughs and smiles on the board sometimes and boy does that help. I know to that those people THINK they mean well, but in my opinion, everyone is different and not everyone heals the same or handles everything the same. It all comes in different stages and types and forms so it could be so different than anyone else. Its probably hard to keep your mouth shut when they say that to you and maybe tell them that well, everyone is different. You should maybe speak up the next time because it really sounds like its upsetting you alot. Try to do it in a "nice" tone however, although that could be tough too. Getting this kind of diagnosis is devestating and everyone and their support teams handle it different too. Try to be positive, come to the board and vent all you want, it will help. You will get nothing but positive feed back from everyone here and they know that you are one of kind. Try to keep your head up, you will get better. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
laura0 -
Steffauxma said:
When you first tell
When you first tell friends
that you have cancer
Some stammer, some stutter,
they don't have an answer
They try to assure you
that will be well
When mostly you're
just feeling like hell.
They all have friends
or someone they knew
Who had a cancer
exactly like you.
They don't know your treatment
Or even your pain
But, gosh, they are sure
It's completely the same.
Saying you look great
Won't do the trick
I wanted to tell them
I'll try to look sick.
Well meaning friends
who truly do care
Can't know what it like
When you're losing your hair.
They aren't the ones
with tears flowing down
The ones wearing scarves
As they go about town.
They think that they're helping
They honestly do
But I wish they'd back off
You know you do too.
What's better than this
would be cook us a meal
Or take us to chemo
Then you'll see how we feel.
Offer to come and
clean up my house
Help with my kids
Or even my spouse.
Don't say that you're sorry
and then stay away
I can still laugh
and I can still play.
And for those of you
who don't know what to say
Just say that you're sorry
Cause I'll be okay.
It's funny that I can write these poems but I am always at a loss to name them. I took some liberties as I was lucky enough not to have had hair loss and I didn't do chemo. But I have listened to my sisters and so I incorporated it into this. I hope you all don't mind.
Stef
All I can saw is WOW, you said it all.0 -
Wow!!!fauxma said:
When you first tell
When you first tell friends
that you have cancer
Some stammer, some stutter,
they don't have an answer
They try to assure you
that will be well
When mostly you're
just feeling like hell.
They all have friends
or someone they knew
Who had a cancer
exactly like you.
They don't know your treatment
Or even your pain
But, gosh, they are sure
It's completely the same.
Saying you look great
Won't do the trick
I wanted to tell them
I'll try to look sick.
Well meaning friends
who truly do care
Can't know what it like
When you're losing your hair.
They aren't the ones
with tears flowing down
The ones wearing scarves
As they go about town.
They think that they're helping
They honestly do
But I wish they'd back off
You know you do too.
What's better than this
would be cook us a meal
Or take us to chemo
Then you'll see how we feel.
Offer to come and
clean up my house
Help with my kids
Or even my spouse.
Don't say that you're sorry
and then stay away
I can still laugh
and I can still play.
And for those of you
who don't know what to say
Just say that you're sorry
Cause I'll be okay.
It's funny that I can write these poems but I am always at a loss to name them. I took some liberties as I was lucky enough not to have had hair loss and I didn't do chemo. But I have listened to my sisters and so I incorporated it into this. I hope you all don't mind.
Stef
Stef, I would be running out to get that one copywrited!! As for a title, how about "It's Not What You Think" or something like that? Great poem, love it!!
-) Pammy 0 -
Hi Graciem_azingrace said:You're The BEST...Thanks!!
Hello everyone...
I just want to thank you all for the positive responses, and for letting me know that I am not alone in this journey. You are helping me put this in the right perspective. There is so much I need to learn...especially how to choose my battles and to concentrate all my strengths toward regaining my health. Nothing else should matter. Your kind replies and encouragement have helped me realize that I don't need to let others control how I "feel". Claudia, thanks for the lesson in Southern Charm. I think I shall probably say "Isn't that luuuvly" often, [even to myself a lot of times, while I just smile sweetly].
Thanks again! Gracie
I guess your not alone. Seems like this bothers alot of people. I am somewhat different I suppose (well, Ok, everyone pretty much knows by now that I'm not normal!!). It just never bothered me. I was always thrilled to hear of a success story (Yep, I'll make it too) and how strong someone was working through treatment (wow, what stanima she has!) and you look really good (this was my favorite as I LOVE to hear compliments!). I was amazed how many people actually approached me! I truely felt like someone famous. Decided, ok, if I gotta have BC may as well have some perks out of it!! I guess it's the way you look at things.
Plus I have learned that life is too short to worry about things I can not change. I can not change anyone but myself. Therefore, I worry only about myself....smile.-) Pammy 0
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