Jul 31, 2009 - 12:33 am
We just recently lost my mother Barbara to Lung Cancer last Friday. She was 54 years old.
We had gotten the news that cancer cells were found in her pleura after being given the clear in June, so however it hit her, it hit her fast. She was sick with an infection as well, so it was a combination of things. We buried her this morning, two spots away from my aunt who passed away before I was born, she had Melanoma that spread to the brain.
I don't know if I'm still in shock or if something's wrong with me, because I'm not crying. Everyone is so worried about me and everyone thinks I'm just trying to hold it in, but it's not that at all. I have my moments and I let myself cry then, as they're in private and with special memories. But everyone thinks that because I'm not crying in public, that I'm not grieving.
I don't know if it was the one night I was sitting by her bed in the hospital holding her hand and singing the lullaby she sang to me as a baby, the last night I saw her. I felt absolutely horrible that I didn't stay like everyone else, I had to leave the hospital. I couldn't touch blankets, I couldn't even sit in the dang chair because I was being continuously traumatized by the machines and the whole aura of the hospital. I felt like I was leaving her and she wouldn't have both of her daughters with her when she went. I was the only one that left, and it stayed like that until Friday when it was finally over.
I was telling my cousin that same Wednesday night that I can't remember anything good with her right now. All I could see was the morphine drip attached to her, her sleeping in her bed with her mouth open and having labored breathing, opening her eyes for maybe moments and just looking at you before going right back out again. I can't see her long hair before the chemo took it all off, I look at pictures and I can't even fathom that she ever had long hair. I don't remember anything from school, from my camp, anything. All I see is Cancer and it's ripping me apart inside. I feel like a total piece of crap because the only thing I can remember is the the lullaby. Cancer took away every other good memory of her and I'm scared I won't ever get them back.