Unexpected Funk
I'm scheduled for chemo and a MUGA tomorrow. It's a 1 1/2 hour drive there and home. It will be my 3rd in this series of weekly for 12 weeks, and for the first time, I don't want to go. It's different than dreading it. I mean, I really don't want to go. My mind is quickly moving into the direction of "I'm not going" - I can feel it coming. In fact, I've already told my poor Mom not to take off of work because I'm not going. It must be so difficult to be support person. I can't even imagine.
I had a funk somewhere around week 6-7 that lasted about a week. It stemmed from the same place. I retreated from everyone and worked my way through it but it took a long time, was not good for anyone and I'm certain it spiked my estrogen levels to places they simply should not go.
My problem is that our home depends on two incomes. Right now, I cannot work AND my cancer has added a healthy new chunk to our monthly bills so we are in complete deficit mode. We are not eligible for ANY short term assistance and we will be waiting until at least Oct/Nov before I even find out if I'm eligible for disability. I could go on & on but there is no beginning & end to this. Simply put, we're not fighting the cancer nearly as much as we are fighting to sustain our household.
Most days, I find only good, look for positives, count my blessings and appreciate what I have. Tonight, the bitterness has reared it's ugly head. It's that time of the month...bill time.
Even more scary, my normally passionate, fiery side is ready to roll.
I am talking myself into every reason under the sun why not to go to chemo: I need to quit and get to work, I'm tired of chemo and, although I thought these weekly rounds would be better, they are worse, blah, blah, blah.
The other night rjjj said "You were led to us now (when you can handle this) because we are a unique group of kindred spirits..." and I really believe that. Many of you said this site is a Godsend and I believe that, too.
So, I'm here doing something that is completely the opposite of my typical instinct to withdraw, retreat, pull it together and then emerge again.
Frankly, I need a kick from someone I CAN'T say "you don't understand" to...
Comments
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Get rid of the funk!
I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. I can't understand your feelings, as, I didn't have chemo and I didn't have to work. But, I had bc twice, and, I know that I fought it and will continue to fight it with everything I can. I love my husband, I love my family, I love my friends, I love life! Nothing will deter me from enjoying that. And, I hope you realize that you need to fight bc too with everything inside of you. I know some on here did work during chemo. I hope they will post and let you know how they did it. Maybe, you can work part time or something.
All I can say is please take your treatment! Life is so precious, fight to live it!
Big hugs, Jeanne0 -
Hi, I'm so sorry that you
Hi,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. What is good to know is that we have all been to that place inside us. The fact that you came here instead of totally withdrawing is a good sign. Okay kindred spirit, sister warrior here we go, get ready for that butt kicking!
NONE of the things that you are worrying about is more important than you living. Hard to go back to work when you are dead. Money situations suck--every where. Think about the old "blood from a turnip" quote. If creditors start hassling you, tell them what I did.
If you p^$$ me off by calling me all the time, I will take your bill our of the hat and then you'll never get paid. It works. Fighting cancer is hard work, the hardest you will ever do. YOU will make it and we will be with you kicking but all the way if need be.
You are a strong woman and you've hit a brick wall. I know you will get past this brick wall. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and gentle hugs,
Donna0 -
Sweetie, I understand. I
Sweetie, I understand. I didn't want my last FEC tx (I had only had 2 out of 3). I went there but I cried and begged to get out of it. They gave me false info which which forced me to take the tx. I'm glad I did now, but only because if it came back I don't want to think it was because of the missed tx. My reasons weren't financial but I can understand how that would effect your decision. I'm going through decision making right now where it's my job or my life and strange as it may seem I'm having a difficult time deciding.
Then I kick myself and ask what is the matter with me..........It's my LIFE! I don't know the details of your finances but I'll throw out a few suggestions and hopefully at least one might strike you as possibility. It's hard to think going through chemo, I'm sorry you have these problems added to you.
Perhaps you could size down until you get on your feet, could relatives help financially for a while, rent out a room, take a 2nd mortgage, perhaps the bank could have you only pay the interest on your mortgage for 6 mos, do you have any investments you can cash in, and there is something my husband found in our life insurance policies, there is a clause for critical illness. They give you a cash lump sum. Not a huge amount but it sure helped. So check your insurance policies. I wonder if the ACS has any suggestions.
Your life is important and so are these tx's, I hope you stick to them. In the end that's all that's important even though it's hard to watch bills build up and that awful feeling of not able to pay them but you need to do this....and it doesn't last forever even though it may feel like it.
big hugs and hope you find some solutions
jan0 -
Thank You
Thanks to all.
KC0 -
KC...
I feel really bad for you because I could not imagine what it is like to go through chemo. I think out of all the treatments, that chemo would be the toughest for me.
I really admire you for being such a brave soul and doing what needs to be done to sustain your life. It would be sad to have gone this far and decide to give up. Please don't do that.
I think anyone who has BC is put into an unexpected financial situation. My husband's employer (whom our Ins. is through) decided to change Insurance plans in the middle of my treatment! I was not paying for my treatment and now I have hundreds of dollars a month that has to come out of my pocket. This was not in our budget!! There is nothing I can do....my life comes first.
I am one that cannot manage my treatment and work at the same time. I made a tough decision to make ME come first. And there was no time to come up with a financial solution before my last day of work. I had to take the leap on faith.
Some things that I did was to cut our cable to bare minimum. I stopped our XM satelite subscription. I put the gas money towards groceries. And I have given my house a clean sweep by selling things I no longer wanted on e-bay. All the little changes add up in the end. Also, make a list of family & friends or contact your church. Ask for 1 meal a day to be delivered to you. This saves alot on your grocery bill, gives you a break from cooking, and makes people feel better because you took them up on their offer to help!!
Hang in there. This board has been my lifeline!! Even though we did not have the money, my laptop was the one investment I made in my health that benefited me the most. I really hope you can pull yourself up, take a DEEP breath, and hold your head high. Be proud of who you are. Put that foot out and take that step towards putting one more treatment behind you. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you start feeling better.
Pammy 0 -
I am sorry to hear that youfaithandprayer said:Thank You
Thanks to all.
KC
I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. If you need assistance, check with the ACS or the Susan B. Komen foundation. Also, many hospitals will work with you too. You must get your treatments. Contact your church or any church in your area. They will help you with food and maybe more. Just reach out, help is there for you.
Please feel better!
Hugs, Leeza0 -
GO TO CHEMO!
I hope that by the time you read this you have gone to your scheduled treatment.I'll kick your butt, but softly......... NOTHING is more important at this time than you and your health! My heart breaks for you and your financial situation but this is your life. NO one looks forward to chemo.....my third one is this coming Monday. But then again I only have to have 4 total, so I can't relate to going weekly. But I hope and pray you have reconsidered. Not only do you need your family and their love and support, but they need YOU! In my case, I think my bc is harder on my husband and grown kids than it is for me.....They feel so helpless, so think of your MOM....If this was YOUR child, (you're still your mom's "baby," even when grown)YOU'd do anything to see that she had the best treatment available, which means going to your chemo........SO GO!
Contact the ACS for financial help.......they can direct you from what I understand.
I wish you well......hang in there, you can do it!0 -
I agree.......
I agree with what has already been said here. But the most compelling remark in my mind, was Donna's..."nothing is more important than your life." And when you add it all up..the financial issues, the depression, the withdrawal, the sadness..all of it, the fact is that YOU LIVING needs to be the focus.
There were times when I told my husband and family that I was not going to go on. That I couldn't face another chemo and I would rather just die in peace.
Well, they booted my backside and pointed out to me that their lives would be devastated without me. So I know that your loved ones would be in agony without you!
We will be your cheering squad and rah, rah you into continuing. Now, please call your Mom and tell her that chemo is going to happen, as scheduled.
Love and hugs,
CR0 -
I pray like the others thatCR1954 said:I agree.......
I agree with what has already been said here. But the most compelling remark in my mind, was Donna's..."nothing is more important than your life." And when you add it all up..the financial issues, the depression, the withdrawal, the sadness..all of it, the fact is that YOU LIVING needs to be the focus.
There were times when I told my husband and family that I was not going to go on. That I couldn't face another chemo and I would rather just die in peace.
Well, they booted my backside and pointed out to me that their lives would be devastated without me. So I know that your loved ones would be in agony without you!
We will be your cheering squad and rah, rah you into continuing. Now, please call your Mom and tell her that chemo is going to happen, as scheduled.
Love and hugs,
CR
I pray like the others that you are at chemo right now. Your life is all that is important and taking care of it, no matter what.
You can do this. We are here to help and support you in anyway.
So, please get your treatment. You can do this!
Hugs, Noel0 -
I'm so sorryNoel said:I pray like the others that
I pray like the others that you are at chemo right now. Your life is all that is important and taking care of it, no matter what.
You can do this. We are here to help and support you in anyway.
So, please get your treatment. You can do this!
Hugs, Noel
I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. It is perfectly understandable and many of us have been there ourselves. It's an awful feeling ... but you CAN do it. You are a lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Look how far you've come already! You CAN do it.
We are all praying for you ... and sending our cyber hugs to you. So ... you won't be getting that treatment alone ... we'll all be there with you holding your hand.
hugs.
teena0 -
((((HUGS)))))
Turn around and lean your tushie a bit this way~ I am giving you the requested KICK! :-)
And yeah, we do understand it, all too well, actually. I know my Kindred Spirits will forgive me for repeating my favorite quote once more: ( or they can say it for me, being that they probably know it by heart now too!)
WE DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO SO WE CAN DO WHAT WE WANT TO DO!!!!
You know what you have to do~ and lots of times, we balk at doing it because making this grand decision NOT to, seems to be putting us back in control of our lives and our destiny. Getting there is not half the fun; aside from the amazing people we meet along the way, just about nothing associated with cancer and it's treatment is fun. But we do it, funk, crappy attitude, estrogen spikes and all! Each treatment done is one closer to being finished!
I have also recommended this EMPOWERING 3 minute online movie previously~ I love it, and think you just might too! Just go to www.TheSurvivorMovie.com It will no doubt pick you up and put you back on the road to well, where you need to be! And for any of you in here who haven't sen it, or haven't seen it lately~ watch it...it is the boost we often need.
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
Just sending you some hugschenheart said:((((HUGS)))))
Turn around and lean your tushie a bit this way~ I am giving you the requested KICK! :-)
And yeah, we do understand it, all too well, actually. I know my Kindred Spirits will forgive me for repeating my favorite quote once more: ( or they can say it for me, being that they probably know it by heart now too!)
WE DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO SO WE CAN DO WHAT WE WANT TO DO!!!!
You know what you have to do~ and lots of times, we balk at doing it because making this grand decision NOT to, seems to be putting us back in control of our lives and our destiny. Getting there is not half the fun; aside from the amazing people we meet along the way, just about nothing associated with cancer and it's treatment is fun. But we do it, funk, crappy attitude, estrogen spikes and all! Each treatment done is one closer to being finished!
I have also recommended this EMPOWERING 3 minute online movie previously~ I love it, and think you just might too! Just go to www.TheSurvivorMovie.com It will no doubt pick you up and put you back on the road to well, where you need to be! And for any of you in here who haven't sen it, or haven't seen it lately~ watch it...it is the boost we often need.
Hugs,
Claudia
Just sending you some hugs and hoping that you went for your chemo! Post and let us know how you are doing. This site is to help bc survivors like you to pull you out of your funk and to make you feel better. Hopefully, we do that for you!0 -
Me too!!!Kristin N said:Just sending you some hugs
Just sending you some hugs and hoping that you went for your chemo! Post and let us know how you are doing. This site is to help bc survivors like you to pull you out of your funk and to make you feel better. Hopefully, we do that for you!
I'm with Kristin and hope you made it to your chemo. Please post and let us know, we do care about you!! Pammy 0 -
Praying you went to chemoAkiss4me said:Me too!!!
I'm with Kristin and hope you made it to your chemo. Please post and let us know, we do care about you!! Pammy
Praying you went to chemo and hoping to hear from you that you did. Your life is important!
Hugs, Diane 0 -
Faith please let us know how you're doingDianeBC said:Praying you went to chemo
Praying you went to chemo and hoping to hear from you that you did. Your life is important!
Hugs, Diane
I haven't started chemo yet and am hoping the ONCOTEST DX will say I don't have to, but if it comes back boarder line then I'm doing it. I'm sure there will days that I'll need you to kick my butt into going, so please be there for me........
I don't know who said it but........I read it on someone's post, and it really made sense to me.
"I am your past and you are my future".
So please kick this thing in the butt, and go to your chemo. I know things are hard right now, they are for me too. I'm the sole money maker in my home of 4 people right now. But my life is more important than all the things I have or owe combined.
And belive me you'll get through, you'll cut back and do what you need too, but I'm sure you'll find a way, there's been alot of good ideas said all ready.
Just remember we're here with you to get through it all.
God Bless you Faith
Aurora.
My foot is spinning and it's ready to give you a kick. I just hope I don't miss:)0 -
Glad your surgery went wellaurora2009 said:Faith please let us know how you're doing
I haven't started chemo yet and am hoping the ONCOTEST DX will say I don't have to, but if it comes back boarder line then I'm doing it. I'm sure there will days that I'll need you to kick my butt into going, so please be there for me........
I don't know who said it but........I read it on someone's post, and it really made sense to me.
"I am your past and you are my future".
So please kick this thing in the butt, and go to your chemo. I know things are hard right now, they are for me too. I'm the sole money maker in my home of 4 people right now. But my life is more important than all the things I have or owe combined.
And belive me you'll get through, you'll cut back and do what you need too, but I'm sure you'll find a way, there's been alot of good ideas said all ready.
Just remember we're here with you to get through it all.
God Bless you Faith
Aurora.
My foot is spinning and it's ready to give you a kick. I just hope I don't miss:)
Glad your surgery went well Aurora. You sound good!
Hugs0 -
Life Line
Hi All,
Thank you so much for your responses, support, prayers and gentle kicks. To my "first responders", a special thanks. Your words rang true immediately and were impossible to deny.
...so, I went yesterday. I hated every moment. I cried silent tears almost the entire 1 1/2 hour ride there. There was no make up, no extra care when dressing, no smile, no bravado. Just a body that showed up for it's scheduled duty. But the deed was done. And, now that it's behind me, of course, I'm glad I did.
I'm still working through my mental-rebuild. I hate being in this place mentally. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I'm not very good at it, either. I really like the smiling, look forward to an excuse to "doll up", find the blessings & laughter, appreciate every moment (even the icky ones), much better. Anger is so unhealthy, unbecoming and unproductive. So, I'll keep digging.
Hugs to you all. You were/are literally my lifeline with this scheduled chemo. I sincerely believe if I had not found you, I would have ditched out...
Hugs,
KC0 -
Thank you Survivorsurvivorbc09 said:Glad your surgery went well
Glad your surgery went well Aurora. You sound good!
Hugs
I'm on alot of pain meds, but I'm able to move around some, and I'm in a good mood. Just glad it's over I guess.
Only bad part is that I have edit alot or you'd never be able to read it (I just wrote hear it, instead of read it HaHaHa
Edit #1, Edit #2, Edit #3 hehehe
To many Caps, and to many spaces0 -
So Glad to hear you went. Kcfaithandprayer said:Life Line
Hi All,
Thank you so much for your responses, support, prayers and gentle kicks. To my "first responders", a special thanks. Your words rang true immediately and were impossible to deny.
...so, I went yesterday. I hated every moment. I cried silent tears almost the entire 1 1/2 hour ride there. There was no make up, no extra care when dressing, no smile, no bravado. Just a body that showed up for it's scheduled duty. But the deed was done. And, now that it's behind me, of course, I'm glad I did.
I'm still working through my mental-rebuild. I hate being in this place mentally. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I'm not very good at it, either. I really like the smiling, look forward to an excuse to "doll up", find the blessings & laughter, appreciate every moment (even the icky ones), much better. Anger is so unhealthy, unbecoming and unproductive. So, I'll keep digging.
Hugs to you all. You were/are literally my lifeline with this scheduled chemo. I sincerely believe if I had not found you, I would have ditched out...
Hugs,
KC
I don't know what state you in but here in California there's a program that helps with costs and co-pay's, it's called the:
Cancer Detection Program ...Every Woman Counts.
It's a State Funded Program in California....
It will pay for detection and treatments of BC and Ovarian Cancer
The website is:
http://www.cdph.ca.gov/programs/CancerDetection/Pages/CancerDetectionPrograms
EveryWomanCounts.aspx
If you're not in California see if your state has something like this.
I had to use this program to get started in my treatment, because I never signed up for benefits a my job, they were just to costly. Plus I thought I'll wait til next year, nothings gonna happen to me, I was wrong of course and I will be using our benefit plan in January, after I sign up for it in November, meanwhile even though I make good enough money, I have 3 dependants, and qualify for Medi-cal, So thats what I have now.
They're been really good to me and as it happens, they refer out To Scripps/Mercy which is the top in San Diego for cancer treatment and prevention. I feel really great about my treatment and Drs. so far and couldn't be luckier.
Anyway the pain meds are at it again, so I'm going on and on.
But I'm really glad to hear that you went in yesterday, I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Let us Know when your next one is and we'll walk you through it too!!!!!
Hope you're feeling ok today!!
Aurora0
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