well all HE*^*^ broke loose in a very strange way last night!

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ppm20wife
ppm20wife Member Posts: 44
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Well, I just posted the other day that my family was a mess with DH's dx (3 weeks now). I really appreciated all the support I received here...last night it all came out and it's really strange - I feel so much calmer and in control and if I do say so myself - I really held it together and was able to function! We were all just acting how we have been since the dx - denial denial denial...then we were all home and eating dinner and it was dead silent (Very unusual for our house - we are LOUD!) then my husband just starting crying really hard, got up left the table, the kids freaked and starting crying too...I kept it together went to dh and just sat there with him until he asked me to be alone ...I went downstairs to the kids...my two younger ones were nervous but calm and my 16 yr old son was a mess...they wanted to finally know the details, I told them calmly (have no idea how that happened)..the two little ones did the dishes and my older one went outside, I gave him a minute and went out. it broke my heart, he was balling his eyes out and just laid in my arms for over 20 minutes,then we talked and I told him the facts..he eventually calmed down but has been very quiet since then. Went back to hubby and he is still crying...this was scary - he NEVER cries and he never admits anything is wrong - he did talk a bit but not much - so I just sat there...he is still very depressed this morning. I have no idea why I feel like I am doing ok with this - I feel like I can do this....why? Is this a strange way to be? Crap - this is just the begininning...now what?

Comments

  • seanslove
    seanslove Member Posts: 70
    #2
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    I know the feeling.......
    I know where your coming from in wondering where the continued strength to deal comes from,as some days,like today,I wonder myself. My Sean is also a very strong man who never cries. He never lets me see more than one or two tears before he wipes them away and says ok. I know ok means move away and give him some space,when this is the last thing I want to do,but somehow go for a few. He always,within minutes is calling me back;he just needs to regroup.
    I can tell you,as he was diagnosised in May and starting chemo in two days,depression is a normal part of the process. Last week the doc's gave him Zoloft,which he took one,and said after the way it made him feel no more as it did nothing for his mood. Being a psych major and having some pharmacology training I had to agree.
    Yep,your right,this is just the beging,and I'm feeling that if I can deal with all the H**l he's seen thus far,the rest can't be any worse. All the tests which made him sick,all the drugs which doped him out of his mind or worse yet haven't worked,and everyone one elses two cents being thrown in,chemo should be a breeze.
    Hang in there,you are not alone,when faced with all of this it seems so overwhelming,but the one thing that will pull you both through is love.
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    #3
    Options
    Rock of Gibraltar
    Yes, I can really feel for you -
    My mother-in-law does not know she has cancer (keeping it from her to keep her hopeful) but my husband is having a hard time coming to grips with the seriousness of the situation.

    But he, too, has had his bawling moments - sometimes while he is driving which I absolutely hate.

    I have to be strong for him to help him do what needs to be done. Sometimes it is hard for me because I will get to feeling like I just want to exhale and let it go - just once - so I can pick up and keep going.

    I guess it is not my turn, yet.

    I have to be my husband's "Rock of Gibraltar".

    You really are much stronger than you believe you are. One day at a time.

    Fatima
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #4
    Options
    A good thing
    This is really a good thing. Perhaps it is not something to be celebrated today, but somewhere down the road you will recognize that opening up as it appears has happened will have been good for everyone.

    In the meantime, what you have on your plate is the entire full course meal, I'm afraid.

    To begin with, as another respondent suggests, it sounds as thought your husband in the midst of full-blown depression. This is not abnormal (as was also suggested), but it is something to be taken seriously. You and your husband should probably meet with your doctors, the one you are most comfortable with, and talk about this. The idea that popping pills for a brief period of time will cure something like this is, in my opinion, ridiculous.

    At the risk (actually, the certainty) of repeating myself, consider that being advised that you have cancer is akin to being told you have been given a death sentence. Even though it may not be true, especially today, we are conditioned to equate cancer with death. I firmly believe that a form of post traumatic stress disorder may result for some folks from the very announcement, to say nothing of the effects of subsequent treatment, including surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.

    Further, any study of grief will conclude that denial and depression are among the stages (along with acceptance, and other good things down the road and by that I don't mean acceptance of one's fate, but acceptance of the diagnosis).

    So, you have hub's denial licked, a good thing. Now there is the depression, but it pervades the entire family, which is probably not used to seeing dad cry. As you express yourself, they are each handling this in their own way, probably none of them totally acceptable in terms of their own mental health (or yours).

    I would advise that for hub, concentrating on him for the moment, that he seek professional therapy if his depressive actions continue. It does not make him less a man or any such nonsense, and will make him feel a heckuva lot better than he does now. They will probably suggest an anti-depressant, and I am all for that, but do not expect the meds to work overnight. They generally build up their effectiveness over time. In the mean time, when used in conjunction with therapy, I think the positive impact is compounded.

    This does mean cutting out alcohol consumption if that is part of the current equation. Drinking and depression are best friends, one supporting the other through thick and thin.

    That is a suggestion based on your post. It is hopeful that he will move past this stage on his own, although there are any number of survivors who will attest that the depression lingers, sometimes even long after good news is received.

    Some folks on these boards also suggest that the kids receive grief counseling. It is not a bad idea, but I think most people tend to avoid this, afraid, probably, of stigmatizing their children. I just throw that out there. I add, though, that you should give your kids some extra attention these next several weeks, especially the 16 year old, who is at a prime age for reacting in a negative way he may regret for a long time.

    Just saying.

    And then there is you. As I advised in a previous response to one of your posts, you MUST take good care of the caregiver. If this means you need someone to talk to on a professional basis, so be it. If this means you need to talk to your family doctor about anti-anxiety medications for you, so be it.

    It certainly means that you need to not feel guilty about getting away from it once or twice a week, sharing lunch with girlfriends, a movie, whatever. You will be a better caregiver if you are a sound and healthy caregiver. You do a disservice not only to yourself but to your entire family if you choose to circle the wagons, so to speak, yourself firmly entrenched inside of them: you need to make time for yourself.

    Frankly, comparing your two posts that I have read, I find reason for much hope in this one. The dam has been broken, as you certainly recognize. Build on this progress, my friend. It is now out in the open, as you say. That is a good thing, a very good thing.

    Best wishes to your husband and his entire family.

    Take care,

    Joe
  • ppm20wife
    ppm20wife Member Posts: 44
    #5
    Options
    soccerfreaks said:

    A good thing
    This is really a good thing. Perhaps it is not something to be celebrated today, but somewhere down the road you will recognize that opening up as it appears has happened will have been good for everyone.

    In the meantime, what you have on your plate is the entire full course meal, I'm afraid.

    To begin with, as another respondent suggests, it sounds as thought your husband in the midst of full-blown depression. This is not abnormal (as was also suggested), but it is something to be taken seriously. You and your husband should probably meet with your doctors, the one you are most comfortable with, and talk about this. The idea that popping pills for a brief period of time will cure something like this is, in my opinion, ridiculous.

    At the risk (actually, the certainty) of repeating myself, consider that being advised that you have cancer is akin to being told you have been given a death sentence. Even though it may not be true, especially today, we are conditioned to equate cancer with death. I firmly believe that a form of post traumatic stress disorder may result for some folks from the very announcement, to say nothing of the effects of subsequent treatment, including surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.

    Further, any study of grief will conclude that denial and depression are among the stages (along with acceptance, and other good things down the road and by that I don't mean acceptance of one's fate, but acceptance of the diagnosis).

    So, you have hub's denial licked, a good thing. Now there is the depression, but it pervades the entire family, which is probably not used to seeing dad cry. As you express yourself, they are each handling this in their own way, probably none of them totally acceptable in terms of their own mental health (or yours).

    I would advise that for hub, concentrating on him for the moment, that he seek professional therapy if his depressive actions continue. It does not make him less a man or any such nonsense, and will make him feel a heckuva lot better than he does now. They will probably suggest an anti-depressant, and I am all for that, but do not expect the meds to work overnight. They generally build up their effectiveness over time. In the mean time, when used in conjunction with therapy, I think the positive impact is compounded.

    This does mean cutting out alcohol consumption if that is part of the current equation. Drinking and depression are best friends, one supporting the other through thick and thin.

    That is a suggestion based on your post. It is hopeful that he will move past this stage on his own, although there are any number of survivors who will attest that the depression lingers, sometimes even long after good news is received.

    Some folks on these boards also suggest that the kids receive grief counseling. It is not a bad idea, but I think most people tend to avoid this, afraid, probably, of stigmatizing their children. I just throw that out there. I add, though, that you should give your kids some extra attention these next several weeks, especially the 16 year old, who is at a prime age for reacting in a negative way he may regret for a long time.

    Just saying.

    And then there is you. As I advised in a previous response to one of your posts, you MUST take good care of the caregiver. If this means you need someone to talk to on a professional basis, so be it. If this means you need to talk to your family doctor about anti-anxiety medications for you, so be it.

    It certainly means that you need to not feel guilty about getting away from it once or twice a week, sharing lunch with girlfriends, a movie, whatever. You will be a better caregiver if you are a sound and healthy caregiver. You do a disservice not only to yourself but to your entire family if you choose to circle the wagons, so to speak, yourself firmly entrenched inside of them: you need to make time for yourself.

    Frankly, comparing your two posts that I have read, I find reason for much hope in this one. The dam has been broken, as you certainly recognize. Build on this progress, my friend. It is now out in the open, as you say. That is a good thing, a very good thing.

    Best wishes to your husband and his entire family.

    Take care,

    Joe

    Thanks again - once again I
    Thanks again - once again I don't think I am crazy or doing something wrong after I read your support....just in time - the retest of the CEA Marker results are back today ...let's see what today brings. I hope everyone has a good day,,,
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #6
    Options
    soccerfreaks said:

    A good thing
    This is really a good thing. Perhaps it is not something to be celebrated today, but somewhere down the road you will recognize that opening up as it appears has happened will have been good for everyone.

    In the meantime, what you have on your plate is the entire full course meal, I'm afraid.

    To begin with, as another respondent suggests, it sounds as thought your husband in the midst of full-blown depression. This is not abnormal (as was also suggested), but it is something to be taken seriously. You and your husband should probably meet with your doctors, the one you are most comfortable with, and talk about this. The idea that popping pills for a brief period of time will cure something like this is, in my opinion, ridiculous.

    At the risk (actually, the certainty) of repeating myself, consider that being advised that you have cancer is akin to being told you have been given a death sentence. Even though it may not be true, especially today, we are conditioned to equate cancer with death. I firmly believe that a form of post traumatic stress disorder may result for some folks from the very announcement, to say nothing of the effects of subsequent treatment, including surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.

    Further, any study of grief will conclude that denial and depression are among the stages (along with acceptance, and other good things down the road and by that I don't mean acceptance of one's fate, but acceptance of the diagnosis).

    So, you have hub's denial licked, a good thing. Now there is the depression, but it pervades the entire family, which is probably not used to seeing dad cry. As you express yourself, they are each handling this in their own way, probably none of them totally acceptable in terms of their own mental health (or yours).

    I would advise that for hub, concentrating on him for the moment, that he seek professional therapy if his depressive actions continue. It does not make him less a man or any such nonsense, and will make him feel a heckuva lot better than he does now. They will probably suggest an anti-depressant, and I am all for that, but do not expect the meds to work overnight. They generally build up their effectiveness over time. In the mean time, when used in conjunction with therapy, I think the positive impact is compounded.

    This does mean cutting out alcohol consumption if that is part of the current equation. Drinking and depression are best friends, one supporting the other through thick and thin.

    That is a suggestion based on your post. It is hopeful that he will move past this stage on his own, although there are any number of survivors who will attest that the depression lingers, sometimes even long after good news is received.

    Some folks on these boards also suggest that the kids receive grief counseling. It is not a bad idea, but I think most people tend to avoid this, afraid, probably, of stigmatizing their children. I just throw that out there. I add, though, that you should give your kids some extra attention these next several weeks, especially the 16 year old, who is at a prime age for reacting in a negative way he may regret for a long time.

    Just saying.

    And then there is you. As I advised in a previous response to one of your posts, you MUST take good care of the caregiver. If this means you need someone to talk to on a professional basis, so be it. If this means you need to talk to your family doctor about anti-anxiety medications for you, so be it.

    It certainly means that you need to not feel guilty about getting away from it once or twice a week, sharing lunch with girlfriends, a movie, whatever. You will be a better caregiver if you are a sound and healthy caregiver. You do a disservice not only to yourself but to your entire family if you choose to circle the wagons, so to speak, yourself firmly entrenched inside of them: you need to make time for yourself.

    Frankly, comparing your two posts that I have read, I find reason for much hope in this one. The dam has been broken, as you certainly recognize. Build on this progress, my friend. It is now out in the open, as you say. That is a good thing, a very good thing.

    Best wishes to your husband and his entire family.

    Take care,

    Joe

    here here!

    here here!

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