Feeling Depressed and Guilty

It's been 2 months since my Mom is with God..My Mommy was never told by the Doctor that she was dying.. he said that profesionally he is allowed to say when the patient asks..and my Mom didn't. He said as Dr. her must always give a ray of hope. When we got to the hospital she had 3 weeks left due to bowel obstruction but I (as only child)did not want her to suffer as she was with that tube through her nose without eating, with abdominal pain, vomiting, etc.. so I decided for her to have chemo and she lived 3 months instead. No wonderful 3 months..she was in bed,I got her out of the Hospital, she managed to be without the tube, evacuating, without vomiting and eating baby meals for a short while. She even got to come to my son's 2nd B-day and I took her out to eat 1 beatiful Sunny Saturday.. but again got worse. I feel very guilty for not telling her the truth.. what if she would have wanted to say a formal Goodbye to all her loved ones.. I feel I lied to her my Mom, my best friend...what if her decision would have been no more chemos and I put her through 4 more. What would have been less painful for her..to die in the hospital with the intestinal blockage or like she did at home of septisemia shock(blood infection and multi organ failure)?.. she said she had no pain just was very tired... she was on no pain killers just hydration and IV nutrition. But I saw her suffer other things, like 3 fevers with chills due to the infection cancer progression, 2 sever Allergic reactions to carboplat which was really working, but could be no more due to the reactions. I can't help but to remember things she said, like seeing no hope, feeling forgotten my God, worried about her "Future" with no money since all was coming out of her pocket. I also feel guilty that even though I was there for her every day I couldn't be there early as I wanted since at that time I had a 5 month old baby and my 2 year old son to take care of. I wish I could have been there 24 hrs a day. I miss her so much and at the end I told her with teers in my eyes how much I loved her, how much I would miss her, how much I thanked her for all her sacrifices, love, devotion, caring, patience. For being there for my graduations, my wedding, my babies births and their baptisms. I told her that I would be fine, that I wanted her to leave in peace and suffer no more, that she had done her mission and that that very day she would be in presence of God.. I hold her hand gently until the very end and told her that I would not let go until God himself had taken her hand... that she was so lucky to be on her way to Him and that I promised to be as half of a woman and a Mom as she was so that one day I could meet her in heaven. One feels that time was short that there was always more to do, say, live.. it's a bitter feeling although I try to stay calm for my little ones.. but a big part of me is now gone and will not be found until I go with our Lord as well.