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Lost my mom last night

natalyg
Posts: 6
Joined: Jun 2009

My mom passed away last night after short, albeit brutal, battle with a very aggressive brain tumor (Glioblastoma Multiforme)

My mom was diagnosed on April 16th of this year, and from that moment on I dedicated every single day of my life to being her full-time caregiver. It was soooo difficult and frustrating at times, but I loved it and I don't know what to do now that she's gone. I feel so lost.

I'm still in shock. There are so many emotions running through my head right now, yet I can't pick a single one to feel.

I haven't even begun to miss her yet because I still don't think it's hit me that she's actually gone. I'm 24 years old and though I'm not a child anymore, I still need her.

I'm just glad she's not suffering any more, that's she's in a place where the cancer can't hurt her, and that she is surrounded by Love.

Her journey with us has ended, ours without her has just begun...

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mom.
I am glad that you got to spend the time with her. I am sure there are lots of intimate moments you shared that will bring you joy when remembering them later.

shirley_l
Posts: 9
Joined: May 2009

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. My husband is currently battling the same thing. He was diagnosed on April 23rd, just has had about 18 days of chemo, and is going to start radiation today for 30 days. I hope you dont mind me asking if your Mom had any treatment at all? My husbands is inoperable. Very deep in the brain and large. Also has invaded the thalmus on both sides. I am so worried about all of this. Again, you have my sympathy. I know what you went through.

natalyg
Posts: 6
Joined: Jun 2009

I wish your husband and you the best of luck! My mom did have treatment, 6 weeks of radiation (given 5 days a week) along with chemo, but it was right around the last week of radiation, the doctors already knew the treatment wasn't working. My mom's tumor was also too deep in the brain to operate and the doctor's said her tumor was huge (about the size of an adult hand), growing very aggressively, and causing a shift in the midline (still not too clear what that meant). I learned much later that the doctor never expected my mom to survive more than 2 weeks after diagnosis, but she held on for 2 and a half months!

I will be praying for you and your husband! Stay strong, support him as much as you can (and take care of yourself, too!) Everyone responds to treatment differently, so there is always hope! never ever give up. I wish you the best and if possible, please keep me updated on how your husband is doing.

DaddysGirl09
Posts: 2
Joined: Jul 2009

I lost my dad to cancer a few weeks ago. I can really relate to what you wrote. I'm 29 and not a child anymore either, but I still need my Daddy. It's hard for me to really miss him because I can't believe that he's gone. He didn't even have cancer that long (that we know of). He went to the hospital, was there about 10 days, came home with me for 2 days, then we went to a different hospital for his first chemo treatment. He got the treatment that night and we left about 12:30 at night, came back to visit him the next day and he was gone.

Like you I am still in shock. There are so many emotions I don't even know what to feel. Like you, I'm glad he's not suffering anymore. He seemed so miserable the last two weeks. That last night he was getting his first chemo treatment and he seemed better then he had since this whole thing started. He finally seemed like himself that night and was joking around and happy. We were all glad that he was finally getting treatment and we were on our way to beating this. I just don't understand how this could happen. I really thought we were going to beat this. When I found out he had cancer I knew it was bad and I was worried about him but I never thought he would die. He was supposed to come home and live with us and I was going to take care of him until he got better. He had to have a very aggressive type of chemo and the doctor said it would be a "long hard road." I was not even that worried about it because he was getting treatment and were just going to do whatever it took to get better. He was supposed to get better. I was looking forward to taking care of him. I was excited that he was going to come live with us (us being me and my husband). We even planned on getting him a new bed for his new room and I picked out a nice bedding set for him. We were going to look into moving closer to Boston because that is where he'd be getting his treatment. It just never even occured to me that he wouldn't make it, especially that it would be the treatment that actually killed him (not that he would have lived very long at all without the treatment because he had a very aggressive cancer). My dad and I were very close and I just don't know what I'll do without him.

marc24
Posts: 92
Joined: Mar 2009

im also 24, i lost my mom two weeks ago with a 4 month battle, she was diagnosed with stage iv colon cancer with liver metastasis on march 24th only...i know we arent kids anymore, but im not gonna lie, i feel devastated everytime i see something that reminds me of her, but we also share the same outlook, i was her "part-time" caregiver, as my stepdad also stepped in...i saw her in pain 24/7 for about a month and a half and i felt frustrated because i couldnt do anything else since i am not a doctor nor anyone who can cure her....she was taking pain meds every 4 hrs, waking up in the middle of the night...i heard her moans and pains everyday and it was tough for her and for all of us...now she is gone and i feel terrible, but also know she is in a much better place now since no one in this earth deserves to live in pain/suffering as much as she had and you probably feel the same. The only thing we can do now is look forward...as for me, i know im not a kid anymore, but u know 24 is just only a few years ago when i was in college, and a few years ago when i was in high school, and on and on...so its really tough because technically we are still too young to experience this...i literally saw my mom take her last breathe in front of me and it was the toughest thing to do...i was even asked by the doc to see if my mom should continually put in life support as my stepdad and brother couldnt make the decision...toughest question ever period...so the only thing i can think of that will share this much pain is if i lose my future wife or future kids...but i dont have that right now so i feel alone...i dunno if u have a family yet or not, but there are alot of us out her similar situations learning how to cope with this and we have to just think our parents are in a better situation to keep my sanity....i hope everything goes well and actually i was going to post and ask if anyone out there was 24 yrs old and had to deal with a loss, but i guess i didnt have to since CANCER affects everyone. I hope this disease will be cured sooner rather than later.

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Your posts share a wisdom that is not usually found in someone as young as you are. I think cancer is the great equalizer, it makes us too aware of everything and just what are the important things in life. I am sure your Mom is just beaming with pride over you.

Marc, I wish you well in your journey...hugs, Cindy

gtracecar
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2009

IM not 24 but I would like to think it hurts at any age.37.As much as I miss her she is not in pain anymore.And I am glad I found this sight so things that I feel can get out with people that understand my family has kind of strayed away from each other.I have a friend that I talk to but she still has her parents and sometimes I feel like my girl feels sorry for me so I kinda don't talk to her about all of my feelings.Anyone who wants too talk with same thing feel free I know I could use the support 480-5454

gtracecar
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2009

I just went through the same thing,my mom went in for a back ache and the next thing she turned into skin and bones.That was the worst thing I have ever went through!I watched her take her last breath and the was the hardest thing I have ever delt with.I will not lie that was on April 1rst.I was so lost at first then I got mad at her!Then I found out her and my step dad played it down for us kids.She pushed us away for awhile.Then she had us come to hospital too see her so she could say her goodbyes cuzs she new it was her last day!Sorry if spelling bad still hurting,but it does get better bro.I am 37 she was 52 and a strong women.I never thought in a million years she would go like that and so fast it took 4 months.I have good days and some days I don't talk to anyone.Best thing you can do is talk to someone about what you are feeling it is working for me,I also bought an old boat to fix up to keep my mind busy but not to forget her she was my best friend and I miss her everyday and I will the rest of my life.I still want to call her and tell her about my day but that is hard cuz i can't.I did loose my job over it but got a new one.If you need someone to talk with call me 480-5454 just leave a message and I will call back friend.I still cry from time to time.If you do that makes you human and its ok.My girl lets me and stays out of my way till I need a hug.Just don't go be alone for too long its not good I have my along time to deel with it but had problems when I was gong too long.K bud sorry so long just want too help.I am still a mess but working on it.I'm just glad I have a good woman by my side to help and they met just once.we will get through it just keep busy.

Mark402
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2009

Your last four sentences summed it up, and probably still ring true two months later.

My mother passed at 2:05am on July 12th gracefully in her sleep from primary malignant heart cancer - extremely rare. She was diagnosed on May 13th with a cardiac sarcoma (synovial, poorly differentiated) growing from the right side of her heart.

This happened so quick, but we were able to tell her we love her and she responded with the same. She wasn't defeated, fought hard, never cried (amazing), and simply said "We tried. We did everything we could do."

This upcoming Saturday will mark two months since she passed. We will be on vacation, a vacation she was to be joining us on. It will unquestionably be bitter, yet that journey we take without her must continue as she would have demanded.

What gets me is that if I ever have children they will never get to be loved by her.

Peace be with you.

natalyg
Posts: 6
Joined: Jun 2009

I'm so sorry for your loss Mark402. Wow, I can't believe it's already been 2 months! Where has the time gone? Your mom's respond to cancer sounds so similar to my mom's. What incredible, brave, strong, loving mother's we had. I miss her so much. It strange, I might miss her more now than I did at the beginning.

What you said about one day having children that will never be loved by her, you took the words right out of my mouth. I think about that a lot and it's so heartbreaking. I'm no where near having children any time soon, but my mom always talked about how much she was going to love her grandchildren. All I can do now is tell them how much they were loved by her before they were even born.

I really hope your vacation went well. I'm sure it was difficult, but you are so right, the journey has to continue. I wish you all the best on yours.

membermeg's picture
membermeg
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

I am just wondering if you are still on here? I lost my mother that month and we are around the same age. I find it hard to find someone younger who has lost a mother.

cindel
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2010

At any age you never know how you will feel when the end is there. My mother was diagnosed with Glioblastoma multeforme on November 23. On the 22nd of November we were at her house and she was fine. I had told myself that I would not be selfish and I would be able to let her go in the end. To everyone else that is what I did. As she took her last breath I smile and told her good-bye and kiss my dad when she saw him. To this day I have cried a total of 3 times. I just can't seem to make myself go through that emotion yet. I know she is in a better place, but from diagnosis to death it was only 2 months and 5 days. She went from totally independent and being a caregiver to an elderly family member to totally dependant in one day. I miss her, I told her to go in the end, but now I just want to beg her to come back for one day so that I can tell her I love her one more time and see her smile at me and tell me I know you do baby. I am so sorry for going on and on, but I am not dealing with all of this very well. Please let me know how you have gotten through or any coping help you can give me.

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grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

My husband died in Oct., 2009. I think the thing that gets me through is allowing myself to grieve. I have learned that sometimes the smallest thing will send me into a tailspin, and I have learned to just accept that. There is no time limit and there is no right way to grieve. No one else is you and no one else feels exactly as you do. It also helps to come here and share your feelings. Knowing that our loved ones are no longer in pain gives us some comfort, but it doesn't change our loss. It doesn't bring them back where we can hug them or hold their hand. We will forever feel that loss. It is a part of our new normal. Your mother would be very proud of you. She would understand your grief and your love. Take care, Fay

elvyra00
Posts: 8
Joined: May 2010

Diagnosed just 3 weeks ago with Glioblastoma. I have no idea where I am going to get the courage to deal with my mother's passing. This is such a totally devastating nightmare. She is going to proceed with radiation next week and a small dose chemotherapy. She has no speech but can communicate by writing and understands what we say most of the time.She will never be the same again and that breaks my heart

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

In many ways you have already started grieving for your mother. Your mother and your relationship with her has already changed. In our lifetime we grieve for many things. Death is only one of those. You will find the strength you need when your mother's death does come, but for now you are grieving the changes in your life. It's not easy being a caregiver. Take care, Fay

elvyra00
Posts: 8
Joined: May 2010

No one on this earth understands until you have been through it. My journey has just begun feb 2010.

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