Spouse having trouble dealing with your diagnosis?
Comments
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My husband was and is the
My husband was and is the same way. Right now I am going through reconstuction. During the bulk of my treatment he was supportive but not attentive. We have always lived very independent lives together but I was hoping to learn a little more about his thoughts on my bc. I think men like to try to fix things but this is one thing that they can not.
Post treatment for me has not been very easy. It is an adjustment. I'm trying to get my life back while still being a wife, daughter, and work 50 hours a week. I just don't have the same energy levels. My husband just doesn't understand it, for him its over.
Trish0 -
survivor,
I feel the same way about mine sometimes. He is getting better-he understands now about my fear of recurrence sometimes,and he goes with me to my cancer support meetings(and wants to be there).
I remember our first real talk after I had been diagnosed when he said that he just wanted to fix it,but knew that he couldn't.And he didn't really show his true feelings in front of me,but he would take it to work and the other guys saw it-how scared he was.
I don't know about your situation,but maybe he is having a tough time with it also and is trying not to let it show in front of you.
I hope that it gets better for you both!
Patty0 -
Not trouble accepting...
My husband is not having trouble accepting that I have BC but rather trouble of how to deal with it. The night I was diagnosed, he broke down, telling me how much he loved me & didn't want to lose me. He has been wonderful being right by my side with every appointment and doing everything around the house. What he can't seem to do is talk to me about it. Like yours, he listens, but has very little to no imput or feedback. The only thing he wants to concentrate on is the next appointment and when we need to be there. He only knows what the doctor's tell us. I did get him "The Cancer Surviver's Husband" but it hasn't arrived yet. My understanding is that it is a very good book for husbands. I'm hoping he will read it. He is not much of a reader, so I will just leave it out for him and see what happens.
Pammy 0 -
My HusbandAkiss4me said:Not trouble accepting...
My husband is not having trouble accepting that I have BC but rather trouble of how to deal with it. The night I was diagnosed, he broke down, telling me how much he loved me & didn't want to lose me. He has been wonderful being right by my side with every appointment and doing everything around the house. What he can't seem to do is talk to me about it. Like yours, he listens, but has very little to no imput or feedback. The only thing he wants to concentrate on is the next appointment and when we need to be there. He only knows what the doctor's tell us. I did get him "The Cancer Surviver's Husband" but it hasn't arrived yet. My understanding is that it is a very good book for husbands. I'm hoping he will read it. He is not much of a reader, so I will just leave it out for him and see what happens. Pammy
Was a complete swine........He told me I deserved to have cancer because my family were Heathens....They don't hold hands, say grace or go to church..(Like he does?????) The night before my first chemo, he told me it isn't worth going, it wouldn't work........This was at 3 am. He had more of a problem with it than I did, I hope your predicament is better than mine.
Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx0 -
I'd say histasha_111 said:My Husband
Was a complete swine........He told me I deserved to have cancer because my family were Heathens....They don't hold hands, say grace or go to church..(Like he does?????) The night before my first chemo, he told me it isn't worth going, it wouldn't work........This was at 3 am. He had more of a problem with it than I did, I hope your predicament is better than mine.
Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
attitude toward you wasn't very Godly for him! Nobody "deserves" to have cancer!0 -
I agree outdoorgirl!outdoorgirl said:I'd say his
attitude toward you wasn't very Godly for him! Nobody "deserves" to have cancer!
I'm very sorry tasha, that ANYONE would say that to you! Most especially someone so close to you.
My husband was very supportive...in fact when I would get scared out of my wits or discouraged, he was my biggest cheerleader and he was a rock for me.
However, once I finished my last rad, he was of the mind that it's over now, and we should all be back to normal...whatever that is. I still don't think I'm back to pre-cancer strength.
CR0 -
I would suggest getting the
I would suggest getting the book suggested in the post above. Maybe print off some of these posts, and trying to get involved in a support group so that he can hear how it is for other survivors and their families. I think it is "normal" to take time to adjust to the "new you". I know when I was first diagnosed I had in mind that we would do surgery, chemo, and it would all be over, like taking antibiotics for a sore throat, or something. It is 2 years later and I am just starting reconstruction tomorrow. The reconstruction process is going to take another 6 months to finish up (bilateral DIEP procedure). I think being a cancer survivor is not like getting sick, taking meds, and getting well, it is more like a new state of being. You are still the same person and absolutely can live and be well, but you are forever changed in many ways.
That's my take on it, for what it's worth. seof0 -
Awwwwwww Tashatasha_111 said:My Husband
Was a complete swine........He told me I deserved to have cancer because my family were Heathens....They don't hold hands, say grace or go to church..(Like he does?????) The night before my first chemo, he told me it isn't worth going, it wouldn't work........This was at 3 am. He had more of a problem with it than I did, I hope your predicament is better than mine.
Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
That's so wrong for him to say something so mean like that to you, you have such a great personality, it sounds like he doesn't deserve you .........
As for my guy I don't think it's really hit him yet, and that he really hasn't got a clue as to whats in store for the next several months. He went to the surgeon's appt with me, but he was full of nothing but wise cracks and jokes. Maybe it's just his way of dealing with this. or maybe he thinks if he can make me laugh, that everything will be okay. Who knows, I guess we'll see as time goes on.
One things for sure I know I'm suck with him..........:)0 -
Oh my goodness...TrishyG said:My husband was and is the
My husband was and is the same way. Right now I am going through reconstuction. During the bulk of my treatment he was supportive but not attentive. We have always lived very independent lives together but I was hoping to learn a little more about his thoughts on my bc. I think men like to try to fix things but this is one thing that they can not.
Post treatment for me has not been very easy. It is an adjustment. I'm trying to get my life back while still being a wife, daughter, and work 50 hours a week. I just don't have the same energy levels. My husband just doesn't understand it, for him its over.
Trish
I feel the same way. At the beginning of it all, my boyfriend felt that I got off easy...I guess because it was caught kind of early and I wasn't going to die like "now". He thought I was overreating and I shouldn't be on this site talking about my personal business. And now since I'm done with chemo, he feels that everything is over. He also thinks that the doctors were extreme because I had to go through chemo and now radiation...I asked him who has the M.D. behind their name. MEN!?!?!0 -
Cr,CR1954 said:I agree outdoorgirl!
I'm very sorry tasha, that ANYONE would say that to you! Most especially someone so close to you.
My husband was very supportive...in fact when I would get scared out of my wits or discouraged, he was my biggest cheerleader and he was a rock for me.
However, once I finished my last rad, he was of the mind that it's over now, and we should all be back to normal...whatever that is. I still don't think I'm back to pre-cancer strength.
CR
I think that people who haven't been through it(and even some that have)want to just sweep it under the rug when treatments are over for someone. They would rather just leave it behind and they don't want to talk about it anymore. And they expect(at least the ones who haven't been through it)for life to go on how it was before.
And they look at you and see how healthy you look,and think,"You're okay now,lets move on".That really irks me sometimes! I mean ,yes,we go on with our lives and we want to move on,but if you really look at the big picture-life is never going to be the same as it was before,you've looked death in the eye...0 -
Mars and Venus
As always, I apologize to those Warrior-Sisters who have heard this before, and of course, especially to those who may be slighted by my generalization~ I mean absolutely NO disrespect.
So~ in a nutshell, "Women Nurture, and Men Fix"~ and when men can't fix, as in fixing our BC, oftentimes they abdicate, get angry, and sometimes they actually leave. And even the wonderful men out there who are ultra-supportive, many of them also don't "get it". They see us through many things related to our diagnosis, and may be there for us in ways which are important. But more often than not, they really want us to Get Over It, and be not just cancer-free, but The Woman We Were Before. We do have lives after cancer, and they can indeed be vibrant, and active, both emotionally, sexually, indeed in all ways. But that meeting of the minds doesn't always happen in ways we both envision.
And why? Simply stated, men are just different from us! I know that sounds rather silly, and it never excuses bad behaviour, but perhaps it puts things into a manageable perspective.
I hope this helps, if even a little bit...
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
OMGtasha_111 said:My Husband
Was a complete swine........He told me I deserved to have cancer because my family were Heathens....They don't hold hands, say grace or go to church..(Like he does?????) The night before my first chemo, he told me it isn't worth going, it wouldn't work........This was at 3 am. He had more of a problem with it than I did, I hope your predicament is better than mine.
Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tasha, I am so sorry. That is a horrible thing for him to say to you.
I think our husband's just don't know what to say or do at times. They now have to actually face the fact that we have been diagnosed with a deadly disease. And, that scares them, rightfully so. My husband has been a rock for me and there for me for every doctor visit, every radiation treatment, supporting me and being strong for me when I start to weaken. I don't know what I would have done without him, and, we have been thru this twice together.
I guess my advice for the bc survivors that husbands won't really talk about it yet, is to try and get them to sit down with you to discuss it. Don't try to get everything all out at one sitting, but, just open it up and tell them how much you need for them to discuss with you how they are feeling. And, be prepared if they cry. I think that is partly why they won't open up, they don't want for us to see them cry.
Love, Jeanne0 -
Not dealing
I think this is all too commmon, survivorbc09. Our loved ones are going through their own drama, feelings, and fears and often don't react the way we want them to. For some it is easier to avoid, for others to blame, and for still others to joke their way through it. If they feel very frightened or out of control they may not share those feelings with you because they don't want to further burden you. They might try to be strong but end up being distant or dismissive instead. Then the communication breaks down and a vicious cycle begins.
Although my husband has been a great support, there are still times I wish he would react differently. The fact of my diagnosis didn't hit him for a full six months. Then he became despondant. Sometimes he's absent when I need him. He has not done a lick of research into my diagnosis and only knows what I tell him. Sometimes he spends hours playing computer games rather than talking with me or taking an interest when I need him. This kind of thing can build up restentment, and that's not what you want.
Getting the book Pammy referenced is a good step. After he reads it, a conversation is probably in order. I should take my own advice! Good luck.
Mimi0 -
Maybe your husband is afraid
Maybe your husband is afraid and doesn't want you to know it. It is like when someone has died and you just don't know what the right words are to say to them. Everyone says "we are sorry for your loss" but what then. So you try to avoid them.
My husband has been really great. He has read all the phamplets that have been given to us. He ask the doctor more questions than I do. He was with me for most of my chemo treatments and felt bad when he couldn't be there but he always made sure someone else in my family was with me. When I have emotional meltdowns he is there to hold me and tell me he loves me and that everything is going to be alright. He will tell me we will get through this and you know what he is right!
You say when you talk to him he listens what else do you want him to do? Maybe you should tell him what you need him to do. Tell him how you feel when he doesn't ......
Just some thoughts.0 -
still in denial
My hubbie tried hard at first going through chemo with me and things. But now when i am up here going through rads (alone, except when my daughter was here) he thinks i am healed when I get down He tells me in a condescending voice that I am NOT dying, so I should start moving on! I am in pain and burned to a crisp but thinks it's soon to be over and he hasn't missed a "Happy Hour" since I have been gone! He has moved on. He says he has to get away from it. I told him if it was him going through this I would not be treating him this way. He said if it was him going through it he would not get treatment or put anyone through it!
This has really hurt me. I was furious and called him a woose (sp?) for not even wanting to fight for his own life! Things have changed with us, and it makes me really sad. My kids are pissed at the way he is acting also. But then they are not his children. My kid's dad dyed needing a heart transplant yeas ago.
Well I layed it all out there what do you all think?
hugs, jackie0 -
jaavon,jaavon2002 said:Oh my goodness...
I feel the same way. At the beginning of it all, my boyfriend felt that I got off easy...I guess because it was caught kind of early and I wasn't going to die like "now". He thought I was overreating and I shouldn't be on this site talking about my personal business. And now since I'm done with chemo, he feels that everything is over. He also thinks that the doctors were extreme because I had to go through chemo and now radiation...I asked him who has the M.D. behind their name. MEN!?!?!
I'm sorry,but how did you get off easy? Being diagnosed with cancer and hearing those words is never "getting off easy"-it doesn't matter what stage you were at!!0 -
I don't want to write what Irjjj said:still in denial
My hubbie tried hard at first going through chemo with me and things. But now when i am up here going through rads (alone, except when my daughter was here) he thinks i am healed when I get down He tells me in a condescending voice that I am NOT dying, so I should start moving on! I am in pain and burned to a crisp but thinks it's soon to be over and he hasn't missed a "Happy Hour" since I have been gone! He has moved on. He says he has to get away from it. I told him if it was him going through this I would not be treating him this way. He said if it was him going through it he would not get treatment or put anyone through it!
This has really hurt me. I was furious and called him a woose (sp?) for not even wanting to fight for his own life! Things have changed with us, and it makes me really sad. My kids are pissed at the way he is acting also. But then they are not his children. My kid's dad dyed needing a heart transplant yeas ago.
Well I layed it all out there what do you all think?
hugs, jackie
I don't want to write what I really think Jackie. But, I am sorry for you. You should not be treated like that, especially from your husband. When your spouse is diagnosed with cancer and going thru treatments, the other spouse needs to put their own needs away and put the spouse with cancer as number one in everything! I just don't understand how someone can treat you this way Jackie. So sorry0 -
Jackierjjj said:still in denial
My hubbie tried hard at first going through chemo with me and things. But now when i am up here going through rads (alone, except when my daughter was here) he thinks i am healed when I get down He tells me in a condescending voice that I am NOT dying, so I should start moving on! I am in pain and burned to a crisp but thinks it's soon to be over and he hasn't missed a "Happy Hour" since I have been gone! He has moved on. He says he has to get away from it. I told him if it was him going through this I would not be treating him this way. He said if it was him going through it he would not get treatment or put anyone through it!
This has really hurt me. I was furious and called him a woose (sp?) for not even wanting to fight for his own life! Things have changed with us, and it makes me really sad. My kids are pissed at the way he is acting also. But then they are not his children. My kid's dad dyed needing a heart transplant yeas ago.
Well I layed it all out there what do you all think?
hugs, jackie
We must be twins. Your Daughter is Beautiful! My son is handsome. We are both married to denial experts!
The afternoon I finished chemo he went at me..........."OK......Now your treatments are done, when are you going to get a job?.....Or move back to England?"
I was devestated by his attitude. I had my last Rads Treatment and sat in floods of tears on the front balcony.......for like 5 hours.
He was horrible. He is still being horrible.........I think I have just about had enough of his abuse. I'll keep ya posted........
Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx0 -
Yeah I know!tasha_111 said:Jackie
We must be twins. Your Daughter is Beautiful! My son is handsome. We are both married to denial experts!
The afternoon I finished chemo he went at me..........."OK......Now your treatments are done, when are you going to get a job?.....Or move back to England?"
I was devestated by his attitude. I had my last Rads Treatment and sat in floods of tears on the front balcony.......for like 5 hours.
He was horrible. He is still being horrible.........I think I have just about had enough of his abuse. I'll keep ya posted........
Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Everyone keeps saying we need to be around uplifting people that keep our spirits up. and I do find them everywhere (especially here) except at home anymore. Mine was actually jealous of my kids last weekend and pouted the whole time they were there. And because they were (and always are) so sweet to me he said "Gawd they act like you are dying or something" well, I'm sure they are a little frightened, after what happened to their dad, and need comfort and love also! and a little compassion!
I am also wondering if I would be happier without him.
love, jackie0 -
Minerjjj said:Yeah I know!
Everyone keeps saying we need to be around uplifting people that keep our spirits up. and I do find them everywhere (especially here) except at home anymore. Mine was actually jealous of my kids last weekend and pouted the whole time they were there. And because they were (and always are) so sweet to me he said "Gawd they act like you are dying or something" well, I'm sure they are a little frightened, after what happened to their dad, and need comfort and love also! and a little compassion!
I am also wondering if I would be happier without him.
love, jackie
Is so totally jealous of having my son in the house.............0
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