Jun 14, 2009 - 8:18 pm
My name's Melissa, I'm 28 and live on Long Island. I was searching for actual caregiver support groups when I came across this forum.. I lost my father 3 years ago this August to lung cancer. He was 56.
I just can't seem to get past all the memories I have good ones and ones of him sick. In these last three years I've made some major changes, had some great accomplishments in my life, and all I feel is that I wish he were here to see it. I know some people will say his spirit's watching and to some degree I know he's around but it doesn't comfort me at all.
The result of the pain I feel at losing him has caused me have some emotional detachment to those I love, all because I dont think i could bear to have to care for and lose my mother or my husband if when that ever happens.
When my dad was diagnosed i was 23, and the day they told me i think it shattered my heart. I knew were in for a fight, the fight for his life. He had his lung removed in may of 2005, I took a leave of absence from work for 3 months to help him recuperate so my mom could also work during the day. Towards the end of the summer he still wasnt able to eat even though they only did one round of chemo and stopped. He started to vomit some clear fluid, and we went back to the hospital. Shortly after that they decided to do a broncoscopy, during the procedure he had respiratory trouble and had to intubate. Me and my mother were told that they recommended my father be put in a medically induced coma. When they had done the original surgery they had grafted a piece of muscle onto the stub of the bronchial tube. The chemo lowered his immune system enough that he got a fungal infection in his empty chest cavity which ate away the muscle they grafted.
Over the next two weeks they did surgery repaired the open hole on the bronchial stub, only to have pressure from the respirator blow it off. The tube kept moving in his lung and we were told that when they pulled it out to reposition it, if the tissue swelled that was it for him. They changed it 6 times. They then had a trach tube put in and re did the surgery. This was September. They kept him in a coma for 24 days.
my mom, me and my fiance (now my husband) were at the hospital everyday. We would take different shifts (he was in ICU). There were nights i would just sit in the dark by his bed with everything beeping around him and just cry and cry.
After the 24 days they felt the surgery had enough time to heal that they would start reversing the effects of the coma. By the time he had really started to wake up and was aware, we had filled his room with letters and colored drawings- the wall of hope we called it-, decorated it for the fall. it makes me smile to remember when he woke and saw the decorations that he though it was Thanksgiving and told us to go home and have turkey.
Daily we'd have to explain what happened to him. as he healed at one point we received a phone call at night telling us he had a high fever and would probably become septic by morning. They said he had 36 hours. That next day my mom left very early to go to the hospital, i slept late because i almost couldnt bear to go. after she returned home i left to get gas and on the way i started crying so hard i couldnt see and just went right home to my mom and asked her to go with me. i couldnt face my dad, how could i go in there with a smile when i knew he was dying?
but when i walked in his room later he was sitting up in bed and gave us the most heartwarming smile, just a i'm-happy-your-here smile. i told my mom later in the cafeteria that ui couldnt believe he was dying, he looked so good. My mom told me later that in the waiting room she had prayed for a miracle. Her prayers were heard. The next day everything was gone the fever the sepsis the blood infection.. just gone..
they called him the miracle man, they never expected him to live. he walked out of the hospital in the beginning of December.
There's more to my story but i'm sure most of you are getting tired of reading this. I just..miss him.. i miss his smile and the way his hands felt and hearing him say i love ya honey. lately the depression has been bad i lost the thankfulness i felt, the relief that he was out of pain. i lost the bigger inspiration he gave me. i dont feel that i was lucky to have him for longer, i just feel like why sint he here? i see young people with both their parents and i'm jealous. i just dont know where to go anymore,i just want to let everything i've achieved fall by the wayside, i just want to hide in my garden, my house my apartment and be by myself..
help me save myself