Cancer Survivors Network

I absolutely commend you for going out there and dating again! That's brave. But then again, fighting cancer ain't no small thing either. :-) I guess if you have "conquered" cancer that most things are possible. STRONG WOMEN! Sometimes, that's scary to men. I agree that perhaps it would be better to ease into the cancer info rather than being upfront about it. I find my cancer battle a very personal and private thing. And I think it's a privilege for anyone to know about it. So, if you frame it like that, then perhaps you can wait until the second or third date before you share such personal, sensitive information.

I might be facing the dating world (operative word: MIGHT) in a few months. I'm heading towards the end of the cancer battle (remission around the corner, fingers crossed). And while my boyfriend stuck with me through it all, I'm feeling distance and sort of an impatience in him that may lead to parting ways. This I'm not looking forward to because I think that cancer is just the first part of the battle, living with and contending with the longer side effects of chemo is another. So, it would be nice if he stuck around for that (the "stretch" as I call it). But who knows?

The prospect of going out there again and dating is a daunting one for me. So, kudos to you ladies! And good luck out there. There must be strong MEN floating about in the world.

best,
c

Well crap, I am a man. And like I tell my daughters "men are all dogs". We sniff around looking for a free meal. We head to the garbage sometimes as its easy and we don't have to perform tricks or get attached to a food bowl. We run away when we get a chance and chase everything in town. And when we get hit by a car we don't stay away from the road. We try to bite every car that comes down the road. Its a much harder struggle in life finding that dog that is faithful and deserving of your love. If a man is so shallow that cancer or a disability bothers him then you don't want him anyway. I can't imagine how bad of a relationship that would be over the long run. There are men out there that will embrace the fine qualities you have to offer. The wisdom you gained during your struggle with cancer and your ability to enjoy even the smallest things in life. And that man will learn how lucky he is to have found such a strong woman with a huge giving heart. If I was single I would come here looking for a woman that loves life and enjoys each day she has been given. It would be hard to find a woman anywhere else with a greater appreciation of life. You are all quite special to me. Slickwilly

Slickwilly - I just read this post of yours and hope you see my response.
I wish somebody had told me that about men about 25 years ago. Would have saved me a lot of money, heartache and I would probably be living happily in Seattle right now.
*sigh*
Fatima

Hi girls,
I'm not in your shoes (have a wonderful, supportive husband) but if I were, I wouldn't "settle" for anything but the best. There are men out there that will walk a tight-rope for you, just give it time. Rick and Slickwilly are two of the greatest guys I've ever met and if they can see the beauty in a woman with cancer, so can many other men.
Please don't give up; you're relatively new to the post-cancer world and it can be very scary. I am praying that you will find "Mr. Wonderful" and have the comfort of true love and life-long companionship. I can't even accept that there are no men willing to get to know a strong, compassionate, beautiful woman who has been through the battle that you have and come out a winner.
Guys, please say it ain't so....
Hollyberry

Holly,

I am very appreciative of your kudos, plaudits, and accolades. Cancer and dating is just as frightening for men as it is for women, especially if it involves the male sexual organs. Being candid about issues such as sterility or "dry" ejaculations can put the brakes on any promising relationship (and, believe me, I've been there). I found it more comfortable just to refrain from dating and settle into a safe secure routine. Besides, I no longer have the funds for wining and dining beyond an occasional sandwich out with friends.

So, there you have it. Men have similar anxieties and insecurities where dating is concerned. But, sometimes, just when you stop looking, that's when you find, or rather, that special person finds you!

Let's keep our collective fingers crossed for those of us who haven't found what you and your husband have.

Love and Courage!

Rick

Rick,
I am always amazed at your courage and honesty. I,too, have some of the same issues from my rectal surgeries. Thankfully, my husband is patient and I am determined (so I need an extra pain-killer on those "special occasion").I try to keep the "fun" in sexual dysfunction!!
I am just a die-hard optimist, I guess. I feel the strength, courage and beauty in so many cancer-survivors and I just can't fathom that being a deficit in anyone's mind. Call me crazy but aren't we all going to experience some form of illness in our lives? Don't people in the dating world understand the certainty that we will all end up facing death at some point? If a man (or woman for that matter) can't see the value of experience and learned compassion of a person who's been through this battle then they don't deserve the chance to be a prospect for these girls!
And, by the way, if I were single, I'd be knocking on your door right now; be very glad, my friend, that I have someone to occupy my time-LOL!!

Lots of Love,
Holly

Lisa. I am so glad that you have moved into the dating arena again. There is no doubt that you have alot to offer the right man when he comes along. Take it slow. You have every right to be treated with the respect you deserve. If a man is too lazy to open a door or complains about having to wait while you put on makeup to look better for him, then kick him out the door. If he does not treat you with respect now, you will be a doormat later. Holy I am sounding like a father again ha ha. Good luck Lisa. I hope only for the best in your future. Slickwilly

Slickwilly you are awesome. Thank you for the advice and all the nice things you said. Both my parents have passed away and I didn't want to put added pressure on my son and daughter, even though they are adults. They are strong and overprotective of me, but have enough to deal with, me and starting their lives. So, thankfully I turned to ya'll, my friends. And I will take it slow, because I do want the door opened for me, etc. and most of all respect. Thank you again. I so glad to have met you. Good luck to you too. Lisa

Well I have officially been dating my current boyfried for a couple months. I originally told him about my cancer in the beginning and hadnt mentioned it since. He was complaining about his sinus's, and I told him I know all about sinus problems and suggested he try using a sinus rinse to help alleviate his congestion. He looked at me and said so you have sinus problems huh.... I think I starred at him for what seemed like forever... and said "You remember I told you I had sinus cancer right".. he returned the deer in head light stare and believe it or not he said "I thought you were just messing with me" HAHAHA as if I would tease about cancer. So I sat him down, pulled out the photo album and made sure he understood it this time. He got the long story, not the short abbreviated one I gave him the first time. After he realized what exactly I had been through he apolgized, gave me a hug and told me I was one heck of a strong woman. I think I am still in shock that he thought I was kidding.. or maybe he just didnt want to hear it the first time. Now lets see if there is a date this weekend....ohh funny times :)

I don't know if it's because we're the same age or what, but I feel a bond with you. Thank you for your advice. I am so happy for you. You found what I'm looking for. Great idea pulling out the album and showing him exactly what you went through. That's how I feel. I just want to be honest and let him know what I've been through and this is a part of my life. But I'm not giving up. Yeah, this is something no one would ever joke about, I agree with you. Who knows what he was thinking when you told him the first time. I am so glad I met you and again thanks for sharing and your advice. Good luck to you. Lisa

Hi Tim nice to meet you. Read and take the advice of the all these people, correction my friends. Because of them, I feel I have hope of meeting someone. I was ready to give up and got onto the discussion board and met the most wonderful people. I know not all men are that way, it's just that everyone I met was. Mention cancer and they were off and running. It wonderful to meet a man like you. And now I have a new friend. Good luck to you. Lisa

Dear Lisa and Tim,
I hope that both of you have realized from our responses that there are so many people who understand and appreciate you. Don't ever sell yourself short- you are strong, compassionate and wonderful human beings and if someone treats you with less than the highest regard, get rid of them!!! You know that the deficit lies with them and not yourselves.
Be kind to yourselves and trust that you will find that "special" person when the time is right. You didn't come this far to give up now, did you? Of course not! You look in that mirror at home and see the fighter you are and know that anyone who ends up with you is one very lucky person!
Best of Luck to You,
Hollyberry

Thank you hollyberry. I didn't think very much of myself before I asked for advice on divorce, starting over, and dating. I wish I had of thought of this a long time ago. I felt rejected, disrespected, and less than nothing by my ex husband. So, of course, my self-esteem and self confidence was non-existant. But thanks to all of you, I'm regaining all of this. Before I got sick I was the strong person in the family. My cancer just floored me and of course my ex and his cheating. Then starting over is hard. And dating is even harder. The things you said are so true and now my head and my heart know it. And I did what you said, I looked in the mirror and saw the fighter I've always been. So, from now on I'm Looking Forward....................... Thanks so much and Good Luck to you!

Today was a ruff day ended up talking with a rep with ACS to much going on at one time but they put my brains back on straight it meant a lot to talk with them i needed it and then reading you post and Lisas made my day end out good i try not to stress wich is bad but just words of keep going you will make it bring me strength Thanks to both North Fl Tim

Hey Tim, Lately I've been thanking all my new friends for their support, because I was in the same place you are. They made me realize that I need to focus on myself and my strength and things will work out. I was so down on myself, I had just given up on everything and cried alot. I felt defected and thought who's going to want to be with me. I'm glad I wrote when I did. I got some amazing advice and now look at things differently. And you do the same!! Yes it hurts when people find out and they pull away, but like I was told, they are just not deserving of us. We have had the fight of our lives and some of us will for the rest of our lives. We're special and we just need to find that special person for us and we will when the time is right. Until then, we have each other, our families, and friends. Tim we'll take the high road with all our new friends. We'll be ok. By the way, I can talk alot I'm Cajun, lol. Good luck to you and have a good day. Oh, and thank you for thanking me. That made my day. Lisa

To all the women here! I worked in corrections for 17 years with some of the worst criminals in this country. Be careful when your meeting new people and pick a public place to meet for your first date. Keep your head up and not slumped when your walking around. Studies have shown that you are 80% more likely to be picked as a target if you walk around looking at the ground. Park your car under street lights or a well lit area that has other foot traffic walking by. And always let someone know where your going, who your going with and when you expect to return. In this economy the states are letting far too many criminals out of prison early. So take care of yourself because you are all quite special to me. Slickwilly

Thank you Slickwilly. I will be careful. You are one of a kind. I get nervouse meeting men and you are so right. They can look like the man next door, but be something totally different. When I do meet someone it is always in a public place. Trust me, I have to report to my daughter, my Aunt, and my best friend. It's a great feeling to hear how much you care and I won't let you down. Thanks again, take care, Thank God for letting me meet you! Lisa

tim,

On February 24, 1994, I entered my younger brother's apartment only to find him dead by suicide at the end of an electric cord. The only thought more horrible than this, was thinking that I would have to explain this to my parents. When I did, my tiny frail mom comforted me! How our parents react to crisis is how we learn to deal with it in our own lives. It is how I learned to cope with cancer, divorce, unemployment, and the deaths of every member of my immediate family. Parents are much stronger than we know; yours will be "there" for you, trust me.

Love and Courage!

Rick

Dear Tim,
Rick is so right! I am a mom of 3 and I am fighting like a warrior for their sake. I wouldn't have this strength and determination, if not for them. Believe me, your mom will be your rock right now. She will want nothing more than to take care of her "baby"; I know it seems strange after being on your own and independent for so long, but please, let her have the honor of caring for you. It will make her feel better to do that and you will need the love and support of family. Don't think that your siblings will feel burdened by your illness, either. They will come together for you and it will make your family all the closer.
Give yourself a big pat on the back for going through all of this with quiet dignity and strength and then, realize how big a gift it will be to your family to be able to be there for you. You've been there for them, now give them the honor of doing the same for you. Consider it a gift and know that sharing this journey will bring you all closer together (A mother's dream, by the way!).
You are in my prayers and I know that you will feel so much better when you can share this time with your family. Their prayers and comfort will mean so much to you as the battle continues.Stay strong, and know that you are never alone; we are here to share and lend you moral support when you need it.

with love and prayers,
Holly
P.S., My mom is 82 and still makes dinner for me and my family once a week; she wants so much to be able to help in any way she can. I thank God for her every day.

When you mention your 82 year-old mom, I miss mine and wish she were here so that I could tell her how much she influenced my life and how I envy her faith and internal strength. Mothers are the fulcrum of sanity and courage in a family. you must be a great one.

Love and Courage!

Rick

Hi Tim, Telling my family was the hardest thing, but I told them before the surgery. I explained to them what was found and suspected. And it's the best thing I could have done. If I had waited I know they would have been hurt. Instead this way, they gathered around me and gave me so much love and support. I've always been the strong one in the family. At the time when they discovered the mass on my right kidney, my ex husband got hurt at work (and wasn't making any kind of attempt to help me or anything), taking care of my 6 year old and 3 year (at the time), bringing them to sports practices and games, bringing my daughter to dancing and recitals, taking care of house work, bills, etc. and taking caring of my mom who was terminally ill, and working FULL-TIME. I had cancer and didn't even know it. I was picking up my mom's oxygen tanks, wheel chair, etc. and the tumor could have ruptered. The dr.'s still don't know how it didn't happen. All this for 10 years. When I found out about the mass, I had to let them know. I didn't want to go through the surgery and have to then tell them I have cancer. So, I called each family member and got such love and support. Especially, my mom, kids, and my aunt (moms sister). I even postponed my surgery a week to see my daughter graduate. Because I didn't know what would happen and I at least wanted to see one of my kids graduate. I would stop to check on my mom 3 times a day. And as sick as she was she put how she felt aside to comfort me. She would put my head in her lap and rub my back where the I was hurting. She would tell me, " you are not going before me!!" She would call me about 8 times a day to see how her "Baby Girl" was feeling. That's was she called me. My mom died Aug 5, two months after I found out about the cancer, but I will never forget those 2 months for as long as I live. I'm glad, no proud of the way I handled it and it gave my family time to deal for what might or might not happen. My kids are a blessing, I got my strength from them, and my Aunt was awesome and has since filled in for my mom. Either way it's not easy to tell your family something like this, you just have to think about it and make your choice. You know your family. But I believe telling them now will make this whole process a little easier for you. I know it did me. Here for you my friend, Lisa

I am sorry that you even have to deal with any of this. But waiting is not going to help anyone in this situation. We all need time to develope coping skills to deal with our own problems. I think your family deserves time to develope theirs. Your mother will be much stronger then you think and as a parent I want to know when my daughters are facing problems so I can help. Your family needs time to think things through and step up to the plate and help you when and if its needed. My parents went to church and added me to prayer lists. My brother and friends started benefits. And my daughters who knew everything from the initial bump on my face to the end of my radiation were awesome. The night I was told I had cancer I went to work and stood in front of my whole shift and announced it. That took away the rumor mill and made it easier for them to ask questions. I have no regrets about keeping everyone informed about my medical problems.
Last week my wife had blood tests, CT scan, chest x-ray and an EKG. This week a nuclear stress test and heart scan. My daughters and all of the parents were told. There could be nothing wrong with my wife but they have time to prepare if there is. My daughters are here today giving my wife the love and affection she deserves. I guess all of this reminds me of the song "lean on me". Sometimes we all need someone to lean on. Good luck Tim

My thoughts and prayers are with you Tim and everyone else, not just Wednesday, but everyday. And meeting all of you is the best thing to happen to me. I can speak for myself, but I have those bad days too. It was one of those days when I started chatting on this discussion board. I haven't had my five year check up yet, because I'm going through test on my heart. Friday I found out they were sent to a specialist (cardiologist). So, I'm waiting again. But the waiting is easier talking to all of you. Love and Luck to all, Lisa

thanks to everyone i face a big challenge today i met with my surgeon and scheduled the biopsy , was shaking a lot , so much that the nurse had to hold on to me to calm me down to weigh me , went from 201 lat s week to 192 this week so gotta watch my weight a lot don,t need to loose any more right now but i am good for at least till july 8th surgery day but thanks to all for courage and pep talk

I can imagine how scared you were Wednesday. I'm know all of us has been in that position. I'm still waiting on my heart tests, so I can finally have my cancer tests. Please take care of yourself (weight) I know our nerves and stress get the best of us, but be careful. Take care and keep in touch. Let us know how things are going. As always my prayers are with all of you. Love and Luck (especially for July 8th surgery day), Lisa

I can smile some now that was weight off my shoulders i have one more doctors appointment next week so i have a break from Mr Worry Lisa d thanks for the words they mean alot I will pray for good results on your heart tests , And keep you in my prayers As they say prayers go up Blessings come down ,, there is strength in num,bers i know I have found my strength through all of you here Much Thanks To all North Fla Tim

When I got on this site, I was in the same place you are. All these people, my friends, helped me get through it. The first thing I did was get a lawyer to see what my options are. Oh, by the way, my husband had an affair not long after my kidney cancer surgery. I blamed myself for everything. I wouldn't leave the house. I couldn't face people, until my family and friends got it through my head it wasn't my fault. And don't get me wrong I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, but nothing like this. Don't let him treat you this way. You've been through way more than he has. And if he can't support you from the beginning, he never will. That's what happened to me. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!!!! I am in the phase of starting over and dating. And, of course, it all started off badly. But when I decided I was giving up on everything, I came on this site and my friends talked to me and gave me great advice and courage. I'm hanging in there, despite other medical problems. I don't feel as lonely, but still want to have someone in my life. And it's hard. The lonelyness is unbearable at times, you are right. But it doesn't make it easier having him there, talking to other women right in front of you. You are special and deserve so much more. Don't let him bring you down, stand strong. We are all here for you. My saying, "CANCER CHOSE US, WE DIDN'T CHOOSE IT." Hold your head up high, and although it may hurt, you need to get him out of the house. That way maybe ya'll can work it our or maybe not. I believe there's someone for everybody, it's just a pain finding him. Take care and I'm here to listen and help anyway I can. Lisa

Thank you for replying to my letter.
I try to stay out most of the day. This women calls many many times a day. Always has some emergency going. I honestly am thinking of telling him I will buy him an airline ticket to Ill. with the condition he never contacts me again.
Cancer is hard enough without this.He stayed home and slept when I had my mastectomy.I have no idea who he is but it is not the man I married 14 years ago.

Maya,

The really unfortunate thing is that so many spouses never believe that they will have to deal with the "sickness" or "worse" challenges that impact marriages. I wish they had a "Consumer Reports" for marriage prospects, rating them for longevity, like, "Comes on great, in the beginning, but not to be counted on for the long-haul".

Love and Courage!

Rick

You hit the nail right on the head. My oncologist told me the the men leaaving there wifes during this time is so common. He said he has heard this story more than he can count.
My husband is emailing a women now and it hurts me. Even though I have no feeeling for him it is humiliating.He hurries up and mim the screen when I walk into the room. I told him I would buy him a ticket to go to Ill. on the condition he would never contact me again. He wont go.

I've been through cancer and lets face it, it will always be a part of my life. I think positive that it won't come back, but reality is it may. My ex husband cheated not long after, so I divorced him. Then starting over is so hard, especially financially. And now dating, that got off to a rough start. I still have that wall up. I am dating someone now and he is the complete opposite of my ex. He compliments me, holds my hand, calls me everyday. I like the way this is going. Ok, here comes what's next. I got my results from my heart tests. My heart muscles have weakened and is not working like it should. A normal number on a reading is 50, I'm a 30. My docs are suprised that someone my age has this low of a number. They think it was a virus I had in the past that caused this damage. I will be taking more tests to make sure. Two steps forward, three back. I hope this doesn't scare off the man I'm dating. Just when I think I might be happy, this happens. They said I can live a normal life, I'll just have to be watched, like the cancer. I really don't know how much more I can take. I know things could be worse, but right now for me, I just want to cry and ask, "Why???" Back to crying again.

Lisa,

Your health is your only concern at this point, why give a damn for what the guy thinks or cares? If he gets scared and runs, good riddance, he wasn't worth it! You need to take care of YOU.

Love and Courage!

Rick

Thanks Rick. My head know this, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet. I'm just really scared. Love and Luck to you, Lisa

this may just be the true test you need to find out whether or not this man is one you want to be a permanent part of your future. His reaction to this news should be a major clue.

It just might be the true test. We'll see, I guess. I just don't want to get hurt again. But I know it's something I have to go through. Thank you and Take Care, Lisa

I am new to this site, but find it a true blessing that I am here now. I tripped at work and needed neck surgery. the pre-op testing showed a tumor in my lower right lung (never smoked). the doctors were very sure that according to my health history it would be benign. I have lung cancer that resulted in a lobectomy in 2002. Went through chemo and radiation, was in remission for three years. Since then the cancer has come back five more times. In the past six years I have had five courses of chemo and another course of radiation and a hysterectomy in 2006. I am so blessed. My PD is my warrior. My "wasband" and I separated in July of 2002 and I was diagnosed in Nov. He cheated before my cancer and then used my cancer to get sympathy from a judge over a 4th DUI he received. When I was in remission in 2005 was reacquainted with a guy I new when we were kids. Seemed really like the strong type. Could handle anything....WRONG! If I had asked him to literally pick up my car and move it...no problem. But I knew we were not going to make it when he told me "you're face looks thinner and prettier when the cancer is eating at you". I just laughed. The PC (pre-cancer) me would have been sooo upset, I don't think I would have gotten over it. I thought "Buddy, I have survived cancer and treatments for six years. You're nothin'!" He did me a favor. Showed me another strength I didn't know i had. So Lisa don't be sad. Recognize what you have been through and appreciate the strength it has taken to get there. I used to be afraid of many things. Not anymore. I thank God for every day and feel once you have stared cancer in the eye, there is no one and nothing that can bring you down. Thanks for reading all of this. And remember: 1) Don't sweat the small stuff. 2) It's all small stuff! Praying for all of you, my new friends!

For sharing your story with me. You are amazing with all you've been through. I take all of ya'll strong words and advice to heart. It means so much to me. It's like I said, "My head knows, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet!" I just have some really good days and then there are the really bad days. I guess being divorced, I don't want to be a burden on my kids and I do want someone in my life to lean on when I have too. Our family has been through so much and it's like we never get a break. I pray for it, but it just keeps coming. I have to just keep taking one day at a time and hopefully, I'll get that strength back. The strength I know I have. And you are beautiful, don't let anyone tell you different. Thanks again. Love and Luck to all my friends, Lisa

What is it about cancer that makes spouses cheat? I am one year into recovery and it hasn't been easy on either of us. 24 years of marriage which I thought/think is a strong one. Then I started getting bad vibes about a friend of ours (who knew I had cancer) and confronted my wife and she confessed that they had an affair. At the lowest point of my life she steps out. Cries and is very remorseful- but has anyone else been able to forgive such a thing? Just when I needed her most.

I finished my chemo in Dec. after 6 rounds of chop+r. My husband of 41 years didn't help and always made plans to be out of town working. I really don't know what he was/is doing. After my 2nd treatment I told him that if he didn't help thru the last 4, I was done. We have been separated since Oct. He has been mean and hateful thru all of this. I have never needed anyone more. I live 3 hours from my family and friends. He has moved back to our hometown, while I am trying to sell our house. I don't know if cancer turned our spouses into jerks, or it just magnifies their true nature. I am very lonely and alone, but I think I am better off alone than with someone who always put himself first. JH32 you just have to figure out if she did this when you needed her the most, what does she have to offer at this point? Hope you come up with the right answer for you. Peace, Nancy

Nancy-
I swing back and forth between thinking that alone would be better- seems like at least the issues to be dealt with would be more consistant. It is so hard because I didn't realize until going through cancer/treatments how much it affects everyone. On my good days I forgive her because we are all humans and make mistakes. On the not so good days it seems unacceptable that someone would do it at that time of their partners life. I say to myself that I could never do that....but we really don't know until the situation arises. There really are very few if any black and white decisions.

I am quoting someone from another post but it is so true- 'you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only answer'. Thank you so much for being open with me. I feel for your loneliness- but you are not alone. So many of us feel the same way. Today I feel 'strong' enough to decide what's best for me, and at this point it could be staying with her or moving on- but either way it has to feel right. I admire you for making such a tough choice. Peace back at you- Jim

Forgive or Forget. My ex was hurt at work in '93. I worked full time, took care of him, two kids, my mom who was ill for 9 years before passing, paid bills, took care of the house, brought kids to sports and dancing and all he did was ride around drinking and taking his pain pills. I even did all of this having cancer for a year and didn't know I had it. He never supported me or even let me talk about it. He said if I talked about it, it meant I wanted it to come back. I, too, had a feeling something was going on and saw on the cell phone bill my intuition was right. He was calling her on his birthday, our anniversary, christmas etc. and "CHEATING!" I got a lawyer and filed for divorce. And to make matters worse he was horrible to me and the kids, but mostly me. I deserve better, way better. Lisa

The answers on this and other boards have helped me find the strength to throw him out, at last! Thank you all so much for putting it into words that made sense to me.

After 3 years of putting up with the abuse, I acted at last. He left last night, all I feel is a great sense of relief, and a bit tearful..I don't know why.

Onward and upward....

Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You don't deserve or need that abuse. Good luck to you. And we're all here for you. Lisa

Lisa and everyone in here, Thank you so much for the Kick up the arse I needed to end this bloody torture;.

Huge Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kudos to you runrummer!!

I too have noticed that I am less anxious about things now - like public speaking which used to terrify me. Now, every day is a gift.

Blessings to all,

Mary Ann

He's still here. Will not look for a job all he does all day is play poker on the computer and talk to his girlfriend. I am on depression meds right now.

After a nice bottle of celebratory Vino Collapso I was Pole Dancing with my tree. Don't worry, I'm not dangerous! LOL

Hugs Jxxxxxxxxx

Linda-
First off I love your picture- you look like a proud, beautiful woman. Is it too personal to ask what unknown you stepped off into?
I have been having some very bad days over my wife's affair. Just feels like a hammer on each side of my head- just as I get a grip on my cancer I get smacked by the hurt of her unfaithfulness, and visa versa. I had radical prostate surgery and am not fully recovered yet which includes my ability to be intimate. At times it is unbearable that my wife was with someone else and that I'm not sure I'll ever be able provide that for her again.
Cancer is uglier and more painful then I could have ever imagined. Was stepping away from your situation truly worth it? This would be easier if I didn't love her, or if she was cruel.
Not sure how to get out of this pit- Jim

You were not speaking to me in the above post but if you don't mind I would like to respond to your situation.
My 28 year marriage did not survive cancer (mine). Oh, we went on for awhile after I was out of treatment but it was not a healthy situation.
The fact was, (Oh, I am a female, forgot you can't tell that by my screen name) he just was not committed to me or the marriage unless it was providing him with what he wanted. I lost both breasts. Enuf said?
I can't comment on your wife's mind set, obviously, but when 'for better or worse' becomes about as worse as it can get, that's when the feathers hit the fan unless there is an under girding in the relationship that is strong enough to bear up under the stress.
In retrospect, I can see that he had been dissatisfied for a long time even before I got sick. But that doesn't help much after the fact. My marriage did not survive because he did not want it to, and was not willing to do the work needed to preserve it. That is really the bottom line. When a relationship is damaged it takes time and work and tears and honesty and renewed commitment to repair it. And since you are already in a fight for your life, you may not be able to find the resources to slay this dragon too. I would suggest intense professional help for the two of you. Provided you are both willing of course. Otherwise it will be an exercise in futility.
You say it would be easier if you did not love her. I understand that, believe me. Love is a commitment and some of us are just not capable of going back on our commitments. And some of us are not capable of keeping them. It is just very sad when these two types of people end up married to each other.
God bless and I really do hope you and she can work things out and come to a good place together again.

Zahalene-
This really is an open forum, so thank you for adding to it. I am truly sorry for what you went through, both with the cancer and your ex. I hope the cancer portion is conquered.
I read in a number of posts that 'you're better off without him/her'- but that is a hard one. I try to think that if the cancer hadn't been in the equation and she did this what would I do? I believe I'd be trying to work through it, so we are going to try now.

Did you begin to start thinking totally about what was good for you before breaking off the marriage? When I think that way and not worry about how she leads her life I think I could make it on my own. The scary part is thinking that I would be alone, for good. The reality is that if we/she can't commit to fidelity and faith then it is over. Did you try professional help? We are scheduled for counceling next week and having never gone through it not sure how helpful it can be.

I hope you have found peace, and someone else if that is what you want. Though our cancers were different I feel your pain as too what it did to our bodies. I think back to one of my last CT scan appointments and as I sat there feeling sorry for myself a mother pushing her 10 to 12 year old son in a wheel chair came around the corner. Poor kid had tubes all over, no hair and had obviously been through hell- made me realize that at worst I had 40 years of extra life than he and to look outside my self pity shell. Still doesn't take all the pain away but puts it in some perspective.
Peace to you and thanks for being honest- Jim

for the good wishes.
First of all, I am a 23+ year breast cancer survivor. I was first diagnosed in 1986 (at age 38), again in 1988, and a third time in 1996. I am just fine now and turned 61 this summer. My marriage has been over for 13+ years, so I have had some time to think through both issues from the perspective that distance offers.
My ex was the one who broke off the marriage, like a bolt out of the blue, so I had no chance to prepare for it at all. He was not interested in counseling or anything that might have helped the situation. He just wanted OUT.
I had an 11 year old son and a daughter just 6 months married, so my plans had to include what would also help them cope and heal. But we found solutions that worked for us and moved on, as that was our only option.
And, yes, in some practical ways I (and my kids) have been 'better off' without him, but we also suffer some long-term effects. My kids have no real connection to their father. And I have, for various reasons, chosen to remain single. He stole a lot of things from us when he left, and I am NOT talking about physical possessions, but he became toxic to our mental and emotional health and the time came for us to protect ourselves.
In fact, I have a lot of wonderful things in my life now that I could not have had if I was still with my ex. But that does not in any way speak to your situation. Only you and your wife can decide whether or not you can repair what has been broken, and I agree that a commitment to fidelity and renewed faith in each other are essential elements in a marriage. Without them the relationship grows into a kind of cancer of its own. And it can be more deadly than this other kind we have already experienced.
God bless.

zjrosenthal-
First of all I haven't been on this site in quite a while so sorry for the delayed response. Just saw your post tonight.
It is incredibly hard to deal with both issues at once. Now that over two months have gone by since I found out about my wife's affair I'm finally past the shock. It would be a shock at any time, but while fighting cancer your attention and guard are really down. I found that focusing on my recovery and needs helped me begin to get thru it. I'm still not there, but believing that you will be fine on your own helps. It also helped my wife see that I would move on from her and she doesn't want to lose that. I'm not sure if they think we are at a weak moment and can't react to their choices- but you can.
I spent many, many days curled up crying over everything and then reached a point where I said enough. It still hurts and I have down days, but I am looking forward for me. If it works out and she wants to be there (and if I want her to) then so be it. If not I'll make it alone.
Stay strong and realize that you are a good person and his actions say more about him. It is not a reflection of you.

Thanks for your support. You are so right, he was a snake who took advantage of my weakness and good nature. He is still here by my grace and mercy, supposedly working recovery thru 12 steps and went to a 4 day intensive treatment program for sex addiction. He has been mean to me thru our 34 yr marriage and I stuck it out because of my goodness and compassion, sometimes too much goodness if you know what I mean. I have told him he has one chance and not to blow it. I am hoping he gets his act together for his sake because I will survive and trive either way but if he goes out there again I believe he will be dead in a year. He is an old overweight sick man and he needs me a lot more than I need him. Again my thanks for all the support and encouragement.

Thanks for your support. You are so right, he was a snake who took advantage of my weakness and good nature. He is still here by my grace and mercy, supposedly working recovery thru 12 steps and went to a 4 day intensive treatment program for sex addiction. He has been mean to me thru our 34 yr marriage and I stuck it out because of my goodness and compassion, sometimes too much goodness if you know what I mean. I have told him he has one chance and not to blow it. I am hoping he gets his act together for his sake because I will survive and trive either way but if he goes out there again I believe he will be dead in a year. He is an old overweight sick man and he needs me a lot more than I need him. Again my thanks for all the support and encouragement.