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Divorce, Starting Over, and Dating after Cancer

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

Five years ago I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Renal Cell Carcinoma, stage 2 of 3. I had a partial nephrectomy of my right kidney. About a year after, my ex husband had an affair, that's why he's my ex. He was never supportive and wouldn't allow me to talk about the cancer. He said, "If I talked about it, it meant I wanted it to come back!" Yeah right, that was a horrible thing to say. As of now I am cancer free, but will be taking tests soon. Like I typed above, I have entered the dating world. But it's like when I tell the person I meet that I am a cancer survivor they run the opposite way. I am going through so many emotions, none good. I want to be honest with people. I mean this is a part of my life and always will be. If anyone has any advice for me, I would really appreciate it. I am 42 years old and do not want to live the rest of my life without a special man by my side.

tasha_111's picture
tasha_111
Posts: 2041
Joined: Oct 2008

I am not quite where you are, but almost. My partner was just awful through my treatment and even my so called recovery. He had just lost his Mum to cancer when I was dxd..He blamed me, left me, charged me for taking me for treatments, got all religeous on me: "You deserve cancer because you come from a family of heathens, who don't go to church on a sunday".....? Like 'He' ever did?

I am still with him and we are trying to rebuild, Maybe this is not possible. I understand you wanting to be honest and not lead a perspective long-term relationship down the garden path. I really am mainly still with him because I moved from england to canada to be with him, there is nobody else here apart from HIS family.

Maybe you are being a bit too honest, a bit too early? Or are they just that shallow?

That 'C' word really scares the heck out of people, I play it down so much now, you's think it was a dose of measles......."Yeah, well, I once had a cancer scare, But I'm fine now....." sort of thing.

Hope this helps......NooooOf course it won't.....But at 42 you are way to young to think about being alone......The cancer was a glitch.. I bet you have loads going for you, and you are still the same person as you were before......

Only, this time, don't choose an insensitive Twit!

Huge Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SIRENAF42's picture
SIRENAF42
Posts: 204
Joined: Oct 2008

Hi Lisa, Im also 42, divorced and dating, and I like you seem to find that once I mention that Im a cancer survivor, men pull away. Is it that they are shallow, or dont want to start something that may end due to cancer? I dont hide the fact I fought cancer, Im only 7 months from my last treatment, so I still have side effects to deal with, and I just dont hide my fight. I have recently met a man, who I have gone out with several times, he asked me about my scar on the side of my nose and I didnt want to tell him, was trying to think of something to say that would be cool or funny to say about it, then decided I had to just tell him. I told him a short version of my cancer battle. Normally thats when the date gets uncomfortable and ends quicker and I never hear from them again. But instead he put his arm around my waist and smiled and said your a strong woman to go through that and stand here smiling like it was just a bad day at the office, he just gave me a hug and smiled. Hasnt mentioned it since. I talk to him everyday. I dont know if it will go anywhere, and plan to just take one day at a time, but he was the first to not run. Its hard enough dating healthy, add Cancer to you dating resume and you weed out the jerks really quik LOL. Maybe its a good thing they run in the beginning and not when your heart is vested.

We should create a dating service, "Hot Cancer Survivors" lol..

ambientbeats's picture
ambientbeats
Posts: 15
Joined: Jun 2009

I absolutely commend you for going out there and dating again! That's brave. But then again, fighting cancer ain't no small thing either. :-) I guess if you have "conquered" cancer that most things are possible. STRONG WOMEN! Sometimes, that's scary to men. I agree that perhaps it would be better to ease into the cancer info rather than being upfront about it. I find my cancer battle a very personal and private thing. And I think it's a privilege for anyone to know about it. So, if you frame it like that, then perhaps you can wait until the second or third date before you share such personal, sensitive information.

I might be facing the dating world (operative word: MIGHT) in a few months. I'm heading towards the end of the cancer battle (remission around the corner, fingers crossed). And while my boyfriend stuck with me through it all, I'm feeling distance and sort of an impatience in him that may lead to parting ways. This I'm not looking forward to because I think that cancer is just the first part of the battle, living with and contending with the longer side effects of chemo is another. So, it would be nice if he stuck around for that (the "stretch" as I call it). But who knows?

The prospect of going out there again and dating is a daunting one for me. So, kudos to you ladies! And good luck out there. There must be strong MEN floating about in the world.

best,
c

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Well crap, I am a man. And like I tell my daughters "men are all dogs". We sniff around looking for a free meal. We head to the garbage sometimes as its easy and we don't have to perform tricks or get attached to a food bowl. We run away when we get a chance and chase everything in town. And when we get hit by a car we don't stay away from the road. We try to bite every car that comes down the road. Its a much harder struggle in life finding that dog that is faithful and deserving of your love. If a man is so shallow that cancer or a disability bothers him then you don't want him anyway. I can't imagine how bad of a relationship that would be over the long run. There are men out there that will embrace the fine qualities you have to offer. The wisdom you gained during your struggle with cancer and your ability to enjoy even the smallest things in life. And that man will learn how lucky he is to have found such a strong woman with a huge giving heart. If I was single I would come here looking for a woman that loves life and enjoys each day she has been given. It would be hard to find a woman anywhere else with a greater appreciation of life. You are all quite special to me. Slickwilly

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

Slickwilly - I just read this post of yours and hope you see my response.
I wish somebody had told me that about men about 25 years ago. Would have saved me a lot of money, heartache and I would probably be living happily in Seattle right now.
*sigh*
Fatima

scamps67's picture
scamps67
Posts: 20
Joined: Oct 2011

Hi I met my husband 4 years ago, he had had oral cancer and a neck dissection 3 years previously. On our first date I asked him about his scar and he told me about his cancer and honestly my first response was to run away....I was terrified of falling in love with someone who might get cancer again and maybe die. I had to think about it and needless to say we kept dating :) I decided I would rather spend whatever days we had than to just run away. Well he got cancer again, he just went through another huge surgery and i slept in the hospital with him all 8 days. I seriously didnt think he would get cancer again or at least not for Many years, he is only 39 now. The odds that he will get another cancer are high but I am sticking it out. I love him. You will find someone who deserves you!

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Lisa,

I've been through the post-divorced dating scene and find the thought of "putting myself out there" again terrifying. If, after having been through both cancer and divorce, you still have the courage to venture into the unknown, you are a much stronger and adventurous person than I.

Love and Courage!

Rick

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Hi girls,
I'm not in your shoes (have a wonderful, supportive husband) but if I were, I wouldn't "settle" for anything but the best. There are men out there that will walk a tight-rope for you, just give it time. Rick and Slickwilly are two of the greatest guys I've ever met and if they can see the beauty in a woman with cancer, so can many other men.
Please don't give up; you're relatively new to the post-cancer world and it can be very scary. I am praying that you will find "Mr. Wonderful" and have the comfort of true love and life-long companionship. I can't even accept that there are no men willing to get to know a strong, compassionate, beautiful woman who has been through the battle that you have and come out a winner.
Guys, please say it ain't so....
Hollyberry

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Holly,

I am very appreciative of your kudos, plaudits, and accolades. Cancer and dating is just as frightening for men as it is for women, especially if it involves the male sexual organs. Being candid about issues such as sterility or "dry" ejaculations can put the brakes on any promising relationship (and, believe me, I've been there). I found it more comfortable just to refrain from dating and settle into a safe secure routine. Besides, I no longer have the funds for wining and dining beyond an occasional sandwich out with friends.

So, there you have it. Men have similar anxieties and insecurities where dating is concerned. But, sometimes, just when you stop looking, that's when you find, or rather, that special person finds you!

Let's keep our collective fingers crossed for those of us who haven't found what you and your husband have.

Love and Courage!

Rick

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Rick,
I am always amazed at your courage and honesty. I,too, have some of the same issues from my rectal surgeries. Thankfully, my husband is patient and I am determined (so I need an extra pain-killer on those "special occasion").I try to keep the "fun" in sexual dysfunction!!
I am just a die-hard optimist, I guess. I feel the strength, courage and beauty in so many cancer-survivors and I just can't fathom that being a deficit in anyone's mind. Call me crazy but aren't we all going to experience some form of illness in our lives? Don't people in the dating world understand the certainty that we will all end up facing death at some point? If a man (or woman for that matter) can't see the value of experience and learned compassion of a person who's been through this battle then they don't deserve the chance to be a prospect for these girls!
And, by the way, if I were single, I'd be knocking on your door right now; be very glad, my friend, that I have someone to occupy my time-LOL!!

Lots of Love,
Holly

tonybear
Posts: 92
Joined: Mar 2009

i told my daughter the samething slickwilly told his. men are dogs. if, if, if, you can get one who decides to stay you still have to train us the way you want us, not the way our mothers raised us. lol. in my late teens i realized that smart strong ladies were the better long term choice. truthfully some boys can't stand the idea of someone like that. they need the a weak one so they can remain in control and not be seen as equal to or less than her. i have a strong daughter and i have told her before about a boyfriend that he wasn't man enough for her. it took a while before she understood. now she runs them off like a stray dog in the wrong yard. it took a while but i got a strong smart woman and it is a blessing to live with one.

tonybear
Posts: 92
Joined: Mar 2009

women be strong, be smart and be picky. life is to good to waste it on dogs.

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

I cried reading each one of your replies, because ya'll understand. I feel such a relief in knowing that there are people who can understand and listened to what I'm feeling. And I'm happy to tell ya'll that I had a lunch date today with a really nice man. One day at a time, we'll see how it goes. At least he didn't go running in the opposite direction. After ya'll replies and today's lunch date, I feel hopeful again. I appreciate ya'll and wish the best for all of you too. Ya'll are right, we will find the right person, when the time is right. And ya'll are also right, if he can't take the fact that I have had cancer and so far 5 years cancer free (have to take tests) then he's not worth it and doesn't deserve me. People need to realize, "We didn't choose cancer, it chose Us." Thanks again to all of you , ya'll have made my day and this dating process easier for me.

Hugs, love, and luck to everyone,
Lisa

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Lisa. I am so glad that you have moved into the dating arena again. There is no doubt that you have alot to offer the right man when he comes along. Take it slow. You have every right to be treated with the respect you deserve. If a man is too lazy to open a door or complains about having to wait while you put on makeup to look better for him, then kick him out the door. If he does not treat you with respect now, you will be a doormat later. Holy I am sounding like a father again ha ha. Good luck Lisa. I hope only for the best in your future. Slickwilly

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

Slickwilly you are awesome. Thank you for the advice and all the nice things you said. Both my parents have passed away and I didn't want to put added pressure on my son and daughter, even though they are adults. They are strong and overprotective of me, but have enough to deal with, me and starting their lives. So, thankfully I turned to ya'll, my friends. And I will take it slow, because I do want the door opened for me, etc. and most of all respect. Thank you again. I so glad to have met you. Good luck to you too. Lisa

tim4343
Posts: 23
Joined: Jun 2009

well have just started down the road and am exsperiencing the same thing since march, people seem to run scared at the C word or Chemo, am single no kids never married now and i see the same like the ladies on here people i were seeing are shrinking away like i have the plague so what do you do everyone needs some personal support ,hang in there ladies all of us guys are not that way /Tim in North Fl

SIRENAF42's picture
SIRENAF42
Posts: 204
Joined: Oct 2008

Well I have officially been dating my current boyfried for a couple months. I originally told him about my cancer in the beginning and hadnt mentioned it since. He was complaining about his sinus's, and I told him I know all about sinus problems and suggested he try using a sinus rinse to help alleviate his congestion. He looked at me and said so you have sinus problems huh.... I think I starred at him for what seemed like forever... and said "You remember I told you I had sinus cancer right".. he returned the deer in head light stare and believe it or not he said "I thought you were just messing with me" HAHAHA as if I would tease about cancer. So I sat him down, pulled out the photo album and made sure he understood it this time. He got the long story, not the short abbreviated one I gave him the first time. After he realized what exactly I had been through he apolgized, gave me a hug and told me I was one heck of a strong woman. I think I am still in shock that he thought I was kidding.. or maybe he just didnt want to hear it the first time. Now lets see if there is a date this weekend....ohh funny times :)

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

I don't know if it's because we're the same age or what, but I feel a bond with you. Thank you for your advice. I am so happy for you. You found what I'm looking for. Great idea pulling out the album and showing him exactly what you went through. That's how I feel. I just want to be honest and let him know what I've been through and this is a part of my life. But I'm not giving up. Yeah, this is something no one would ever joke about, I agree with you. Who knows what he was thinking when you told him the first time. I am so glad I met you and again thanks for sharing and your advice. Good luck to you. Lisa

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

Hi Tim nice to meet you. Read and take the advice of the all these people, correction my friends. Because of them, I feel I have hope of meeting someone. I was ready to give up and got onto the discussion board and met the most wonderful people. I know not all men are that way, it's just that everyone I met was. Mention cancer and they were off and running. It wonderful to meet a man like you. And now I have a new friend. Good luck to you. Lisa

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Dear Lisa and Tim,
I hope that both of you have realized from our responses that there are so many people who understand and appreciate you. Don't ever sell yourself short- you are strong, compassionate and wonderful human beings and if someone treats you with less than the highest regard, get rid of them!!! You know that the deficit lies with them and not yourselves.
Be kind to yourselves and trust that you will find that "special" person when the time is right. You didn't come this far to give up now, did you? Of course not! You look in that mirror at home and see the fighter you are and know that anyone who ends up with you is one very lucky person!
Best of Luck to You,
Hollyberry

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

Thank you hollyberry. I didn't think very much of myself before I asked for advice on divorce, starting over, and dating. I wish I had of thought of this a long time ago. I felt rejected, disrespected, and less than nothing by my ex husband. So, of course, my self-esteem and self confidence was non-existant. But thanks to all of you, I'm regaining all of this. Before I got sick I was the strong person in the family. My cancer just floored me and of course my ex and his cheating. Then starting over is hard. And dating is even harder. The things you said are so true and now my head and my heart know it. And I did what you said, I looked in the mirror and saw the fighter I've always been. So, from now on I'm Looking Forward....................... Thanks so much and Good Luck to you!

tim4343
Posts: 23
Joined: Jun 2009

Today was a ruff day ended up talking with a rep with ACS to much going on at one time but they put my brains back on straight it meant a lot to talk with them i needed it and then reading you post and Lisas made my day end out good i try not to stress wich is bad but just words of keep going you will make it bring me strength Thanks to both North Fl Tim

tim4343
Posts: 23
Joined: Jun 2009

Well i must admit i have been bumming around since march and just asking a lot of questions about life things people and me like what did i do what did i come into contact with ?? But most of all i must admit when people sort of starting to back away it hurt but i pulled up my boot straps and came out of the swamps of north fl LOL but am a better person for all thats happening now thanks Lisa D words are always a comfort and mean more than you know right now in my case it,s a plus Tim In North Fl

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

Hey Tim, Lately I've been thanking all my new friends for their support, because I was in the same place you are. They made me realize that I need to focus on myself and my strength and things will work out. I was so down on myself, I had just given up on everything and cried alot. I felt defected and thought who's going to want to be with me. I'm glad I wrote when I did. I got some amazing advice and now look at things differently. And you do the same!! Yes it hurts when people find out and they pull away, but like I was told, they are just not deserving of us. We have had the fight of our lives and some of us will for the rest of our lives. We're special and we just need to find that special person for us and we will when the time is right. Until then, we have each other, our families, and friends. Tim we'll take the high road with all our new friends. We'll be ok. By the way, I can talk alot I'm Cajun, lol. Good luck to you and have a good day. Oh, and thank you for thanking me. That made my day. Lisa

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

To all the women here! I worked in corrections for 17 years with some of the worst criminals in this country. Be careful when your meeting new people and pick a public place to meet for your first date. Keep your head up and not slumped when your walking around. Studies have shown that you are 80% more likely to be picked as a target if you walk around looking at the ground. Park your car under street lights or a well lit area that has other foot traffic walking by. And always let someone know where your going, who your going with and when you expect to return. In this economy the states are letting far too many criminals out of prison early. So take care of yourself because you are all quite special to me. Slickwilly

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

Thank you Slickwilly. I will be careful. You are one of a kind. I get nervouse meeting men and you are so right. They can look like the man next door, but be something totally different. When I do meet someone it is always in a public place. Trust me, I have to report to my daughter, my Aunt, and my best friend. It's a great feeling to hear how much you care and I won't let you down. Thanks again, take care, Thank God for letting me meet you! Lisa

tim4343
Posts: 23
Joined: Jun 2009

ok everyone serious time for me , Lisa D / Slick Willy,/Holly B .. i have 7 brothers and siters i have always been the one there for them and never have i ever been sick ,??My mom is 78 an i have always been thre for her and have gotten her through 2 surgeries shes a trip i tell ya , i have 4 siters 2 brothers as far as they know i just had the heart attack in march and thats it , am not good at this at all i go to surgeon next week weds to schedule my biopsy so do i wait till after or before i have been keeping them at arms distance so far and am fighting with this on when how what , i just don,t want to call them up on phone and tell them or write a letter and mail it , they all stay a long ways off any advice would be helpfull i need it Thanks Tim in north Fl

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

tim,

On February 24, 1994, I entered my younger brother's apartment only to find him dead by suicide at the end of an electric cord. The only thought more horrible than this, was thinking that I would have to explain this to my parents. When I did, my tiny frail mom comforted me! How our parents react to crisis is how we learn to deal with it in our own lives. It is how I learned to cope with cancer, divorce, unemployment, and the deaths of every member of my immediate family. Parents are much stronger than we know; yours will be "there" for you, trust me.

Love and Courage!

Rick

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Dear Tim,
Rick is so right! I am a mom of 3 and I am fighting like a warrior for their sake. I wouldn't have this strength and determination, if not for them. Believe me, your mom will be your rock right now. She will want nothing more than to take care of her "baby"; I know it seems strange after being on your own and independent for so long, but please, let her have the honor of caring for you. It will make her feel better to do that and you will need the love and support of family. Don't think that your siblings will feel burdened by your illness, either. They will come together for you and it will make your family all the closer.
Give yourself a big pat on the back for going through all of this with quiet dignity and strength and then, realize how big a gift it will be to your family to be able to be there for you. You've been there for them, now give them the honor of doing the same for you. Consider it a gift and know that sharing this journey will bring you all closer together (A mother's dream, by the way!).
You are in my prayers and I know that you will feel so much better when you can share this time with your family. Their prayers and comfort will mean so much to you as the battle continues.Stay strong, and know that you are never alone; we are here to share and lend you moral support when you need it.

with love and prayers,
Holly
P.S., My mom is 82 and still makes dinner for me and my family once a week; she wants so much to be able to help in any way she can. I thank God for her every day.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

When you mention your 82 year-old mom, I miss mine and wish she were here so that I could tell her how much she influenced my life and how I envy her faith and internal strength. Mothers are the fulcrum of sanity and courage in a family. you must be a great one.

Love and Courage!

Rick

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

Hi Tim, Telling my family was the hardest thing, but I told them before the surgery. I explained to them what was found and suspected. And it's the best thing I could have done. If I had waited I know they would have been hurt. Instead this way, they gathered around me and gave me so much love and support. I've always been the strong one in the family. At the time when they discovered the mass on my right kidney, my ex husband got hurt at work (and wasn't making any kind of attempt to help me or anything), taking care of my 6 year old and 3 year (at the time), bringing them to sports practices and games, bringing my daughter to dancing and recitals, taking care of house work, bills, etc. and taking caring of my mom who was terminally ill, and working FULL-TIME. I had cancer and didn't even know it. I was picking up my mom's oxygen tanks, wheel chair, etc. and the tumor could have ruptered. The dr.'s still don't know how it didn't happen. All this for 10 years. When I found out about the mass, I had to let them know. I didn't want to go through the surgery and have to then tell them I have cancer. So, I called each family member and got such love and support. Especially, my mom, kids, and my aunt (moms sister). I even postponed my surgery a week to see my daughter graduate. Because I didn't know what would happen and I at least wanted to see one of my kids graduate. I would stop to check on my mom 3 times a day. And as sick as she was she put how she felt aside to comfort me. She would put my head in her lap and rub my back where the I was hurting. She would tell me, " you are not going before me!!" She would call me about 8 times a day to see how her "Baby Girl" was feeling. That's was she called me. My mom died Aug 5, two months after I found out about the cancer, but I will never forget those 2 months for as long as I live. I'm glad, no proud of the way I handled it and it gave my family time to deal for what might or might not happen. My kids are a blessing, I got my strength from them, and my Aunt was awesome and has since filled in for my mom. Either way it's not easy to tell your family something like this, you just have to think about it and make your choice. You know your family. But I believe telling them now will make this whole process a little easier for you. I know it did me. Here for you my friend, Lisa

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

I am sorry that you even have to deal with any of this. But waiting is not going to help anyone in this situation. We all need time to develope coping skills to deal with our own problems. I think your family deserves time to develope theirs. Your mother will be much stronger then you think and as a parent I want to know when my daughters are facing problems so I can help. Your family needs time to think things through and step up to the plate and help you when and if its needed. My parents went to church and added me to prayer lists. My brother and friends started benefits. And my daughters who knew everything from the initial bump on my face to the end of my radiation were awesome. The night I was told I had cancer I went to work and stood in front of my whole shift and announced it. That took away the rumor mill and made it easier for them to ask questions. I have no regrets about keeping everyone informed about my medical problems.
Last week my wife had blood tests, CT scan, chest x-ray and an EKG. This week a nuclear stress test and heart scan. My daughters and all of the parents were told. There could be nothing wrong with my wife but they have time to prepare if there is. My daughters are here today giving my wife the love and affection she deserves. I guess all of this reminds me of the song "lean on me". Sometimes we all need someone to lean on. Good luck Tim

tim4343
Posts: 23
Joined: Jun 2009

Well past couple of days have been a little long , can,t say i am doing well the waiting has finally caught up tome emotionally i guess , I appreciate all the advice and have read each one it makes me feel god that people that i have never even met to take me under there wing LOL , and just be frank and straight forward but gentle and kind it really has made a diffrence , Have you ever just made your self so sick you hurt well i found out the hard way , but am a lot better now Dr, gave me a good talking to and told me things were going to work out just have patience wich is hard but all the adviceis a plus and it makes my Day and Nights a lot better and meaningful well i just make it through tuesday now and see surgeon wed,s so am hoping for the best after seeing him Thanks everyone your all the best !!!! Sincerely North Fl Tim

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

My thoughts and prayers are with you Tim and everyone else, not just Wednesday, but everyday. And meeting all of you is the best thing to happen to me. I can speak for myself, but I have those bad days too. It was one of those days when I started chatting on this discussion board. I haven't had my five year check up yet, because I'm going through test on my heart. Friday I found out they were sent to a specialist (cardiologist). So, I'm waiting again. But the waiting is easier talking to all of you. Love and Luck to all, Lisa

tim4343
Posts: 23
Joined: Jun 2009

Well thanks to everyone facing the surgeon weds will be a lot easier , hopefully i will ask all the right questions and come away feeling better about having the surgery scheduled at least Thanks Lisa D and everyone for support It has meant a lot Tim in North Fla

tim4343
Posts: 23
Joined: Jun 2009

thanks to everyone i face a big challenge today i met with my surgeon and scheduled the biopsy , was shaking a lot , so much that the nurse had to hold on to me to calm me down to weigh me , went from 201 lat s week to 192 this week so gotta watch my weight a lot don,t need to loose any more right now but i am good for at least till july 8th surgery day but thanks to all for courage and pep talk

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

I can imagine how scared you were Wednesday. I'm know all of us has been in that position. I'm still waiting on my heart tests, so I can finally have my cancer tests. Please take care of yourself (weight) I know our nerves and stress get the best of us, but be careful. Take care and keep in touch. Let us know how things are going. As always my prayers are with all of you. Love and Luck (especially for July 8th surgery day), Lisa

tim4343
Posts: 23
Joined: Jun 2009

I can smile some now that was weight off my shoulders i have one more doctors appointment next week so i have a break from Mr Worry Lisa d thanks for the words they mean alot I will pray for good results on your heart tests , And keep you in my prayers As they say prayers go up Blessings come down ,, there is strength in num,bers i know I have found my strength through all of you here Much Thanks To all North Fla Tim

maya00i's picture
maya00i
Posts: 43
Joined: Jun 2009

After I survived Breast Cancer my husband decided he did not love me anymore. He left while I was recouperating.I Ended with lymphedemia and any and all side effects from the Arimedex. He to have a cataract operation.I was told the treatment I was going though excellerated the cataracts. I feel so lonely right now because he moved back after a year and a half because he ran out of money. He stays on the computer all day and writes to other women.They tell them they love him call him babe.They call his cell 24/7. I feel like I do not deserve this.
He will not leave saying its his house also.
He is very cool towards me.
I neveer presued another relationship because I only have one breast.I have been through so much I do not want reconstruction.I am on two type of tranquilizers, can not sleep. The loneness is unbearable at rimes.

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

When I got on this site, I was in the same place you are. All these people, my friends, helped me get through it. The first thing I did was get a lawyer to see what my options are. Oh, by the way, my husband had an affair not long after my kidney cancer surgery. I blamed myself for everything. I wouldn't leave the house. I couldn't face people, until my family and friends got it through my head it wasn't my fault. And don't get me wrong I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes, but nothing like this. Don't let him treat you this way. You've been through way more than he has. And if he can't support you from the beginning, he never will. That's what happened to me. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!!!! I am in the phase of starting over and dating. And, of course, it all started off badly. But when I decided I was giving up on everything, I came on this site and my friends talked to me and gave me great advice and courage. I'm hanging in there, despite other medical problems. I don't feel as lonely, but still want to have someone in my life. And it's hard. The lonelyness is unbearable at times, you are right. But it doesn't make it easier having him there, talking to other women right in front of you. You are special and deserve so much more. Don't let him bring you down, stand strong. We are all here for you. My saying, "CANCER CHOSE US, WE DIDN'T CHOOSE IT." Hold your head up high, and although it may hurt, you need to get him out of the house. That way maybe ya'll can work it our or maybe not. I believe there's someone for everybody, it's just a pain finding him. Take care and I'm here to listen and help anyway I can. Lisa

maya00i's picture
maya00i
Posts: 43
Joined: Jun 2009

Thank you for replying to my letter.
I try to stay out most of the day. This women calls many many times a day. Always has some emergency going. I honestly am thinking of telling him I will buy him an airline ticket to Ill. with the condition he never contacts me again.
Cancer is hard enough without this.He stayed home and slept when I had my mastectomy.I have no idea who he is but it is not the man I married 14 years ago.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Maya,

The really unfortunate thing is that so many spouses never believe that they will have to deal with the "sickness" or "worse" challenges that impact marriages. I wish they had a "Consumer Reports" for marriage prospects, rating them for longevity, like, "Comes on great, in the beginning, but not to be counted on for the long-haul".

Love and Courage!

Rick

maya00i's picture
maya00i
Posts: 43
Joined: Jun 2009

You hit the nail right on the head. My oncologist told me the the men leaaving there wifes during this time is so common. He said he has heard this story more than he can count.
My husband is emailing a women now and it hurts me. Even though I have no feeeling for him it is humiliating.He hurries up and mim the screen when I walk into the room. I told him I would buy him a ticket to go to Ill. on the condition he would never contact me again. He wont go.

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

I've been through cancer and lets face it, it will always be a part of my life. I think positive that it won't come back, but reality is it may. My ex husband cheated not long after, so I divorced him. Then starting over is so hard, especially financially. And now dating, that got off to a rough start. I still have that wall up. I am dating someone now and he is the complete opposite of my ex. He compliments me, holds my hand, calls me everyday. I like the way this is going. Ok, here comes what's next. I got my results from my heart tests. My heart muscles have weakened and is not working like it should. A normal number on a reading is 50, I'm a 30. My docs are suprised that someone my age has this low of a number. They think it was a virus I had in the past that caused this damage. I will be taking more tests to make sure. Two steps forward, three back. I hope this doesn't scare off the man I'm dating. Just when I think I might be happy, this happens. They said I can live a normal life, I'll just have to be watched, like the cancer. I really don't know how much more I can take. I know things could be worse, but right now for me, I just want to cry and ask, "Why???" Back to crying again.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Lisa,

Your health is your only concern at this point, why give a damn for what the guy thinks or cares? If he gets scared and runs, good riddance, he wasn't worth it! You need to take care of YOU.

Love and Courage!

Rick

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

Thanks Rick. My head know this, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet. I'm just really scared. Love and Luck to you, Lisa

zahalene's picture
zahalene
Posts: 624
Joined: Nov 2005

this may just be the true test you need to find out whether or not this man is one you want to be a permanent part of your future. His reaction to this news should be a major clue.

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

It just might be the true test. We'll see, I guess. I just don't want to get hurt again. But I know it's something I have to go through. Thank you and Take Care, Lisa

runrummer's picture
runrummer
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2009

I am new to this site, but find it a true blessing that I am here now. I tripped at work and needed neck surgery. the pre-op testing showed a tumor in my lower right lung (never smoked). the doctors were very sure that according to my health history it would be benign. I have lung cancer that resulted in a lobectomy in 2002. Went through chemo and radiation, was in remission for three years. Since then the cancer has come back five more times. In the past six years I have had five courses of chemo and another course of radiation and a hysterectomy in 2006. I am so blessed. My PD is my warrior. My "wasband" and I separated in July of 2002 and I was diagnosed in Nov. He cheated before my cancer and then used my cancer to get sympathy from a judge over a 4th DUI he received. When I was in remission in 2005 was reacquainted with a guy I new when we were kids. Seemed really like the strong type. Could handle anything....WRONG! If I had asked him to literally pick up my car and move it...no problem. But I knew we were not going to make it when he told me "you're face looks thinner and prettier when the cancer is eating at you". I just laughed. The PC (pre-cancer) me would have been sooo upset, I don't think I would have gotten over it. I thought "Buddy, I have survived cancer and treatments for six years. You're nothin'!" He did me a favor. Showed me another strength I didn't know i had. So Lisa don't be sad. Recognize what you have been through and appreciate the strength it has taken to get there. I used to be afraid of many things. Not anymore. I thank God for every day and feel once you have stared cancer in the eye, there is no one and nothing that can bring you down. Thanks for reading all of this. And remember: 1) Don't sweat the small stuff. 2) It's all small stuff! Praying for all of you, my new friends!

LisaD67
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2009

For sharing your story with me. You are amazing with all you've been through. I take all of ya'll strong words and advice to heart. It means so much to me. It's like I said, "My head knows, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet!" I just have some really good days and then there are the really bad days. I guess being divorced, I don't want to be a burden on my kids and I do want someone in my life to lean on when I have too. Our family has been through so much and it's like we never get a break. I pray for it, but it just keeps coming. I have to just keep taking one day at a time and hopefully, I'll get that strength back. The strength I know I have. And you are beautiful, don't let anyone tell you different. Thanks again. Love and Luck to all my friends, Lisa

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