CSN Login
Members Online: 12

Lost without her

MomMyGuardianAn...
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2009

I lost my mom on May 5th. I lost her 5 days before mother's day, 6 days before my birthday, and 11 days before my college graduation. My college graduation was the worst- she asked her doctors to just make sure she lived long enough to see it.

I feel so guilty that I wasn't here a lot the past four years because I was away at college. I did come home a lot but I keep kicking myself for not spending every second I could with her. I know she wanted it that way. She wanted us living our lives and being happy. But I still can't stop thinking about moments I missed out on.

Now, not even a month after I lost her I am fearing the future. None of my friends have been there, no one really knows what to say or do. I keep dreading the next event that I would want her at, my wedding, advice when I finally have kids, buying my first house. I know I have some time to do all that, but all she wanted was to be there for it and that is all I will be thinking about when all those things finally occur. I don't really know how I will come to enjoy what will be some of the biggest events of my life without her.

Rambling, I know, but it feels good to let it out.

soccerfreaks's picture
soccerfreaks
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

I was a freshman in college, many, many moons ago (I had to duck whenever a pterodactyl flew overhead) when I was informed by my dad that mom was in the hospital with breast cancer. At that time, even more so than now, cancer meant death to the uninformed, so I was anxious to come home, but my dad advised that I could do nothing to help her, and that she wanted me to stay in school.

So I stayed.

The situation sounds similar to your own.

The difference is that my mom didn't pass away for another 20 years.

Still, I understand your remorse and your fears for the future.

In June of '07 I was told I had maybe 10 months to live, maybe a bit longer. My daughter, working on her masters degree while working fulltime, had been putting off having children until she and her husband had fulfilled some of their other personal goals. At this news, they determined to have their first child at once. He was born last July, by which time the doctors had decided I wasn't dying so quickly after all, at least not from cancer (we can all be hit by a bus, after all, and doctors have not figured out how to prevent that, except to tell us to move where there are no buses, but I digress).

My point? I guess it is that you can never know, young lady, what the future holds at any given moment, and you have to live in the moments as they are provided. Do not beat yourself up for choices made or for what you may have missed. You did what your mom wanted you to do, and I am sure that you made her very happy in the process. Remember that.

As for the future, I am sure as well that you will have some issues with her absence at each of the events you describe, and some may even be of greater significance than your graduation and will thus, perhaps, evoke an even greater pang of loss.

But you are growing every day, and with every day that passes the loss of your mother will be gradually replaced with memories of the happy times you spent together. It WILL happen. It WILL take time, but it WILL happen.

Tears of loss will be replaced with tears of joyful remembrance.

Please know that we are always available for you on this site, here and in the chat room, if you need to vent.

Best wishes for a happy future, one that your mom would be proud of!

Take care,

Joe

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

If it was your mothers wish that you finish college then you did the right thing. I was in her shoes 6 years ago trying to survive for my twin daughters graduations. I didn't want my daughters to suffer through their last year of school because of me. I am sure your mother wanted you to have the best possible start in life. She may not be with you for future events, but it sure sounds like she is inside you forever. So listen to your heart and that nagging voice in your head when big decisions have to be made. And celebrate the life that your mother gave to you by being the best person you can be. Remember that when you do something great your mother would be smiling. Take care and live a life she would be proud of. Slickwilly

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network