Jun 03, 2009 - 1:52 am
I lost my mom on May 5th. I lost her 5 days before mother's day, 6 days before my birthday, and 11 days before my college graduation. My college graduation was the worst- she asked her doctors to just make sure she lived long enough to see it.
I feel so guilty that I wasn't here a lot the past four years because I was away at college. I did come home a lot but I keep kicking myself for not spending every second I could with her. I know she wanted it that way. She wanted us living our lives and being happy. But I still can't stop thinking about moments I missed out on.
Now, not even a month after I lost her I am fearing the future. None of my friends have been there, no one really knows what to say or do. I keep dreading the next event that I would want her at, my wedding, advice when I finally have kids, buying my first house. I know I have some time to do all that, but all she wanted was to be there for it and that is all I will be thinking about when all those things finally occur. I don't really know how I will come to enjoy what will be some of the biggest events of my life without her.
Rambling, I know, but it feels good to let it out.