I have recently undergone surgery to remove my right middle lobe of my lung. I had a carcenoid lung tumor. The doctors tested the surrounding lymph nodes and they were clean, thank god. I had the surgery 3 weeks ago and I am home recouperating. I actually feel physically pretty good. The doctors said they will follow me for 5-10 years. I know that should make me feel better but I'm feeling like a bundle of nerves.
The past 2 years have been really difficult. I had a baby girl on xmas of 07. Great news right. Well she wasn't supposed to arrive until april of 08. She spent 4 1/2 mths in the nicu. She is perfectly healthly now. Apon her arrival home I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. Luckily instead of affecting my organs this form of scleorderma only affects my skin. Sorta makes it look like i have bruises or scars. Then when I finally came to grips with that I get diagnosed with lung cancer???
I can't help but feel like "whats next" and of course "why me". Im 33 years old. I don't know if thats good or bad for me ya know. I feel like being so young just gives the cancer more time to play games in my body. I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I know none of us have a choice in that but I just need to say that this sucks.
I try to stay positive for my little girl and for the most part I do. I can't help but be thankful that she will never know about this or remember what I went through. I cant however stop wondering if it will keep coming back and she will be a little girl without a mother.
I'm scared and I just want someone to tell me that this is over. I know that isn't going to happen. I guess I just want to know that someone out there understands. My family goes on with their lifves now like everything is back to normal. Im happy for them that they can do that. I can't. My life is forever changed. I want to live, really live but I scared to let myself be happy, truely happy. I'm afraid that the second I let my gaurd down this will come back again. I don't know. I really don't know how to continue on without being scared for the rest of my life.