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Really scared and feeling really alone.

amyc2376
Posts: 2
Joined: May 2009

Hi,
I have recently undergone surgery to remove my right middle lobe of my lung. I had a carcenoid lung tumor. The doctors tested the surrounding lymph nodes and they were clean, thank god. I had the surgery 3 weeks ago and I am home recouperating. I actually feel physically pretty good. The doctors said they will follow me for 5-10 years. I know that should make me feel better but I'm feeling like a bundle of nerves.
The past 2 years have been really difficult. I had a baby girl on xmas of 07. Great news right. Well she wasn't supposed to arrive until april of 08. She spent 4 1/2 mths in the nicu. She is perfectly healthly now. Apon her arrival home I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. Luckily instead of affecting my organs this form of scleorderma only affects my skin. Sorta makes it look like i have bruises or scars. Then when I finally came to grips with that I get diagnosed with lung cancer???
I can't help but feel like "whats next" and of course "why me". Im 33 years old. I don't know if thats good or bad for me ya know. I feel like being so young just gives the cancer more time to play games in my body. I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I know none of us have a choice in that but I just need to say that this sucks.
I try to stay positive for my little girl and for the most part I do. I can't help but be thankful that she will never know about this or remember what I went through. I cant however stop wondering if it will keep coming back and she will be a little girl without a mother.
I'm scared and I just want someone to tell me that this is over. I know that isn't going to happen. I guess I just want to know that someone out there understands. My family goes on with their lifves now like everything is back to normal. Im happy for them that they can do that. I can't. My life is forever changed. I want to live, really live but I scared to let myself be happy, truely happy. I'm afraid that the second I let my gaurd down this will come back again. I don't know. I really don't know how to continue on without being scared for the rest of my life.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Amy,

I have been cancer-free for 27 years and still fear each annual tumor screening. To be a cancer survivor is to be the soldier on the wall, always in anticipation of the next battle.

Love and Courage!

Rick

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Hi Amy. I understand what your feeling and where your coming from. Sometimes we just want someone to give us a hug and tell us everything is going to be ok. And as much as I would like my family to understand my pain and frustration its just not going to happen. They can't live in our bodies and I would not want then too. And it would be one of the greatest blessings in the world if we knew another bomb was not going to drop on us. Many of us here are living proof that the bombs can keep dropping. But we are also living proof that we have a strong will to survive and live life as best we can. Six years ago cancer changed every part of my life. But I am not going to allow cancer to run my life. I have three daughters of my own and I am quite proud of the young women they have become. You have the awesome responsibility of raising a child to become a great human being. And its hard to do that if your living your life in fear. Group meetings, counseling or anti anxiety drugs might help you deal with some of your feelings so you can move forward with your life. And you always have the many people here to talk too. What your going through is perfectly normal. But we can't change the future when we don't know what it is. We can only hope and pray that things in our lives will level out and try to enjoy each day that we have. Anyway give your daughter a big hug for me because I sure miss not having little ones around. Slickwilly

tonybear
Posts: 92
Joined: Mar 2009

last year 15 days after my 54th birthday i found out i had cancer. what a happy bithday. i had 3 birthday parties that month by people who cared. i got out the hospital at the end of last oct and things have changed. cancer has changed my life but i refuse to let it become my life. my first check up i was scared for 2 weeks before. my last check i was cool until the doctor walked in with the test results. i was still nervous when we made our next appointment for the end of this june. i am still new at this and i find that some days i am okay, some days i think about cancer a lot. my wife worries when i get sick as do i. i have friends at church who really are concerned. then there are others who think it is all over and life is normal. well, for some of us it is a new normal. there have been a lot of positives to come out of it. i am back to trying new things, enjoying life again and living with more joy. it isn't all bad. enjoy your baby, stop in the morning to see the sun come up. even it's only for a few minutes. your doing okay and you'll adjust to it all. people here have helped me a lot with a number of questions and feelings. be blessed and enjoy life again. tony

zahalene's picture
zahalene
Posts: 627
Joined: Nov 2005

wish we could say the words you want so badly to hear and make them come true for you. But being unable to do that, we offer what love and support we can.
I was diagnosed with cancer the first time at age 38. I had 2 young children. I had a total of 3 cancer diagnoses over the following 10 years. I was in active cancer treatment for 15 years. And this month I will turn 61 and am NED (no evidence of disease).
This is just to let you know that good things can happen and often do. I pray all good things for you and send prayers for God's richest blessings to you.

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