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Melanoma kills

angelfire1967473
Posts: 1
Joined: May 2009

Im a 16 year old girl and my mother has stage 4 Melanoma. She just turned 40. Shes very young and dying very painfully and slowly. I hate seeing her like this and I dont want to lose her. Theres so many things I want to do with her but I am unable to. She has to stay in a bed at all times for the fact that she cant move much. Shes on so many medications. She went to the NIH in maryland to try the kemo treatment and lost all her hair. The cancer only grew. She has it in her leg by her groin. She gets bladder infections all the time and has a stint. I just cant handle seeing her like this. Why should a 16 year old girl lose their mother? My grandma tells me that its all my fault that shes dying. I dont understand why its my fault? Please help. I need advice...

stox4bux
Posts: 29
Joined: May 2009

My dearest angelfire
It breaks my heart to read your story because I know what you are going through. I was 12 years old when I lost my own mother after five years of illness. I am now 62 years old and I still miss her when I think of her.
First of all, it is NOT your fault that your mother is sick. Don't let anybody convince you of that. People get sick for all kind of reasons but they love their children and that does not make them sick. I can only think that your grandma is so heartbroken that her own child (your mother) is so sick that she needs to blame someone for it and you may be the person closest to her, so you get the blame out of her frustration. But, let me say it again - you are NOT at fault.
There are still many things you can do with your Mom and enjoy each others company. You can read a book together, start a journal together, watch a movie together. Tell her every day what you did at school and the things you enjoy doing with your friends. This way she can take part in your life even though she has to stay in bed. Find out what kind of favorite food she would like and prepare it for her. Make a video of her or a recording where she tells you of her life.
We all lose our parents sooner or later. You still have a lot of time left with your Mom to enjoy each others company and to make memories for yourself to enjoy when, one of these days, she is no longer with you.
Be brave and love your Mom.
Love to you as well.
Gitta

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Sweetheart,

I am a mom with malignant melanoma, too. I have 3 children and my youngest is only 17; he's as sad as you, but he knows that his mom loves him completely. I am absolutely certain that your mom loves you just as much. She is going through all of her treatments with one goal in mind- to spend every moment that she has with you. I know that because I am doing exactly the same thing.
Don't listen to your grandma right now. I don't know why she said that to you; Gitta may be right and your grandma just needs someone to blame. That doesn't make what she said any better, I know. Sometimes even our own families are cruel and hurtful to us for reasons we may never understand. But please don't let her thoughtless words hurt you. She is 100% wrong. YOU did nothing wrong!
Your mom needs you more than ever right now.So, please spend time talking to her, spoiling her with whatever special treats she likes and just showing her how important she is to you. She is doing the same for you in her own way. Sometimes, the only way I can let my family know how much I love them is to stay awake as long as I can to spend time with them. They know how sick I am and appreciate my efforts and I appreciate every little thing they do for me. Even if they just get me a cup of water or a kleenex, it is a sign of their love for me and comforts me when I'm so sick or in bad pain.
Please, angel, know that your mom loves you wit hall of her heart and she would be healthy if she could; but, now, you just have to make the most of your time together and enjoy these days as best you can. Your memories will comfort you for the rest of your life.And your kindness will get your mom through the worst days and bring her such comfort.

You and your mom are in my prayers, angel.
With so much love,
Hollyberry

Lisak
Posts: 59
Joined: Mar 2009

First I want you to know it's not your fault and that is impossible for it to be.. also, I wanted you to know there are a lot of things you can do with your mom like my daughter does for me.. My daughter is 15 and she will lay in bed with me and just talk, we do puzzles together, she writes me notes at school everyday and gives it to me when she gets home, we watch "the gilmore girls" she has all 7 season (we are on season 3). I love hearing everything she did at school and I can't wait for the continuing story each day, she is my life and we still enjoy our time together. Try things you like and see if you can include your mother in them. like your favorite movie or tv shows.. tell her everything that happened at school. I hope things will get better for you and you & your mom will be in my prayers.

longingforhope's picture
longingforhope
Posts: 61
Joined: Apr 2009

Lisa,

My girls and I love Gilmore Girls and now that my husband is sick he has started watching it with us to have some bonding time with the girls. I'm sure he'd rather watch sports but with Stage 3 Cancer he wants to bond with them anyway he can. He even will let my 15 yr old with her permit play her Taylor Swift cd when she is driving. LOL

When it comes down to it it's the little things that make the difference and the girls will have wonderful memories.

Take Care,

Hope

devastated
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2009

I am a grandmother and my only son, a great dad like your husband with a 11 year daughter has been diagnosed with melanoma. He was on interferon for a year and half way through they found the melanoma had spread to the pancreas. He has just had the body of the pancreas removed and so I am praying. He has a wonderful attitude, but I am finding it hard to handle. I am absolutely devastated. I did not know how many people had cancer, until this happened. They should have found a cure by now. I do know that a good diet and attitude does help.

fighting to win
Posts: 4
Joined: Jun 2009

Angelfire,

Oh my goodness. Honey it is NOT your fault. Why your grandma feels the need to blame you is outrageous! There is absolutely no way-no how that this was caused by you... please know that.I understand where you are coming from. I am 34yrs old and I have a 8 yrs old little girl. I am stage 4 but still functioning..for how long I do not know but take the time to love on your mom. Stroke her hair, sing her a song. Do things with her to help her and you feel comforted. She needs you not to shy away. Although she is in pain I can guarantee that to have you by her side is all that she needs---I know this will not be easy and extremely emotional. Mom needs to know how you feel about her, how she was as a mother, etc. I am sooo sorry that you are going through this at such a young age. I sit here with tears in my eyes too because I know your moms pain of leaving you at such a young age...believe me this is her worst nightmare along with yours. I have been asking around to others that I know that have lost a parent from cancer. And the ideas they gave me are the following: record her voice, take lots of pictures with her, trace both your hands on the same sheet of paper, find out her favorite song, do something that will someday represent her to you. All that I am saying is utilize the time you have with her now. I strongly suggest that you continue to search for support outside your family. Most hospitals can give you some support groups in your area that apply to young teens and a parent with cancer. PLEASE know that you did nothing wrong and it is NOT YOUR FAULT that your mother is ill. Please know that I lift you up in prayer and will be here if you need someone to talk to. I know that I am a stranger but think of it this way...I am in your mothers position so maybe I can help with how she feels and you are in my daughters position so you might be able to prepare to help my daughter. I pray that you find comfort and peace during this most difficult time. Please know that I care.

34 year old mother with stage IV metastatic melanom

longingforhope's picture
longingforhope
Posts: 61
Joined: Apr 2009

Angelfire,

I am so sorry that your grandma is so grief stricken that she is blaming you because it definitely is not your fault. My daughters are 15 and 18 and watching their Dad with Stage 3 Melanoma that has spread going through this horrible illness too. So I understand how hard this is on you.

Ask your Mom's Oncologist about Interferon or Interleuken 2. With Interferon your Mom would have to go in for iv treatments five days a week for 5 weeks. Then you could give her shots 3 times a week at home for a year. She can go to the clinic in an ambulance alot of people do. It sounds scary but you can do it, that is what I am doing for my husband. Chemo doesn't work on melanoma, it just comes back as you have found out. Interleuken 2 your Mom would have to be in the hospital for a week at a time in Intensive Care and get iv treatments. Both are successful with melanoma even in advanced stages. I know it's alot but write it down and call or go see your Doctor.

Angelfire is a very appropriate name because you are an Angel to be so good to your Mom and to be such a wonderful caretaker. You should join us in the chatroom in the evenings, we talk about cancer then we switch to silly things and all get a good laugh. And laughter is what you need and you can read the funny things to your Mom.

Just know that she loves you and you have earned your Angel wings and there is a special place in Heaven for caregivers!

Much love,

Hope

happydad
Posts: 16
Joined: Jun 2009

Dear Angelfire,

I can only say amen to all of the positive encouragement you have received in the other replies. You are not the cause of your mother's illness. Life happens and sometimes what happens is not pleasant or expected. I find myself in the situation that I may not see my granddaughter reach sixteen before I am gone. It is a constant reminder that every day is precious. I would only encourage you to spend as much time as you can with your mother and let her know you love her. You can be sure that she loves you and aches for what she will miss. Make the most of every moment with her.

peggy01700
Posts: 8
Joined: Mar 2008

Dear Angelfire,

Please don't feel that it's your fault that your mom has cancer. No one knows why some people get cancer and others don't. Your mom loves you and surely doesn't want to see you sad. She is fortunate to have a caring daughter like you. So, as others who replied said, spend as much time with her as you can. I'm sure that is all she really wants now. If you keep feeling sad, talk with someone and maybe a counselor would help you to feel better.

Take care.

Peggy01700

yalleh's picture
yalleh
Posts: 36
Joined: Jul 2009

Dear Angel,
I would say that "its not your fault" but by now (after all the comments) you should know that its not your fault.

My advice would be to go and hug your mom (not just once, do it 5 or 10 times a day), then tell her something that makes her laugh, and most importantly enjoy your time with her. You didnt do this to her nor can you change it. However you can make the most of every minute you have with her.

PS I was in a similar situation as your mom and something changed for me. So dont give up hope either.

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