Full Time Work...

tasha_111
tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi it's me again, I have made myself soooooooooo indespensible to the firm that they have asked me to go full time, for this week only... Of course I gladly said yes, and hubby thought it was great, hey, all that extra money.

BUT....Last night I got home and he was obviously in bed and as pissed as a fart, Tonight I came home (after doing the grocery shop and 8 1/2 hours at work ) and he could barely stand. Then he laced into me, making it sound like me going to work was an accusation that I didn't want to spend time with him (why would I)???????

I come home from work, absolutely knackered, and he expects me to pick up beer and groceries on the way home (It's actually about 4 miles OUT of my way) I get home to a pissed up testacostacle who only wants to listen to "How was your day ?" for about 3 seconds before he gets on the internet chat rooms a flirts with every other woman on there.
YES........ I am enjoying work......But I am not enjoying home very much. Would you put up with this?

Buggerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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Comments

  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #2
    (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
    Tasha~

    Only you can answer that question...but you know that already. You have my unwavering support no matter what decision you make. Make a list...if the Pros of staying outweigh the Cons, or vice versa, well there you are. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems~ and from thousands of miles away I could spout off and TELL you what to do. Easy for me to do so, perhaps not so easy for you to apply.

    I know what I would do~ but it took me a long time to do it.

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #3
    Bugger.....
    Sorry Julia you are going through this. I know what I would do too, but like Claudia said it's easier from 1000 miles away. Only you know your situation and such. Whatever you decide, we are here for you. But remember, always put yourself first. You've been through too much to not think of you before anyone else. Sending you cyber hugs, Lili
  • Jeanne D
    Jeanne D Member Posts: 1,867
    #4
    I will answer your question
    NO!
  • djteach
    djteach Member Posts: 273
    #5
    Tasha,
    I know I'm new here
    Tasha,
    I know I'm new here and I'm just learning about everybody. Just from what and how you post to others, I am sad that you allow someone to treat you that way. Of course, I'm sure there is much more that I don't know. Only you can answer that question for yourself. What are you willing to put up with and for how long and why? Whatever you decide, I will be here for you. Just don't kill him, because we may not be able to get you an aquittal!LOL (My mother used to tell me that real love energizes you, it does not drain you of energy)

    Your job sounds great and you sound extremely happy when you talk about it. Of course you're indespensible (sp). Your bright, witty, talented, creative and outgoing! I hope your job continues to bring you happiness.

    Let us know what you decide,
    Love and Gentle Hugs,
    Donna
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    #6
    I've visited this thread 3 times now...
    Hesitant to post. At a loss for words (unnatural, for me). OK, deep breath. Here goes...

    I go by the philosophy that no one outside of the "couple" - and meaning any duo - can really know & understand completely what's between those two people. Therefore, I most often take a "neutral" stance - while still offering support & sympathy, of course - when friends complain of "couple troubles"...

    In that spirit, I'm saddened to learn of your own troubles with your main man. His current behavior seems oafish, no doubt. Good thing he's far away. I'd have a few choice words for him, on your behalf, as YOUR friend. I'd have no trouble standing up to him for you.

    But only YOU know how much you care for him, how much you want him, how much you need him. How much can you overlook? Forgive? Accept? One of my many doctors or even more plentiful nurses once told me that many marriages - including, of course, alternative marriage-type relationships (trying to be politically correct here) - do not survive a cancer diagnosis. I'll hope this won't be so for you unless YOU WANT IT, not him.

    You just started working again. A big step back into "normal" (whatever that is or may be?) life. Men are creatures of habit. Hard core - don't like changes in their precious routines. Women more easily adjust & adapt to change. Is he freaking out about this new & latest change in your shared home life? Following a long year or so of many, many changes? I sure as hell don't know.

    I'm sorry you even have to think about & deal with all of this kind of stuff, in addition to everything else you've been through and are still dealing with concerning BC. What a jerk he is. But, if YOU truly love him - he's a good guy, then.

    I'll be hoping for the best for you, no matter what that turns out to be.

    Kind regards, Susan

    P.S.: On a much lighter note... GREAT news about the job! Good for you! I just knew you'd ROCK those folks!
  • Kristin N
    Kristin N Member Posts: 1,968 Member
    #7
    djteach said:

    Tasha,
    I know I'm new here
    Tasha,
    I know I'm new here and I'm just learning about everybody. Just from what and how you post to others, I am sad that you allow someone to treat you that way. Of course, I'm sure there is much more that I don't know. Only you can answer that question for yourself. What are you willing to put up with and for how long and why? Whatever you decide, I will be here for you. Just don't kill him, because we may not be able to get you an aquittal!LOL (My mother used to tell me that real love energizes you, it does not drain you of energy)

    Your job sounds great and you sound extremely happy when you talk about it. Of course you're indespensible (sp). Your bright, witty, talented, creative and outgoing! I hope your job continues to bring you happiness.

    Let us know what you decide,
    Love and Gentle Hugs,
    Donna

    That is perfect for Tasha!
    What your Mother said Donna...Perfect! Real love energizes you, it does not drain you of energy! WOW! How very truthful! It is your life Tasha, your marriage. But, if it were me and from some of the other posts you have written about him..I wouldn't put up with it. I would have been out of the relationship a long while ago. But, that is me..not you.
  • GreeneyedGirl
    GreeneyedGirl Member Posts: 1,077
    #8
    Christmas Girl said:

    I've visited this thread 3 times now...
    Hesitant to post. At a loss for words (unnatural, for me). OK, deep breath. Here goes...

    I go by the philosophy that no one outside of the "couple" - and meaning any duo - can really know & understand completely what's between those two people. Therefore, I most often take a "neutral" stance - while still offering support & sympathy, of course - when friends complain of "couple troubles"...

    In that spirit, I'm saddened to learn of your own troubles with your main man. His current behavior seems oafish, no doubt. Good thing he's far away. I'd have a few choice words for him, on your behalf, as YOUR friend. I'd have no trouble standing up to him for you.

    But only YOU know how much you care for him, how much you want him, how much you need him. How much can you overlook? Forgive? Accept? One of my many doctors or even more plentiful nurses once told me that many marriages - including, of course, alternative marriage-type relationships (trying to be politically correct here) - do not survive a cancer diagnosis. I'll hope this won't be so for you unless YOU WANT IT, not him.

    You just started working again. A big step back into "normal" (whatever that is or may be?) life. Men are creatures of habit. Hard core - don't like changes in their precious routines. Women more easily adjust & adapt to change. Is he freaking out about this new & latest change in your shared home life? Following a long year or so of many, many changes? I sure as hell don't know.

    I'm sorry you even have to think about & deal with all of this kind of stuff, in addition to everything else you've been through and are still dealing with concerning BC. What a jerk he is. But, if YOU truly love him - he's a good guy, then.

    I'll be hoping for the best for you, no matter what that turns out to be.

    Kind regards, Susan

    P.S.: On a much lighter note... GREAT news about the job! Good for you! I just knew you'd ROCK those folks!

    Hey Tash
    Farts totally stink when they're pissy~ Testacostacle's too, for that matter.
    (((smile)))
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #9
    :-(
    Hey there Tasha, don't let you him rain on your parade! You have worked hard to get where you are and deserve to revel in your accomplishments. By that I mean these past months you have struggled to stay alive and fight the nasty cancer beast. Remember your worth, value your inner comic, your earthly skills and it goes without saying your Survivorship! As Chen said so well only you know the answer to your last question. We love you Tasha, we are here for you!

    RE
  • tommaseena
    tommaseena Member Posts: 1,769
    #10
    RE said:

    :-(
    Hey there Tasha, don't let you him rain on your parade! You have worked hard to get where you are and deserve to revel in your accomplishments. By that I mean these past months you have struggled to stay alive and fight the nasty cancer beast. Remember your worth, value your inner comic, your earthly skills and it goes without saying your Survivorship! As Chen said so well only you know the answer to your last question. We love you Tasha, we are here for you!

    RE

    I did it
    I was in the same situation before I was diagnosed and told my man to find his own place last July--he finally moved out in October. We get along better now that we are not together. Got my diagnosis in December. He helps out when he can with Jake which is not often. Jake is the one who said to me "Mom, I don't like it when daddy calls you names and you and I have to be happy and we can make it on our own"--this came from a 5 year old. And those words blew me over and I had to take charge for Jake and my own sake.

    It is your life and you need to do what you need to do and it is just like cancer decisions--they are all different situations and everyone does different things.

    I believe he doesn't like you having a job because he can't keep tabs on you and he can't tell you what to do and it ticks him off--he has lost control of you and he doesn't like it.

    I am here for you.
    Love,
    Margo
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    #11
    Tasha..........
    Tasha, I don't know what to add to what these other wise women have said...

    What I do know is that you are a sweet, smart, caring lady, with a lovely sense of humor that is second to none. The type of person who is very easy to love and appreciate.

    Whatever you decide to do in your life, especially in your marriage, I am behind you and will support you and cheer you on! You deserve the best that life has to offer!

    Great big hugs for you!
    CR
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    #12
    CR1954 said:

    Tasha..........
    Tasha, I don't know what to add to what these other wise women have said...

    What I do know is that you are a sweet, smart, caring lady, with a lovely sense of humor that is second to none. The type of person who is very easy to love and appreciate.

    Whatever you decide to do in your life, especially in your marriage, I am behind you and will support you and cheer you on! You deserve the best that life has to offer!

    Great big hugs for you!
    CR

    I agree with Susan ... totally !!
    For quite awhile you have been focusing on your health ... and needing all of the help and support you could get from others. That might include your husband. It might be very hard for him to see how tough you've been ... and what a fighther you are ... and how determined you are. You are a STRONG woman. And now you want to go back to work? And not only that but the people at work WANT YOU !! They value you and your contribution ... and appreciate what you do for them. No doubt all of this is a HUGE threat to your husband. Sitting around pouting waiting for you to get home and focus on HIM and HIS day. Poor thing. It sounds like he's acting very childish ... and trying to get your attention. Very immature! He's obviously having a difficult time handling your strength ... and if I do say so ... your independence. YOU fought through treatment ... and you are now at a place in your life where you can look forward to getting up in the mornings ... and going to a job you love. He's trying to rain on your parade ... and I say ... DON'T LET HIM DO IT !!! He's an adult and he should act like an adult ... and he should also be counting his lucky stars that you are feeling well enough to work ... and that you love your job. After all ... it could be YOU sitting at home all day feeling sorry for yourself ... and waiting for HIM to come home ... but I doubt that he's the type that would ask you how you felt and how your day went. He sounds very self-centered.

    Sorry to sound so negative ... and I probably should have toned it down a bit. I guess there's still a "bit" of anger in me from my divorce. Do you think?? :-)

    hugs.
    teena
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #13
    It's your call. Besides
    It's your call. Besides nobody ever listens to me anyway. Sometimes I think I'm invisible. Once in McDonald's when I was next, she looked at the one behind me and waited on them. Maybe I look like I'm not alone or shouldn't be alone. You know, looking other places, not paying attention. Sorry got sidetracked, this is about you. See what I mean.
  • kartiae
    kartiae Member Posts: 16
    #14
    His name isn't Shawn is
    His name isn't Shawn is it???????? LOL. When I was first diagnosed I moved in with this guy I was seeing and within a month he turned into a raging alchoholic, and hit on any and every girl online right in front of me and he expected me to come home after 5 hours of chemo and cook, clean, do laundry, take care of his teenage daughter and then kiss his butt. So I moved out and lived in my truck even though I had no place to go, anyplace was better than being treated like that..
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    #15
    kartiae said:

    His name isn't Shawn is
    His name isn't Shawn is it???????? LOL. When I was first diagnosed I moved in with this guy I was seeing and within a month he turned into a raging alchoholic, and hit on any and every girl online right in front of me and he expected me to come home after 5 hours of chemo and cook, clean, do laundry, take care of his teenage daughter and then kiss his butt. So I moved out and lived in my truck even though I had no place to go, anyplace was better than being treated like that..

    Kartiae .... YIKES !!!!!
    Kartiae ... I don't know how you did it. You are one STRONG, DETERMINED woman... and Shawn was a complete jerk. Good riddance to the schmuck !!!

    Hope things are looking better for you now ...

    hugs.
    teena
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    #16
    bugger!!
    I just want to say..Good for you, whether you feel like it or not, you are already moving on. you are doing great! have a new job that you are good at and people who enjoy what you have to offer..which is strength, humor and a love for life. Many people will be drawn to you because of the special and loving person you are. I think Mr. bugger butt can't stand this, and probably liked it when you were sick at home just waiting for his almighty presence. It made him feel in control. As for flirting on line he is trying to build his own ego back up because he must know what a **** he is. But these people are not real. He could be flirting with a big burly man for all he knows! lol Maybe he wants you to know this and be jealous..self-centered and childish thinking.

    He is the one who will lose with this behavior. You have proven you can be happy without him. and support yourself. You have already gave up so much for him..moving far away etc. etc. but then most abusers try to isolate you from loved ones and friends, they think they are the center of the universe!! If he doesn't change this behavior I would give him an ultimatum..Tell him you have fought hard for this life and want to live it in happiness, you no longer want to live in fear and sadness. There is too much joy for you yet to come. and you don't need the demon or him to steal it!! and if he don't agree kick em to the curb!! sorry i got a little carried away but i don't like ANYONE messin with my sista's!!!!!!!!!
    all my love to you and congratulations on your new job. you rock!
    jackie
  • Noel
    Noel Member Posts: 3,095 Member
    #17
    rjjj said:

    bugger!!
    I just want to say..Good for you, whether you feel like it or not, you are already moving on. you are doing great! have a new job that you are good at and people who enjoy what you have to offer..which is strength, humor and a love for life. Many people will be drawn to you because of the special and loving person you are. I think Mr. bugger butt can't stand this, and probably liked it when you were sick at home just waiting for his almighty presence. It made him feel in control. As for flirting on line he is trying to build his own ego back up because he must know what a **** he is. But these people are not real. He could be flirting with a big burly man for all he knows! lol Maybe he wants you to know this and be jealous..self-centered and childish thinking.

    He is the one who will lose with this behavior. You have proven you can be happy without him. and support yourself. You have already gave up so much for him..moving far away etc. etc. but then most abusers try to isolate you from loved ones and friends, they think they are the center of the universe!! If he doesn't change this behavior I would give him an ultimatum..Tell him you have fought hard for this life and want to live it in happiness, you no longer want to live in fear and sadness. There is too much joy for you yet to come. and you don't need the demon or him to steal it!! and if he don't agree kick em to the curb!! sorry i got a little carried away but i don't like ANYONE messin with my sista's!!!!!!!!!
    all my love to you and congratulations on your new job. you rock!
    jackie

    What a JERK!
    I would never put up with someone like that, not at all. Why do you? Tasha, you deserve better and if he won't treat you better, like rjjj said..kick him to the curb. And, why is home during the day? Doesn't he work? And, he lets you know he flirts online? GAWD..what a loser!
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    #18
    Noel said:

    What a JERK!
    I would never put up with someone like that, not at all. Why do you? Tasha, you deserve better and if he won't treat you better, like rjjj said..kick him to the curb. And, why is home during the day? Doesn't he work? And, he lets you know he flirts online? GAWD..what a loser!

    Ohhh You lot are so wonderful!!!!!!!
    Thank you, Maybe I shouldn't have even posted that, but I was so hosed off at his horrible, gruesome and beligerent behaviour, I felt I had to turn to you all..........AND Boy have you been great!.. I LOVE you all... Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #19
    For what it's worth,
    I have
    For what it's worth,
    I have gotten the idea from this and other posts that you do not feel fully supported. I agree that real love gives energy rather than taking, and it is a 2-way street. I do not know what other storms you and your love have weathered before. I think the Beatles ask some very good questions in "When I'm 64". Is this the man you want supporting you at that time? Is this the man you can support at that time? If you cannot think of anyone you would rather grow old with, then this is the guy for you, come hell or high water. As others have said, only you can answer that and only you have to live with the consequences of your decision.

    I think they are lucky to have you back...at work. I imagine you would be fun to work with.

    Best wishes, seof
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    #20
    No I would not be happy with
    No I would not be happy with his behavior. But as others have said, you have to look at the whole relationship, and weigh the good points/times against the bad points/times. Life is very short, there is no time for letting someone make you miserable/unhappy.

    But you have to decide. You have a history and memories with him and you know him best and only you know exactly how you feel about him. You have gone through too much to livand then be unhappy because of someone else. Take carem Eil
  • bfbear
    bfbear Member Posts: 380
    #21
    Eil4186 said:

    No I would not be happy with
    No I would not be happy with his behavior. But as others have said, you have to look at the whole relationship, and weigh the good points/times against the bad points/times. Life is very short, there is no time for letting someone make you miserable/unhappy.

    But you have to decide. You have a history and memories with him and you know him best and only you know exactly how you feel about him. You have gone through too much to livand then be unhappy because of someone else. Take carem Eil

    By the numbers...
    Dearest Tasha,

    1. You are an incredible, strong woman, who also happens to be a cancer survivor;

    2. You know that life is short, more so than "non-survivors;"

    3. Only you know how committed you want to be to this relationship, but remember...

    4. Men (and women) can be abusive in SO many ways other than physical, and anyone that repeatedly attacks their "loved" one's self-esteem is being abusive, period;

    5. Use your support here, and find more face-to-face support where you live...divorce can be as challenging and exhausting and depressing as cancer (been there, done that) Of course, maybe after dealing with cancer, divorce is no big deal at all!!;

    6. Personally, I made my decision based on, "I'd rather live alone for the rest of my life than spend any more time here with him..." (We are sort of friends now, because we have a daughter in common and many years have passed, but it took a long, long time. If you haven't any kids, it's much easier to disengage.)

    7. "Above all, to thine own self be true."

    You are in my thoughts and prayers,
    Much love,
    Debi

    P.S. 8. If someone was behaving like that to me, after all I'd been through and now that I'd found a bit of happiness again, I'd give him the boot...after I gave him a piece of my mind!

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