Intamcy problems after lumpdectomy
Comments
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Ok, this is where our
Ok, this is where our partners REALLY need to step up to the plate and be real gentlemen (or ladies, as the case might be). It is the attitude of our partners toward us as PEOPLE, not just sex participants that really tells us where the rubber meets the road. (OK, maybe mot a good example...heehee, but you get my drift.)
Unfortunately, some of us aren't lucky enough to have a deep enough relationship to meet this need. So we have to look deep inside ourselves and find where our real value lies TO OURSELVES. For some that may mean counseling, others may be able to find it on our own, but it takes work...and time...and patience with ourselves and our partners.0 -
I need spell check here
I can only speak for myself. IMHO momen put way too much emphesis on sexuality/desireability being linked to their breasts. Yes I know that our society has brainwashed us that way. Think about those countrys where women are always topless (with their breasts down around their knees) Do their men mind?
God created breasts to feed babies-plain and simple.
Men like to look at them 'cause we don't have them - right?-WRONG - ours are usually just smaller and don't produce milk. I know because I had a modified radical mastectomy-therefor I must have had a breast to remove.
Sensulaty [darn-where is that spell check thingy] is in your head,not your chest. A "sexy" woman is sexy in her head. A wonderfull lover is someone who gives from the heart- not her body.
You were fortuanite enough to only have a lumpectomy- what about the thousands of women who have had bilateral mastectomies. They are still sexy and desireable.
Now please turn around and let me see that sexy **** of yours.
Hugs and love
Bill S.0 -
No offense Bill but...
there is no way you can understand what it is like for a woman. It isn't just society that makes our breasts part of our sexuality, or, at least to me. It is ME...my breasts make me feel sexy, make me feel womanly. ( if that is a word ) It doesn't matter what my wonderful, loving husband says or does to show me how sexy and desirable I still am. I have to feel it...ME..in MY mind. I had a lumpectomy, so, I feel lucky. But, even that bothers me. I am sure with time I will feel better with it. And, maybe once I am done with radiation..I will feel even better..who knows. It just will take time.0 -
Your Fears...Kristin N said:No offense Bill but...
there is no way you can understand what it is like for a woman. It isn't just society that makes our breasts part of our sexuality, or, at least to me. It is ME...my breasts make me feel sexy, make me feel womanly. ( if that is a word ) It doesn't matter what my wonderful, loving husband says or does to show me how sexy and desirable I still am. I have to feel it...ME..in MY mind. I had a lumpectomy, so, I feel lucky. But, even that bothers me. I am sure with time I will feel better with it. And, maybe once I am done with radiation..I will feel even better..who knows. It just will take time.
Kristen... I can relate a little. I have been out of the dating scene for a long time. And I am not married. I am in no way ready to share what I am yet with a man. I have the breast scar and the stem to stern scar from the ovarian. And a 6 inch scar on my back from losing a piece of my spine. I have just got to the point where I feel comfortable with all of the scars. I can look in the mirror now and I don't cringe. It will take some time for you to get used to your new body.
I think for me it will take a very special man to share myself with. If I do decide to share at all. One that will look past the scars and into my heart. (Bill, do you have a brother?)
Kirsten, one day you will feel "sexy" again. At least to you. I am not a large woman and I had a lumpectomy. So that small lump has left quite a dent . So for the first time in my life, I got one of those push-up bras, I think you call them. That way I look pretty even on both sides. And I also have switched my taste in clothes. It has given me a new image. I guess what I am trying to say is, give it time. Try some new things that make you feel good about the new body that you are in.
Hugs, Cindy0 -
don't worry.
Hi, I understand your feelings, but I bleive your life is more important than a scare. You are blessed that you have found out early about it. I have a scare too. You know I am 46 and my breast were my best part of my body. they were like a 20 years old's breast. very beautifull.But I don't care. A man who loves you is not gona care about that. honestly it is not that bad. Please don't worry. YOU CAN STILL BE SEXY!0 -
Thank youKristin N said:No offense Bill but...
there is no way you can understand what it is like for a woman. It isn't just society that makes our breasts part of our sexuality, or, at least to me. It is ME...my breasts make me feel sexy, make me feel womanly. ( if that is a word ) It doesn't matter what my wonderful, loving husband says or does to show me how sexy and desirable I still am. I have to feel it...ME..in MY mind. I had a lumpectomy, so, I feel lucky. But, even that bothers me. I am sure with time I will feel better with it. And, maybe once I am done with radiation..I will feel even better..who knows. It just will take time.
Kristin thank you for understanding what I was trying to get across. You are right our breasts are a part of out sexuality, they are part of how we percive ourselvs as sexy. I have several narly scars on my body and this is the only one that bothers me. I have not even showed my breast to my partner, and she is trying to be supportive of how i feel. I guess I should go ahead and show it with her but it is hard to do. Its very hard to be intamate when you dont feel sexy even if you do want to be intamat, if that makes sense, if it dont blame it on chemo brain.
thank you again
tj0 -
Tjhaytjhay said:Thank you
Kristin thank you for understanding what I was trying to get across. You are right our breasts are a part of out sexuality, they are part of how we percive ourselvs as sexy. I have several narly scars on my body and this is the only one that bothers me. I have not even showed my breast to my partner, and she is trying to be supportive of how i feel. I guess I should go ahead and show it with her but it is hard to do. Its very hard to be intamate when you dont feel sexy even if you do want to be intamat, if that makes sense, if it dont blame it on chemo brain.
thank you again
tj
Yes, I understand perfectly. I guess some others don't, which is fine. We are all different. I have a loving and wonderful husband who doesn't care about the lumpectomy scar or the radiation burn I have now. He loves me no matter what..I know that. It is ME that has the problem with it, not him. He says he doesn't even notice it, which, maybe he doesn't. But, to me..I see it. I know I will get past this. It has only been 2 months since my surgery, and, most scars almost fade away in a year. But, right now...it bothers me and nothing can stop that from happening. And Tjhay, when YOU are READY..you will show your partner. One day it will just seem like "the thing" to do. And, you will. We have just been given a blow to our ego's, to our body image, but, I know we will get past it. It just takes a little time for some of us. But, we will! Hugs to you THJAY!0 -
Its more than that
To me it is more than just a sexual issue. I had a double mastectomy, and I have implants in now. I plan to have reconstruction. I never seriously considered not doing reconstruction. To me breasts and hair are the most noticeable aspects of our bodies that differentiate male from female. They are a very significant part of the self-image for many of us. Nearly 1.5 years after surgery I am still self-conscious about the scars, but the way I have gotten over being nervous about things in the past is to "just do it" (Nike commercial), so I did the same with this. I behaved as though it did not bother me, and gradually I have become less bothered by reflection. I have a loving husband who is very accepting, and no-one else can see, so they don't count.
As others have said, each of us is individual, so what works for one may not work for another, but you might try looking in the mirror and thinking of all the reasons why the surgery was a good thing.
Take care of yourself, seof0 -
you are not alone
You are not the only one with intimacy problems. I had two mastectomies done at different times (the last one was in Sept. of last year) and when my husband and I have sex, I always wear something on top to 'cover up.' I just cannot bring myself to show my husband my reconstructed breasts. He and I have agreed that when I do the nipple tattooing in a few weeks, I will 'unveil' myself.
Actually, if both partners agree, what is wrong with covering up your top half during sex? You could even wear something lacey or frilly. Maybe everyone thinks I'm crazy for suggesting this.
Ohilly0 -
not crazyohilly said:you are not alone
You are not the only one with intimacy problems. I had two mastectomies done at different times (the last one was in Sept. of last year) and when my husband and I have sex, I always wear something on top to 'cover up.' I just cannot bring myself to show my husband my reconstructed breasts. He and I have agreed that when I do the nipple tattooing in a few weeks, I will 'unveil' myself.
Actually, if both partners agree, what is wrong with covering up your top half during sex? You could even wear something lacey or frilly. Maybe everyone thinks I'm crazy for suggesting this.
Ohilly
anything that helps the self esteem is a good thing, not crazy and if you are self conscious about your scars, you do whatever helps. We are all very sexual beings and our partners usually will adjust to just about anything as long as there is caring involved. I have had my husband watch all of the changes in my breast throughout the lump, partial mastectomy, staples, etc. That way we both adjusted to the changes together. Everyone has different ways of handling things, nothing is crazy as long as it works.
Cat0 -
HEY SWEETIE
HEY SWEETIE, give yourself time. Alot has happened and I personnally feel that if you are not comfortable, DONT DO IT. Love doesnt end if theres no intimacy for a while. I know I felt bald and ugly and disfigured. I wanted closeness but wouldnt accept or reach for it for a while. 2 years later..... Its all good. This too shall pass... love ya tami0 -
You are absolutely rightKristin N said:No offense Bill but...
there is no way you can understand what it is like for a woman. It isn't just society that makes our breasts part of our sexuality, or, at least to me. It is ME...my breasts make me feel sexy, make me feel womanly. ( if that is a word ) It doesn't matter what my wonderful, loving husband says or does to show me how sexy and desirable I still am. I have to feel it...ME..in MY mind. I had a lumpectomy, so, I feel lucky. But, even that bothers me. I am sure with time I will feel better with it. And, maybe once I am done with radiation..I will feel even better..who knows. It just will take time.
I can be a cancer survivor, I can even be a breast cancer survivor but I can never be a woman and understand the way that women handle all of this.
Didn't mean to offend you
Bill S.0 -
my brother is married to a witch in the Neatherlands (Holland)Cindy54 said:Your Fears...
Kristen... I can relate a little. I have been out of the dating scene for a long time. And I am not married. I am in no way ready to share what I am yet with a man. I have the breast scar and the stem to stern scar from the ovarian. And a 6 inch scar on my back from losing a piece of my spine. I have just got to the point where I feel comfortable with all of the scars. I can look in the mirror now and I don't cringe. It will take some time for you to get used to your new body.
I think for me it will take a very special man to share myself with. If I do decide to share at all. One that will look past the scars and into my heart. (Bill, do you have a brother?)
Kirsten, one day you will feel "sexy" again. At least to you. I am not a large woman and I had a lumpectomy. So that small lump has left quite a dent . So for the first time in my life, I got one of those push-up bras, I think you call them. That way I look pretty even on both sides. And I also have switched my taste in clothes. It has given me a new image. I guess what I am trying to say is, give it time. Try some new things that make you feel good about the new body that you are in.
Hugs, Cindy
sorry
This "new" picture is BC when I had a little hair0 -
Scar
I'm sorry but I cannot possibly look at my scar and see it as a 'badge of honor'. Maybe someday I will but I still hate it so much that I try not to look at it at all.
My 'womanhood' was VERY MUCH imbedded in my breasts. I was a 36DD prior to cancer. It took me 45 years to become comfortable with my own body and about the time I was able to accept it, I found out I had cancer. For some odd reason I was obsessed with losing my nipple. That bothered me more than losing my breast. My scars and lack of nipple have bothered me WAY more than they have bothered my husband. He doesn't seem to notice. He even plays with my implanted breast when we are intimate and he does know that I have no feeling in it. His lack of repulsion over the freakish (my thoughts) breast have actually helped me come to terms with the way it looks. I always wish that he were into slasher movies since I look like I've been in one too many, but he isn't.
Anyway.....just take it at your own pace. When you are ready, take that step. If you are never ready, that's okay too. You might find that with time you won't find it so repulsive but just be honest with you mate and deal with it in whatever way and time that you can. I suspect your partner will understand the emotions of it all.
God bless!
Rita0 -
First of all Bill, you lookBill.S said:I need spell check here
I can only speak for myself. IMHO momen put way too much emphesis on sexuality/desireability being linked to their breasts. Yes I know that our society has brainwashed us that way. Think about those countrys where women are always topless (with their breasts down around their knees) Do their men mind?
God created breasts to feed babies-plain and simple.
Men like to look at them 'cause we don't have them - right?-WRONG - ours are usually just smaller and don't produce milk. I know because I had a modified radical mastectomy-therefor I must have had a breast to remove.
Sensulaty [darn-where is that spell check thingy] is in your head,not your chest. A "sexy" woman is sexy in her head. A wonderfull lover is someone who gives from the heart- not her body.
You were fortuanite enough to only have a lumpectomy- what about the thousands of women who have had bilateral mastectomies. They are still sexy and desireable.
Now please turn around and let me see that sexy **** of yours.
Hugs and love
Bill S.
First of all Bill, you look so different in this picture--I wouldn't have recognized you. Second, the **** coment seems a bit forward!0 -
I agree, Kristin. I also hadKristin N said:No offense Bill but...
there is no way you can understand what it is like for a woman. It isn't just society that makes our breasts part of our sexuality, or, at least to me. It is ME...my breasts make me feel sexy, make me feel womanly. ( if that is a word ) It doesn't matter what my wonderful, loving husband says or does to show me how sexy and desirable I still am. I have to feel it...ME..in MY mind. I had a lumpectomy, so, I feel lucky. But, even that bothers me. I am sure with time I will feel better with it. And, maybe once I am done with radiation..I will feel even better..who knows. It just will take time.
I agree, Kristin. I also had a lumpectomy but was terrified before of the possibility of a mastectomy. I feel as you; my breasts are a part of my femininity/sensuality. They are part of being a female. A man can't possibly understand our perspective.0 -
Nope, not crazy. A sexyohilly said:you are not alone
You are not the only one with intimacy problems. I had two mastectomies done at different times (the last one was in Sept. of last year) and when my husband and I have sex, I always wear something on top to 'cover up.' I just cannot bring myself to show my husband my reconstructed breasts. He and I have agreed that when I do the nipple tattooing in a few weeks, I will 'unveil' myself.
Actually, if both partners agree, what is wrong with covering up your top half during sex? You could even wear something lacey or frilly. Maybe everyone thinks I'm crazy for suggesting this.
Ohilly
Nope, not crazy. A sexy camisole or bra could be just the thing to make you feel more comfortable.0 -
let's not be so hard on BillKristin N said:The "****" comment seems
The "****" comment by Bill seems typical chauvenistic male piggish...I am surprised by it myself, especially on this site. Sorry, but that is my opinion of it..take it or leave it.
Hey, let's not be so hard on Bill (just my opinion). He was obviously only joking and trying to make us feel better. His intentions were good, if not his delivery.
Ohilly0
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