Apr 01, 2009 - 2:49 pm
People, I'm not strong. My wife, the patient, handles this many, many times better than I do. All at once, I have my wife's old breast cancer come back, matasasized (sp?) into lung cancer. At the same time, my girlfriend (it's okay, my wife approved) decided she wanted to be more responsible for herself and "independent", so though she calls three or four times a day with her concerns and needs, and though we still see each other, she's not "there for me" when my wife's cancer is in the scariest phases, leaving me alone with it. I drug myself a lot, just to keep from the easiest solution, eating a bullet. But this is no good, tolerance grows, expenses grow, and we need to concentrate on my wife, not on me.
What I'd like to know is if anyone out there knows of a drug that my VA doctor might give me that will ease the pain. I'm sure some of you out there know exactly what's hitting me, we've been together 39 years, and I had what I thought was a firm deal with Jehovah that she'd outlive me. So I hope and pray for a remission, but the fear, the pain, it washes over me like big, big surf, it becomes the definition of life and each night I solemnly pray not to ever wake up again as I drug myself into sleep. This is no good. The VA is willing to handle the sleeping part by upping my Klonopin dose (it makes me sleep), but during the day I've got to find ways to remain alert, undepressed, and most importantly POSITIVE around my wife.
Has anyone any suggestions as to a substance I might ask either the MD or the shrink for that might make life bearable again? Opiates are out, they know I self-medicate and the idiot system would rather keep me on the streets than make it medically supervised (I have a medical condition myself.. but it doesn't matter, it's nothing compared to my wife's malady.. although not curable, it's not considered terminal, as they're calling her).
Any ideas out there?