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The releif has given way to dispair

aandj's picture
aandj
Posts: 33
Joined: Jan 2008

I have been read the posts relating to MR_Sad, and while I understand where everybody is coming from I cant seem to get past this dispair. I suppose it is about 6 weeks since my wife Angela died from ovarian Cancer and at the begining I was OK, relieved that see was no longer in pain. Nnow I just feel total desolation and dispair. Why did she go so quickely, I am angery with myself for not having spend more time with her during her fight, I was the only caregiver, bit now I wish I had spent every second of every day that she was ill rather than taking the dogs out for a walks or sitting down stairs while she was lying upstairs, I have all the time in the world now to do that. Some days I am fine, or part of the day but then I just feel totally lost and the hurt in the pit of my stomach just will not get less. All I can think of is I just want her back, I am all alone in our house, dont have any kids and the only thing keeping me from loosing it are our dogs. We were only 35, 3 years married, together for 7 and now I have to start all over again and dont know if I want to, I just dont know what to do with my life anymore. Angela was my wife but my best friend too and I miss her too much.

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

Aandj, I know its lonely, after my husband passed,we were soul mates of almost 28 years, knew him 30, it was like now what. He and I did everything together. Some how you find a way and time does help. I still miss him of course after 3 and half years but I know part of him is always with me. You don't need to feel guilty about not being there every second no matter what people need space and a break to regather their mental energy. I felt the same when I think of him being in hospital and I was there but had to take breaks away. I too have dogs who helped get me thru and I have family and friends. Some don't understand but you have to keep busy. I worked when my husband was alive and quit two years after he passed which the dr had told me I can't work no more but maybe should of went on disability before. Anyway it is hard but know there are people who care and try to fill the void with what you like to do. You will have good days and bad. I pray the bad days go away, Believe me I feel your pain. Try to enjoy and soon you will look at her photo and smile about the memories. We will all pass on someday and we will be together again.
I had told the story of my son saying when he passes he doesnt want anyone crying because he will be happy he will be with his dad. Until then he said I am with others I love.
Prayers and HUgs
Sandy

soccerfreaks's picture
soccerfreaks
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

You are entitled to your grief, of course, but I do not think deserve your guilt. You needed to take those breaks, to walk the dogs, to do whatever you needed to do to take care of yourself. Spending time with your wife 24/7 would not have been healthy for you and therefore would have made you a lesser caregiver/lovegiver for your wife. I am confident you would have felt guiltier had that been the case.

Do not beat yourself up over that. It is without merit.

Grief does not disappear overnight, of course, and may last for some time. In your case, based on the words and phrasing you use, in particular, I would advise that you at least consider some therapy of some sort. There is no magic cure for what you have experienced, what you are experiencing, but there are ACTIONS you can take to help yourself, and this is one to consider.

Another might be to turn your grief into action, by becoming involved in cancer-related, perhaps even ovarian cancer-related activities as a volunteer in your wife's memory: turn the grief into a positive, make it a lasting and positive ACTION on your wife's behalf.

I can assure you that simply accepting your current mental condition, without acting positively to rectify it, is going to do you absolutely no good.

Not to sound too harsh, sir, and certainly not to judge, but as I see it you can join the minority who seem to prefer to swim in their despair, even to enjoy it, or you can take ACTION to rejoin the living, not allowing cancer to take more than it already has, which, apparently, is nearly everything of meaning to you.

I doubt, sincerely, that your wife would want you to opt for the former.

Frankly, I hope to hear good news from you in that regard. In the meantime, my condolences on your loss, albeit belatedly.

Take care,

Joe

Terry_s wife
Posts: 21
Joined: Mar 2009

I lost my husband in June 2008; about 3 weeks after our 21st anniversary. We had been together for 26 years and like your wife he was my world. I too regretted not spending more time with him but came to realize that even if he had been well he would have been in his garage and me in the house. Don't get me wrong, we did things together and loved being together. Terry went through so much in 2.5 years that it was a relief to him when he was gone and pain to me. Now come the dogs - they are there unconditionally pain in the butt and all but they keep you grounded. You say some of the time you are fine but other times you hurt tremendously. It will get better but it takes time. At first I didn't want to leave our house - it was and is my comfort zone. It sounds really strange but there have been times that I have had my meltdowns and cried like a baby and all of the sudden smell his pipe tobacco and a calm comes. I have begun to get my house in order and found this website which helps. I also began seeing a doctor in January that really helped - he just let me talk and cry. I saw him last in Feb. and left it open when I see him again. Take it one day at a time and don't rush into starting over. Don't rush into major decisions either. One thing the doctor had me to do and I still do but not like I should - is journal. Sounds strange but writing your thoughts and feelings down really does help. You start out writing about the anger of your loss and then add in the good memories. Try it and you will surprise yourself. Keep the dogs handy - they will let you hold them and talk and never tell you what you should be doing. I don't know you're situation but the hardest thing I have had to deal with is not having the friends "we" had. I have two stepchildren that I have not heard from since Christmas which hurts but I know I did everything possible for their dad and have absolutely no regrets. You'll find your niche and peace but it will take time. Best wishes to your healing process. Paula

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Please don't think you are alone in your grief. We all carry it. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing you will ever do. And it is so easy after our loved one is gone to think about the what if's, why didn't I's, and should haves. I still find myself from time to time thinking that I could have, should have done more for my Mom and it is 2 years since she passed. I was also the only caregiver. I also took "little" breaks..to go to the grocery store or get prescriptions and run back home fast. Money was very tight for us. I can remember Mom saying take a few dollars and go and get yourself some Greek fries. Now mind you, this was a 2 bucks treat for me. Coming home I just started crying hard because I knew shw wanted to thank me in some way and this was it, and I also worried at what would happen while I was gone. We all have things that still bother us. But think about what your wife would want you to do. Would she want you to stop living and only grieve your days away? As hard as it is, we cry and then have to move on with our lives. That is our tribute to the ones we have loved. You will have a lot of hard days. Come here and share them with us. But keep moving. Is there an organization that could use some of your help...the local relay for life maybe. Are there any groups that get together to talk about thing...cancer support groups. Don't stop sharing or shut yourself off from the world. We are here. We have to make the best of it. I wish you better days...Cindy

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4606
Joined: Feb 2004

I am so very sorry for you loss, but it is going to take time to feel a semblance of normalcy. We all react to loss differently and it takes each of us a different amount of time to come to grips with our loss. I have lost both my sister (breast/ovarian) and my mom (breast/pancreatic) and I too assisted in the caregiving or lovegiving as I now prefer to refer to it as.

As a wife your words have tugged at my heart, please know that I am pretty sure your wife would not want you to feel such regret or remorse. It is truly impossible to be with our ill loved ones 24/7. Imagine if you had not taken time to recharge yourself how drained you may have become. Understand that when we do not allow ourselves a bit of time for us we run the risk of making mistakes in the care of our loved ones or we can become less kind due to lack of rest. Besides I am sure your lovely wife needed alone time as well for her thoughts. I know both my mom and my sister would ask for a bit of alone time and we honored that.

Reading your post gives me the impression that you need to express your emotions to someone who can help you sort through them (there is no shame in this) please seek out a clergyman or therapist to assist you during this truly rough time.

When you think of your wife remember her healthily and smiling, remember how much she loved you and know that she would want only good things for you.

Please let us know how you are doing, we are here to support you as we have been down similar paths.

My best to you,

RE

mstarkey
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2009

I lost my husband 1.5 years ago. we had been married for just 7 years and we were suppose to spend the rest of our lives together. I did the same thing you are dong beating yourself up for not spending every second by their side. I feel so guilty for the time I took to go out to dinner to get of the house, to go see family, or any of the other things I did. I did those things because I was about to lose my mind, I was so upset about my husband dying I sometimes just had to remove myself from the situation. It is OKAY. if you hadn't taken the time to walk the dogs or do things you did on your own you would have fallen apart and not been there for her at all.
The thought of starting all over again overwhelmed me also. I had been married before and divorced. I was thrilled to have found my husband and have a happy marriage, I was settled into our life and relieved that I had found a safe place in my life.

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1160
Joined: May 2008

Can relate my journey is just begining alone, it so hard Just this past week i feel myself getting more depressed my husbands harley will be going either back to the finance company or my brother in law either way knowing the harley will not be in the garage or ours anymore is making me so sad, maybe because angel loved his bike and riding together so much during his fight with colon cancer its like loosing another part of him and our life together. Does that make sense oh well Alot of things don't make sense to me right now . Take care, know you are not alone.

michelle

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