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Sadness and Lonlyness

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

How are you suppose to get past these terrible feeelings. My days are filled with so much Hurt and pain, I am finding it very difficult to get on with living. I feel such hate for everything. I have lost all the drive I have to do anything these days. The house is a mess, the laundry needs to be done, Don't really care. The Kids are gone most of the time. I guess all of us are dealing with this in our own way. I just feel such anger at everything. I have lost part of my soul and don't know how to get it back. Am I going nuts? I never had such hate in my heart, I always thought of my self as a pretty caring person, now I feel like I could care less about anything. I just don't know what to do!

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4630
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi Mr. Sad,

No, you are not going nuts you are in mourning. I lost my mom 9 years ago and my dad's reaction was much the same as yours is, even if he did his best to hide it from us. We were all out of the home so he was there alone. We visited often and would find broken mirrors and such and he would give us some silly reason things were getting broken. He too had a ton of laundry and a very dirty house which was way out of the ordinary for him. Us girls would stop by and help him out while he protested. :-) We all mourn differently and we each need our own amount of time to get past the horrible pain of it all. My dad's return to sanity came when he got back on his ride (years ago he raced motocross.) Of course at 68 racing was no longer for him so he went out bought a Harley and joined a club and immersed himself in the culture. Eventually he found his way but it took the better part of a year to just see a genuine smile on his face. He is much better now and has made new friends, his joy is family and riding along with his new little dog. When the anniversary of my mom's passing arrives he disappears for a few day's and we have come to understand he just needs some space. I am truly sorry for your loss, with time the rawness of the pain will ease and be replaced with the sweetness of your wife's memory. Wishing you all the best and sending my prayers your way!

RE

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

I just talked to my uncle on the phone. He lost my aunt before Christmas. I lost my husband 3 and half years ago to cancer and battling cancer myself. I told him time helps. I was tired exhausted and feel like a part of me was gone and sometimes still do. But my husband told me live one day at a time and make it simple. I myself being on chemo have trouble keeping up with house etc. I have my family help. I am not the type that likes others to do my cleaning but have to except that I need help. My husband had helped with everything but he also made me a strong person. And by me fighting and being around for our sons part of him is here too. I miss riding the bike with my husband. I sold the bike to my nephew and he gives me a ride at times. Yes your life is changed and it hurts but believe me time does help. You cry laugh and have tough times but remember the memories and what she helped you with. Remember she would want you to go on and do your best. Again I know it hurts. YOU will have good days and bad days and it is frustrating. She will always be with you she was a part of you. You keep busy with what you enjoy perhaps riding. Sometimes be with others. I still talk at joke about some of the things we use to do when talking to friends. It helps to talk and have someone listen and sometimes just being by yourself and crying or smiling. I hope you find relief. God Bless YOU
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

I hope you are right about time. Some days are harder than others. Thanks again
Floyd

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

I guess yesterday was espicially rough for me. Sorry to be venting all this pain on you guys. I did just start a load of laundry and maybe tomorrow I will try and start on the house. Some days are just so hard to get by. Thanks for your support and caring.
Floyd

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4630
Joined: Feb 2004

Floyd, no problem and no need to say you are sorry for venting we come here to support each other. I know if is difficult but please try to take it one day and sometimes one moment at a time. My best to you along with my prayers.

RE

Terry_s wife
Posts: 21
Joined: Mar 2009

I lost my husband on June 30, 2008 and thought my world ended. I too, did nothing. I have two dogs that did and still keep me grounded. Around my house I did just enough to get by - I didn't care and in all honesty am just now trying to put my house in order. One of our oncology nurses gave me the name of a doctor and said "you won't want him now but you will want him later.' I started seeing him the first of the year and can say it really helped. One thing he had me do was to start journaling. Writing really did help and still does. Think about everything that made you smile and don't be afraid to talk about your wife. I'm new to this forum but here to talk.

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

You are absolutely right. Talking about my husband. Remembering what we did and things he taught be got me thru. Three and half years later yes it still hurts but doing what I know he would be proud of and talking helps alot. I smile now more and thats what he would want for me to be happy.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

Today has been a lot better for me, I am finally starting to get caught up on my chores. I guess keeping busy does help. The more I just sit around the worse it is. Thanks to all my great friends here on the site for all you are doing for me. Now if I can figure out how to not be so lonly things will get better. How does anyone learn to live alone? It sure seams hard.
Floyd

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Hello Mr. Sad....My situation is a little different in that I lost my Mom 2 years ago to ovarian. I was her caregiver for the last 18 months of her life. I had spent so much of the last years of her life taking care of her that I lost "me". When she passed it was very hard for me to get used to her not being around to talk with or share my day's events with. I had got so used to her just being there. You know we all think our Moms will be around forever. Even now when something good happens I start to pick up the phone or think...when I get home Mom will love hearing about this. And she is not there. I also keep very busy. But it is a lonely job, this healing process. I guess if we just talk to otheres who are going through much of the same pain...a broken heart hurts just the same whether it was a spouse or a parent that was lost. It may not be the exact same pain but it is still pain. and we can all relate to having our hearts broken. I try to be busy. I try to take each day as it comes. Sometimes, it is down to taking each hour as it comes. But the time goes by. And I feel a little better as it does. I don't think our pain or lonliness will ever go away..it is a tribute to those we have loved so much.This is the first time I am living alone in my life...and I have no family left at all. So there is really no one to turn to most of the time. I do have friends, who all got on with their lives while I was busy being the caregiver. So it is very hard to re-connect at times. Most people are not ever meant to be/live alone. But sometimes it gives us the opportunity to try things that we might not if we were coupled/tied to someone else. I have so much freedom in my life now that I feel lost at times. I am slowly trying new things or just making small changes in my living environment or cooking. I am getting to know myself again. I went back to school, joined a church. I am slowly stepping out into the world. But it is not easy when you have lived a certain routine for so long. Maybe once we have mastered the art of being alone with ourselves and comfortable with our selves, then the lonliness will go away for good.I am hopeful. I wish that same hope for you. Cindy

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

I would go to my friends houses that my husband grew up with and we talk about him and some of the things he did that made us laugh. And yes kept busy. Like I said its been 3 and half years and yes I still miss him and you always will. But as time goes on so does our lives and we try to fill with things to do and what we enjoy. I have given my sons some of their fathers things and my nephews and friends. Also gave my brother some things. My husband Tom would of wanted that and I also kept things for myself. I wish I could take your pain away because I know how you feel. It is lonely but you have to fill the void with living and doing things you enjoy as I know Mr Sad YOUR wife, Terrys wife Your husband and Cindy your MOm would want. Me I think I will learn to ride the motorcycle go to a water park and take a 3 day vacation this year. If chemo allows. I can hear Tom now "oh woman make it simple but you can ride that bike." He was my encourager and I can still hear his words. We were married just short of 28 years. I can smile now at what I know what he would say. I pray the pain lessens and you smile with what you remember too.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

Terry_s wife
Posts: 21
Joined: Mar 2009

I don't know that you'll learn to live alone but you'll deal with being alone. I had everyone telling me that I needed to do this and that but I didn't want to. It's ironic now that all of those great advice givers are not around now. I took vacation this week to get things done at home and did accomplish some things but not as much as I wanted to. My last major accomplishment was getting liquid laundry soap up after the bottle fell off the cabinet when the washer was spinning. Of course it was the LARGE size with the pump that hadn't been opened yet! Another use for oil dry!!! That kinda threw a damper on my chores. I have learned this week that I really don't want to go back to work on Monday and all the stress. I may have to revisit that one. You said you needed to figure out how to not be so lonely - you have to make yourself do things. One thing I still have trouble with is the grocery store. Terry always said I didn't know how to cook for just 2; I was great with family get togethers; so now I cook for one - not. Mr. Sad you just take one day at a time. Tackle one room at a time. For me it has been almost a year and I am just getting to the point I want things to be done - but I can still see I have alot to do. Terry bought our house in 1972 with his first wife and kept it after the divorce. He was a packrat and kept EVERYTHING - his philosophy was "someone might need it". I know he is looking down and asking what am I going to do with it now. HA HA. I have two stepchildren that I have not heard from since Christmas. My daughter and her 2 children keep me busy on the weekends but my hardest time is the week nights. I don't have my routine. Slowly I'm getting better and now that the weather is warming up and the time changed I can get out on my patio. Of course today I could swim in my yard - it's still raining. Mr. Sad just keep your head up and think of all the good times. Take a day at a time. paula

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

I still make too much food. My sons live on their own. I make too much then freeze it. I give them some sometimes. Tom and I had our house for sale when he passed I sold it the following summer, I moved just north of his home town near our friends. I am doing what we were going to do anyway. My yard was a mess but now its finally dried up sons coming to help me clean up. Keep on keepin on and as I said time does help.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

zahalene's picture
zahalene
Posts: 680
Joined: Nov 2005

about getting through the mundane chores of life.
It might help to make a few note cards or such, each one containing just two necessary jobs that must get done in the course of a week. Then each day when you get up decide on a time block for one 'card' to get started and then finished and then moved to the bottom of the stack. This way you have a definite plan instead of telling yourself you'll do that 'after awhile'. The rest of the day is for being good to yourself and doing what helps you get through. At the end of the week all the necessary stuff has been done. And don't forget to give yourself one WHOLE day of rest. (It worked out ok for God :) .

MichelleRee
Posts: 4
Joined: Mar 2009

Hi... my husband died almost four years ago (June 6, 2005), and I look back at what I expected of myself even in the days just after his death - and it was too much. I was raised in a military household where feelings had nothing to do with actions (we were told), and I thought, somehow, that I should function like a normal person, get things done, "be strong," and I was hard on myself when the grief paralyzed me. I didn't look at myself as a person going through trauma. That is what you are, a person going through trauma. You are going to feel all kinds of things for awhile... and you need to let yourself feel those things. I'm not encouraging you to act out toward others in negative ways, to vent your pain; I'm just saying let your feelings be your feelings - and if you have a spiritual life of some kind, ask whatever Source you understand to help you, and even give you relief from pain. (I didn't learn to do this until a couple of years after my husband died, and I must tell you that every time I asked for help, every time I asked for relief, it came. I can't explain it. It just came.)

You are in the anger stage of grief; it's a normal part of the process. Some of us spend a lot of time there; some of us less. I don't know why, but I did not spend a great deal of time in anger - I spent most of my time bargaining with God in the two years before he died and got mired in pain and paralysis afterward (like moving through wet concrete with a knife in my heart)... everyone is different. Every relationship is different. We're all in different places when it happens...

I remember watching my husband's agony (he had a very difficult, prolonged death) and praying, at the end, that he would be able to die. It felt like every breath was a prayer that it would be over. Then, when he died, I just wasn't ready. I wanted to catch his spirit before it left in my arms.

I suppose what I'm saying is this: don't expect things to make sense. Don't expect yourself to make sense... and by the way, my teen daughter spent a great deal of time being very active, spending time with friends, etc., after her father died, and I have to say, she was able to grieve through it (she's told me now about talking about her dad and crying through the night with friends). Almost four years later, there is still pain in her heart at times, there always will be, but she is a healthy, whole, happy young woman who can talk about her dad with peace and joy.

I'm just sending you so much love right now, and prayer...

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

Good Morning Ladies:
I slept very well, for a welcomed change last night. I am having my coffee this morning, re-reading all of your post. As I read all of your post last night, It touched my heart and for some reason I did not feel quite so alone. Each one of you have brought a joy to my heart this morning that is hard to explain. I can feel each of you, Maybe sometimes Jesus helps each of us connect in ways we canot understand. I have tears of joy in my eyes as I write this to each of you. I know Each of you know and understand my pain. To have such good friends that truly care about me is very comforting. Thanks to each of you for Caring, may you all have a wonderful day. We must all just Keep on Keeping on. Lots of Love to each and every one of you.
Floyd

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

That was a nice message thank you. I have to tell this story of my son. He and I were talking about what he wanted when I pass on. Then I looked at him and said what if you pass on first? He looked at me, he is ADHD borderline IQ, and said "Mom if I go first I don't want anyone coming to my funeral crying, No one, because I will be happy I will be with DAD." The way he said it made me laugh and smile. So guess he knows hes going to heaven. Floyd again thanks for the nice message and maybe I will get on that Harley this summer if my strength builds up.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4630
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi Floyd,

I was just checking this thread to see how you are doing, I am so glad things are a little bit better. Know that you continue to be in my prayers.

Many Hugs,

RE

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