Not sure what to do...
I had mastectomy last August. Finished chemo in December. Just finished rad three weeks ago. I still go for Herceptin infusions every three weeks until late Fall.
I have "peach fuzz" growing on my head. My eyebrows and eyelashes are back.
And my family thinks and acts as though it is all behind me now, and I can get back to my "old self".
They were all wonderful during treatment. Very caring and supportive. Very helpful.
Now that I'm pretty much finished with that, all of the housekeeping, laundry, cooking, shopping...the usual things, have become my responsibility again. I'm not complaining! I know that many, many survivors do all of that, plus hold down a job.
My problem is that after just a few hours, I get so exhausted! And I can't always finish things.
If I apologize that supper is not on the table when it should be, I get a blank stare. Like...why not?
I adore my grandkids. Love them beyond words. And I love to spend time with them.
But now that I don't have to be going for treatments, I am asked to babysit...a lot.
Which I don't mind doing. Until I become so tired, about halfway through the day. Then just staying in an upright position is a challenge for me. If I say no, I am not up to keeping them, I first of all feel guilty, and secondly, I am usually told that there is nobody else to watch them...
I have talked to my family. Told them straight out that I am not back to "normal just yet. That I still get very tired after a few hours of activity.
They say yes, they understand. But they still expect the same from me.
I just don't know how I can get it across to them any better than I already have tried. Maybe the more I look like my old self...except for the missing breast, the more they think I AM my old self.
I end up feeling guilty and as though I have failed all of them if I can't meet their expectations. I keep thinking that maybe I should be further along, because they think I should be.
It's very frustrating for me!
Should I be more "back to normal" by now? Is it just that I have gotten into the habit of resting during the day for the past several months?
I just don't know how to reach a compromise regarding what they think I can do...and what I actually can do.
Thank you for listening.
CR
Comments
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Your body has been through incredible stress the past few months!!!!! It takes time for it to heal and rebuild strength. Some of us are still tired 10 years after chemo and grandchildren are exhausting. You probably know your limits. I remember some years back that I knew if I had a lot going on one day that I needed to keep the following day open to recuperate. I am not that bad now but I do need more sleep than I did years ago. I have grandchildren and if I offer to watch them for 8 hours I know that it will be hard on me. Don't do more than you are comfortable with.0
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I agree
You have been through a lot. You have had major surgery and months of poison in your body. Your body had to fight the cancer, heal itself from surgery, and keep from being killed by the chemo. It took a long time for all that to happen, it will take a long time to recover. You are a cancer survivor, which is something to be proud of, but it means you are not the same person you were before you became a survivor. In many ways you are still you, but you have to learn to be a new you. The emotional stress takes a physical toll too. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Stick to your guns and do what you feel able to do. You might try saying something to the effect that you love your family and the grandkids and you want to be your best when you are with them, and that requires more down time than before. Maybe you could try to contact the local American Cancer Society in your area to see if you could meet other grandparents in your area who are survivors to see how they cope, or they might know someone who can come to your house on days when the grandkids are there to help you out for an hour or so to let you get a nap, or the helper could do the cooking and cleaning to allow you to focus on spending time with the kids. Come to think of it, maybe you could ask the family if they could all pitch in and pay for a part-time person to come help you with those things to give you more energy to focus on the family.
I don't know, I feel like I am rambling, so I'll stop. Hope you get it worked out, seof0 -
Not Feeling Quite up to par yet???? Shame On you! LOL
It isn't a question of you not loving your family, or not wanting to be "your old self" again. I often use childbirth as an analogy...how tired are new moms, anyway? After carrying a child for 9 months, and then labor, almost no one expects a new mom to do everything again! Moms are told to nap when the baby naps, conserve energy, etc, etc. And this is all due to something NORMAL, NATURAL, and generally a cause for celebration!!! How much longer does it take the body to recuperate if there was a C-section, or multiple births involved????
Cancer, on the other hand is neither normal nor natural. And I needn't mention that neither is chemotherapy or radiation. For crying out loud~ you have done battle with a potentially life-threatening disease, followed by surgery, then poison coursing through your body, and enough radiation to make you glow in the dark. And just because you now have peach fuzz you shouldn't be tired????
If you know of the Harry Potter series, CSN is our Hogwarts; we are the Wizards, and those on the outside, those who just don't "get it", are the Muggles. It isn't so much that they are opposed, or our enemies. Indeed many Muggles are family and friends. But they still don't get quite who we are, or why we are who we are! They no doubt think that Cancer was Then, and this is Now...so get on with it! Easier said than done, isn't it?
You will simply, in the kindest way possible, have to tell them you are just toooo tired to be back to where you once were yet. Your body is still healing from the assault of conquering the Beast. Most likely they will come around...and you will also be getting stronger with the passage of time.
Or...print out the page with our responses on it! Pass it around at the dinner table~ it should make for lively discussion, at the very least! :-)
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
Not Feeling Quite up to par yet???? Shame On you! LOL
It isn't a question of you not loving your family, or not wanting to be "your old self" again. I often use childbirth as an analogy...how tired are new moms, anyway? After carrying a child for 9 months, and then labor, almost no one expects a new mom to do everything again! Moms are told to nap when the baby naps, conserve energy, etc, etc. And this is all due to something NORMAL, NATURAL, and generally a cause for celebration!!! How much longer does it take the body to recuperate if there was a C-section, or multiple births involved????
Cancer, on the other hand is neither normal nor natural. And I needn't mention that neither is chemotherapy or radiation. For crying out loud~ you have done battle with a potentially life-threatening disease, followed by surgery, then poison coursing through your body, and enough radiation to make you glow in the dark. And just because you now have peach fuzz you shouldn't be tired????
If you know of the Harry Potter series, CSN is our Hogwarts; we are the Wizards, and those on the outside, those who just don't "get it", are the Muggles. It isn't so much that they are opposed, or our enemies. Indeed many Muggles are family and friends. But they still don't get quite who we are, or why we are who we are! They no doubt think that Cancer was Then, and this is Now...so get on with it! Easier said than done, isn't it?
You will simply, in the kindest way possible, have to tell them you are just toooo tired to be back to where you once were yet. Your body is still healing from the assault of conquering the Beast. Most likely they will come around...and you will also be getting stronger with the passage of time.
Or...print out the page with our responses on it! Pass it around at the dinner table~ it should make for lively discussion, at the very least! :-)
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
They just don't get it.chenheart said:Not Feeling Quite up to par yet???? Shame On you! LOL
It isn't a question of you not loving your family, or not wanting to be "your old self" again. I often use childbirth as an analogy...how tired are new moms, anyway? After carrying a child for 9 months, and then labor, almost no one expects a new mom to do everything again! Moms are told to nap when the baby naps, conserve energy, etc, etc. And this is all due to something NORMAL, NATURAL, and generally a cause for celebration!!! How much longer does it take the body to recuperate if there was a C-section, or multiple births involved????
Cancer, on the other hand is neither normal nor natural. And I needn't mention that neither is chemotherapy or radiation. For crying out loud~ you have done battle with a potentially life-threatening disease, followed by surgery, then poison coursing through your body, and enough radiation to make you glow in the dark. And just because you now have peach fuzz you shouldn't be tired????
If you know of the Harry Potter series, CSN is our Hogwarts; we are the Wizards, and those on the outside, those who just don't "get it", are the Muggles. It isn't so much that they are opposed, or our enemies. Indeed many Muggles are family and friends. But they still don't get quite who we are, or why we are who we are! They no doubt think that Cancer was Then, and this is Now...so get on with it! Easier said than done, isn't it?
You will simply, in the kindest way possible, have to tell them you are just toooo tired to be back to where you once were yet. Your body is still healing from the assault of conquering the Beast. Most likely they will come around...and you will also be getting stronger with the passage of time.
Or...print out the page with our responses on it! Pass it around at the dinner table~ it should make for lively discussion, at the very least! :-)
Hugs,
Claudia
I agree with Claudia. Your family just does not get it. They don't understand just how exhausting and assaulting cancer and its treatments are. Nevermind the emotional and physical toll that 6-12 months of intense shock, fear and worry causes. In my opinion they are being extremely insensitive and selfish---there, I said it.
You have just barely finished chemo for goodness sakes. I finished chemo in November 06 and it took more than a year for me to start feeling back to my old self again and even longer for my blood counts to return to a "normal" level. I have read many times that it takes as long for you to recover as you were in treatment and often longer. People just can't understand how devastating cancer is unless they have walked in our shoes.
Your family needs to think less about their own selfish needs and have more empathy for their mother and grandmother. Sorry if that sounds harsh but their behavior makes me mad.
Bless you, Eil0 -
Ask for help! I had my last
Ask for help! I had my last chemo in september, then another reconstruction surgery procedure in December. I'm just now getting to the point of "feeling normal"... not getting exhausted just doing normal things.... The best thing is having people to help you with house cleaning and food.... it was a tremendous help for me....I cook enough on Sundays for all week/left overs(4 kids).... it saves time during the week.... I'm feeling great now. I have one surgery to go, then the nipple reconstruction and tattooing... so I feel like I'm in the home stretch.... just painted my living room, and I wasn't too tired after...:) hang in there... don't do more than you feel like you can...
good luck!
c0 -
Two suggestions for you
CR
I have two suggestions for you. One, print out exactly what you just wrote. It covers all that they should be made aware of. It is well written and expresses what you are feeling and how they have been reacting really well. You may need to draw the line for them, if they can't. This may mean delegating some of your household tasks. If they were sharing this responsibility before then insist that they continue. It can take a lot longer than a couple of weeks post rads to be up to snuff. Done with treatment doesn't mean finished and back to good as new. And as far as babysitting, do only what you can. Obviously someone took up the babysitting slack when you were unable to. Don't let them guilt trip you even if that isn't their intent. Tell them how long and how often you are up to this and emphasis that if you are not feeling 100% then watching the grandchildren could be a safety issue. My other suggestion is that if they can't relate to this from you, get one of them, hubby, daughter, son whoever to go with you to the doctor and have them explain that a full recovery takes longer than this. Maybe having the doctor explain what an assault your body has undergone will help. I think that sometimes friends and family want us doing all we did before and bright eyed and cheerful to reassure themselves that we are okay now. If we are still tired or feeling the effects of treatment then we are still ill, still in danger and that worries them. That's not really the case. We are just trying to get our bodies and minds strong again and that can take awhile after surgery, chemo and rads. I didn't have chemo so I can't speak to its after effects but my sister did and I know how exhausted she still is. She completed her rads three weeks ago and she is still definitely feeling tired and needs to rest more now. I just completed rads Thursday and I worked only 6 hours a day and every day for the last week I came home and napped. Next week I am starting back full time but my office told me if I need to go back to the 6 hours I can. I am lucky that my husband helps out around the house. He always has but he pitched in even more during this time. He knows that I will speak up and tell him if I need more help. Remember it is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil, so don't be afraid to squeak. Let them know you are a survivor and you are recovering but that you are 100% and you still need their help. Hope this helps and I hope they get the message. Our families love us but Moms are so often the strength in the family. It is easy to fall back into the "Mom can do it, she can do everything" mode. Tell them you aren't Wonder Woman yet, but you are working on it.
Stef0 -
Thank you!
Thank you so much! I was thinking that maybe I was just being lazy, or had gotten into the habit of resting while undergoing treatment. I was blaming myself for "hitting a wall" after a few hours.
Knowing that I would get tired, I also tried to hurry to get as much done as possible, instead of pacing myself...I see that now.
What I have to learn to do is just say...no, I can't. Not today.
And one of my big fears is that I will fall asleep when the grandkids are here, under my care. Sometimes, I even try to stay on my feet and not get comfortable because I know that I might doze off.
Just to know that I'm not being lazy or unreasonable is a huge relief to me! That wearing out is a normal part of healing yet.
I will try to talk to them once again. Maybe it could be worked out that I watch the kids for half a day, instead of all day. And maybe a quick bowl of soup and a sandwich for dinner will suffice once in awhile.
I guess it's just the mindset that they want to put it all behind us now that treatment is over. I will have to make them understand that it isn't all over quite yet.
Thank you again for affirming that I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary!
Hugs to all of you!
CR0 -
I am always suspicious ofunknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
I am always suspicious of posts like these. Although I am not against alternative medicine (in fact, very supportive of integrative medicine and Chinese medicine as complementary to traditional western medicine), one should never trust a claim of a complete cure, especially one that can be done through "unlimited distances." This does not make sense. How can you cure someone without even meeting? And what does it mean that he does not cure "homosexual AIDS" now? Most likely, becoming this person's "student" involves a fee, false claims, and fraud. The moderators should delete this post.0 -
'Splain, please!mimivac said:I am always suspicious of
I am always suspicious of posts like these. Although I am not against alternative medicine (in fact, very supportive of integrative medicine and Chinese medicine as complementary to traditional western medicine), one should never trust a claim of a complete cure, especially one that can be done through "unlimited distances." This does not make sense. How can you cure someone without even meeting? And what does it mean that he does not cure "homosexual AIDS" now? Most likely, becoming this person's "student" involves a fee, false claims, and fraud. The moderators should delete this post.
Mimi..have I completely lost my mind? It is a distinct possibility, as I have no idea what you are referring to! I have read and re-read this thread and posts, and I am still in the dark? What am I missing???? Or did this answer end up being cyber-tossed onto the wrong thread????
Huh? and Hugs!
Claudia0 -
You are right!chenheart said:'Splain, please!
Mimi..have I completely lost my mind? It is a distinct possibility, as I have no idea what you are referring to! I have read and re-read this thread and posts, and I am still in the dark? What am I missing???? Or did this answer end up being cyber-tossed onto the wrong thread????
Huh? and Hugs!
Claudia
NO, the original post went away! I guess the moderators removed it, like I asked, or the poster erased it. Someone who had signed up today posted that she knew of an elderly healer who could heal cancer without even meeting you. You just had to sign up to be this man's "student" and he would determine how much "treatment" you needed. Oh, and he only cured cancer up to "level 3.5" whatever that means and would not treat "homosexual AIDS." Anyway, I hate to see these people try to prey upon cancer patients, so I protested. The post went away. Sorry to alarm you. I was NOT commenting on any of the above posts.0 -
Snake Oilmimivac said:You are right!
NO, the original post went away! I guess the moderators removed it, like I asked, or the poster erased it. Someone who had signed up today posted that she knew of an elderly healer who could heal cancer without even meeting you. You just had to sign up to be this man's "student" and he would determine how much "treatment" you needed. Oh, and he only cured cancer up to "level 3.5" whatever that means and would not treat "homosexual AIDS." Anyway, I hate to see these people try to prey upon cancer patients, so I protested. The post went away. Sorry to alarm you. I was NOT commenting on any of the above posts.
I guessed as much, but I needed to be certain~ my brain isn't what it once was, and even then, it probably wasn't too good! :-)
Preying on the innocent; dispicable indeed. It's a good thing I just won the Nigerian Lottery, isn't it? All I had to do was send in my PIN and other pertinent information, and I am inheriting $10 MILLION! I didn't even know I had relatives in Africa, much less ones who would leave me money!!! So, if I need further healthcare, I won't need to rely on internet hucksters, I will have my Nigerian millions! Just ask, I will be more than happy to share with you, too! If you give me YOUR banking info, I will deposit money in your account as soon as mine arrives, ok??????
However do these ppl sleep at night?
Thanks for your outrage!!!
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
Hee heechenheart said:Snake Oil
I guessed as much, but I needed to be certain~ my brain isn't what it once was, and even then, it probably wasn't too good! :-)
Preying on the innocent; dispicable indeed. It's a good thing I just won the Nigerian Lottery, isn't it? All I had to do was send in my PIN and other pertinent information, and I am inheriting $10 MILLION! I didn't even know I had relatives in Africa, much less ones who would leave me money!!! So, if I need further healthcare, I won't need to rely on internet hucksters, I will have my Nigerian millions! Just ask, I will be more than happy to share with you, too! If you give me YOUR banking info, I will deposit money in your account as soon as mine arrives, ok??????
However do these ppl sleep at night?
Thanks for your outrage!!!
Hugs,
Claudia
I am also the recipient of money from Nigeria. Except mine was from the royal family trying to flee the country. Still waiting for my check. We are both millionaires! How wonderful.0 -
Hi Mimimimivac said:You are right!
NO, the original post went away! I guess the moderators removed it, like I asked, or the poster erased it. Someone who had signed up today posted that she knew of an elderly healer who could heal cancer without even meeting you. You just had to sign up to be this man's "student" and he would determine how much "treatment" you needed. Oh, and he only cured cancer up to "level 3.5" whatever that means and would not treat "homosexual AIDS." Anyway, I hate to see these people try to prey upon cancer patients, so I protested. The post went away. Sorry to alarm you. I was NOT commenting on any of the above posts.
I saw that post and thought to myself "what is the dif. between aids and homosexual aids" I knew something was not right.Thanks for protesting. These scammers make me mad when they prey on cancer patients still trying to learn!!!
Me, you and Moopy will have one more down soon...here's to us and hope we have the easiest treatment and side-effects ever!P.S my check from Niagra is in the mail!
Hugs
jackie0 -
I get a lot of that stuff onmimivac said:Hee hee
I am also the recipient of money from Nigeria. Except mine was from the royal family trying to flee the country. Still waiting for my check. We are both millionaires! How wonderful.
I get a lot of that stuff on my work computer. They send out these emails but when you reply they go somewhere entirely different. Hence the 4000 emails I received that shut down part of our system. I was receiving all sorts of info from people all over the world and you'd be surprised at what they will tell you if they think they are receiving $. Then there were others that knew it was a scam and sent me their verbal abuse. It was actually quite funny and entertaining.0 -
Hey Jackie!rjjj said:Hi Mimi
I saw that post and thought to myself "what is the dif. between aids and homosexual aids" I knew something was not right.Thanks for protesting. These scammers make me mad when they prey on cancer patients still trying to learn!!!
Me, you and Moopy will have one more down soon...here's to us and hope we have the easiest treatment and side-effects ever!P.S my check from Niagra is in the mail!
Hugs
jackie
Hope you are doing well after your 4th treatment. Almost there! Check in when you can. Don't let the snake oil salemen get you down!0 -
One More Downrjjj said:Hi Mimi
I saw that post and thought to myself "what is the dif. between aids and homosexual aids" I knew something was not right.Thanks for protesting. These scammers make me mad when they prey on cancer patients still trying to learn!!!
Me, you and Moopy will have one more down soon...here's to us and hope we have the easiest treatment and side-effects ever!P.S my check from Niagra is in the mail!
Hugs
jackie
Hey, Jackie. I was thinking of you today. One more treatment done, one less ahead. Mimi and I will be right behind you on Friday. Wishing for you tonight that easier treatment and side effects. Take care of yourself, and drop a line when you feel like it. Good luck to everyone having treatments coming up. We are making it!0 -
After my "ordeal" with the
After my "ordeal" with the beast I found my self saying.."I am FRAGILE". I offer you these words because for some reason they were incredibly comforting to me. I am fragile. I must be handled with care. I can not always be expected to bounce back, get thrown around, deal with scary things and come up smiling. Something inside me just loves the words and that same something has mentioned it might be a good idea to hang on to them, even after I have regained my strength. It is a good way to go, treating yourself as something fragile...like fine china. Actually, china is less likely to break than ceramicware, but it is so beautiful we consider it fragile. Beautiful like us. Take good care of your self. Love, Joyce0
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