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Scared

Pnktopaz10
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2008

Ok~ I have been avoiding trying to think about my PET scan tomorrow along with the oncologist visit but I am really scared. I am so afraid that there is still cancer and that I will have to go through all the chemo and radiation again or a bone morrow transplant. I feel fine~but I felt fine when the cancer was found. I feel like screaming. I think that I would rather not know. I have been trying to keep busy and not think about it but it is not working. This time tomorrow I will have had the PET scan done and will be waiting for the results. Yikes but I am scared.

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

I don't have a simple answer for making you feel better. Its a very stressful time most of us have been through. I hope there is someone with you that will give you that needed hug. I will be praying that things come out ok for you. Slickwilly

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

We are all hoping for the best outcome Possible for you . You are in our thoughts and prayers. No mater what the doctor tells you, We will be here with you on this long and tough journey. We want to help in any way we can. For now lets just hope for the best. Please keep us up with your results. We really care about you.
Your Friend
Floyd

nsquirrely
Posts: 50
Joined: May 2007

I think we all can relate to the stress and concerns that dominate every thought concerning a visit to the oncologist or pending tests and results. I wish I had the knowledge to give you on how to handle it. I am due to see my oncologist next week and every day as the time gets closer it adds stress and worry to my life. It seems like it is something that we all will live with now. I just try to deal with each day as it comes. I sincerely hope that everything goes well for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please, let us know how things turn out.
Hugs and prayers
Shirley

Pnktopaz10
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2008

Thank you all for your support and caring. My oncologist visit went well and there is no evidence of disease~~Cancer free!! I am so relieved! Do not have to return for three months. What great news! I am going to enjoy every day and a friend told me to do something everyday that makes me happy. I think that is wonderful advice and I will do just that. I love this board and the people on it! Everyone rocks! Thank you Pnktopaz10

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Pnktopaz10. That is great news. It seems that sometimes we have to struggle for some good news on the discussion boards. Enjoy each day you have been given because you can't get it back. Go out and hug all your friends. They might not understand but we sure do. Hugs to you Slickwilly

Pnktopaz10
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2008

Good advice Slickwilly! I feel like I have a whole new lease on life. Never mind the other issues~I can deal with them but cancer free are the best words in the english language. Off to give hugs! Pnktopaz

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

Fantastic, Awesome news. That is really great Pnktopaz. I am so happy for you and may the news continue forever.
As Always Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Congrats kiddo. Fan freakin tastic news. Oh I am so happy for you. Hope you went out and celebrated your butt off. Great to hear. Now you are free to get out there and boogey. Congrats again Pink, couldn't happen to a nicer person. Hugs and blessings, Blueroses

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

You were perfectly fine all along, but as "we" all know, cancer has a way of keeping us in a permanent state of waiting for that next shoe to drop. Every headache, every constipation, every sore throat becomes that shark back in the water ready to devour our hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. I wonder how many undiagnosed people are living their lives oblivious to what they have in store? I wonder if "we" are the more fortunate ones because we "know the drill" and are, therefore, more prepared, like seasoned veterans, ready to re-engage "the enemy"?

However, "Cancer" does not live in a cave, like a terrorist, somewhere in Pakistan, it lives within us, like a demon, ready for "repossession", if we let our guard down, at least that's the way it feels sometimes. But your cause for worry is behind you now and celebration is very much in order. Sometimes you just gotta say "WTF!" and do whatever you have been denying yourself.

Love, Courage, and Congratulations!

Rick

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

Rick, that's a great analogy, about cancer not living in a cave like a terrorist, but within us. I definitely feel that way sometimes. I hate waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can't help it. My mother advised me not go into this website anymore. But do I do what my mother tells me to do all the time? No. She feels that I get too many ideas from here. When I go into the ovarian cancer section (which I do everyday) I read about women whose cancer has recurred. I read about the symptoms of recurrance. But I'd rather be informed so I know what I'm up against. If it did come back I wouldn't just ignore the symptoms and pretend everything is fine. That's what got me in trouble the first time. I ended up at stage 3c. I also mentioned to my mother that I would like to take a small vacation this summer. Right away she said that I have to save my money in case something happens and I can't work. So I told her that it wouldn't be a big, expensive vacation but that if the cancer did come back and I was too sick to take a trip, I'd regret not having gone someplace I've always wanted to go. Getting abit off the subject of myself, just read that Peter Tork of the former Monkees now has cancer. I had a crush on him while in grade school.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

My one tumor marker tests in the above normal range in a rare anomaly my specialist called "floating AFP". For years, I have (knock-on-wood) shown no physical signs of tumor, but having this high marker is unnerving, to say the least. Your mom isn't all wrong, sometimes a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing, especially when something in someone else's experience hits too close to home, making "you" obsess needlessly. Your mom loves you and only wants to protect you from worry. Ya gotta love moms for stuff like that!

I have crushes on both Sheryl Crow and Christina Applegate!

Love and Courage!

Rick

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

Rick, I've had 2 abnormal paptests in the last few months (ASCUS) and they want to take another one on my next checkup in May. But my tumor marker tests are fine. However, when I read on the ovarian cancer site about women who had their cancer spread, had tumors show up on CT scans in the same area as where they are seeing the abnormal cells on my paptest....Well, I probably am obsessing needlessly because, after all, they are not cancer cells (yet.) My mother had breast cancer 20 years ago and I remember how she obsessed when she had symptoms that could have been a sign of the cancer spreading. It was all for nothing because it never came back. I never thought I'd be this way. I never was overly concerned about my health, didn't even go in for a checkup for many years until I ended up at the age of 51 in the ER, put in a room, had surgery the next day for stage 3c ovarian cancer. My mother used to bug me to get a checkup! I wasn't afraid of getting a checkup--I just figured if it isn't broken, don't fix it. I felt fine. Now I don't trust that anymore. However, thanks for reminding me to listen to my mother sometimes, especially when she could be right. I have 2 daughters and I know for a fact they don't listen to me all the time.

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4622
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi Pnk,

I just saw your post and read down that you have gotten your results and you are currently cancer free!!!! I am so happy for you, those of two of my favorite words (cancer free). Hope your weekend is filled with joy and free of worry.

My best to you!

RE

Pnktopaz10
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2008

You guys rock! How supportive everyone is! I am still celebrating! This wake up call has gotten me to get back in contact with friends from the past and I as so very glad. Still have the side effects of the chemo and radiation but who cares? One thing that I have been doing is being a cancer buddy to anyone I know who has cancer. I have one person right now and she is just starting out on her chemo journey. One thing that I have learned from this board is that support and caring makes all the difference! Hugs, Pnktopaz

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

This is a common reaction Pink. I have heard it over and over from those who have gone through cancer, after they are finished with it all and some who still battle it in fact. They have this deep pull to give back and help others - in all sorts of volunteer situations. That is a fascinating part of cancer survivorship to me - this pull to give back. I am sure you will make a terrific mentor Pink. Blessings, Blueroses.

Pnktopaz10
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2008

Thanks Blueroses. I know how important this board and the support is to me. I have learned that if you reach out there are people there to help. How are you doing? It is looking like spring here in MO. Hugs Pnktopaz

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I am still 'doing' so that's something. lol. Still in the twilight zone of postponed surgeries but hopefully this week will bring answers - she says optimistically. It is looking like Spring here too in Ontario Canada. I have two big fields in front of me that are usually all covered with snow but due to milder temps. you can see brown grass now in spots and little mini lacks of melted snow here and there. Sun is shining like crazy so I think I can leave my balcony doors opened this afternoon for some nice fresh Spring air. Looks like a nice day. Hugs, Blueroses.

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

Advice from my oncologist whos dad died of cancer so my dr retired early at 60 and took his wife places, doesn't look over 40. He said, Go places and do things as much as you can as Dreamdove I too want to take a few days vacation. I know we all keep it back of our minds and ask whats going to happen next. But we don't know and should do what we can and enjoy life. We may not be able to have money for a big vacation or physically do certain things but I am going somewhere tired or not and I hope all get to do something this year.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Enjoying our life as best we can. Today I threw my pain into the wind. My cousin and I put on snowshoes and backpacks. We hiked through the woods and down a frozen river. We climbed up a rather large bank and found a place to sit. In the middle of spruce, birch and pine trees and on top of 3 feet of snow it was so quite you could hear your heartbeat. We gathered some birch bark and lit a fire using a flint. Not because we didn't have matches but because we enjoy the challenge. We had coffee and donuts in a place nobody else has proubly set foot on. I am sure my body will tell me later that I pushed things too far. But the pain will not take away the memory. It was awesome. Slickwilly

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

That sounds great. Hopefully in a couple months I will go on my adventure. I have been sitting around in one of those blah moods, but your post is getting me motivated. Got chemo this week I guess thats why I am blah. It sounds really great what you did. Sometimes when we push ourselves it makes us a good tired and we sleep better. HOpe you don't have pain.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

Green, last summer I went on a little adventure and this summer I hope to also. Nothing too big or expensive. I always wanted to go on a "real" train trip, not one of those going from Milwaukee to Chicago or someplace like that. So my daughter and I went on the Amtrak to Denver. I also always wanted to eat in the dining car and that's what we did. We also sat in the viewing car and looked out those big windows at the scenery going by. Sure, we had to sleep in our seats and suffer some big delays in which the train just sat on the track for hours at a time (our train was delayed coming into Denver 11 hours.) Sure we weren't prepared for the air conditioning and didn't bring blankets or jackets along. Sure we ended up eating alot of salty snacks and longed for fruit but couldn't get any. But I will never regret the trip. So whatever I decide this year for another small trip, I'd like to do something I've always wanted to do. I know I definitely want to see the Grand Canyon someday but that is probably beyond my means right now. Doesn't mean I'm going to rule it out, though. It's something to dream about. I hope you can do your trip, Green.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Wow, with all that pain you just went and did the trek. Fanfreakintastic. I nearly called the ambulance for myself just reading what you did. lol. I can't push myself that hard with strenuous things like climbing because of the old ticker but I do believe in what you are generally saying about pushing yourself if at all possible, just for the fun of it. It can be so healing. "The pain will not take away the memory" - true words to live by. Whose da man? You're da man. lol. Dreamdove also was talking about doing things she loved on this post, the train, ahhhhhh one of my favourites. When I moved from Ontario to Nova Scotia my daughter and I took the train there. The diningcar, the Dome Car for the scenery, the sound of the train on the tracks at night when you are in your compartment, the smell of the train, the rocking motion - man I love it. I would love to take the train from one coast of Canada to the other with one of my kids at some point. Just a little leary to do that right now with my heart sort of iffy but with the free health care in Canada if I ran into trouble I could get off anywhere at any hospital and be taken care of, or airlifted back here I guess. Sometimes we have to take those chances to do as Slick did, fight through our obstacles for the memories. It's so empowering. Great postings in this thread. Very inspiring. Plan that trip Dream, you deserve it. Hugs to all, Blueroses.

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Thanks Blueroses and Dreamdove for the support. I would also love to take a train trip. An old steam engine would be awesome. Last summer the wife and I spent a night at a lighthouse. Its a large museum with a bunch of display buildings. At midnight we were out walking around all by ourselves and we sat on a deck overlooking lake Superior. It was so relaxing and I love great lakes history. Blue I hope things are getting sorted out for you. If nothing else try to have a good weekend. I am sorry that your heart holds you back so much. I am glad all my internal organs are still working "knock on wood". Well on to the next adventure! Hugs to all. Slickwilly

Pnktopaz10
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2008

HI all
I really like the idea of a mini vacation so I am going to go back to my home town in Illinois and see people I have not seen for a long time. I am not taking anything for grated any more. Slick you are awesome. I could just picture the peace and quiet you experienced. It must have been a great experience. It is funny that so many of us want to take train trips. I too want to take a ride where there is beautiful scenery and wide open spaces. Hubby may just like that! Hugs, Pnktopaz

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