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just cant let it go

ralphie322's picture
ralphie322
Posts: 20
Joined: Mar 2009

i was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2002 it has mentally and physically destroyed me. today is the aniversary of my first chemo treatment 3/3/02 and i dont know why i remember every date i had chemo and its 7yrs later is there anyone else like me cause i just sometimes feel alone and its seems like nobody understands

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

I had difuse large B-cell lymphoma in 2003. I finished radiation on Christmas Eve of that year. That made it an easy reminder I guess. Its hard to forget our first chemo with all the stress involved. Seeing the nurse in a bio hazzard suit proubly didn't help. Having my throat close off because they tried to put the drugs in too fast didn't help either. I will never forget how much I hated having CHOP+Rituxin pumped into me and how much I wanted it back out of my body. My whole house smelled like chemo drugs. A couple years later when my spine went to pieces my life turned upside down again. There is no way most people can understand what we have been through. Most of us struggle with side effects on a daily basis. You can't move on when you have reminders every second of the day. So I just try to make the best out of each day. But its a struggle and I am the first to admit it. Best of luck Slickwilly

sandybe
Posts: 40
Joined: Aug 2008

You got that right! It is a struggle. I may have short term memory problems, but I can remember the dates from first diagnosis, chemo, recurrence, and radiation. I also remember the dates of the last chemo and radiation as well. I remember the date my hair fell out, although that was the same date a young popstar decided to shave her head. You are not alone in remembering these dates at all. They were traumatic events in our lives and as much as we would love to forget them, I don't think we ever will.

ldot123's picture
ldot123
Posts: 276
Joined: Apr 2008

Hi Ralphie,

You have done so well to survive. I am a 20 year survivor or Hodgkins and it took me quite a while to feel better physically and mentally. One way to move on is to help others that are where you were at years ago. It will make you feel better and giving hope to others will also give you hope for your future.

Cheers, Lance

beachgypsy
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2008

I am celebrating 8yrs cancer free the 8th...there hasn't been 1 day in all these years that I haven't thought about my cancer and all that went with it. I find it impossible to let go but am greatful for every day that I am here. It's also difficult to forget if you have side effects your living with. I was left with extremely high blood pressure that took doctors 5 years to get under control with perscription. I recently stopped taking the perscribed drugs and started using a supplement called co q 10 and am having great results. Within 1 week my blood pressure was perfect and I just feel better all over. It has done wonders for my energy level. CoQ10 is what the A in ABVD chemo strips from your body, which is why some of us end up with the cardiac damage. I wonder if the damage could have been avoided had I known about this supplement while I was recieving treatment. Good luck to you.

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

That is great news that they were finally able to find something to help you. It seems that many of us struggle from day to day with the hopes of getting something fixed. It took me 5 years to finally get my nose fixed so I could breath through both sides. And that turned into a mess when they could not find any bone and had to take some out of my sinus. Now if they could just fix my brain tumor, facial nerve damage, neck degeneration, arthritis and lower back. Oh I forgot the saliva glands and taste buds ha ha. I have to laugh about it because I would need to replace everything above my shoulders. But I am alive and each day is a blessing. Best of luck to you. Slickwilly

beachgypsy
Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 2008

Hi Slick, I am sorry to hear of all your troubles, and happy to hear that you can still laugh about it. God Bless your hardy soul! I research when ever I can both on the internet and books, looking for ways to improve my health. I tend to lean more towards the holistic ways of healing. Like I said, the CoQ-10 has helped with the blood pressure but I also find my leg cramps have subsided and so has the pain I almost always have in nodes throughout my body. I took it upon myself to stop the perscribed meds and use suplements. I too have back problems with degenerate disc, and herniated disc. For that I do yoga, massage and accupuncture,when I can afford it, and find them to be helpful. I wish you the best of luck...and keep laughing, it is the best medicine.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I wrote to you in another thread here but saw this one just now and thought I would respond here as well. I have lost alot of memory and there have been cognitive changes as well as physical ones as well, heart damage from my transplant drusg, chronic fatigue yada yada but remember, when you feel like this, that you did live to see your kids grow up and that is a true gift. Both you and I could have not made it and not experienced all the joys of raising our families but we did, right? Most of us will remember the dates of our diagnosis and first treatments, and many events in the process as well, hey it's a true trauma hearing the words 'you have cancer', it isn't something anyone forgets so don't feel it's just you. One of our biggest problems as survivors, for many of us, is that after the initial understand and support from our friends and family on diagnosis and through treatments, after it's all over they feel - well it's all done so he/she is okay now. Um, not so much in fact. There are many emotional and physical struggles we still face that we weren't aware of in the beginning because of the simple shock of being told we have cancer - even if the after effects were mentioned then, it was too much to handle. Many of us lose support and understanding as time goes on and we feel alone til we come across a group of surivors, such as here on this site, and soon we realize we aren't alone in how we feel and that is very validating. Glad you found this site. You seem to be a real fighter but know that you might have to reach out and speak with a counsellor who specializes in cancer patients, just for some help with possible coping systems. In fact I believe that some survivors actually can suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and should receive treatment for that disorder - not all but many. I see a counsellor from time to time and it really can help. Know that we are all here for you, talk it out here and I am sure you will feel much better. There is a price to pay for cancer survival for many - it's being validated that is the tough part sometimes - but never on this site. We understand. Blessings, Blueroses.

ralphie322's picture
ralphie322
Posts: 20
Joined: Mar 2009

i thank u. are right about everything i am gonna seek some counseling it wont hurt thanks for reading my comments and responding to them i have read each one ,5 times and i really do appreciate them i am a brickpointer from phila i have worked 42 stories in the air, ive been shot at and stabbed and countless barfights and nothing could scare me i used to think i was a tank. but that day at doctors when i was diagnosed did something to me that i think only people like us understand i went from a tank to a termite i was no longer indistructable i havent been the same since mentally. though its been yrs its seems like yesterday i will never let it win but i no longer feel indestructable but i know that i will fight to the end if it comes back and thats the constant worry P.S. BLUE ROSES it seems u understand me when i see the grim reaper again ill will be 89 not 28 then maybe he will win(MAYBE)LOL thats what i ment to say it just didnt come out right thanks for the help i would also like to thank anyone who has read any of my topics and the replies. it all helps should of done this years ago go phils

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Hmm, getting shot at, and stabbed, maybe moving might be a wise plan as well - talking about survival and all? lol. I know what you mean though, we think we have gone through difficult battles in our lives but when that diagnosis comes in we fall to our knees. I guess we can avoid dangerous situations in other situations if we really try but with cancer it just appears and there is no control over it, comes out of nowhere. It's important to be alert as to symptoms along the way too and I have heard that many men just ignore little physical issues and leave them unattended and that's no a good plan. Early detection can mean all the difference in the world as many on here can attest. Glad you are getting alot of support out of the site ralphie - take care. Blessings, Blueroses.

brains
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2009

Ralphie
My heart goes out to you when you say you no longer feel indestructable. What I have learned is that having this cancer can make you stronger than you have ever been challenged to be by anything else in your life. You learn that you are mortal and that in the end will make your life more precious to you than ever before. I guess having cancer may be easier for me because I am much older...and have had my 20s, 30s etc. But I know that when you stay stuck in something that happened years ago, and I have done that, it usually means you haven't finished with it. Please do talk to someone professional to help you begin to move on. You are tough - hey you're a Philly guy! I'll say a prayer for you.
B

mcarva
Posts: 17
Joined: Oct 2008

Hi Ralphie,

I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Nodular Sclerosis, Stage 2A in May of 2007. Although I did not find the treatments very difficult at all, I relive the whole ordeal almost every day. I am in remission 1 1 /2 years and I live in constant fear of a relapse. I remember all the dates too, the smells, the sounds, the circumstances, the doctor's words, my husband crying when he heard the diagnosis, and I also remember the strength and conviction that I was going to beat it. I don't know where that strength and conviction went. I am absolutely terrified of a relapse and don't know what I would do should that happen. I have been in therapy for a while because of an unrelated anxiety disorder, but I feel that I need a special therapist that just deals with cancer patients and their fears. I hear wonderful stories of people who have been out 20 or more years and it fills me with hope, and unfortunately, I also hear stories of people who relapse and I know I can't escape that possible reality but it fills me with dread. So you are not alone at all in reliving your experiences. We know as cancer survivors we need to stay as positive as we possibly can and live our lives one day or minute at a time, but the trauma we went through is so real and never seems very far away. I wish I had a solution for you, I'm searching for one myself. But I will say congrats on your 7 cancer free years and please believe you will find peace about this issue. I truly believe anyone who has ever had cancer feels exactly the same way as you do. Wishing you much peace and warrior strength.

Mary Ann

Dee1217
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2009

I'm only 1.5 yr into remission and waiting very nervously for testing in July to see if the "spots" found in my neck & chest are cancer coming back or "just nothing". I struggle everyday myself to try to think beyond and it takes a lot of effort to do one day at a time. You can do it. Stay strong.

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