Marriage over???

KierstenRx
KierstenRx Member Posts: 249
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi all,
I have not been posting much lately, but know that none of you are very far from my thoughts. The past year has been extremely challenging. I passed my two year mark in September from Stage III Rectal Cancer. A few months ago I posted that I had been having some depression isssue post treatment and had been seeking help through a therapist. That has been very good for me. However, even though my mood and outlook is better, my marriage has gone down the tubes. My husband and I have decided to separate. He was amazing during my treatment, but we have grown apart. We have had many discussions and both feel that we don't want the same things anymore. I am heartbroken. He was my best friend and now he barely has time to fit me in his busy schedule. We are both equally responsible for the breakdown of our marriage, but I wonder just how much my cancer had to do with the where we are now. It's hard to believe the curves that life throws us. Just wanted to vent..... Life does go on. I just need to find my joy again.

Kiersten

Comments

  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    #2
    so sorry
    Hi Kiersten,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. Life has so much stress! I guess it would be hard to say if the cancer has a major part in the separation or not- only you and your husband would be able to tell about that. It probably is really a combination of many factors involved.
    The fact that you've had cancer and always will have that worry in the back of your mind that we all have (will it come back?...)- that probably makes you more emotional about it all, I'm sure. If you haven't already, I'd definitely find a counselor or some kind of support group. Friends are great for support, but finding someone who can give advice by being more objective about it all might be beneficial. Perhaps things will even still work out- maybe a short separation is what is temporarily needed and then you will be able to get back together again. I don't know, of course, but definitely reach out and let others help you and support you during your time of difficulty. My heart goes out to you-
    Take care and God bless,
    Lisa
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    #3
    I'm sorry
    Dear Kiersten,
    We have only been on the board for a little over a month. When I logged on today and saw your picture, I said to my husband, "Look at this beautiful woman." I am sorry to hear what is going on in your life. One thing I do know is that you are a very, very strong woman. You have been through a battle and you are amazing. I will keep you in my prayers.
    Aloha,
    Kathleen
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    #4
    Caregivers......
    I am sorry about your marriage but your first priority is yourself and if you did what you needed to do to get through this battle it may be that your caregiver (hubby) found it to hard to deal with. He may need a break from all the stress that this disease brings on, or he may just not want to deal with any of it at all. I don't know the answers, but I do know that the first concern is getting you well so that you can be happy yourself. No one will be happy until you are. So, first lets work on you finding your joy again.
    From what I gather you have been NED for two years, and still NED. Thats great, but its evident that you are one of us that seem to dwell on the idea that it will come back. Maybe it will and maybe it won't. But, are you going to be one that sits back and waste your whole life because of something that may never occur ? BE HAPPY!!! Period, you have beat the disease and are NED...It is to celebrate for. My wife and I have grown apart some but only because the disease has changed the way we live somewhat, but it has also changed the way I or we think now too. We attend church, we are more family oriented now with our family and children and friends. It has changed our whole lives together but differently than it changed yours and for that I am truly sorry.
    You have to have something to smile about or the NED is useless. I had to occupy my spare time while treatments and things went on but now that the end (of treatment) is near I find myself really anxious to get out and start doing the things I did before this crap tried to take over my life. I gave it a year of my life I will never get back, although it was a year I used to bring my relatives closer to me, it is still a year of hardship and emotional ups and downs.
    I am just happy to be alive and to see another day or month or year(s) for my kids and wife and family. To be able to fish and hunt and camp and do the things I love to do. I will not look back or worry about things I can't control. I will as you should, turn them over to God and let Him carry the burdens for you and then you start enjoying yourself. No more emotional highs and lows just simply the joy of being alive and well and NED. Most of all you have to smile, it has the best healing properties there are. You are a very beautiful woman and also a woman that probably has a lot of love to give. Don't give up on anything, but never slow down for anything either for when you do, you waste the time that you worked so hard for while in treatment. You deserve the NED, you deserve the best of it all because you have been through the worst of it all. You are a winner and you need to smile like your avatar, and start enjoying life, whereever it leads you.......God Bless you hun and Good luck.
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    #5
    Buzzard said:

    Caregivers......
    I am sorry about your marriage but your first priority is yourself and if you did what you needed to do to get through this battle it may be that your caregiver (hubby) found it to hard to deal with. He may need a break from all the stress that this disease brings on, or he may just not want to deal with any of it at all. I don't know the answers, but I do know that the first concern is getting you well so that you can be happy yourself. No one will be happy until you are. So, first lets work on you finding your joy again.
    From what I gather you have been NED for two years, and still NED. Thats great, but its evident that you are one of us that seem to dwell on the idea that it will come back. Maybe it will and maybe it won't. But, are you going to be one that sits back and waste your whole life because of something that may never occur ? BE HAPPY!!! Period, you have beat the disease and are NED...It is to celebrate for. My wife and I have grown apart some but only because the disease has changed the way we live somewhat, but it has also changed the way I or we think now too. We attend church, we are more family oriented now with our family and children and friends. It has changed our whole lives together but differently than it changed yours and for that I am truly sorry.
    You have to have something to smile about or the NED is useless. I had to occupy my spare time while treatments and things went on but now that the end (of treatment) is near I find myself really anxious to get out and start doing the things I did before this crap tried to take over my life. I gave it a year of my life I will never get back, although it was a year I used to bring my relatives closer to me, it is still a year of hardship and emotional ups and downs.
    I am just happy to be alive and to see another day or month or year(s) for my kids and wife and family. To be able to fish and hunt and camp and do the things I love to do. I will not look back or worry about things I can't control. I will as you should, turn them over to God and let Him carry the burdens for you and then you start enjoying yourself. No more emotional highs and lows just simply the joy of being alive and well and NED. Most of all you have to smile, it has the best healing properties there are. You are a very beautiful woman and also a woman that probably has a lot of love to give. Don't give up on anything, but never slow down for anything either for when you do, you waste the time that you worked so hard for while in treatment. You deserve the NED, you deserve the best of it all because you have been through the worst of it all. You are a winner and you need to smile like your avatar, and start enjoying life, whereever it leads you.......God Bless you hun and Good luck.

    My husband...
    And I were going through a rough 2 1/2 years of like a marriage where we felt separated yet living together, but in 2 separate rooms! that's how bad our marriage was, he used to drink alot and a couple years ago I had it with him and his drinking for the last time, and kicked him out, but did take him back in, and never slept with him since, but we were civil in front of the kids, we still acted like friends, the kids missed him and didn't want him away, but let's just say, since I was diagnosed with cancer, he's been a godsend. I thought he would be someone to just leave, now that I was sick, instead, he stuck by me, and cried (it was the first time I had ever seen him cry, and I been with him 15 years!) it made me cry more, to see him cry, who knew he had it in him.

    He now takes me 2 hours to my appointments back and forth, takes care of me, makes sure I am eating and drinking, I just never thought he'd do these things for me, he's been my angel, and glad we never separated, though I wonder also, if we did separate, if he'd do the same. Maybe your husband, does just need a break, and may come to his senses and come back, but you know what, you must concentrate on you, and keeping healthy. I don't know now what I'd do without my husband and my kids who also have been fabulous taking care of me, but they see how much I took care of them all these years, and say "it's mommy's turn" my whole family has gotten closer, so I wonder if sometimes it took me to get cancer for our family to be like this, if so, I don't mind it one bit that it made us all the closer.
  • lizbiz
    lizbiz Member Posts: 120
    #6
    I am so sorry...
    My heart goes out to you. My husband and I found out about my CC 5 months into our marriage (2008). We eloped and then had a family and friends ceremony in June (exactly 1 month after my resection surgery). Unfortunately that was also the worst year of my life and was definitely not how I wanted to start my marriage. We've gone to counseling and are taking it one day at a time.

    I am truly sorry for what you must be going through, but if it's meant to be, it will be. Maybe this could be a fresh start for you.

    Hugs and Hope,
    Elizabeth
  • glinka65
    glinka65 Member Posts: 132
    #7
    kiersten, sorry for what
    kiersten, sorry for what your going through stay strong!!!!!!!!!
  • confused1
    confused1 Member Posts: 50
    #8
    So Sorry
    I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. This would be the toughest time for a break up for me. I no that stess is the worst thing for a person with cancer. I felt my husband slipping away from me also about 1 1/2 yrs. ago. When I found I had stage 4 colon cancer he kind of shape up. He was a drinker and going out all the time. Plus he is 15 yrs. youger than me I don't know if that had anything to do with it. But ever since I have found out I had cancer he turned around 95%. He actually acts like he loves me again. Which helps me because I don't think I could handle a break up at this point. So I will be thinking of u through your difficult time. be strong.
    Take Care Colleen
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #9
    confused1 said:

    So Sorry
    I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. This would be the toughest time for a break up for me. I no that stess is the worst thing for a person with cancer. I felt my husband slipping away from me also about 1 1/2 yrs. ago. When I found I had stage 4 colon cancer he kind of shape up. He was a drinker and going out all the time. Plus he is 15 yrs. youger than me I don't know if that had anything to do with it. But ever since I have found out I had cancer he turned around 95%. He actually acts like he loves me again. Which helps me because I don't think I could handle a break up at this point. So I will be thinking of u through your difficult time. be strong.
    Take Care Colleen

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • RunnerZ
    RunnerZ Member Posts: 185
    #10
    Kiersten
    I am so sorry that
    Kiersten

    I am so sorry that you are going through some tough time-but you show the survival attitude one needs to navigate this stupid disease. After cancer it takes more than a year or two to get your own bearings again. I am ten years out from diagnosis (at 36) and I can well remember the soul searching that I did during the early years. There is so much confusion...it is no wonder that other parts of your life get a little rocky. It is time for you to find whatever it is that makes you happy and keeps you waking up ready to take on the world! It could take a while...but it will happen. Be strong-you are the survivor after all!
  • SandyL
    SandyL Member Posts: 218
    #11
    RunnerZ said:

    Kiersten
    I am so sorry that
    Kiersten

    I am so sorry that you are going through some tough time-but you show the survival attitude one needs to navigate this stupid disease. After cancer it takes more than a year or two to get your own bearings again. I am ten years out from diagnosis (at 36) and I can well remember the soul searching that I did during the early years. There is so much confusion...it is no wonder that other parts of your life get a little rocky. It is time for you to find whatever it is that makes you happy and keeps you waking up ready to take on the world! It could take a while...but it will happen. Be strong-you are the survivor after all!

    Kiersten..
    I hope that you can find your joy soon. And I am so sorry that you are having a tough time.
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    #12
    It's hard
    Dear Kiersten,

    I bet if you took a poll here or anywhere else with lots of cancer survivors, you would find that 100% of them had undergone change because of their experience with cancer. You just can't face something like this without being altered by it. I know that I tend to be more introspective now and more focused on myself at times. More moody. More lots of things!

    Even though my husband and I have been married almost 33 years, I can tell you that we have had some bumps since this journey started. It's just hard to go through!

    I will be praying for you to find peace within yourself, first of all. And I will also pray that you and your husband might find your way back to each other, if possible. If not, I pray that life will have something wonderful ahead for you!

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    #13
    Hi Kiersten,

    Hi Kiersten,
    Big hug,,,,After ca I seem to have gone through the medical excyclopedia. I guess my wife just got sick of me being ill all the time. She asked me to leave 18mos ago. I still miss her and still love her. I still see her a lot and that makes it harder at times. There was another man involved and she is still seeing him. He has just been diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer. He has been given a 60% chance of survival with surgery. At the moment he is not going to have it. Last weekend it was left to me to talk to him and try and convince him to have the surgery. Does every one have a weird life ,or is it just me. I wish you peace ,joy and love...Ron.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #14
    Stress Strains
    Hi Kiersten,
    I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Often with tragidies or stressful situations (the loss of a child as an example) can either makes one's bond with their spouse tighter or it can make it come apart. On the positive side he stayed by you when you really needed him to. That says a lot about how he felt about you. People drift apart, in some ways my marriage has improved but in other ways it has not. At least you are 2 years NED, that's great.
    Maybe you'll meet a great guy named Ned???
    The roughest part is over Kiersten.
    -phi
  • msccolon
    msccolon Member Posts: 1,917 Member
    #15
    ron50 said:

    Hi Kiersten,

    Hi Kiersten,
    Big hug,,,,After ca I seem to have gone through the medical excyclopedia. I guess my wife just got sick of me being ill all the time. She asked me to leave 18mos ago. I still miss her and still love her. I still see her a lot and that makes it harder at times. There was another man involved and she is still seeing him. He has just been diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer. He has been given a 60% chance of survival with surgery. At the moment he is not going to have it. Last weekend it was left to me to talk to him and try and convince him to have the surgery. Does every one have a weird life ,or is it just me. I wish you peace ,joy and love...Ron.

    your wife's new guy
    convince him he's better off without the surgery! ;) I can't believe she expects you to speak to him about it, and talk about karma! She leaves you because you're too sick and now her new boyfriend has cancer! You know, the common thread is her, so perhaps SHE CAUSES CANCER! ;)
    mary
  • tiny one
    tiny one Member Posts: 465 Member
    #16
    hard time
    I'm so sorry to hear this. It saddens me. Cancer is hard enough and changes our lives forever. Some grow closer and some farther apart. I'm praying for you to find joy and for the strength you'll need. I to had to seek treatment for depression. I had two close calls with suicide thank God at those times I picked up the phone and didn't do what I was thinking of doing. Cancer support groups are helpful too. God bless.
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,742 Member
    #17
    Sorry
    I'm sorry to hear of your marriage. I can attest that yes, this cancer situation is a big strain on a marriage. It is not only a strain on the one that has cancer, but everyone around. I know I have been guilty of being very selfish and I'm just in the beginning of my treatment, however, my husband has been wonderful to me.

    I hope that maybe you could get some counseling to help you work through your situation. I hope things get better for you soon and you find peace in the future ahead.

    Kim
  • Mike49
    Mike49 Member Posts: 261
    #18
    Good luck you have a survivors attitude
    I know you are strong and you will come through this too. I wish you strength. You have been through much, and don't deserve more pain. I hope you find joy and I am sure you will.

    Mike

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