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Lonely Days

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

Hello Everyone
Its been 4 weeks since I lost my Love. The days are so lonely it is hard to handle. I come home do the house work still have my boys to take care of. I think they are dealing with the loss of their Mom by staying active with their Friends and Girl friends. They don't seam to be around as much as they were. I guess its partly my fault. I am not in to good of a mood these days. I was just wondering if anyone has any advice for me how to deal with this emptyness I feel. I try to stay busy, but even then I see something that reminds me of Cathy and feel so alone, This is becoming even harder than being a caregiver which I really thought was the Hardest thing I had ever had to do. To watch someone you love with all your heart just fade away is Tough. If there is any advice anyone could give me I would really appericiate it. I know we all deal with things in different ways, and I know there are a lot of folks that have been where I am right now. I was just hoping that some one might have some ideas how to handle all of this. Some days are better than others, today seams to be one of the bad ones.
Your Friend
MR_SAD

hunpot's picture
hunpot
Posts: 90
Joined: Nov 2008

right with you its been five months and cant stop feeling alone without mom. Me and her were togther everyday even when she wasnt sick we shopped togther, ate lunch, went to park, she would come help me do housework just anything we were togther almost evryday if not i called her everyday, now im all alone everyday all day. They say time heals but im not so sure.
I actually called a few hospice groups today again to see if there were any support groups to help, the last time i talked to them they only had groups for ones that had lost a loved one (spouse) and they didnt recommend that for me.
People(coworkers, friends, family) say i need to go see a counselor but with the economy and whatnot i cannot afford to go pay a copay once a week to talk to a grief counselor when there is really nothing they can do to take away my pain or loneliness. They are just going to tell me to find things to do to occupy my time and give it time the pain will lessen, they really cant help.
I need to talk to people that have been through what im going through to see how they coped and delt with it. Maybe other ideas and opinions would help who knows... I just now i feel so aloneand cant stand it, i cry myself to sleep evrynight i cant get to sleep till after 2 am and once my boys go off to school i sleep all day till they come home because im so tired form being up all night and that way i dont have to think about being alone, I know this isnt normal just dont know what to do to fix it..
Ive been through so much loss but never like this i dont wish it on anyone, god please dont take away my husband then im really in for it LOL......
I hope things get better mr sad i hope someone has some answers for us both to make it easier :)
try to smile as i try everyday cus momma would want that and i know cathy wants you to be happy and smiling not sad!!
she watching you :)
tracy

snowedin
Posts: 5
Joined: Nov 2008

Though I have not lost a spouse or a parent, I have some understanding as I have lost a number of children to have the 3 I finally have - What a blessing! Anyway, it is going to take time for the pain to lessen, it is going to hurt for a while - there is no way around it. There is no specific time period. However, trying to focus on the happy and positive events involving your lost ones, while difficult at first, will become easier and easier. Eventually, you will more than likely just automatically recall positive influences when you run into a reminder of them. Also, developing or persuing an interest you may have will open the door to new possibilities that are not fraught with reminders all the time and possibly provide a method of coping. It is much easier to focus on the pain and tell the world to go away but that is not healthy nor is it something that a loved one would want you to do! It is a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Remind yourself that it will not always feel this way. Eventually, the pain will recede (no, it will not go away, just become bearable). Just know that you are loved and supported by those around you and you are not alone though it may feel like it at times. I pray that you will be comforted in your darkest hours through the thoughts and prayers of others and the beauty of life all around us even though you are having trouble seeing it at this time.

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

Thank you for your Support. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a Child. I am truly sorry for you loss. My days are good and bad. I did sleep good last night, I guess after so many days having trouble sleeping your body has to get needed rest. I did not wake up at all in the night which I have been doing a lot. I do feel much better this morning. You are right about all of the suppoert I have, My many friends here on the site have really helped me make it thru this last Few months. Thanks for your words and replying to my post
Have a good day
Floyd

arbrab's picture
arbrab
Posts: 55
Joined: Nov 2007

You have to take one day at a time. Things will get better with time, I promiss. The only thing I can tell you is to try to fill the time in which you feel the void. I used to sleep, did it help, yea it did. Did I feel better, no. But it was the only thing that got me through some of my bad days. It has been almost 2 years since I lost my husband. I still have days when I miss him and wish that he was here with me. It wasn't surposed to be like this. But I try to get up in the morning with a positive attitude that everything is going to be alright. It does work sometimes, and other times I have to make myself get on with the day. I wish I had more to offer, but each and everyone of is different, you have to find what works best for you. It is really to fresh for you to worry about, just remember her and talk to her if needed. Maybe that will help you. Write in a journal and tell her how you are feeling, this worked for me.
Time heals, and life goes on. Just be who you are and take care of yourself and kids
barbra

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

Hope all is well with you. Today was my birthday and I went out to cathy and my favorite place and had a good dinner and rembered all of the great times we shared there. It helped alot to get out and see our friends. I just got home and saw your reply and wanted to say thanks. You know it really makes me feel good to here from you.
Take care
Floyd

hunpot's picture
hunpot
Posts: 90
Joined: Nov 2008

floyyd im glad you were able to have a nice birthday!! Must of felt good for you. I wa sin the chat on tuesday and had nice talk with paula and mary not many people in there that night and they seemed to get booted afetr evry response what a whack night it was in and out of room all night i stayed in for about hour.
tracy

arbrab's picture
arbrab
Posts: 55
Joined: Nov 2007

Floyd
Happy Birthday and sorry I haven't read this sooner. Two years is coming up March 28 and I still don't know how I am going to handle that. Besides I lost a brother to cancer in Oct 08 and am losing a sister soon. They gave her 6 weeks 3 weeks ago, so it will be soon. She is in the hospital now and they will make her comfortable when she asks. I can't go to her, but saw her last at Thanksgiving and that's the way I want to remember her. She knows that I love her and knows why I can't go see her. That's a sisters love.
Hope your days are better. Remember think postitive and take one day at a time. I am here anytime you need to talk privately or on the board.
your friend
barbra

arbrab's picture
arbrab
Posts: 55
Joined: Nov 2007

Floyd

I wish things were better with me. Yesterday we lost another sibling, my sister. It is hard to believe that she won't be there when we gather for my brother. But I guess in the long run she will be there. And we will celebrate their lives, talk about all the stuff we did as kids, laugh, cry and just go on with life. March 28th is the 2 year mark for me. And again life goes on, and so must I.
Glad to hear that you had a good day. There will be more good days than bad as time passes on. Just be there to embrace each day with a positive attitude. Remembering Cathy is the best way to get on with your life. There isn't a day that I still don't think of Richard and wonder what if? But, I know that the what if's are not reality. And eventually I will have to compeltely go on. I don't know when that day will be. But I hope for my own sanity it will be soon. Grieving is stopping me from going on with my life. I wish I had more knowledge to give to you. But like you this is a first for me. And everyone is different. Some people pick up the pieces right away and go on.
Good luck to you. And by the way, I hope that's a Harley your riding. Picture looks good. LOL
your friend
barbra

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Floyd,

As you know from reading my posts, I am no stranger to losing family, on top of having had cancer and other health problems. There are no easy answers, and healing is a slow process, taking years, sometimes. When I found my "little" brother at the end of an electric cord, I was a zombie for days, and drunk for many nights. I resented my paralyzed father for outliving his youngest son, I could not really "be there" for my dear mother because my own head was fouled with a distorted combination of guilt and anger. I hated the pettiness of the people with whom I worked. I was a mess! It took years of medical help and grief counseling to bring me to the point of semi-normalcy. During that journey, I lost my dear, sweet, loving parents to their own illnesses.

I would not even attempt to provide answers for you, because we each find them in our own way and in our own time. Know that I care, as do others on this board. Know also that your dear wife is still with you in her new and pain-free existence helping you towards your eventual peace of mind.

Love and Courage!

Rick

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

Hope all is well with you. Thanks for your Reply. Life sometimes gives us a hard road to travel but with good friend we can make it through. You hang in there my Friend. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. If I wake up in the morning it is going to be a good day.
Take care
Your Friend
Floyd

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Floyd,

One of the helpful suggestions I received in a grief support group was the adopting of new activities and do things that I had never done before. I decided to have the reconstructive surgery I had always wanted. A year later, I went to Europe to visit cousins I had never met before. A year after that, I went on a photo safari of East Africa. Believe me, I could sure use the money I spent on those things now, but WTF!, it felt great then, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Life is about living. If there is one thing we should learn from those we have lost is that we must make the most of the years we have on this planet. We honor our departed loved ones by truly living.

Love and Courage!

Rick

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

Rick
I did not Sleep too good last night. Woke up at 6:00am on a Sundasy and could not go back to sleep. I got on the site and there you were. Thanks for your help during my bad days. I don't know if people realize it, but the Friends I have made here on the site Have really made a difference in my Life. Things are very hard for me some days. The pain I feel in my heart just doesn't seem to want to go away. I guess you are right I need to get my self up and start to do new things, Make new memories, Start living again. I have been working way to much time. I am a saleried Employee and don't even get paid any extra for the Time I give Them. What a Dummy I am. Staying Busy has only masked my feelings. I need to let it go and start this greiving process. It is like I expect her to come in the front door any moment from grocery shopping and then realize that it is just not going to happen. My days are Long and lonely. Just don't feel lke doing anything. The house work has pilled up on me. That is what I really need to do today. Guess I had better get with it. Thanks for your reply
Your Friend
Floyd

green50
Posts: 318
Joined: Feb 2008

I know this is not easy for you and I do know how you feel. My soul mate of almost 28 years of marriage passed three years ago. I can smile and joke with my sons now the things my husband and I did with them and how strong he helped make me I too have cancer and have had that to go through as well for 7 years. Its hard but you will have good days and bad. You find things new to do. I still see our friends but am closer to those I do things with and find their support. I take my kids out to eat and gave them things of their father to hold on to plus make new memories. But you will be glad of the old memories and it will get easier. Ironically my sister and I both lost our husbands. Hers passed few years before mine and she was a big help. Any feelings are your feelings but don't dwell on the sad ones. Remember her with smiles she will always be in your heart. And she is not no longer suffering only the ones left behind who miss her. But it is frustrating at times but keep busy when you have tough days. I pray for you and the family and hope you get through with wonderful memories and new ones as well.
Prayers to you
Sandy

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

Sandy
I really appericiate your response. I have not been on the site for a few days. Valentines has been tough for me. You are right about the ones left behind that have to suffer. My days are slowly getting a little better. I have took some advice from my friend Rick and tried to start doing some things. It has really helped me. The more you sit around and feel sorry for yourself the harder it gets on you. I spent the last 6 weeks doing just that. This past weekend I went out and had a good time with some of Cathy and my best friends. It trully helped me. Now I try and rember the great times we both shared for all of those wonderful years.
Your Friend
Floyd

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1154
Joined: May 2008

I AM FEELING THAT WAY ALREADY, MY HUSBAND WILL DIE SOON AND I WILL BE LOST WITH OUT HIM 35 YRS TOGETHER THATS A LONG TIME. THEN THERE WILL ONLY BE ME , NOT HIM AND ME I WILL TRY TO BE STRONG WE WILL SEE

MICHELLE

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

I know how you must be feeling. Cathy and I were lucky enough to live two lifetimes in one. We rode our harley across the country twice. We always did everything together. I think that is the one thing I am having the most trouble with. When you are so use to having someone to share everything with and then all of a sudden you are alone you don't really know what to do. I have been very lucky to find all of these great friends here on the site to help me through this most difficult time. We will be here for you. The times ahead for you will only get tougher. I hate to say that but I just want you to know that when you feel like you Just can't go on come to the site and we will be here to help. We can cry together (I do that a lot of times while I am typing), Laugh together, Be sad together. We will be hear to listen to your ranting and raving, I have done the same on a few occassions and always someone was there to help me through. Take Care of your self
Your friend
Floyd

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1154
Joined: May 2008

Thank you

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Floyd,

During my first year without family, I really let everything go to Hell. It stayed that way until I got good and tired of seeing everything look so sad and run-down and decided to do something about it. I got to work on the plumbing, landscaping stones, garage, and porch windows. The redwood support post I had set with my dad in 1984 had rotted at the base, so I experimented with stuffing patching cement in the rotted away part, learning that, once the whole thing was painted, you couldn't tell which part was wood and which part was cement. One day, I totally lost all track of time I became so absorbed in what I was doing.

There are a lot of things that still need to be done, but I don't mind. I have what I call "tools and systems" for getting things accomplished, it usually involves improvising and finding inexpensive solutions. I look forward to going home each day, even though I am alone, but not really "lonely" anymore.

Have a great weekend, Good Buddy!

Rick

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

I finally started to get my house back together. It does help to stay busy and the House is finnally starting to look presentable. I will be so glad when the weather gets better so I can get my yard cleaned up. Hope you have a good Week my Friend
Floyd

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