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The Pull Between Letting It Go And The Blame Game.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Side effects, late effects, emotional effects, physical effects - letting it go vs. blaming it on the treatments? I'm talking about that feeling that we feel when some of us deal daily with these 'effects' of our treatments. No doubt many side effects come from the treatments - that has been established in many areas but how to deal with that feeling of letting it go or getting caught up in the blame game. Get my drift? Some days I swear I catch myself going back and forth a dozen times between the two and don't really realize that I am doing that. It's healthier to let it go, no doubt about it, but easier said than done. Just found myself doing this pull thing the other day and wondered if I was alone in this way of thinking on occasion? Someone recently brought the topic up that if she had known about the side effects of the treatments she would never have had it done. I wonder. How many of us remember being told what about side effects of our individual treatments? The only time I remember that was when the radiologist said it would probably cause early cataracts (which it has awhile ago) and possibly early arthritis ( yup ), dats it. But then again that was 18 years ago and some of these after effects they may not have even predicted - the big one being I'M STILL HERE. lol. Truly all seems to have worked too well, now what do they do with us? lol. After being 'altered' by chemo and radiation I feel a tad alien, know what I mean? I remember a few years back going to see a naturopath and he nearly fainted when he saw all my treatments. Reason he felt like that was because they work from a baseline of the human body, the unaltered human body, and after all these treatments and medications he said that there was nothing start from, no normal base line. That made me feel good. Nanoo Nanoo, just call me Mork. Sigh. I think I got sidelined from the original thread topic, I'm blaming it on chemo brain - rats, I did it again - the blame game - rats. lol. Blessings, Blueroses.

zahalene's picture
zahalene
Posts: 678
Joined: Nov 2005

Blueroses,
I tend to do the same thing about the demise of my marriage, which in many ways was more traumatic for me than the 3 cancer diagnoses. Some days I just get bogged down in the could-a, should-a, would-a of it all. And then other days I can just accept that it happened and even count the blessings that came out of it all (eventually). Like you saying you are still HERE. That is a huge plus. And you worked hard for it and you deserve to be able to enjoy still being here. But then you got all these health 'left-overs' that keep you from having a good time. It's one of the great ironies of life. I don't have any great words of wisdom, just wanted to say I understand on some level and hope that helps a tad.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Hey Zah, Actually I do the same thing about the demise of my marriage as well and more often than the cancer diagnosis too. lol. Funny you would say that. That's a whole other thing but certainly does apply to this post as well, somedays you want to let it go and then the blame game starts. We as survivors have way more in common than just the physical aspects of cancer, that's for sure. It has many reprocusions some of us have in common like divorce and the emotions that that delivers. The fun just never ends does it? lol.

Pnktopaz10
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2008

Hi Blueroses
Yep I play that game~sometimes daily and did not even realize I was. How do you let go?

Like chemo brain... forgetful me... blame it on chemo.... LOL. I am not into asking 'why me" or that sort of thing... because I have seen too many people who have had cancer and I know that I am just one of millions. But I do think that any ache or pain or difference I am feeling is due to the cancer. I have had at least one scare already and know that I will have more... how do you, yourself, let go? Hugs, Pnktopaz10

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Just went through the same thing; frustrated about side-effects, docs not being totally forthcoming or even just giving info in small doses so I'm not overwhelmed. I have so many mets, so many side-effects but, I have all of you and a great family that I love and that's the only way I get through the really bad days. Dwelling on neuropathy or fatigue or arthritis is natural... you feel like s*** and you see everything and everybody in a negative way. Human nature is what it is and that's why God let us know he was here and he gave us each other to lift up and encourage.
I am always so humbled by the love and concern of all of you, with all of the tremendous pain and challenges you face and yet you take the time to cheer us up and pray for us . That is God in action, that is faith, that is the way to let go and lean on all of us!
Peace my dear friends,
Hollyberry

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Hey Holly, This post of yours ties in nicely with my last post here about tuning in to your innermost self through meditation, or prayer, whichever works for you. I believe God is constantly sending us the answers we seek, we are just too busy and loud to hear that little voice within. I truly believe that all the answers we seek are within ourselves. Also through giving to others we find healing for ourselves as well. Take care of you, Blueroses.

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

In giving we receive; I firmly believe that if we step outside of our pain and frustration to help others, we feel so much better. I know it's true for me and I know when you take the time to comfort and pray for me, that I do feel better.God gave us this gift of community and we can only gain from sharing our experiences and our love for each other and humanity, as a whole.
When I was struggling the past couple of weeks, knowing I had bone mets and the neuropathy was getting so bad, I spent some time here with all of you and felt so good that I actually colored the fuzz that's growing back! That was an awesome day!! I let go of my worries and anger and left it all in God's hands. I knew my friends were praying for me and that's all I needed!
So keep up the positive thoughts and we'll all get through this together.
Love,
Hol

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

We will all get through this together. Hugs Holly, Blueroses

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

A lot of the times when I 'let it go' it is mostly from being exhausted from blaming this and then and I simply need a rest so I let go to give myself a rest. lol. I know that sounds silly but it seems to be like that. I guess it's the body trying to give you a break by steering you to the answer to let go, too much blaming and in the end it does feel better to let go doesn't it? I think that's the key, listen to that small voice inside - it always has the answer. We busy ourselves so much we don't take the time to quiet ourselves so we can't hear that little voice, guiding us. That's why meditation is so important - it quiets us, I wish I would get back in the habit of doing it, it really tunes you in to your highest self. Holding on to anything negative like blame or guilt or anger never makes you feel well if you notice. If you just try letting those things go, even for a minute you will see how good that one minute feels. I guess we can start with a minute and build up from there. With meditation that helps to do that more easily. Just simply focusing on your breathing for a minute then two then three a day and being quiet with yourself will open up a more peaceful existance and will allow the answers to come through. I truly believe that. Blessings, Blueroses.

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

I didn't want the complete hysterectomy (I wish they could have just taken the ovaries and tumors) but I wouldn't be sitting here right now at my keyboard! Ovarian cancer spreads so easily, all you need is a cell or two. I assume many cancers are like that. And if I had just had the surgery and not the chemo, that would not have been enough either. The doctor can't possibly get every single cancer cell out. At the time, I had a 12 year old daughter at home waiting for me. Being the only parent in her life, where would she have gone to live? However, I have my limits. If my doctor told me he needed to take my bowells out because the cancer had spread there and I would have to wear a bag, I would probably say "NO." The quality of my life has changed because of the hysterectomy (I gave up dating) but I would imagine wearing a bag would make my life almost impossible. And if I had to have radiation and I knew ahead of time no hair on my head would grow back, I would hesitate about that sort of treatment also. I still want to have some quality of life if I am going to remain here on this earth for awhile. But everyone has their own criteria for the limits they would allow like how much pain or dissability to accept before crying UNCLE! And some doctors don't really give you a choice of treatments--it's their way or the highway.

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Dove,
I didn't want my bowel resected or a colostomy either, but I had to do that and many other surgeries. I had 2 nasty chemos and am still going through a nasty clinical trial (round 9 and the neuropathy is killin' me). Like you, I wanted to finish raising my family and spend some more time with my husband and friends. Quality of life is important, longevity is 2nd to that but it is a very personal decision. My colostomy was not that hard to get used to; I only spend 45 minutes a day irrigating it and am stool free for 2 days. No biggie. Having to quit a job that I loved was harder! I now have so many mets and so many side-effects that I weigh that choice nearly everyday; It's just gotten to that point. I may quit the clinical trial and just spend my last days enjoying my family and friends- that choice is necessary at some point for me. I hope all of you fare better and my prayers are always with you. As far as the docs go, they don't get to make those choices for you, and don't ever let them make you think they do.It's always your choice; ifthey don't listen to you, find another one! Some of them do have that God complex, but we don't have to put up with it. Your life is too precious to be bullied! You are such a wonderful girl and I really hope you don't let a doc push you around. You do what's best for you and your daughter and sleep well knowing that you made the best decisions for you.
Much love,
hollyberry

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

Hi hollyberry, so glad to hear your opinion on how much to take before crying UNCLE. It's a personal decision each person must reach themselves. Thanks also for the perspective on the colostomy bag. I worked with a girl many years ago that wore one and I could see what she went thru in her life because of it. Just before my surgery for ovarian cancer, my doctor said he might have to do a bowel resectioning and I would wake up with a bag. I said "no" but he said he would not do any surgery then. He is the only gynelogical oncologist in my area and a fantastic doctor--I owe my life to him. But I did feel I had to go along with what he wanted. I've been in remission for 20 months, although I do have to go in for a re-do paptest because of some abnormal cells showing up and someone tipping over the speciment last week on the way to the lab. I almost decided not to get it done again but if those abnormal cells do turn out to be more serious, then maybe it can be caught before it spreads too far. Luckily, I woke up with no bag because the cancer hadn't spread to the bowels. I would have had to quit my job and I don't know what else I would have done to support myself and my daughter. Anyway, sorry to hear that you are nearing the point in which you may have to make a decision how much farther to take this. It's too bad there aren't many alternative treatments for you but you are right to spend as much time as possible with your family. It always comes down to feeling you are doing the right thing for you and them.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Hey Dream, Yes, everyone does have their limits. Also too I think that depending on the stage we are at in the cancer treatment plan we would probably make different decisions depending on the stage. When we are first told of the diagnosis and asked about treatment options we might make certain decisions of what we might take and what we might not as opposed to on a recurrance, after a certain amount of time has passed, where we have experienced more side effects and more treatments. I know when I was first diagnosed I had two very young children at home and I decided that I had to do whatever it took to buy myself extra years to be there for them until they were old enough to care for themselves. That gift was granted to me. We all do what is right for us, there is no right and wrong, just personal choices for personal reasons. I agree with Holly though in that you should never let a doc make a decision for you, it should always be your decision in the end wherever it is humanly possible.

This all too depends on the person and how they handle medical interventions, many of us have gotten hypersenstive to many procedures as we have had just too many. That governs our decisions too on further treatment plans for us. All the best Dream, Blueroses

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

and regret that I did not hug him and tell him how important he was to me, thinking that this would have changed his mind about taking his own life. However, I know in my mind that he had already made his decision which is why he appeared so at peace.

Yesterday, I found the lids for the the set of Corning-glass cook-wear that I had accused my mother of throwing away, now feeling guilty for making the accusation. However, she had given away my father's power-tools and my collection of coffee mugs, was elderly and had lost a son to suicide, and hadn't I done some pretty goofy things myself?

I often blame my period of excessive drinking, following my brother's death, for my present digestive problems. But, WTF, I found my "little shadow" at the end of an electric cord, after our father's stroke, after my divorce, and after my battle with cancer, who ever wrote the instruction manual on how to deal with that litany of "challenges"?

A former girlfriend once said, "You just do what you do to survive", whatever that may involve. Guilt and self-blame are just wasted energy.

Love, Courage, and Peace of Mind!

Rick

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

"We do the best we can with what we know" (at any given moment), and that really can help us deal with any blame and guilt we put upon ourselves or feel about whatever it is we wrestle with. As we go through life we pick up knowledge that alters the way we behave and feel and looking back, yup we may well have done different if we were in the same predicament today. BUT whatever happened before that 'ah ha' moment comes, as Oprah calls them, we do the best with what we know at that point. And yup, I agree totally, we do what we do to survive - it's an individual decision no doubt about it. All the best, Blueroses

lindaprocopio's picture
lindaprocopio
Posts: 2022
Joined: Oct 2008

I am currently in treatment for a very aggressive recurrent Stage III-C cancer, and it is my nature to research every aspect of my disease and and every side effect of the treatments I am having and the other treatments that are scheduled for me after my chemo. With my type of cancer, you have to really be VERY aggressive from the get-go, because the 5-year survical rate once it re-occurs is 0 to 5%. I read the posts of women who have had the same internal radiation I am to have this April and May, saying "Had I known I would have this scar tissue, these life-long side affects, etc.,,,,I would never have had this." My family would be horrified to know that I'm even considering NOT having the internal vaginal cuff radiation if my CA-125 is under 35 (normal range) and my CT-scan is NED when I finish my last round of chemo in March. Do I dare to say No to a treatment that statistically improves my chances of living awhile longer? Is it too early to say "At what cost?" to my oncologists' prescribed regime? I can bear any temporary side effects, but those that forever change your quality of life, that is a very personal decision. In the end, I will probably push on and continue the treatment regime as long as my body can stand it. But I totally support anyone who says "Enough is enough."

As for the blame game, I try not to indulge. I can't think of anyone to blame for this cancer! I've always taken such good care of my health, never heavy, never smoked, high fiber diet, at the gym every day. But sometimes, DARK times, thoughts of Karma creep in, and I review all the 'evil doings' I have ever committed in my life, worried that this is my punishment. But that's only in the blackest black of night, a rare night, thank God. .

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I totally agree and would never second guess someone who comes to that point in their treatments. Actually I was there a few months ago when I thought that the cancer had returned after 18 years with no sign of it at all. My doctor looked at me as we were discussing results and said 'you have had enough haven't you?' I said yes and she said 'I understand'. Luckily the final results came back okay but now I face another set of possible bad results and I am hesitating even going to start the look for further signs of more problems. We all have our own points when we have to make that decision, to go on or call it a day. Through all the medical interventions I have had I am always letting the nurses know what I will tolerate in even simple procedures like taking blood or running CT's as I am claustrophobic now and know what I can tolerate. Most respect my wishes.

As far as Karma and cancer being payback I like not to go there and instead I truly have always felt that cancer is more about indulging in excess than anything else. Any kind of excess - too much food, too much of the wrong foods, too much pollution, too much this and too much that. If you put too much strain on an automobile it stops running, too much stress - same deal, put too much strain on our bodies and ta da - makes sense to me. Of course there is hereditary and all kinds of other possibilities as to why but I think Karma is a black area indeed but honestly I think that many of us do go there once in awhile when we are continuously faced with ongoing medical challenges and we just want to finally scream 'okay I get it, tell me what to do right then'. I try and not go there any more than I possibly can and instead try to live as good a life as I know how. I wrote somewhere on the boards that we do all that we can with what we have learned thus far in life and if we truly buy that, which I do, then blame is greatly reduced, blame on ourselves. All the best linda. Love that picture on your profile by the way. Gorgeous. You obviously see the beauty in nature, that's healing all by itself. Hugs, Blueroses.

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

My understanding of karma is that it is not a punishment. It's just learning. We choice our basic agendas before we arrive here, although changes can be made or modified. Sure, what goes around comes around but it's only for growth and understanding. Sometimes we take on more we feel we can handle. But there are always solutions to problems and we can have help whenever we want it. We just have to ask. The body can only handle so much chemicals, pollution, excess of whatever (alcohol, tobacco, drugs, stress, food, hormones) before the balance goes out of wack. It happens more as we get older, but even children sometimes get cancer. So I don't feel cancer is a punishment. There are different reasons why a person gets cancer and we are not meant to stay on this earth forever. We have other places to go and things to do!

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

In 1980 the economy was bad and I went to work on a Christmas tree farm. Part of my job was spraying malathion to kill bugs and agent orange to kill brush. All of the long lasting effects were not yet known about these chemicals. They entered my nervous system and 20 years later came back to haunt me. I don't blame the employer as all the 55 gallon drums said was "do not spray within 100 feet of a stream or river". And of course wash it off your body which is hard in the middle of the woods. 8 hours later it is already under your skin. I could stay mad at many people and waste my life away. But I can't afford to waste time being angry. The side effects of chemo and radiation have taken away most of the life I knew before cancer. But as hard as it was, I would not change a thing. I am alive and between bouts of pain I can enjoy my children or a sunny day. I can put on my funny P.J's or take a walk in the woods. I can take care of my neighbor who is fighting cancer and get a hug and "I love you" before I get out the door. For many of us it took cancer to slow us down and to take a different look at life. To appreciate things that we took for granted. And we sure have a better understanding of fear, hate, anger, pain and death. None of us are better physically after cancer. But we are sure stronger emotionally as we have been pushed to limits we never dreamed of. Bless you all Slickwilly

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

Slickwilly, you said it very well, much better than I could ever have expressed it. You should write a book! You have the title already: "Just Living and Not Blaming." You have every reason to be angry and yet you have a good atitude. Most of us don't know why we got cancer. We have ideas but not facts. You know why, however. All the more reason to cast blame. All you were tryng to do is earn a living when jobs were scarce. Just joking when I say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But there may be some truth in it.......

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Dreamdove. Thanks. I can't even imagine what its like for Blueroses as she has delt with cancer for so long. I wish she lived close by so I could give her a hug everyday. After a couple months on this discussion board I have developed a pattern. I wake up and tell the wife and dog good morning. I turn on my computer and look for letters from you, Blueroses, Soccerfreaks, Zahalene, Terato, Pnktopaz and all the other regulars. My day would not be complete without checking in to see how everyone is doing. I never quit learning from each of you and it helps me when I help others in my local area. I doubt anyone has all the answers when It comes to cancer issues. We sure know the medical society is not up to speed on many issues. I have been blessed with a good family and many friends in my life. And I was blessed when I found all of you here. Slickwilly

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Slickwilly,
I agree about the pattern; get up, get everyone to work and school and come here to find support and encouragement from all of you. I can't count how many times I was feeling overwhelmed and isolated and found my strength right here.That is not to say I don't have a very supportive family, I do; they just haven't walked in our shoes and don't fully understand the challenges we face and I hope and pray that they never will.
Your kindness and support have gotten me through some very difficult days and I thank God for all of you.
I, too, could have laid blame; my G.I. doc scheduled my colonoscopy out 6 weeks after exam and that gave my tumor time to grow and ulcerate, and I worked for the guy! My daughter asked me if I was going to sue and I told her nothing was done maliciously and I wouldn't waste what precious time I had left in a courtroom. I don't blame anyone because it's just not worth the energy.I am grateful to be here today and I can't give anger or frustration any more time than I have to;it does sneak up on me from time to time but, I try very hard to let it go and be thankful for all that I have, including your friendship.
God bless,
Hollyberry

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Thanks for the offer of a daily hug Slick, I appreciate that. lol. I just wanted to correct something that's important to me but I knew what you meant. I haven't lived with cancer for 20 years, I have lived with the after effects of it. To me there is a big difference because for me I looked at the cancer as being truly gone after my second run in with it, 2 years after diagnosis. I have mentioned the reason why a few times so I won't go into it now. Those who really need a daily hug from all of us are those who live with cancer itself on a daily basis for years and years, I can't imagin that. I got rid of the beast 18 years ago and the thing that I am very grateful for, amongst many things, is that I never let the fear of recurrance ruin my life. Turns out it was and is the after effects that are 'scwewing' me up daily. So my hats are off to those who bravely battle the beast daily - and on and on, they are such strong individuals and heroes to me. But in the end let's face it - we all go down the same route of emotions with it all, whether that road be long or short, we are all linked in that common journey.

I do the same thing as you Slick, get up each day and read all the postings with my morning cofee - especially the postings under this heading. I really think that the emotional sides of cancer still aren't being dealt with from the getgo upon diagnosis with continuous follow ups afterwards for the patient. I will take the daily cyber hug though Slick, no taking that back. lol. Hugs back, Blueroses.

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

Blueroses. I stand corrected and I really did know better ha ha. And I understand the difference and your reasons as we have talked about it before. And you would still get the daily hugs as you have delt with the emotional issues involved along with all the side effects for so many years. Your completly right about the emotional issues not being delt with by the medical community. I was really screwed up during and after my cancer treatments. A friend called and wanted to see me as he was dealing with a brain tumor. We spent hours talking about side effects, drugs and our families, along with suicide so our wives could collect insurance. Pretty serious stuff. After a 2 year fight Steve didn't make it. When he passed I was completly lost. My doctors had no answers as I had too many medical problems for a psych to understand, and they were right. Its not the same as talking to someone who has been there. So we have this site and each other. I guess if I had the money I would build a facility for cancer survivors where they could work through the emotional issues together. Just a week of talking and learning from each other along with medical staff to talk about side effects and treatment options. Something the insurance world would never cover or understand. So I better win the lottery soon so I can meet all of you. Hugs to everyone Slickwilly

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Hey Slickster, Yup I knew that you undestood just wanted to make the point about the differences. Oh boy could I get into it about the lack of emotional support with the powers that be over support issues for patients and survivors but I have no energy to take that on. I always look admiringly at those who started the Breast Cancer Movement as they did not only a tremendous service for their type of cancer but for us all as well. They brought so much light on this issue to the general public and to those faced with the diagnosis as well I just stand in awe of their strength and gifts to us all. I come from a Promotions/Media background so it is really hard for me to see a need in the cancer field that is not met but if I can get the floors swept in a day I feel like throwing a party to celebrate. Woohoo, lol. I have mentioned this on another of my postings (sheesh can I yap or what - just noticed how many postings I have, yikes) but I truly feel that there should be staff onhand, trained in dealing with cancer patients, who is on site at cancer clinics to deal with newly diagnosed patients - I mean have just been told, as a part of the medical process. I know that at that time they are in shock but that should be verbalized to them as being NATURAL and then they should be advised of all that is available to them for support (not just some helpline they can call that is anonymous and takes days to get back to you) and then they should leave with a full binder of emergency help and information as to ways they can find support. AND THEN THE PROFESSION NEEDS TO FOLLOW UP WITH EACH PATIENT, not just give them the binder and send them on their way. In that binder should also be sections for caregivers as they are so neglected in the beginning and of course need the support as well. It is no coincidence that if you look down this list of thread subjects and numbers who have responded, besides the long list of special types of cancers, in the section below under other topics the Emotional Issues one and the Caregivers ones get the most attenion - two areas that are crying out for help in the journey through and with cancer for all affected.

Oh I agree Slickster, the funding for this type of project would have to be private - emotional issues are always at the bottom of the medical list of priorities it seems, almost everywhere, and that's a complete shame. Our feelings have soooooooo much to do with our recovery but you are right, the funding for this massive an undertaken in emotional support probably wouldn't even be considered. There are many groups out there now fighting for something like what I am proposing but their fight is long indeed. Wish I had the resources of energy and money to help make this happen as well. Hmm, the lottery today up here is worth $33 million, aw nuts, not feeling well enough to get out for a freakin ticket. Grrrrrrrrr. lol.

I'm going to shut up now before I put you all too sleep. HEY WAKE UP. LOL. Love you all, Blueroses.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Slickwilly,

No matter how rushed I may be, in the morning, no matter how tired I feel in the afternoon, I can't help but visit this message board to find out how my fellow "carcinoma kids" are doing. Your thoughts, your fears, your joys, and your tears have become important to me and I look forward to this part of my day. As you know, I have no family left, save a few cousins, so, I guess, you have all become part of my extended family of choice, or perhaps, more than that since we all have one big thing in common. Thank you very much for being you.

Love, Courage, and Gratitude!

Rick

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

I feel the same way. I find my self getting up starting the coffee pot, turning the computer on and getting on this site to see if any of my friends have left a post. I guess when you share Your thoughts, your fears, your joys, and your tears together you become Very close to someone. I would be Proud to be part of your Extended family. We can laugh, cry, Vent, and even complain and Some one will reply and brighten our day. Today for some reason has been real tough on me. I had been doing pretty good but today I woke up with a Cry. We had snow come in and they sent all of us home from work. As soon as i walked in to this house I just lost it. I miss my wife so much, today comming home and She was not here. It is just so hard to deal with all of my greif. Thanks for listening
Mr Sad

Dreamdove's picture
Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

Although it seems "everybody" out there has close friends and family around them all the time, it is often a lonely road for cancer survivors and those undergoing treatment. Some of us have lost friends and partners and let's face it, some people avoid us. I will always be the "person who had the cancer." At work, at relative functions, etc. Nobody looks at me the same anymore. I don't even get invited to anything anymore. Yet I act like myself and don't even mention cancer all that much. If it wasn't for my kids (2 are grown up and out of the house), my sister who lives in another state and is a self-righteous religious fanatic, and my mother who is 82, lives in another state, and annoys the heck out of me on the phone and I always end up feeling guilty, I'd be totally alone except for my 2 cats, Sam and Charlie. So, I, too, look forward to the "regular's" nearly daily postings. It's additive!

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I feel the same way about our situations after cancer, being alone in it all in our individual surroundings/situations, but even if we had someone with us, or friends/family near, I think we would still probably feel alone in our situation at times, as no one understands us completely, except for those who have personally been there. So, for us struggling with cancer or its after effects I think this is a part of it we all face, to some degree.

I lost my Mother 4 years ago, she just got old and started to fail, quite quickly actually. She always lived a distance from me but we talked on the phone daily all of my adult life, since I moved away from my childhood home at 19, sometimes we spoke more than once a day on that phone. When she passed away so suddenly I truly realized I had lost my best friend and even though she drove me nuts almost daily, Mother and daughter relationships can be rough alright, that phone was never more quiet. I mean people called me but she never did again and that was just so hard for me. You know, and this is embarassing but what the heck I have spilled my guts already on this site, but about 3 months later in the middle of a day I picked up the phone and called her number. And when the automated operator said 'I'm sorry this number is no longer in service' I realized the finality of it all. Love the ones you have around you, they can be gone in a second. I have no idea why I went into all of that, just popped into my head. Sigh. Hugs Dream, Blueroses.

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Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

Blueroses, thanks for the reminder about trying to appreciate my mother while she is here, even though she drives me nuts. I often think about how things would be if my mother passed away. She is my best friend, too. I try to overlook the annoying, irritating things she does. I couldn't imagine not being able to call her. But she is 82 and losing it fast. I try so hard to be patient. She is so terrible at listening and I find that the most difficult to deal with. I could deal with the criticism (I'm used to it) but there is always this dead silence on the other end of the phone when I am talking to her and then later she will ask questions that I already talked about during the dead silence. I ask myself, "why do I bother talking--why not wait until she asks the inevitable questions?" but I can't help myself. She even makes up stuff that she thought I said and then I have to correct her. Oh well. I have 2 daughters myself, ages 14 and 22 and I probably drive them insane, too. Maybe it is a mother/daughter thing.....

I also like how you said that even when we have people around us, we are still somehow alone because they don't understand what we are going thru. I know my kids don't understand. I tried to make them understand but you can only go so far trying to get someone to understand.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Wow that was unreal Dream cause my Mum did all of that too. Woah. I thought I was reading about my relationship with my Mum during the last year or so of her life. My Mum used to get things wrong I was trying to say and alot of dead silence. Later though I wonder if maybe she was failing in some ways, like her hearing and that is what it was all about but I guess I will never know. Does your Mum have Altzheimers? I went through lots of criticism with my Mum too, interesting. Try and ignore her idiocyncracies though if you at all can, you will be glad you did in time. It's hard I know though because when we are sick ourselves we need, and in fact expect, our Mommies to take care of us even yet and when they are not available through failing mental and physical issues it is very hard for us to understand. I felt just like you do now when I was dealing with it too but now that I am without her then maybe being able to help you with all of this through the rest of your time with her might, hopefully, be a bit easier.

As far as you kids are concerned I realized awhile ago that my kids are probably still struggling with my health in their own way even yet so I'm doing my best to not expect them to understand too much about what I go through. I am not saying you are doin However I did at one time and now that neither of them live with me because they are away at university and starting their own lives in other provinces I can see things more clearly. But in many ways I felt the same way you do now. Have you taken the kids to a counsellor with you to talk about your illness, espcially the 14 year old? That might help you all a bit. Just a suggestion. Take care, Blueroses.

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Dreamdove
Posts: 175
Joined: Sep 2008

Blueroses, I know my mother won't be around much longer--I can feel it. I've had to start letting go. I really don't run to her with all my problems anymore. I can tell she is having trouble understanding what I am talking about. She gets confused very easily and I don't always talk slow enough for her. No, I wouldn't say she has Altzheimers but her brain processes are definitely slowing down. Her mother had it and also one of her sisters. But her doctor told her that her mind is still sharp. She did go thru chemo over 20 years ago for breast cancer. I know my mother will go before me because for years I have had this dream where she is always waiting for me at the train station. One time (quite awhile back) she told me about dreams she has sometimes where she is at a train station waiting for me! Then I told her about my dreams. As far as my 14 year old, she was 12 when I was diagnosed and the school must have found out about it somehow that I was in the hospital. The guidance councelor called her to her office and wanted her to come to see her to discuss the issues but she refused. Actually, I think she has learned to deal with it on her own. I used to feel hurt that she wasn't sensitive to what I was going thru but she was only 12. Monday she had 6 teeth pulled so she herself has been going thru some issues and I've had to help her. Hopefully, having that experience will make her realize that it isn't easy for anybody to have health problems (or teeth problems!) She experienced bleeding, pain, and chipmonk cheeks. I had to nurse her quite abit the first day. I got her special drinks and foods, kept giving her fresh gauze for the bleeding, gave her pills and drinks to help her swallow them, etc. I was in Wal-mart last night with my 22-year old and I forgot what I was going to look for next because I got distracted. She was like wow how could you forget that? But I had to remind her about the chemo and then she said that's right: chemo-brain.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Sounds like you have all the bases covered. For me it was a bit different because I thought my daughter was dealing with it all alright but deep inside she was definitely frightened that I would not make it then she would be alone, even though she knew she could always live with her Dad. The teen years are hell on earth anywho so something huge like your only parent being sick can be masked in a teen but if you watch carefully you will see their personalities change - sometimes slightly and other times they do things behind your back. Mine got in with a bad crowd and started drinking, I had no idea, NONE. I feel like an idiot seeing I was home all the time, how could I miss that but the kids were smart and chose vodka so the parents couldnt smell it. It still freaks me out that I didnt see it. I moved her away from that area FAST when I realized what was happening and got her into a youth group and she is much more centered now. Close one though, they can really hide their true emotions, or at least mine did. Take care, Blueroses.

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blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

we least expect it. Yup, I think we all have that happen. We go along after getting the diagnosis, or losing loved ones we have cared for, or taking our icky treatments and get to a point when we felt we were doing alright. Then one day we are just doing our laundry or coming home from an outing and WHAM it smacks us upside the head and we fall to our knees. It will happen over and over but hopefully the times between will get wider and wider as we start to heal just enough to be able to go on more routinely. It will of course never leave us completely, nor would we want it to of course, but we can learn that we will have those times and to me, they are a reminder of what we can learnt from the whole process, thus far, and a reminder of those who we have loved and who have loved us - that's what is important and a tribute to our lives. Even if now we find ourselves alone we have loved and still are loved by someone and ultimately (for me anyways) by God. We are never alone. For us on this site we are also blessed with this site and those who truly care about each and everyone of us as well through great understanding. So Mr. Sad you indeed are part of a new family, as well as the one you have there with your children, and welcome to it. Grief is indeed tough to handle, and yours is so raw and new but we are all here for you as well. You have your children to raise and you are healthy, so with those two situations in your life you have a great goal before you - raising those kids with strength and love as I know you are doing. When I was in the hospital during isolation after the bone marrow transplant that's what I prayed for - a chance to stick around long enough to raise my children. That is a powerful prayer to offer up, for survivors and caregivers alike, not just to remain on this earth to help them on their way in life for us survivors but for caregivers as well, to continue giving them the stability of a parent when they have just lost the other one.
Pray for the strength Mr. Sad and you won't be disappointed. God has already brought you to this site for help too. Hugs, Blueroses.

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

Hope this finds you doing well. The days are slowly getting more nanageable. I was blessed to have loved as long as god let me. Our Love was very special and Cathy gave me two great Kids that now must be my focus. I have been doing a lot more with them when I can, They still have their friends and I have to let them do there own thing, but when I get the chance, We do things together. David (my 17 year old) and I went Camping Last weekend, we had a great time even if it was very cold. I am extremely lucky to have all my friends on this site. I look so forward to comming on and reading everyones post. I never dreamed how tough this grief was going to be. While I was caring for Cathy I thought what it would be like when I lost her espicially towards the end when she was getting so sick. I thought I was trying to prepare my self for my loss but I was so wrong. The Shock is so deep, You feel so lost, Lonely, hurt, disapointed, mad so many emotions that you have never experienced. Its like you realize Your life will never be the same again. I know that the kids and you guys are helping me to get thru all of this. I just miss her so much. Will that feeling ever get any better? I know its only been a short time but every day when I come home and the kids are not here I feel so Lonly, If I did not have you guys and my faith I think I would go crazy.
Thanks for your support
Floyd

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Thanks for asking, I am doing alright. I'm glad to hear that the days are more manageable and that you are keeping busy with your boys. Children ground us so much, more than we realized in times of great stress and loss. How are the kids doing with the loss? I know several people who have lost spouses for various reasons and sometimes counselling is a good idea for them with a good grief counsellor, individual counselling and then with you and them both. I don't know if you have considered that or need it. Just a thought. I personally experienced loss of my spouse but through divorce and although it's in most ways totally different from your loss I can relate in a couple of ways and the lonliness part of going it alone after they are gone comes and goes over a long period of time. However in your case, as you so eloquently stated, you did have each other in a very special bond that is obvious from your description. You were both indeed blessed in that, some never experience that in their lifetime. I don't think anyone is ever truly prepared for the end, you think you are and then when it happens it takes you to your knees. However it sounds like you are getting up from all of that, slowly - but that is normal, and as you said first off in your posting - things are getting more manageable now that the intial shock has passed. Faith is so important in a person's recovery from whatever the strain they are going through and I am so glad to know that you are routed in faith as well. I wouldn't be here without it, I know that. All the best to you Floyd, keep us up to date on how you are doing. We are all here for you. Hugs, Blueroses.

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Rick, I am in the same boat that you seem to be as far as being on my own with only the occasional cousin here and there but even at that, at a distance. One of them has however become a great email pal and I look forward to her emails as well daily as a source of understanding as well. I do have 2 children but they are young and starting their own lives in other parts of the world so basically I am alone. I don't know if I have ever mentioned that, chemo brain strikes again. lol. However, even if I was in better health and had some family closer, I know I would still start my days off with checking these boards, still wanting to be grounded in knowing that whatever remnants of the treatments/disease I might be dealing with, I am still validated in how that might affect my daily life at that point. Know what I mean? Validation in this radical change in our lives (physically/emotionally) , brought on by the cancer/treatments, is so important to each and every one of us and I just wish more survivors could find this site so that they too would be able to take advantage of the support and understanding we have found on this site. I think it's more than having something in common that joins us together so strongly, that's the beginning of the bond but what is more important is that the understanding and validation keep us here. I personally want to extend a big thank you and hug to Google for helping me to find my way here. lol. Have the best day possilbe, friends. Blueroses.

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zahalene
Posts: 678
Joined: Nov 2005

I haven't posted in this thread since up near the top, but I just wanted to let you all know that I am reading all that has been said and crying and laughing and nodding yes and no here and there. But this morning something really cool happened. As most of you know, I live with my disabled dad and am kept pretty close to home most of the time. It can get a tad wearisome. But today I get the strongest feeling that I am sitting in a cozy room around a roaring fire (it's cold here!) in a big comfy chair and every one of you are here with me. Just chewin' the fat (as we say in Ark) and patting each other on the back of the hand in understanding or jumping up to give a hug and go for a fresh pot of coffee....u know? Makes me feel like my life is full-to-bustin'. Thanks friends. Zah

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

In your scenario there I volunteer to cyberally get the coffee for the group. I might add something to it from time to time (don't tell) on really rough days one of us is having. lol. That is the coolest thing, to all of a sudden get that picture. Sometimes when I am reading posts I do the same thing, acknowledge out loud or by a nod when someone says something I can personally relate to, which is indeed frequently. That image you just gave us is one I am going to use and keep if you don't mind for when you read these posts it is so amazing how validating it all is that sometimes you do feel like the person writing it is inside your space and dealing with what you do. Very cool image, thanks for sharing, I love it. P.S. I will bring snacks too and they won't be on the Weight Watchers diet, I promise. lol. Freshly baked cinnamon buns anyone? There now you can put a scent to that cozy scene too of the buns just baked. lol. Hugs Zah, hope you are well. Hugs, Blueroses.

zahalene's picture
zahalene
Posts: 678
Joined: Nov 2005

can I have lots of that gooey white icing on mine?

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Marked you down on my cyber baking list 'make sure Zah has white gooey icing'. lol

peggy65's picture
peggy65
Posts: 100
Joined: Jan 2009

i am not sure just where to jump in. i have read most of the postings and i have similar problems. i posted something on the breast cancer link but after reading this site i think this site may be more appropriate. i am one year out of treatment and feel almost guilty that i am still very fatigued and unable to do many of the things that i am used to doing. it is like i am a totally different person, i know my core is still there, but i am having to accept the fact that there are certain things that are too much for me as yet. i get overwhelmed easily and that makes me angry and frustrated. as i said on the other site, i am sick of being sick and tired. i know that many of you have much more serious problems than i do and i hesitate to moan and groan after reading your postings. i wish all of you my best, with love and support, peggy

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

There is no such thing as moaning and groaning on this site. Your feelings are your feelings and those are true, not to be judged on a sliding scale of severity as opposed to others feelings and situations so let's get that straight. One person's medical and emotional situation is just as important and in need of validation as the next person's, regardless of personal cancer situation.

The issue we are speaking of here, the lack of understanding of our condition after treatments (for many of us) is a really common one. There is that silly old wives tale or whatever you want to call it that you are diagnosed with cancer, you get treatment, then once the treatments are over you just simpley go back to your old life, same as before. HELLLLLOOOOOO? YOu have just been treated with toxic substances, sometimes radiated, and while all of that can cure us - it also damages healthy cells - sometimes for good. Some people do better with the treatments than others so one story is never exactly like the next but I am here to tell you that, in my humble opinion, we are never the same after diagnosis - in one way or two ways or 10 ways, depending on the severity of treatment/cancer. But those around us, maybe out of hope alone want us so badly to be just like we were that they mirror that onto us I think - to a point, and also too this concept of us 'never being the same' is just something they cant quite grasp - heck, we as patients have a hard time with that concept as well.

You said something very important, you said 'my core is still there' and that is a very healthy knowing to have and to hold onto as many other things about us may change as well. Many mood issues are treatment related I am sure and I don't only mean stress issues we deal with but real chemical and hormonal changes that cause us to be just 'not quite the same'. These things aren't discussed as so we take it to heart and feel it is 'just us' not being able to cope as well as the next person and that may not be it - it might be chemical. When I look back at the years after my bone marrow transplant I went through a real angry and frustrated stage and I know my ex just thought I was being a jerk but now I look back and can remember how it felt when I grew angry - it felt physical - not sure I know how to explain that.

The cancer field has a lot to learn and especially to SHARE with patients about the possibilites of after effects from the treatments. No, not everyone will experience them or to the same depth perhaps but just going over the possibilities will help us to understand what has gone on and is going on with our bodies so we don't feel we are 'moaning and groaning' or just plain going nuts.

You aren't alone in this Peggy. Perhaps having your husband lead some of the postings from others on this site who are saying just what you are will help him understand this side of our health issues. Pick a few comments that support what you are going through and print them out for him and your kids to read. I don't know how old your kids are but if they are in their 20ties or up they might benefit from seeing others situations are like yours as well. Also too there are some good cancer psychologists around that can help you and your family deal with all of this, just make sure that they are fully accredited and not just a wanna be therapist that put a shingle out on his/her door. I wish you all the best. Blueroses.

Pnktopaz10
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2008

Hi all
I wanted to say that knowing about this board, reading and writing on it has been such a life saver for me. I have a wonderful husband who took great care of me~something that I am not sure I could have lived without. Since the end of my treatments he varies from expecting me to be the person that I was before to protecting me so much that if I do something around the house he gets upset. I do not know what to say to him. I know that he does not understand the depths of anguish we all have gone through with this disease and I pray that he never goes through it himself. I truly rely on this board to help me get through some days.
What I would like to know is how to help him understand that I am not the same person and that I do need to be able to do things, when I feel that I can, that some days are good and some not so good? Thanks so much! Hugs, Pnktopaz10

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

What you are talking about regardless of who it is who doesn't understand what we are going through post treatment, even lonnnggggg after, is basically due to lack of information about this area of cancer. Media and physicians alike often portray us as only having to live with cancer and its more obvious effects (like people who are in wheelchairs because of it, stuff like that - visible disabilities. When anyone has invisible disabilities due to cancer like fatigue or neuropathies it's harder for people to believe what they can't see. It is also a fact that it is more popular for cancer survivors to be strong and once over the treatments thats it, to the majority who havent been touched by it personally. I think the best thing you could do to help him understand is to pick out some postings on this board from we survivors who have and still are struggling with all of these things so he can see that you are not the only one. Also if that doesnt work or for some other reason you don't like that idea then I would look for a good cancer therapist who does work with cancer patients and their families. Even a very good grief therapist would probably help as that is really what he is struggling with, loss of how he used to see you and what expectations he used to have for you and now doesn't know where to put all of that grief and probably anger and all the stages of loss he too has experienced. Hope some of that helps. Hugs, Blueroses.

P.S. I forgot to mention that I was in your position when I was married as that is when my first diagnosis took place and through the bone marrow transplant and years after as well, I was just divorced about 5 or 6 years ago. The point is that since it all was so long ago my ex to this day has no idea of all I go through and the after effects of most of my medical issues from the treatments as most after effects have just come to light as being treatment related for some of them. If he tries to reduce my alimony though he will find out pretty quick, lol. Surprise. lol. Just thought I would add that similarity so that you would know that you arent alone in this.

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

I was and am in the same boat as you. It takes a face to face and heart to heart talk to work through this issue. Even though we have many physical problems and limitations our life would be pretty worthless if we just sat on the couch. We have to be allowed to be somewhat productive even if it hurts sometimes. I have had this same talk with my wife and daughters. I also had to learn to ask for help when I needed it as I was someone that would tackle things alone. When talking with cancer patients this is a constant issue and I just had this talk last week with a woman and her spouse. It was agreed that she should be allowed to do 3 simple tasks a day during her treatments. No matter how little, so she felt like she was contributing to the home. It also gave her something to look forward too. Cooking was off the table as she has chemo brain so bad she would burn down the house. But there was compromise on both sides and they are happy. And that is what its all about, being happy or trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Slickwilly

Pnktopaz10
Posts: 56
Joined: Oct 2008

Thank you Blueroses and Slickwilly for your comments and ideas. All are good. I will have a talk with hubby and then show him this board. I think that he just wants all of this to go away~wouldn't that be cool~! He had gotten better about letting me do things. Since I am retired and he is still working I was just waiting for him to leave then I started cleaning out closets, cupboards and drawers. Once I got to the kitchen the jig was up lol. But he saw what I was able to do and I think that helped a lot! Now he is asking me what I plan to do next. I take that as a great sign but I am still going to have a heart to heart with him. I know he worries~cheno brain here~ because I forget what it was I was doing if I don't complete it. The other day I was loading the washer and when the cycle was done I went back and had forgotten to put most of the clothes in! I thought that was hysterical! I was laughing so hard I was crying and then I did the wash that should have been done... no one the wiser. I do really love this board and the topics that are discussed it is so helpful! Take care all Pnktopaz10

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I was in having a complete physical done with my GP who has been with me for over 24 years and knows me very well as well as my two kids. While she was doing the exam she asked me how old my daughter is now as she hadn't seen her in quite a while and I drew a total blank, and for a long time too. I couldn't remember the date of her birth, confusing it with my son's, and couldn't do the math once I had figured it out. That scared me. My GP was really taken aback by the memory blurp and then asked me if I did know what year it was. Sheeesh. Man it's hard enough for us to get doctors to believe in us then for her to see that blip, now she won't trust anything I say or think. Oh well she got a good look at why I asked her to get me into the memory clinic alright. Sigh. Now both my kids are adopted so maybe the pain of actual birth might have helped me but I doubt it - the memories of the dates were totally just gone. Man was that ever embarassing. I am going to do some testing at a Memory Clinic here - hope they all have a good sleep the night before they try and assess me, lol. May the force be with them. Blessings, Blueroses.

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

I think there is a conspiracy against people that have had cancer. Everyone tries to trip us up with questions about dates, times and places. My wife is no doubt in charge of this conspiracy as she keeps telling me I don't remember anything. My daughter writes down her weekly schedule and puts it on the fridge so she is a co-conspirator as well. Even my dog keeps looking at me after a walk until I remember his treat. last weekend I closed my house door with my finger still in the frame. I swore at my house as I know its involved now. I got an e-mail from a long lost relative in Spain that is holding millions of dollars for me if I send them some money. I guess it was some relatives I forgot about. Naw, just another way of picking on chemo brain people. I guess the only people not picking on us is the bill collectors, Government and doctors that always call to remind us of anything we forget. Well I hope this made you laugh as its better then dealing with the frustration of memory loss. Just don't forget that someone cares about you. Bless you Slickwilly

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

Leave it to you Slick to turn things around, I just about spit my coffee out on the computer monitor when I read your entry here - the conspiracy theory - too hysterical. I especially enjoyed the dog and house co-conspirators. What a hoot. Hey my cat is looking at me funny, I see your point, lol. This morning I woke up feeling like, oh cwap another day of putting overwhelming issues off - yada yada, but the day was turned around totally by responses on this discussion board (yours totally included) and a message that was left on my telephone answering machine. I will try and be brief here in explaining it but brevity isn't my strong point as you all have painfully realized in the length of my postings - sorry about that by the way,lol. Anywho I got a message from my cat groomer who I want to come and clip my cat, haven't talked to her for a long while. In the message she said that she thought of me often and worried about how I was doing and that a small prayer card I gave her has become a nightly prayer she and her children say each night before going to bed - it has become one of their favourites. Now Slick I am nowhere near a bible thumping religious spreader of the Good Word but I came across a TV show about 3 years ago about a nun who came over to the states and founded an Order in Indiana and was known for her healing powers and after that it was like I was drawn to her story. I wrote the Order (never had done anything like that in my life before) and the Sister there sent me some little relic cards with a tiny piece of fabric that touched the founder of the Order at one point. From that day on I swear my life made a U turn for the better - hard to explain. From that day on I gave out the cards to people who I was drawn to give them to, not everyone I met. The groomer was a new groomer when she came into my home to do the cat so I didn't know anything about it so risked being looked at as a religous freak by her but instead when I gave her the card and told her the story of this Saint she acted like she won the lottery. Now from this message on the phone I can see that this Saint changed her whole families way of praying even. Isn't that amazing? So I will label this day as a good day, because of you and other posters on the site with their encouragement and caring and of course to Saint Mother Theodore Guerin, the most hard working Saint there is around. lol. Once she comes into your life, it's never quite the same. Hope you have a good day too Slick. Okay I'm done now I can hear you starting to snore Slick. lol. Thanks again for your support. Hugs, Blueroses.

slickwilly's picture
slickwilly
Posts: 339
Joined: Feb 2007

I am so happy I could make you laugh. I would never want to harm someone that is dealing with problems here. But sometimes looking at things a different way helps. My wife and daughter read my post and both laughed. But they also admitted thaere was a lot of truth in it if you look at things from my perspective. When my daughter who is in nursing school forgets something she says her dad's chemo brain rubbed off on her. Now when she forgets something at school the other nurses are saying she has chemo brain. The vast conspiracy is still growing ha ha. Hugs and Blessings to you Blueroses

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