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It's Aimee again, just updating

aimeemarie
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2008

Hi Everyone,
Well first I'd like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. If you guys didn't know I am the one that posted the subject "I'm about to lose my mom" a few weeks ago. Well just to update everyone, she has taken a turn for the worse. Her oncologist is saying it will be a matter of weeks, if that.

I came home from Indianapolis tonight to find my mom laying in a hospital bed in the middle of our living room, so drugged up she didn't know where she was half the time. I crawled into the bed with her and laid my head on her chest, feeling her heart beat slowly, holding her cool hand in mine and told her how much I loved her. My mind raced a million miles a minute trying to figure out what I needed to tell her, to make sure I told her everything I could think of before she leaves me, but all I could say was "I love you so much". She hugged me back and looked at me in the eyes and said "I'm not going to make it" and then she said "If everyone only knew how badly I wanted to be here" It just killed me.

All I could do was hold her and cry and I said, which I know I shouldn't have, but I did "I don't want you to leave me" I cried so hard even though I've tried my best not to cry in front of her. I'm so sad and nothing I can do or anyone can say will ever make that pain go away. So now I am here, to sit and watch my mother, my best friend, my light, die. I'm still in my 20's, I just can't believe it's happening now. She was suppose to be there for me through everything, that's not going to happen now. It's just so unfair.

A few weeks ago, she went back into the hospital and while we were waiting for the ambulance to come get her (her breathing was very short and her blood pressure was very high) my step dad asked her if she was to be put on a ventilator what she wanted to do because she was told she would probably never come off it. I walked into the room and she called me over to her and said "Aimee, if I have to go on a ventilator what do you think I should do?" With all my strength I told her I couldn't answer that question, that that wasn't my decision to make and that whatever she wanted to do I would support. That was the hardest thing I could have done. Of course I wanted to say "No mom, I want you to fight it, I don't want you to leave me" but I knew in my heart that would have very selfish on my part so I just told her it was up to her. I feel terrible for it, almost like I told her it was ok to die.

God, the emotions that go along with it are like no other. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Somehow I'll get through it, just not sure how. I know these next couple of weeks are going to be the darkest ever. I just pray for peace and strength.
Thank you for all that listened. I hope you all find happiness this Christmas.
Aimee

Mawoni
Posts: 20
Joined: Nov 2008

Dear Aimee ... Your post breaks my heart. I can not express the depth of my pain for you. I lost my Mother to cancer when I was in my early 20's and I had all the same feelings you are experiencing now. It is incredibly difficult to watch someone we love so very much be taken away from us this way. We just have to find a strength inside ourselves, that up till now we didn't know we had. Trust that there is a reason that we may never understand and rest in the peace of knowing there will be no more suffering for Mom.
My heart goes out to you .... Maw

zahalene's picture
zahalene
Posts: 624
Joined: Nov 2005

at the strength and maturity you ladies show when undergoing something so horrific in your twenties. I am 60 now, but when I look back at myself in my 20's I just know I could not have handled something like this at that age. I lost my mom in my mid-fifties and that was hard enough.
Aimee, you did right to tell your mom that it was her decision. You were not telling her it was ok to die, you were giving her your blessing for whatever comes. I believe the greatest gift we can give someone who is about to leave us is the knowledge that, whatever happens, we will be ok. You let your mom know that you were capable of handling whatever she decided. I know that gives her enormous peace.
Please hug your mom for me. God bless.
Zah

MR_SAD's picture
MR_SAD
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2008

My Wife is also in a hospital bed here in our home. She is not doing so good. she has gotten very weak and no longer communicates to well. I feel the end is coming. Use the time you have to be with your Mom and talk to her or just sit and hold her hand and tell her you love her even if you think she is out of it she will hear you and know you are there. Most of my days are spent setting with my wife. I do all the talking now but she seams to know that i am there. I just hold her hand, rub her head and tell her I love Her. This will be an extremely hard time for you, It is hard on all of us, Just know you are not alone. This is a great place to talk to other People that are going thru the same tough times.

Eil4186's picture
Eil4186
Posts: 967
Joined: Dec 2007

Amiee, I am so sorry to read about your Mom. This is just so incredibly sad. I lost my Mom in my 20s and it was very hard. She suffered for years with depression and anxiety and eventually took her own life. It is so unnatural to lose your Mom so young. I will pray that God will grant you strength and peace during the next few weeks as you are there for your Mom. I am sure that she knows how very much you love her and is comforted by your presence. You and your Mom are in my prayers and thoughts. Eil

hunpot's picture
hunpot
Posts: 90
Joined: Nov 2008

Aimmee--
I feel your pain and thoughts i just went through the same emotions and thoughts just 4 months ago with my mom. Your post brought back all the memories. Just you being there for your mom is the best thing for you both, She knows you love and support her and you will have these times to grow and be strong now and in the future. They may be drugged but i believe and they say they know and feel whats going on around them so for you to just be there holding her she knows and feels that. Its the best thing to have for the future i laid in bed with mom the night before she passed just holding her in my arms i will never forget that night and have that for my memories its one i will cherish for the rest of my life to have been able to be there and just hold her and tell her it wasokay and i was there and she would be alright. I remeber telling her it was okay and she didnt have to suffer anymore go and be peacefully and happy again. My mom never opened her eyes the last two days i kept asking if she new what was going on i feared she didnt now i was there for her but i would ask every once in while if she was okay and to rub my hand and she would i would ask if she new i was there and tell her to squueze my hand so i new and she would. The hardest thing to go through in life is for us children to watch our mom or dad just slip away. We all have to make hard decisons in life about what to do in unexpected situations and your mom asking you what to do incase of ventilator was probably her way of getting reassurance from you that is was okay, mom had asked me the same and of course i wanted her to fight but after a week of thinking we decided on a DNR why put her on that when she wouldnt know what wasgoing on and come out of it awake i didnt want to watch her suffer anymore then what she had already and was still suffering with just let her go peacefully, and boy it came a time twice when she stopped breathing we called EMTS and i just yelled "save her" please "save her" they never did have to use the ventilator they got her breathing back again(she had trache tube so they just cleared that so it was a little easier) but i remeber going through those times. ALL your emotions are normal and very hard for us children to make tough decsions but your strength and courage is what will get you through this and your mom , but you both will have peace knowing you were there for her and she loves you. Your mom will always love you even though she cant be here she will be in your heart and memories forever thats all i have now and it is very hard to go on everyday but i just keep saying she would want me to be strong and do things for her thats what gets me through everyday. Extremly hard and the crying has just beginning but you will manage I have faith you seem like a strong young girl take this as a lesson and learn form itone of the hardest lesson we have to go through as children I miss my mom everyday I wish she was hear but like you say nothing we say or do can or will take away the pain somehow we just manage to go on i dont know how i am doing it but i am living proof, STAY STRONG and Just be there She alreadys knows how you feel just hold her everyday you can and tell her its alright and you will be okay she needs to know you will be okay in order to let go she needs to know her child will be okay.
POOR aimmee im so sorry you have to go through this its terrible. please stay strong !! GOD BLESS YOU and your step dad be ther for him it has to be just as hard for him to watch his love go through this terrible ordeal and im sure he feels more pain that yo uhaev to encounter this so young tell him you love him and you two will be okay togther.
tracy

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I can't possibly come up with any more meaningful words than have already been expressed on this page by all who replied to your posting Aimmee. I can only add that I too feel your pain and lost my Mum a few years back, not to cancer - but to lose our Moms is just excruiating no matter how it happens. You are a pillar of strength and maturity Aimmee, especially for one so young, and are doing the exact right things when it comes to your Mum - you are showing her your love daily and that is the most comforting and healing thing you can do for her at this time, healing for her soul. I was close to my Mom too and now that a little time has passed since she left me I realize how lucky I was to have a close relationship with her and to have all the wonderful memories that we had. My prayers are with you and your Mom. Blessings always, Blueroses.

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