Dec 25, 2008 - 12:40 am
I came home from Indianapolis tonight to find my mom laying in a hospital bed in the middle of our living room, so drugged up she didn't know where she was half the time. I crawled into the bed with her and laid my head on her chest, feeling her heart beat slowly, holding her cool hand in mine and told her how much I loved her. My mind raced a million miles a minute trying to figure out what I needed to tell her, to make sure I told her everything I could think of before she leaves me, but all I could say was "I love you so much". She hugged me back and looked at me in the eyes and said "I'm not going to make it" and then she said "If everyone only knew how badly I wanted to be here" It just killed me.
All I could do was hold her and cry and I said, which I know I shouldn't have, but I did "I don't want you to leave me" I cried so hard even though I've tried my best not to cry in front of her. I'm so sad and nothing I can do or anyone can say will ever make that pain go away. So now I am here, to sit and watch my mother, my best friend, my light, die. I'm still in my 20's, I just can't believe it's happening now. She was suppose to be there for me through everything, that's not going to happen now. It's just so unfair.
A few weeks ago, she went back into the hospital and while we were waiting for the ambulance to come get her (her breathing was very short and her blood pressure was very high) my step dad asked her if she was to be put on a ventilator what she wanted to do because she was told she would probably never come off it. I walked into the room and she called me over to her and said "Aimee, if I have to go on a ventilator what do you think I should do?" With all my strength I told her I couldn't answer that question, that that wasn't my decision to make and that whatever she wanted to do I would support. That was the hardest thing I could have done. Of course I wanted to say "No mom, I want you to fight it, I don't want you to leave me" but I knew in my heart that would have very selfish on my part so I just told her it was up to her. I feel terrible for it, almost like I told her it was ok to die.
God, the emotions that go along with it are like no other. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Somehow I'll get through it, just not sure how. I know these next couple of weeks are going to be the darkest ever. I just pray for peace and strength.