I just needed to write on here and get out some of my sadness. I just turned 27 and have been through hell and back it seems in the past year and a half. To start off, my mother, who is my best friend, was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer May of last year. We were told she would not be here for that Christmas and to prepare ourselves for a long and hard struggle as this type of cancer has horrible side effects, which it does. Over the past year, my mom lost 100 pounds; luckily she was 200 at the time but now is skin and bones. She found a doctor willing to do radiation and chemo to try and shrink the tumor in her chest which was the size of a softball. Thankfully, it shrunk enough to have surgery to remove it. They took out all of her esophagus and part of her stomach, stretched that up to create an esophagus, in November of last year. She went through more radiation and more chemo only to find that it had spread to her liver and an adrenal gland. During all this, I had my own problems to try to overcome. In May of 2007 I filed for divorce. My ex-husband was never around, nor there for me through my mom's sickness. I wasn't going to live life miserable. I have a three year old daughter who is my light and my angel. She has gotten me through a lot of this and my mom as well. To top it off, I worked for a home builder and was laid off in July, and because my deadbeat ex has not paid a dime of child support or half of the mortgage until our house sold, we are now losing that as well. Through all this darkness I have decided to go back to school and get my nursing degree. My mom would be so proud but unfortunately I don't think she will make it to see me graduate.
Last week my step dad called me at four in the morning to tell me my mom's heart had stopped. I live in Indianapolis and she is three hours away from me, so I put my daughter in the car and we raced up there thinking I was not going to make it to say goodbye. When I got there I had to face my biggest fear, seeing my mom lay helpless on a ventilator. Her heart had surrounded with fluid, which was from the phemonia, which was one of the side effects of the chemo she had been on. They did take my mom off the ventilator but she is so drugged up that she doesn't even say things that make sense. I came home tonight and cried most of the way. She is in so much pain from the cancer, she can hardly speak, and I just know she is finally at a point where she doesn't want to fight anymore and it kills me. I feel so selfish for wanting her to stay, but I need her so bad. I don't know what I'll do without her, it's just not fair. I see girls left and right with their mom's shopping or doing whatever and I can't understand why I can't have that still. I miss my mom already so much it hurts. She is only in her 50's. It's too soon. I don't know how I am going to handle this. I cry just thinking about it. Everyone tells me I have to be strong, but I just don't know that I can be. I want her here, I don't want her to leave me! Why!?!
At least my mom knows I am going to become a Nurse in the next two years. I want to work in oncology and help those that are going through what my mom and my family have had to endure over the last year and a half. I ask God every night to help me find strength in this mess.
Thank you for anyone that listened. I just needed to let it out.