CSN Login
Members Online: 16

I'm about to lose my mom

aimeemarie
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2008

Hi Everyone,
I just needed to write on here and get out some of my sadness. I just turned 27 and have been through hell and back it seems in the past year and a half. To start off, my mother, who is my best friend, was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer May of last year. We were told she would not be here for that Christmas and to prepare ourselves for a long and hard struggle as this type of cancer has horrible side effects, which it does. Over the past year, my mom lost 100 pounds; luckily she was 200 at the time but now is skin and bones. She found a doctor willing to do radiation and chemo to try and shrink the tumor in her chest which was the size of a softball. Thankfully, it shrunk enough to have surgery to remove it. They took out all of her esophagus and part of her stomach, stretched that up to create an esophagus, in November of last year. She went through more radiation and more chemo only to find that it had spread to her liver and an adrenal gland. During all this, I had my own problems to try to overcome. In May of 2007 I filed for divorce. My ex-husband was never around, nor there for me through my mom's sickness. I wasn't going to live life miserable. I have a three year old daughter who is my light and my angel. She has gotten me through a lot of this and my mom as well. To top it off, I worked for a home builder and was laid off in July, and because my deadbeat ex has not paid a dime of child support or half of the mortgage until our house sold, we are now losing that as well. Through all this darkness I have decided to go back to school and get my nursing degree. My mom would be so proud but unfortunately I don't think she will make it to see me graduate.
Last week my step dad called me at four in the morning to tell me my mom's heart had stopped. I live in Indianapolis and she is three hours away from me, so I put my daughter in the car and we raced up there thinking I was not going to make it to say goodbye. When I got there I had to face my biggest fear, seeing my mom lay helpless on a ventilator. Her heart had surrounded with fluid, which was from the phemonia, which was one of the side effects of the chemo she had been on. They did take my mom off the ventilator but she is so drugged up that she doesn't even say things that make sense. I came home tonight and cried most of the way. She is in so much pain from the cancer, she can hardly speak, and I just know she is finally at a point where she doesn't want to fight anymore and it kills me. I feel so selfish for wanting her to stay, but I need her so bad. I don't know what I'll do without her, it's just not fair. I see girls left and right with their mom's shopping or doing whatever and I can't understand why I can't have that still. I miss my mom already so much it hurts. She is only in her 50's. It's too soon. I don't know how I am going to handle this. I cry just thinking about it. Everyone tells me I have to be strong, but I just don't know that I can be. I want her here, I don't want her to leave me! Why!?!
At least my mom knows I am going to become a Nurse in the next two years. I want to work in oncology and help those that are going through what my mom and my family have had to endure over the last year and a half. I ask God every night to help me find strength in this mess.
Thank you for anyone that listened. I just needed to let it out.
Aimee

zahalene's picture
zahalene
Posts: 680
Joined: Nov 2005

I am so terribly sorry you are going through all this at such a young age....at any age for that matter.
I too lost my mom, divorced, became a single parent, survived cancer. All I can tell you is that you are stronger than you think you are and the grace of God is abundant.
I think the fact that you are doing something positive and productive (going back to school) during this very trying time will be key in your healing and regrowth. When things are at their worst is the best time to actively create a positive goal in our lives. Otherwise, we become bogged down in the negative.
I salute you for your courage. May God bless you richly and very soon.

hunpot's picture
hunpot
Posts: 90
Joined: Nov 2008

I am only 35 and just lost my mom August 18, 08 she was 58. She fought a short hard battle like your mom and was overcome. Mom was never put on a ventilator but had a trache tube in for breathing she had that for the last 5months of her life not able to eat or talk was very hard. They say they may act or do things differntly but your mom knows that you love her and that you were there i believe that. They had mom drugged up the last two days of her life she never opened her eyes but she would hold my hand and when i told her to squeeze she would so i know she new i was there. I know how you are feeling my mom was the rock in my family always did for others before herself she is(was) mybest friend.
It does get easier but it will get harder before it gets easeier especially witht he holidays. Mom lived 25 minutes form me but i was there EVERY day especially in the end. I have 4 small boys and a hubby was a very hard time for the wheole family to go through, Im sorry about your divorce that has got to be hard but youll realize there are many other men out there and im sure you will have no trouble finding someone again that will support yourself and your daughter.
I would say to you if you have friends or family to ask them for help so you can be near mom these last few weeks, days, months whatever god chooses. It is going to be hard but you will appreciate that you were able to be there. I cried for two days straight on and off but wouldnt change it for the world now. When she died I had so much to do and worry about arrangements reality hadnt sunk in so i cried but didnt grieve, Then i got screwed by funeral home so i had to put on a benefit for my mother to raise money as myself and my sister couldnt afdo it alone so i was busy with that, you will constantly feel sad and cry I had my days and some hard days!! still do but i visit her used to be every day now its about 2x times week, its getting easier but its still a terrible feeling and always there and noone can change it i was told go see counselor but they cant help me I want mom back so i just have to try and deal and go on becaues mom would want that.
So for you to be going to school is a great thing because you will have that strive and thought that this is for your mom she would want you to be happy and would be VERY PROUDDDD of you always remember that and think about good times. Its hard to do but it makes it easier I couldnt think about good times becaue it hurt too bad and made me cry becaue she wasnt here but now its ok and I always look back and say that she snot in any pain and suffering and she can be happy and live life normally up there the way she wanted, my mom did not want to suffer and be put on life support and now she has no tibes no pain and looked so very nice and comfortable the day we buried her she was Beautiful!! She had so much edema(swelling) for the last wekk she looked horrible and hated the way she looked she refused to go outside once the fluid took over but when she was laying there the day most beautiful woman again. I hope my story helps in a way to makes things easeier Our moms are the best woman to us and we learn form them they make us stronger so try to go on each and everyday the way she wouldnt want and do things for her.. I am going to be a volunteer at the local hospice unit to hopefully help others in their time of need and struggle as i think i may beable to give them hope or outlook as i have been through this terrible cancer so i think its great you are becoming a nurse very proud of you myself and wish you nothing but the best. I wish i was closer to give you local support. GOD BLESS YOU

Catherine65's picture
Catherine65
Posts: 12
Joined: Dec 2008

I was so touched by your story and want to tell you that you will never lose your mom. Although she will not be here physically with you, the strong relationship and all the love and care you are giving her will be what sustains you through the years. Cherish the days you care for her and tell her how much you love her. I pray for you that you will be aware of the gift you have been given to be there for her now. I lost my mom over 43 years ago and would give anything to have her for just one day. You are strong because you are filled with love and she must have given you more than you can ever imagine to be able to get through all of these challenges. Be at peace as much as you can and cherish every moment that will soon pass and leave behind memories to cherish forever. I pray for your awareness and presence with your mom and that she will be at peace also. God Bless You All. Cathy

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

aime,

Since the conclusion of my own protocol of cancer treatment in 1982, I lost my only sibling to suicide (1994), my father to stroke (1998), and mother to bowel infection and kidney failure (2006). Believe me these losses have been difficult in the extreme, but I have survived, and you will too. I sought psychiatric help following my brother's death and took advantage of the grief support counseling offered by the hospice that cared for my mom during her final hours. I also found local support groups near my home where I could share my feelings with others.

I will celebrate this Christmas with cousins and friends, like I have the last two years, since my mother's death. It is not the same, but it is part of a "new tradition" and a new reality, an understanding that our loved ones never really leave us, but make a transition to a happier painless existence.

Love and Courage,

Rick

maureengirl's picture
maureengirl
Posts: 24
Joined: Mar 2002

I understand what it like to go through seeing someone with cancer and the thought of losing your mom . is one of the worst things anyone Schould go through. my mom passaways 8yrs go this october. and i also know what it is like to have cancer myself because i have cancer and when i found out that i have cancer it was like someone decide to make my life H-E-L-Li am now thank god in remission i cant spell the fancy name but here are the lettrs acc i have 3 operations and lost thevision in my left eyeand had it removedplus the inside of the left side inside sinus. dont you worry i total understand i really do and i feel so sorry you would have to go through this alone , i hope not!i went from treatable to cureable what you are going throght been there myself. i want you to know that i truly understand---kathy

aimeemarie
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2008

I just want to thank everyone of you that have left me comments. I read them everyday for hope and support. Unfortunately, my mom had decided to refuse hospice. I knew deep down she would, she is just like me, is going to fight this till the end, without that kind of help. I think hospice gets a bad wrap sometimes, I kind of wish she would so they could manage her pain but she doesn't want it. I am going back home to help take care of her. Boy it's been a horrible week. I keep going over in my head how her funeral is going to be and what I am going to say. I can't help but be selfish and think about who I am going to go to when I need to talk about life, my troubles, my heartaches, etc. Who will I go to now? I miss my mom already, so much my heart feels like it's going to explode. I never knew life to be so sad, but my mom didn't raise a quitter. I pray that I can be positive around her and offer her only my love.
Thank you everyone, believe me, you all will never know how much I appreciated your comments.
Aimee

hunpot's picture
hunpot
Posts: 90
Joined: Nov 2008

Aimee-
I am sorry to hear your mom does not want hospice she is a fighter and god bless her to have the power and will to do on her own. Miracles happen and they can. If things are bad or gets worse you can always call hospice and set up a meeting they will come out and discuss what they do and how they help it may mkae your mom feel more comfortable after talking and seeing what they do. I now mom never wanted hospice it was like a way of giving up but the doctors told us it would be good for her pain and comfort and extra support for her and the whole family so we decided to talk to them and after meeting with them she was more comfortable and accepted their help. I was very hesitant at first also and angry with them as i kept saying she was giving up and they were making her, but they have been great and continue to be great even 4 months after. She really needed the support and we all realized it was only getting worse. She had hopsice for 2 months.
Im glad you can go back home and make memories and have quality of time to spend with her you will always have those memories to cherish. Till this day i always ask who am i going to talk to also and i just go visit her and i talk and she listens i dont need her to talk back anymore just listen so i can get it off my chest I tend to talk to her best friend alot about differnt things but its not the same theres no answer to help us once we lose our mom nothing seems to help just memories and me nowing there is no more pain and suffering. MOm suffered for the last month she even told me that one day I just cried and cried. Now i have peace nowing she is at peace. YOu will be sad near mom and its okay to be she will be sad also nowing that you have to see her this way and nurse her but she will also now that you love her and want to help her and are there for her, Make the best and contine to love and have faith and keep fighting. GOD BLESS

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

Aimee,
I am a mom with a 26, 20 and 16 year-old kids. They are the reason that I endured 4 surgeries and 2 kinds of chemo. I am terminal and in great pain everyday,so I know where your mom is at. She just wants peace for you and she wants you to know that she did and is doing everything in her power to be with you; know that that is the purest form of love. I am also trying so hard to be here for my kids , whom I love much more than anything. Remember that she will always be with you because she is a part of you. I told my kids that I would never leave them and they know that even when I pass that they can talk to me and I will listen; God understands the bond that a mother shares with her children-He is, after all, our dad.Try your best, sweetheart, to spend your time with her as completely as you can, with no distractions. Say everything that you want her to know and this will be a great comfort to both of you.
much love,
Hollyberry

Danswife
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2009

I just read your posts and want you to know that you are not alone in this battle. My husband was diagnosed in March of 2008 with esophageal cancer, had chemo, radiation, freezing, you name it. Unfortunately last week he had a PET scan and the cancer has grown significantly and there are no other treatment options for him. I put off calling Hospice because I thought that was too final but I finally gave in and called. They are wonderful! The nurses are caring, compassionate and help both my husband and myself as his caregiver. We started him on a new pain medication and another for nausea. He told them that he only wanted to be kept comfortable and they are doing that very well. Please call Hospice yourself and talk to them, they can help you. Let them talk to your mother and help her with pain management. You mentioned you that you want to stay positive around her and Hospice can help you with that as well. Don't be afraid to talk to your mother, tell her how you feel, cry together, laugh together. Just know that you will be in my prayers daily. The Lord never gives us anything he won't help us get through. God Bless You. I will be looking forward to your posts.

BelleBelle178
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2009

Hi Aimee, I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one. I am fourteen and my mommy died this passed January 2009. I miss her everyday and wonder why it is that others get to have their moms longer than me. I am so young. I have two brothers, one is 10 and one is 18. My older brother is currently in rehab for self medication and I am not really sure how my little brother is handling this, he never wants to talk about it and just acts like nothing has happened, but I know that he is hurting on the inside. I just never thought I would be the kid who didn't have a mom. I know its hard, but just think about all that time you DID have with your mom- the times that I never will be able to have. You are 27 and I am 14. YOUR mom was able to see you walk down the aisle and see your baby girl be brought into this world. I know it is extremely hard to see your mom lay helpless in a hospice bed- I know the feeling- and tell her that you will be okay. It is THE most difficult things I have ever done. At first I felt totally sorry for myself, then I began to remember my mamma how she used to be- healthy. I remembered what a great mommy she was, and still is. Now I think about the children who NEVER get to meet their moms or dads. Those kids who NEVER get a chance to feel the love that was so great that I have with my mommy. It is those kids who we I truly feel the most sorrow for. I miss my mom so much, but my mom always told me that God never gives you more then you can handle. I live every day with those words in my head. God gave my mom so much extra time to be with me, although it seems so little, and I truly believe that I am blessed. I had or actually I still have the best mom anybody could wish for. I believe our moms are watching over us. I do. And I believe miracles can come out of the most horrible and messy situations life throws us. I have seen many miracles happen since my mothers' death. I know she is watching over me and that I can still talk to her, but that doesn't mean I don't miss her because I do. And sorry for going on and on, I too needed to let it out, but what I want you to take from this very long comment is that no matter how horrible the situation, never see yourself as the victim, and look around for the beautiful miracles of life. It is easy not to see what God HAS given us then it is to see what he has not. I wish you the best and hope you are able to read this comment.

CanadaSue's picture
CanadaSue
Posts: 340
Joined: Apr 2006

Hi,

Your mother would be so proud of you, you are an amazing girl!

Your younger brother may not want to talk right now, so all you can do is be there when he is ready. Your older brother will find his way, once he overcomes his addiction.

My heart goes out to you, losing your mother at such a young age, but know she walks with you and will watch over you everyday of your life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Hugs,

Sue

missingmyfriend
Posts: 5
Joined: Mar 2009

BELLE,
YOU ARE A VERY BRAVE AND SMART GIRL.I LOST MY MOM 4 YEARS AGO ND I M 47 TODAY, YOU TAUGHT ME MORE IN ONE BLOG THAN I HAVE FELT IN 4 YEARS , YOU ARE A VERY AMAZING GIRL.I CAN ONLY HOPE MY DAUGHTER (10) GROWS UP WITH SUCH WISDOM. I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, BUT YOU ARE RIGHT GOD ONLY GIVES YOU WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE AND CANCER IS A CRUEL SICKNESS ,BUT WE GO ON FOR OUR MOMS AND CONTINUE TO HELP OTHERS AND BE HELPED BY OTHERS.I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST AND GOD BLESS YOU

blueroses's picture
blueroses
Posts: 527
Joined: Jul 2008

I am so very sorry about your situation with your Mum and all that you have gone through with your marriage and job - sometimes these things seem to all come at once don't they? I am a 20 year nhl survivor and my Mum was here for me, granted at a distance, but we talked on the phone everyday for my entire adult life. She passed away 6 years ago and my phone has never been quieter. I have calls of course but hers was always the call that made the day, she was my best friend. As someone else on here said though AimeeMarie you will never really lose your Mum, she will always be with you and you will always have the happy memories that the two of you had together. Some people never have that with a parent so for that be grateful.

I am so glad to see you have God in your life, that will get you through and I am so proud to see that you will be focusing on becoming a nurse - what a great field and I am sure after what you have been through you will make a very compassionate nurse to be sure. Your Mother will be proud.

I will pray for you and your family in this time of grief.

Blessings, Blueroses.

coosa123
Posts: 2
Joined: Jan 2010

I hope God has given you the comfort that you have needed. Just remember he is always with you and your Mom.

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2015 © Cancer Survivors Network