I've read numerous postings here and can relate to a lot of what is said. It's hard for me to keep it all organized in my mind so I have a difficult time posting. Each new posting brings yet another thought or feeling to confuse my already overburdened mind.(LOL) I like the idea of being able to put those thoughts into words so that maybe it will make more sense to me.
Years ago I had some experinece with group counseling and although it helped it was very overwhelming for me. At the time, I was told that I was a very sensitive person and felt deeply the good as well as the bad. it was said that it wasn't a bad thing just difficult at times to deal with it. Boy, it is ever?
Cancer has really thrown me a endless well of emotions that I have been struggling to deal with since it all began. Every time i think I have hit a plateau something raises the summit to a even higher level. It's like climbing a mountain hidden in the clouds with no end in sight.
After treatment and being proclaimed NED ( yeah, okay), it was suppose to suddenly be done. Yet it doesn't feel that way. There are still mountains of physical and emotional problems to be conquered. When you go from being an active, healthy person to one who is down for most of a year with side effects from it all it is hard to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with life. Every time I think, " Okay, you can do this. You are fine. Just get on with your life., something else comes that has to be dealt with again. It isn't always medical either but yet it is a result of dealing with cancer. Cancer affects every aspect of your life and all of it seems to demand attention now. It is so overwhelming that one doesn't even know where to start the long list of things that need to be put into perspective and fixed. I tend to shut down a lot and try to ignore it all hoping that it will just magicallly resolve itself. Is that working for me? Not really!!! Unfortunately, the problems are still there when I resurface to the real world.
I think age has a lot to do with it for me. At 54, which everyone keeps telling me is young,I feel like there isn't enough time to deal with it all and still enjoy the years i have left. I'm single with three grown children and five beautiful grandchildren. They are a huge part of my life but they have their own lifes. After years of devoting myself to my children, I don't seem to have a purpose which I need desparately in order to live each day. It would just help to know that at the end of this tunnel, there is a light worth getting to with a purpose for getting there. Things that I always thought were necessary seem mute and yet there doesn't seem to be anything to replace them. I find myself wallowing in self pity and
undecisive about what will fix it.
I know, now I am rambling on, not making any sense, at least not for myself anyway. I know I need to do this putting feelings into words so that it makes some sense but it's difficult to say the least for me. I'm hoping that some where in all the rambing someone sees something to help me get on track. As you can no doubt see I am not doing very good on my own. I just wanted to try to get a start on putting some of it into words hoping that it will help.
So for now, I will stop and see what comes of it. LOL
Hugs and prayers