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Monday almost here and feeling blue today and a bit mad someone read and get me on track

kristinem
Posts: 13
Joined: Oct 2008

Hi all kristine here,

OK a few more days till i go for the MRI. Im praying hard it all works out. I feel badly to say this but, I feel like the people around me are just moving right along. I mean Even my family! My own mother has the nerve to complain to me about her hectic day that she has today going to a baby shower and having to help out and do the things she said she would do, For her friend no less. My hubby went off to a karate match today. He did take my son! Im here with my daughter and we are going to go out for the day but, It just seems strange to me ... AM I WRONG! Im counting the hours till i find out what is wrong with me and everyone is just doing there thing.... I guess I really dont even know what i want from them ... I do know i really don't care to hear everyone around me tell me about there problems.. mean I guess (right)... lost today as you can see

lindaprocopio's picture
lindaprocopio
Posts: 2022
Joined: Oct 2008

I guess it's human nature for people to make small talk and b*tch about their little problems and minor complaints about everyday life (the very 'LIFE' for which those of us with cancer are enduring TORTURE so that we can hang onto it just a little bit longer!!) But in the context of our own HUGE worries and REAL troubles, their little peeves seem SOOOO inconsequential! If your mother's insensitivity is really getting to you, just say "Count your blessings," and that usually shuts people up when they suddenly realize who they're complaining to. As for your family's life going on busily around you, try and find some comfort in that. How terrible it would be for all of them if you truly WERE the very center of their lives, the 'be all/end-all'. I don't think I could bear looking into those haunted and scared faces all day, day after day. It's bad enough when I get some new medical reports or am having trouble with my treatment, bad days that demand their worry and concern. How much better it is when they take advantage of my good days to go to parties and LIVE and be happy! In their hearts your family may fear that bad times are ahead and that they should go ahead and LIVE in these last hours of not knowing for sure;...or they may be in denial and have decided that SURELY you will be okay because anything else is unacceptable to face just yet. One of the great truths of life is that we all grieve alone, even when someone else's arms are wrapped tight around us. Grief and pain and cancer are all VERY personal 'just me' experiences, even though the whole family shares in the experience and pain. You are just beginning to feel how very personal and solitary much of it will be. I pray that you will be spared. We are here if you aren't.

pjba11's picture
pjba11
Posts: 192
Joined: Nov 2008

everyting has changed for you ... no one really understands ... the feelings are hard to sort out a LOT of anger... a LOT of tears ... scared and more scared ... confused even the medical profession is hard to understand many times just routine... everyone seems to have a happy care free life style except you ... any of this sounds familiar?? If so... you could be as normal as any of us with this terrible disease can be. At least this is some of how I felt. (Now I know it sorted itself all out.) I got frustrated when people gave this big 'you will be fine' speel ... I always said back to them that 'we all want to live' I wish they would have said something more like 'I can't even begin to understand having this horrible disease, but I want to help you any way I can.' Not 'you will be fine'!!! I know they meant well, but it is hard to hear. Terror is a part of this.... but I hope for you as it was for me .. short term. Soon you should start to see and feel results, posiitive results. The changes will slow down and hopefully you will feel like you have a bit of control back. The questions will be easier and the answers faster. I have been on this journey for 2 years. I would like to say I am cancer free. My scans have 2 spots on my lungs (doubtfully that has anything to do with UPSC.) Keep the faith after all of this life is the rainbow....

lindaprocopio's picture
lindaprocopio
Posts: 2022
Joined: Oct 2008

I'm so sorry that you scans are showing spots on your lungs. UPSC is a traveller and frequently recurs, from what I've researched, so this may be related to the UPSC. Maybe not; my husband just read a study with an 85% 'free from cancer' rate after 5 years for UPSC when radiation & chemo are both given. Please let me know what your doctor thinks, about how they might be related.

pjba11's picture
pjba11
Posts: 192
Joined: Nov 2008

We are commenting in two places here... but that is fine. The specialist I saw for my lungs is not concerned. The spots have not changed fast enough to probably be a Upsc problem. But, yes, it is a concern .. a big concern. I am always scared. Like you I could not find anyone with a good story......... But each day I am more confident that I will stay NED!!!

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