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hollyw80
Posts: 5
Joined: Sep 2008

HELLO EVERYONE. I GUESS I JUST NEED TO VENT. LAST YEAR MY DAD HAD A RUPTURED BRAIN ANEURYSM AND NOW IS UNABLE TO CARE FOR HIMSELF. HE CAN MAKE HIS OWN FOOD, ETC BUT CANNOT DRIVE, PAY BILLS OR PERFORM ANY ADVANCED DAILY ACTIVITIES. AT TIMES HE CAN BE VERY AGGRESSIVE AND VERY MEAN TO MY MOM, LITTLE BROTHER AND MYSELF. MY MOM IS HIS CAREGIVER, OR MORE LIKE HIS SLAVE SOMETIMES, AND SHE WAS JUST DIAGNOSED WITH STAVE IV NSCLC WITH BRAIN METS LAST MONTH. MY MOM IS THE SWEETEST PERSON YOU COULD EVER MEET AND DOES WHATEVER HE WANTS. NOW WITH MY MOM STARTING CHEMO NEXT WEEK, I HAVE TO CARE FOR MY DAD, MY LITTLE BROTHER PLUS MY MOM AND 3 MONTH OLD LITTLE BOY. I AM VERY OVERWHELMED AND AM LOOKING FOR ANY TYPE OF SUPPORT. MY HUSBAND IS WONDERFUL AND TRYS HIS BEST BUT I NEED SOMEONES HELP WHO IS ACTUALLY GOING THROUGH THIS LIKE MYSELF. WE ALSO RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT MY PARENTS MAY LOOSE THEIR HOUSE B/C THEY ARE NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY TO COVER THE BILLS AND SAME SITUATION AT MY HOME FORCING ME TO RETURN TO WORK. I DONT KNOW HOW I AM GOING TO BALANCE ALL OF THIS. PLEASE HELP ME!! THANK YOU

NoQuiSi
Posts: 106
Joined: Sep 2008

You do have a lot on your plate and I understand it can be quite overwhelming. I can relate to a little of what you're going through as I helped care for my dad who had Multiple Myeloma (bone cancer) while having ovarian cancer, myself. I had to help with my mother a lot at the time as well. While I haven't had the exact same situation as you I do understand the feeling of being overwhelmed. It seemed like all of it was on my shoulders and I can see from your post that you're feeling that way too.

While I have no easy 'fixes' to suggest for you, I can offer you kindness and caring, as well as my prayers for you and yours. Have you checked into Home Health Care possibly as a way to get help with at least SOME of the care your father requires? You should be able to contact a local agency through your local Community Action Organization, if you have one in your local community. I believe it's a state funded organization, if I'm not mistaken. It's really good that you do have your husband to support you in these difficult times.

As for your fathers behavior, I'm no expert by any means but I'd think the situation with the aneurysm may cause him to behave in an inappropriate manner at times. While I realize knowing this doesn't make it any easier for you or your mother, at least the knowledge may alleviate any hard feelings you may have with him for his actions. I'd also imagine he may be feeling resentment that he has to rely on others so much for his care, especially if he was very independent before the aneurysm. My father was the sweetest guy in the world but he had his moments as well, as we all do. I know that probably doesn't make it any better for you but at least maybe knowing it's a possibility will ease some of the hurt and anger you surely must be feeling.

I'm so very sorry about your moms situation as well. I can tell by your words that you love her very much and that's what it takes to get through something like that. Keep focusing on that love and encourage her to do the same, that's what I'd suggest. I wish I had more suggestions to offer but I would definitely check into possibly getting some help from your local C.A.O. Maybe others will have some helpful advise as well. Please know you're not alone and I don't know what your faiths or beliefs are but I believe there's always a solution and that God does provide for us, sometimes not in the time period we'd like but in his as I feel he does know best. I realize that if you're not of a similar faith, that isn't going to help you much but just know that we're here for you and with you...just please know that you're not alone. If you don't mind, I'd like to keep you and your family in my prayers.

My very best wishes,
~NoQuiSi~

TereB
Posts: 288
Joined: May 2003

I am sorry you are going thru all these things. I am not sure, but is it possible that your father's aggresiveness have anything to do with damage to his brain caused by the aneurysm? Maybe he is upset that he needs to depend on your mother now. Has anyone mentioned this to his doctor?

Now that your mother has been diagnosed with NSCLC with brain mets, I don't think she is in a position to take care of your father or to be mistreated by him.

Here are some websites where you can find out more about support, emotional and financial.

Cancer Care, a non-profit org., offers free support and counseling for cancer patients by oncology social workers. They have face-to-face counseling and counceling on the phone. Support groups on the phone are available too and are moderated by an oncology social worker. Call 800-813-HOPE. They can also give you info about financial resources. Check their website, they have a section for friends of patient. www.cancercare.org

Gilda's Club - www.gildasclub.org - they offer free social and emotional support.

Live Strong - www.livestrong.org - offers one-on-one support.

American Cancer Society (here) can also give you financial, support, etc. information available in different cities.

All the best,
TereB

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