I refuse...
But as I sit here, with one breast and ten strands of hair left, I can't help but cry. Oh, I am very well aware that I am not unique. But I can't seem to help it...the crying I mean.
It wasn't very long ago that I could handle whatever came my way, physically or mentally. I was a strong person. Now I need help opening a jar of pickles. I feel like I am just a shell of my former self.
I know the hair will grow back. The strength will also come back. The breast, well...not.
And I have coped very well, I think, with all of this.
Just not tonight..
CR
Comments
-
That was a beautiful post,
That was a beautiful post, CR. We all understand. My mom always taught me to be real tough. However, she also taught me to heed the pain of others. Do not think you are breaking the first advice when you are sad about what you are going through. You are just following the second piece of advice. A kind (and good) person can not help but feel their own pain. We must also love ourselves. So, give yourself a pat on the back. Congratulatory pat for being human. And a soothing pat to help you through. Here's a virtual pat! love, Joyce0 -
You are sooo normal!
Hon...you are sooo normal! I dare say we have all felt this way in varying degrees. It could be just knowing for sure that we are indeed mortal. We may feel a physical twinge and think we have mets, we may look at our altered body and know it ( and we) will never be the same again. It really doesn't matter what triggers our moments of despair and uncontrolled crying. Sometimes we just NEED to...it isn't easy being brave and putting on the game face all the time, is it?? I also think the emotional and physical exhaustion of the diagnosis and all of the treatment plays a big part in all of this. You know when you are at the market and you hear a child cry and you can tell that poor child is just exhausted and needs a nap? That cry sounds so different from the temper tantrum cry, doesnt it? Well sister, YOU have been through so much! YOUR body is reacting like the tired child in the market...
You will get through this, you know. Come in and post for any reason at all~ good and bad. And soon the good will outweigh the bad, and you will be on the giving end when someone else has a melt-down.
Be good to yourself!
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
I know how you feel, and you
I know how you feel, and you need to take a deep breath and be kind to yourself. It's your time to care for you.
I too have no hair, one breast, and can cry at a the drop of a hat. But I still consider myself tough. I just finished 4 months of chemo and I feel like I can take on anything because I've come this far, and am still not done. Appreciate how far you've come, and realize that not everyone could do it--but YOU did it! Keep going, one day, one hour at a time!
And most importantly, keep writing to us!0 -
TOUGH
HI CR,
Gosh, can I ever relate to how you expressed yourself! Yes we are a tough bunch, however we have every right to also be sensitive and cry now and then. Shucks I think we have earned at least that! I recall how it felt to no longer be the one in the family that was taking care of everyone, I had to let go and let them care for me. But, guess what....I am now back to my strong, tough self taking care of everyone else and myself! My best to you CR you ARE a tough cookie, with a soft spot just like the rest of us! You take care and know that in the near future you will be smiling again~
Lots of (((((HUGS)))))
RE0 -
I feel the same way
CR, I understand completely how you feel. I went through everything - double mastectomy, chemo, losing my hair, finding out I have the BRCA 1 gene - being very strong. I worked the whole time during my chemo and never missed a beat. Now that I am finished with all my treatment (I just had a second, preventive mastectomy on my 'healthy' breast on Sept. 18 because I am BRCA 1), I suddenly find myself feeling very depressed. The reality is that we have been through a lot. For myself, as long as I was going through the treatment, I felt like I was DOING something, but now that it's over I feel like I just have to sit there and live waiting to see if 'it' will come back or not, which is really hard. I resisted going to a support group in the beginning because I was afraid how I would react if I encountered someone sicker than I am (worse cancer, I mean) but now I am planning on doing this. It almost seems like we need more support AFTER the treatment than while we are going through it.
Well, sorry for my rambling. Write again if you need support.
Sincerely,
Ohilly0 -
Thank you...
Awwww, thank you everyone for your kind words and for your encouragement. For some reason, it was a rough night and I just couldn't seem to pull myself back up. I am better now though.
I haven't had a pity party for myself before. I have cried over this at times, of course. But then snapped right back out of it and bulldozed my way forward. Last night, the funk I was in just pretty much overwhelmed me. I kept thinking of myself as a "freak show"....isn't that horrible? And that thought just wouldn't leave my mind. I have said all along that a breast and hair are a small price to pay to get well again. And I still feel that way. But looking at the "missing pieces" last night, just really threw me. I guess they are not such a small price after all. Then toss in the "mortality" on top of all of it, and I was having something of a pity fest for myself.
Anyway, I am much better this morning, and I thank you all so very much. You have yet again, come to my rescue!
I am NOT a funny looking, bald and boobless babe! I AM surviving!!! And I am proud of that!
Love ya!!
CR0 -
Valuable lessonCR1954 said:Thank you...
Awwww, thank you everyone for your kind words and for your encouragement. For some reason, it was a rough night and I just couldn't seem to pull myself back up. I am better now though.
I haven't had a pity party for myself before. I have cried over this at times, of course. But then snapped right back out of it and bulldozed my way forward. Last night, the funk I was in just pretty much overwhelmed me. I kept thinking of myself as a "freak show"....isn't that horrible? And that thought just wouldn't leave my mind. I have said all along that a breast and hair are a small price to pay to get well again. And I still feel that way. But looking at the "missing pieces" last night, just really threw me. I guess they are not such a small price after all. Then toss in the "mortality" on top of all of it, and I was having something of a pity fest for myself.
Anyway, I am much better this morning, and I thank you all so very much. You have yet again, come to my rescue!
I am NOT a funny looking, bald and boobless babe! I AM surviving!!! And I am proud of that!
Love ya!!
CR
CR, I think you have learned something that all of us need to take to heart. Tears are not a sign of weakness, but rather like an escape valve on a pressure cooker. You let off a lot of steam last night and now you feel so much better today.
With all that builds up in us when going through something like cancer (or other crises of life), it is no surprise that there comes a time when something has to give. Tears are the healthy way to let off steam. We can't really go around beating up on our onco's, now can we? lol0 -
Down but not out!CR1954 said:Thank you...
Awwww, thank you everyone for your kind words and for your encouragement. For some reason, it was a rough night and I just couldn't seem to pull myself back up. I am better now though.
I haven't had a pity party for myself before. I have cried over this at times, of course. But then snapped right back out of it and bulldozed my way forward. Last night, the funk I was in just pretty much overwhelmed me. I kept thinking of myself as a "freak show"....isn't that horrible? And that thought just wouldn't leave my mind. I have said all along that a breast and hair are a small price to pay to get well again. And I still feel that way. But looking at the "missing pieces" last night, just really threw me. I guess they are not such a small price after all. Then toss in the "mortality" on top of all of it, and I was having something of a pity fest for myself.
Anyway, I am much better this morning, and I thank you all so very much. You have yet again, come to my rescue!
I am NOT a funny looking, bald and boobless babe! I AM surviving!!! And I am proud of that!
Love ya!!
CR
Pity Parties are allowed and what better place to have them than with your BC Sisters. We have all had our "days" and I know there are more to come; but this is your safe haven to vent, cry, reach out and there will be so many ears to listen, hands to hold and cyber hugs waiting. Expressing your feeling is a good thing and it is how we pick ourselves up and move on!
Big hugs,
ladydi10 -
Physical Reasons
When I was in the midst of chemo it never failed, I would fall apart emotionally 7 days after chemo. That was the point when my blood work was as low as it ever got and the neulasta had not kicked in quite yet. After I figured that out, I warned my friends and hubby to just know I'd be really sad that day and to just love me anyway.
So, is your blood low right now? Not feeling well can really add to discouragement.
You'll get through this!!
Kew0 -
Good Post
Hi CR,
Strength means something different to me than it used to. I was brought up to put up, shut up and get through no matter what. For the longest time, I thought that made me stronger than many people I knew. But for a person for me, it took more guts for me to put myself out there, admit my weaknesses, ask and accept help, and yes -- CRY. It takes a strong person to allow them self to feel all the pain and fear and just plain heartbreak that comes with a cancer DX and TX. But once you meet that grief head on, you can begin to move on.
Keep in mind that at the end of this race, there's no finishing line with a big red bow for us to run through. There's no trophy that's given out to those who shed the least amount of tears or wore the bravest, brightest smiles. In the end and during, there's just us. Do what you need to do to get through and never think for a moment it means you're weak. All of us are the strongest people we know. And I'm going to say it -- having no hair sucks!
Hugs,
Kim0 -
No Hairkbc4869 said:Good Post
Hi CR,
Strength means something different to me than it used to. I was brought up to put up, shut up and get through no matter what. For the longest time, I thought that made me stronger than many people I knew. But for a person for me, it took more guts for me to put myself out there, admit my weaknesses, ask and accept help, and yes -- CRY. It takes a strong person to allow them self to feel all the pain and fear and just plain heartbreak that comes with a cancer DX and TX. But once you meet that grief head on, you can begin to move on.
Keep in mind that at the end of this race, there's no finishing line with a big red bow for us to run through. There's no trophy that's given out to those who shed the least amount of tears or wore the bravest, brightest smiles. In the end and during, there's just us. Do what you need to do to get through and never think for a moment it means you're weak. All of us are the strongest people we know. And I'm going to say it -- having no hair sucks!
Hugs,
Kim
Kim:
You are so right, I am so sick of being told that it should not be about the hair...I want to say, let me shave your head and then you tell me how easy it is or how little it matters...thanks for echoing what I have felt since the day I became a bald headed lady.
Hugs,
DianaLB0 -
You're Welcomeladydi1 said:No Hair
Kim:
You are so right, I am so sick of being told that it should not be about the hair...I want to say, let me shave your head and then you tell me how easy it is or how little it matters...thanks for echoing what I have felt since the day I became a bald headed lady.
Hugs,
DianaLB
Di -- is that a wig you're wearing in your picture or your natural hair? It's FABULOUS!
Kim0 -
Bad Hair Day : )kbc4869 said:You're Welcome
Di -- is that a wig you're wearing in your picture or your natural hair? It's FABULOUS!
Kim
That was the last pic taken of me with my real hair...nothing but a little peach fuzz now---my last chemo was 6/27/08, it's coming back, but oh sooooooooooo slowly. Click on my pic and go to my expressions page and you'll see me now without hair in with the poems I wrote.
Hugs,
DianaLB0 -
FABULOUSladydi1 said:Bad Hair Day : )
That was the last pic taken of me with my real hair...nothing but a little peach fuzz now---my last chemo was 6/27/08, it's coming back, but oh sooooooooooo slowly. Click on my pic and go to my expressions page and you'll see me now without hair in with the poems I wrote.
Hugs,
DianaLB
Di -- Loved the poems and the updated pix. I do some writing myself.
The first thing I noticed was your smile. It made me smile because you look like you just won something And I think that's what I like best about you so far.
Love,
Kim0 -
Winnerkbc4869 said:FABULOUS
Di -- Loved the poems and the updated pix. I do some writing myself.
The first thing I noticed was your smile. It made me smile because you look like you just won something And I think that's what I like best about you so far.
Love,
Kim
I did win something---the nicest, most supportive group of new sisters a gal could hope for, especially when we are doing the scary cancer journey.
Hugs,
ladydi10 -
Hi CR: How tough it is
Hi CR: How tough it is going through this. I know exactly how you feel. Not only do we have to go through chemo and some of us rads, but the indignity of losing a breast is something that is very hard to accept. I felt that a part of me was missing and no matter how upbeat I tried to be, deep down I felt less of a woman. As if I had somehow failed the female species. I know it may sound unreasonable to some, but it took a lot out of me looking at myself in the mirror. I have to say, my outlook at myself improved tremendously when I had the reconstruction. I know you are looking into that, and I can almost guarantee that you will feel much better once you've accomplished that. Some of us can feel comfortable without reconstruction and other of us need it. I felt I needed it. But, we are here to support each other and to laugh and cry with each other so, I'm glad you posted and gave us a chance to respond. Hope all is better today. Hugs, Lili0 -
Love your picladydi1 said:Winner
I did win something---the nicest, most supportive group of new sisters a gal could hope for, especially when we are doing the scary cancer journey.
Hugs,
ladydi1
Hi LadyDi and others here, Ladydi I love your pic, both with and without the hair, your a looker!
I too have been thru it all....and having my hair back is great....it seemed to grow faster coming in than when I used to get a trim. So enjoy your new look, soon it will be back to norm.0 -
Your not aloneCR1954 said:Thank you...
Awwww, thank you everyone for your kind words and for your encouragement. For some reason, it was a rough night and I just couldn't seem to pull myself back up. I am better now though.
I haven't had a pity party for myself before. I have cried over this at times, of course. But then snapped right back out of it and bulldozed my way forward. Last night, the funk I was in just pretty much overwhelmed me. I kept thinking of myself as a "freak show"....isn't that horrible? And that thought just wouldn't leave my mind. I have said all along that a breast and hair are a small price to pay to get well again. And I still feel that way. But looking at the "missing pieces" last night, just really threw me. I guess they are not such a small price after all. Then toss in the "mortality" on top of all of it, and I was having something of a pity fest for myself.
Anyway, I am much better this morning, and I thank you all so very much. You have yet again, come to my rescue!
I am NOT a funny looking, bald and boobless babe! I AM surviving!!! And I am proud of that!
Love ya!!
CR
CP, I'm writing a bit later after reading your post, but wanted to say your not alone in your feelings. I just had an Oncology visit that wasn't favorable...he told me to see my Surgeon which I did, she said all is okay that it's not recurrence.....we have up days and down days.
But everyday is a new day...:)
Tears are for cleansing, crying is allowed Glad your feeling better and know your sisterhood is here for you, and for me and for us ALL! 0 -
hair hairladydi1 said:Bad Hair Day : )
That was the last pic taken of me with my real hair...nothing but a little peach fuzz now---my last chemo was 6/27/08, it's coming back, but oh sooooooooooo slowly. Click on my pic and go to my expressions page and you'll see me now without hair in with the poems I wrote.
Hugs,
DianaLB
I used to come home from work in the chemo days, looking perky. Wig on my head, fake breast filling out my clothes, eyebrows painted on, eyeliner to make pretend eyelashes. THEN...the stuff came off and I saw the underneath. And boy did I feel like not only a freak, but a liar, a pretender. It is tough. I know, I know, I was beautiful on the inside. But...
Anyway, I am writing 5 months away from chemo. My hair is growing back. And ladydi, I have seen few pictures of people with hair as nice as yours - losing it must have been tough. There is one small comfort. With hair as gorgeous as yours, you probably never would have dared wear it short, but always have been a little curious about what it would be like. Me too. Now I am going through all the stages of short hair on my way back to long, and it is kind of fun. NOT that I am going to keep it this way. But I am enjoying watching it grow (and it grew in curly after being straight). I guess what I am trying to say is that there is an itty bitty silver lining. (although my lining isn't silver anymore - I dyed it back blond as soon as I could!) To all of you - hang in there. Hair does heal. Completely! 100% survival rate! All my love, Joyce0
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