wasnt meant to feel like a heart breaker

SMILES1001
SMILES1001 Member Posts: 23
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
Hey ladies, These past few days have been rough on me. Ive been through so much. Last night i cried myself to sleep literally. I always thought it was a just a statement but it can actually be done. I woke up with a headache that was out of this world. I feel like the world is crashing down on me. I stay up all night trying to fiqure out a way to forget this somehow but the pain is like a cut thats to deep to be healed. I kinda blame myself cause i forced her to lay it all on the line but I never thought she would lay it that way, never thought she would have something so horrible to say. Never thought id see the day when we would be face with life and death. I wish she wouldnt have told me everything, I wish just this one time i wasnt listening. I damn there swallowed my tounge when she said it to me, my heart started pounding like a drum when she showed the results to me. thought the truth was something i could take but thats because i never thought it would be a hearbreaker. Yhea she told me but i wish i didnt know.... where do i go from here im so lost its like im lost never to be found. do yall know how hard it fighting my way through this.its like im already 6 feet under ground.

My personal life is ruined if im not researching, im reading if im not doing that im worrying.. cant even have company nobody can talk to me im messed up all i find happiness in doing is looking at our baby pic gallery. I never felt this way in my life. Im so agony look at the state of me. My sis is doing horrible at least what i think today she went to doctor for check up before Wednesday and her #'s didnt go down instead they went up. My mom said doc said dont worry but somehow i dont believe him. I thought chemo was going to help. I went by her house today as usual and when she feel asleep i read her note pad and it was her obituary... this thing is so close 2 close for comfort. I never shed a tear i stay strong for them but deep inside im full of tears so much i feel like im drowning but my pride wont let me scream for help. Thanks guys for listening i needed to get some stress out of mind. Going to bed again with tears in my eyes.......

The doctor said wed is still a go hopefully the second round will knock those numbers down.

Comments

  • saundra
    saundra Member Posts: 1,370 Member
    #2
    Slow down
    This is a time consuming disease for all, both the patient and relatives. I caution you to be patient. The Chemo takes time and bodies respond differently. We all have to learn to take it one day at a time, not to plan too far ahead, and be grateful for small blessings. That your sister can sleep is a good thing. Sometimes that is the best way I can deal with the chemo sickness. That your sister wrote an obituary is not uncommon when we start death in the face. Hopefully, she will develop a will to fight and live but it might take a while. Again, everyone deals with immortality in their own way. One thing for sure, we all will face death, well or sick. I believe a good cry is good for us all once in awhile. Thank you for being there for your sister. (((Hugs and prayers))) Saundra
  • mopar
    mopar Member Posts: 1,972 Member
    #3
    FOR YOUR HURTING HEART
    I'm glad that you find this place to be a source of comfort to you, a place where you can release your innermost thoughts and fears. And I'm sorry you are in such distress. Understandable.

    But I have a suggestion - time to put the books away, stay off the 'informative' websites, etc. They all have their place, and knowledge is power. But there comes a time when you need to set that all aside and take one day (and one moment!) at a time. It sounds as though you, and your sister and family, need support during this difficult time. Please encourage her to come here. We'd love to talk to her.

    And the doctor is right - the numbers can go down - even to the last chemo treatment and beyond. I could suggest some other things for your sister right now, but it would be best for her to let us know what she needs.

    Until then, please know that I am praying for you and your sister and family. We're here for you.

    Luv, Hugs and Prayers,
    Monika
  • SMILES1001
    SMILES1001 Member Posts: 23
    #4
    mopar said:

    FOR YOUR HURTING HEART
    I'm glad that you find this place to be a source of comfort to you, a place where you can release your innermost thoughts and fears. And I'm sorry you are in such distress. Understandable.

    But I have a suggestion - time to put the books away, stay off the 'informative' websites, etc. They all have their place, and knowledge is power. But there comes a time when you need to set that all aside and take one day (and one moment!) at a time. It sounds as though you, and your sister and family, need support during this difficult time. Please encourage her to come here. We'd love to talk to her.

    And the doctor is right - the numbers can go down - even to the last chemo treatment and beyond. I could suggest some other things for your sister right now, but it would be best for her to let us know what she needs.

    Until then, please know that I am praying for you and your sister and family. We're here for you.

    Luv, Hugs and Prayers,
    Monika

    Thanks
    MOPAR Your so right it is time for me to relax but how can i when im so damn calm already! to my family i stand as a rock the shoulder to come cry on. So I shiw no expression and seem so calm. I think my mental has me thinking im really calm. well im gonna try what u guys say an take a break im un plugging the computer, putting these books on the shelf.


    Thanks guys, ill check on you guys in time!
  • ggggsister
    ggggsister Member Posts: 38
    #5
    SMILES1001 said:

    Thanks
    MOPAR Your so right it is time for me to relax but how can i when im so damn calm already! to my family i stand as a rock the shoulder to come cry on. So I shiw no expression and seem so calm. I think my mental has me thinking im really calm. well im gonna try what u guys say an take a break im un plugging the computer, putting these books on the shelf.


    Thanks guys, ill check on you guys in time!

    How are you doing, Smiles?
    Smiles, I'm a sister, too, of someone with this disease. I think I have some idea of what you're going through. How are you? How's your sister? I'll be thinking of you both, with prayers. My email address is gggg@jps.net if you want to talk.

    Gail

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