The BC Blues
I think post treatment depression is a little different than the biological blues that attack other seemingly fine people. Their depression may feel like sadness, but it is medical and it seems that medication and therapy work to give the people suffering from it back their otherwise not too shabby lives. I am just guessing, but I think that the depressions I have been reading about, and feeling, are protecting us from the fact that we think our lives are shabby now (what with the threat of recurrance) and we don't want to accept that. The depression kind of protects us from having to deal with that sadness. Maybe that is just true for me.
Also, from what I understand, most other depressions are sort of there all the time. My blues seem to go when I am busy and come when I am worried. Which makes me think it is not a brain chemistry thing.
The main reason I bring all this up is not to mull it over, but to perhaps discuss some solutions. I read Suzanne's discussion of vitamin C and B. I also have been uptaking my vitamins lately. I have been trying other things that I would be happy to talk about and I sure would like to hear how each of you that are affected are dealing with it. Anyone interested?
AND, for all you who are not there, PLEASE PLEASE do not think this is inevitable, or even horrible. The blues seem to come with healing. And healing is where we want to go. Lastly, after a few months things are definitely getting easier and better for me. Like chemo, like rads, there is another light at the end of the tunnel for this journey too! Sorry so long winded, love, Joyce
Comments
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The BC Blues
I like what you said in your post. After a trauma it's natural to feel depressed. You just have to find ways to put it behind you. Like you said, find things to keep you busy. Yes, most of my depression is chemical, but not all. I would like to hear what other things you are trying. My medication only works so much. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to help each other find it. One of the things I do is play mind games on the computer. I can't do it all the time, but I take an hour every day to play some kind of game that challenges my mind and I forget about being depressed. It helps me think more clearly when I am finished. I guess it takes my mind off the bad stuff. I would like to know how you cope. The games may sound silly, but they help. Tell us about what you do, please.
Love, Suzanne0 -
Depression
I have struggled with different types and degrees of depression most of my adult life, both before and after cancer. Over the years I have learned to distinguish pretty much when depression is a result of just physical trauma (such as chemical imbalance or medication related), and when it is the result of emotional trauma (such as cancer or loosing hubby to cancer....I got cancer and he got lost...lol), and of course when it is a combination of both, such as being diagnosed with cancer the third time just 6 months after hubby left.
I have never taken medication specific to combating depression. I tend to 'grin and bear it' unless I am actually bleeding profusely. The most effective tool I have found is right here under my fingers. Finding csn was truly a God-send. I have only been here about 3 years and have been a cancer survivor for 22. I have truly been more emotionally 'stable' (relatively speaking
) since joining this group than since I was a young woman. (I am 60).
Yes, I still have emotional ups and downs, but I know now that getting in touch with others who relate and who may even actually appreciate what I have to offer is huge. For me depression is in feeling superfluous. I NEVER feel that way among my friends here. Thank you all.0 -
Have You Seen My Chakra?
Hi Joysis,
As you know, I have been dealing with depression for quite some time. In the last two months, I've been putting a lot of into following the advice that I've been given by docs, friends, family, and books/articles. You know, the things that are supposed to make me feel better. So, I've been a good citizen.
What I find is that when I'm active and doing positive things, I feel better and more optimistic. But as you know, since fatigue plays a major role in my life, I cannot be active every second of the day. I get tired and I need to rest. At these moments, when I'm left to my own devices, I sink and feel a bit overwhelmed and hopeless.
Here's some of the things I've been doing the last month or so. These may or may not be the answer:
Exercising 4 or 5 times a week. I do a lot of stretching, which is my favorite part. This in itself makes me feel calmer and almost peaceful. Then I do 30 minutes of mostly walking and some running. This makes me sweat like a pig, which sometimes irritates me and at other times exhilarates me. And may I add that I have lost NO weight.
I've been listening to inspirational CDs on the way to work. The one I like is called the Caroline Myss and Wayne Dyer Seminar. It focuses on inspiration and spiritual healing. I particularly like the Caroline Myss portions about spiritual healing. She interweaves a lot of common sense with the spiritual talk. However, I still haven't figured out what my Chakra is. I think I might have experimented with it in college? And I'm not sure even sure that I know how to spell it.
I've taken up crossword puzzles and Sudoku (sp? number game). A couple of weeks ago, I would have looked at these types of puzzles and my mind would have gone blank and I would have panicked. I'm still in the intermediate levels, but I really think it helps me with the Chemo Brain. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm growing addicted to them. I'm finding that once I start doing them I can't stop and hours go by. Could be OCD. Oh, and the other problem is I can't do them before I go to bed, because my mind needs time to stop working before I go to sleep. Around this time, I watch very trashy reality TV. For some reason, watching stupid, superficial people makes me feel good inside.
Went on antidepressants.
Finally, I'm trying to eat better. Some times I succeed and sometimes I don't. For the most part though I am eating healthier -- good proteins, fruits and vegs, and more low fat products. And I make myself drink eight glasses of water a day. I don't necessarily feel better, but at least I'm not plagued with guilt. Instead I am plagued with gas. At this rate, I'll be a very healthy, smelly person with no friends. Except you guys.(And by the way, have I mentioned that I haven't lost ONE pound?)
I've volunteered for the ACS's Road to Recovery program. I'm going to be attending training this Friday, and then I'll be providing rides to patients that need transportation to their treatments. I may also stay with them during their TX if they want me to. I don't know how I will react to this. Either helping others is going to get the focus off of me and make me feel good that I'm helping someone, or it's going to bring back too many painful memories. We shall see. I told the ACS that I would initially try 8 volunteer hours. As you probably can tell, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm just not sure I'm emotionally ready for this.
So, after doing all this, how do I feel? Honestly, like I'm teeter tottering on the brink of either a breakthrough or a breakdown! It's kind of like eating a **** sandwich with cheese. When I focus on the cheese part, I feel better. When I focus on the **** part, I feel worse. But sometimes even when I focused on the cheese, there's this little voice that reminds me that this is, after all, a **** sandwich. But perhaps if I keep trying I'll be promoted to Spam. Hey, Baby steps, right?
I'm not sure if this was inspirational in anyway. However, if you see my Chakra, please tell it to come home.
Love Ya, Girlfriend!
Kim0 -
I love your posting. You'vekbc4869 said:Have You Seen My Chakra?
Hi Joysis,
As you know, I have been dealing with depression for quite some time. In the last two months, I've been putting a lot of into following the advice that I've been given by docs, friends, family, and books/articles. You know, the things that are supposed to make me feel better. So, I've been a good citizen.
What I find is that when I'm active and doing positive things, I feel better and more optimistic. But as you know, since fatigue plays a major role in my life, I cannot be active every second of the day. I get tired and I need to rest. At these moments, when I'm left to my own devices, I sink and feel a bit overwhelmed and hopeless.
Here's some of the things I've been doing the last month or so. These may or may not be the answer:
Exercising 4 or 5 times a week. I do a lot of stretching, which is my favorite part. This in itself makes me feel calmer and almost peaceful. Then I do 30 minutes of mostly walking and some running. This makes me sweat like a pig, which sometimes irritates me and at other times exhilarates me. And may I add that I have lost NO weight.
I've been listening to inspirational CDs on the way to work. The one I like is called the Caroline Myss and Wayne Dyer Seminar. It focuses on inspiration and spiritual healing. I particularly like the Caroline Myss portions about spiritual healing. She interweaves a lot of common sense with the spiritual talk. However, I still haven't figured out what my Chakra is. I think I might have experimented with it in college? And I'm not sure even sure that I know how to spell it.
I've taken up crossword puzzles and Sudoku (sp? number game). A couple of weeks ago, I would have looked at these types of puzzles and my mind would have gone blank and I would have panicked. I'm still in the intermediate levels, but I really think it helps me with the Chemo Brain. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm growing addicted to them. I'm finding that once I start doing them I can't stop and hours go by. Could be OCD. Oh, and the other problem is I can't do them before I go to bed, because my mind needs time to stop working before I go to sleep. Around this time, I watch very trashy reality TV. For some reason, watching stupid, superficial people makes me feel good inside.
Went on antidepressants.
Finally, I'm trying to eat better. Some times I succeed and sometimes I don't. For the most part though I am eating healthier -- good proteins, fruits and vegs, and more low fat products. And I make myself drink eight glasses of water a day. I don't necessarily feel better, but at least I'm not plagued with guilt. Instead I am plagued with gas. At this rate, I'll be a very healthy, smelly person with no friends. Except you guys.(And by the way, have I mentioned that I haven't lost ONE pound?)
I've volunteered for the ACS's Road to Recovery program. I'm going to be attending training this Friday, and then I'll be providing rides to patients that need transportation to their treatments. I may also stay with them during their TX if they want me to. I don't know how I will react to this. Either helping others is going to get the focus off of me and make me feel good that I'm helping someone, or it's going to bring back too many painful memories. We shall see. I told the ACS that I would initially try 8 volunteer hours. As you probably can tell, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm just not sure I'm emotionally ready for this.
So, after doing all this, how do I feel? Honestly, like I'm teeter tottering on the brink of either a breakthrough or a breakdown! It's kind of like eating a **** sandwich with cheese. When I focus on the cheese part, I feel better. When I focus on the **** part, I feel worse. But sometimes even when I focused on the cheese, there's this little voice that reminds me that this is, after all, a **** sandwich. But perhaps if I keep trying I'll be promoted to Spam. Hey, Baby steps, right?
I'm not sure if this was inspirational in anyway. However, if you see my Chakra, please tell it to come home.
Love Ya, Girlfriend!
Kim
I love your posting. You've made my day. I'm still laughing. If I see your Chakra, I'll let it know that you miss it. If it sees mine, maybe they will get together for a few laughs and let them lunch on the s**t and cheese sandwiches. Hugs, Marilynn0 -
I try....
Hi Joyce,
I am not finished with treatment. Have had mastectomy & just had surgery for port placement a few days ago. Will be starting chemo in two days. And there are days when I just cannot shake the blues. I try very, very hard to remain upbeat and positive...cheerful. I don't like to let my family see me sad or frightened.
Growing up, we were taught that we were strong and we needn't show our true emotions to others. I guess that's why I hesitate to let anyone see me in a down mood. But there are times when I just simply want to sob my heart out. At that point, my brain steps in and says...what's the point of doing that. It won't change anything.
And then I build myself up, preparing for chemo and possible adverse reactions, but knowing that I can and will cope. But inevitibly, someone will come along and start regaling me with horror stories of what their aunt or friend went through while on chemo, and I am reduced to a puddle of fear and self doubt. And I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I think of all that I have come through thus far, and I am proud of me. But then I think of all that I need to do yet, the chemo, the rad, the year of Herceptin IVs...and it brings me right back down again. Plus the fact that I just cannot do as much physically here at home, I get frustrated in that I have to ask others to help me.
If I didn't have all of you to talk to about things like this, I honestly don't know what I would do. My family is great, but I don't want to upset them...I want to be strong for them.
My friends just don't understand. I usually get a pat on the head from them and told everything will be fine. So I depend on all of you because you understand. Thank you for being here and for listening to me.
CR0 -
depression
Hi Joyce,
I know exactly what you are saying and it seems like from the other postings alot of us are in this together and YES, I THANK GOD I FOUND THIS SITE!!!!!! I'm so depressed all of the time and so scared of this whole journey. What a shocker it has been especially the day I found out I had bc. I try so hard to change my feelings cause I really don't think it's fair for my husband to see me or really deal with the way my attitude has been. It's so sad how nasty I am and not meaning it at all. Our children are up north and we are in Florida so needless to say I miss them so much. My husband has been by my side since this all came about (May 1st), but I'm feeling as though he is getting alittle annoyed with me because of my attitude. I wish I can change it, but I can't. I'm on antidepressant meds as it is, since I was in a horrible care accident back in 2002. Nothing is helping but honestly just being able to express myself here. Only us, the people whom have gone through this totally understand. Everyone else says "it could have been worse", "or keep your head up", "keep fighting", etc..................Yes we know all of this, but it doesn't help the person who is going through all this. I'm constantly in pain and I HATE feeling this way. I start radiation Wed. but tomorrow I'm going for a diagnostic mamo and ultra sound, since I have alot of pain in my breast and I feel something really hard.
I can go on forever, but I'm not going to.......
Thank You all for being here.
Hugs to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Janny0 -
I loved your comment.kbc4869 said:Have You Seen My Chakra?
Hi Joysis,
As you know, I have been dealing with depression for quite some time. In the last two months, I've been putting a lot of into following the advice that I've been given by docs, friends, family, and books/articles. You know, the things that are supposed to make me feel better. So, I've been a good citizen.
What I find is that when I'm active and doing positive things, I feel better and more optimistic. But as you know, since fatigue plays a major role in my life, I cannot be active every second of the day. I get tired and I need to rest. At these moments, when I'm left to my own devices, I sink and feel a bit overwhelmed and hopeless.
Here's some of the things I've been doing the last month or so. These may or may not be the answer:
Exercising 4 or 5 times a week. I do a lot of stretching, which is my favorite part. This in itself makes me feel calmer and almost peaceful. Then I do 30 minutes of mostly walking and some running. This makes me sweat like a pig, which sometimes irritates me and at other times exhilarates me. And may I add that I have lost NO weight.
I've been listening to inspirational CDs on the way to work. The one I like is called the Caroline Myss and Wayne Dyer Seminar. It focuses on inspiration and spiritual healing. I particularly like the Caroline Myss portions about spiritual healing. She interweaves a lot of common sense with the spiritual talk. However, I still haven't figured out what my Chakra is. I think I might have experimented with it in college? And I'm not sure even sure that I know how to spell it.
I've taken up crossword puzzles and Sudoku (sp? number game). A couple of weeks ago, I would have looked at these types of puzzles and my mind would have gone blank and I would have panicked. I'm still in the intermediate levels, but I really think it helps me with the Chemo Brain. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm growing addicted to them. I'm finding that once I start doing them I can't stop and hours go by. Could be OCD. Oh, and the other problem is I can't do them before I go to bed, because my mind needs time to stop working before I go to sleep. Around this time, I watch very trashy reality TV. For some reason, watching stupid, superficial people makes me feel good inside.
Went on antidepressants.
Finally, I'm trying to eat better. Some times I succeed and sometimes I don't. For the most part though I am eating healthier -- good proteins, fruits and vegs, and more low fat products. And I make myself drink eight glasses of water a day. I don't necessarily feel better, but at least I'm not plagued with guilt. Instead I am plagued with gas. At this rate, I'll be a very healthy, smelly person with no friends. Except you guys.(And by the way, have I mentioned that I haven't lost ONE pound?)
I've volunteered for the ACS's Road to Recovery program. I'm going to be attending training this Friday, and then I'll be providing rides to patients that need transportation to their treatments. I may also stay with them during their TX if they want me to. I don't know how I will react to this. Either helping others is going to get the focus off of me and make me feel good that I'm helping someone, or it's going to bring back too many painful memories. We shall see. I told the ACS that I would initially try 8 volunteer hours. As you probably can tell, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm just not sure I'm emotionally ready for this.
So, after doing all this, how do I feel? Honestly, like I'm teeter tottering on the brink of either a breakthrough or a breakdown! It's kind of like eating a **** sandwich with cheese. When I focus on the cheese part, I feel better. When I focus on the **** part, I feel worse. But sometimes even when I focused on the cheese, there's this little voice that reminds me that this is, after all, a **** sandwich. But perhaps if I keep trying I'll be promoted to Spam. Hey, Baby steps, right?
I'm not sure if this was inspirational in anyway. However, if you see my Chakra, please tell it to come home.
Love Ya, Girlfriend!
Kim
I loved your comment. Laughed right out loud. Yeah - we have all had a s**t sandwich. I'm new to this thing so thank you.0 -
Keep Us Postedjannyfran said:depression
Hi Joyce,
I know exactly what you are saying and it seems like from the other postings alot of us are in this together and YES, I THANK GOD I FOUND THIS SITE!!!!!! I'm so depressed all of the time and so scared of this whole journey. What a shocker it has been especially the day I found out I had bc. I try so hard to change my feelings cause I really don't think it's fair for my husband to see me or really deal with the way my attitude has been. It's so sad how nasty I am and not meaning it at all. Our children are up north and we are in Florida so needless to say I miss them so much. My husband has been by my side since this all came about (May 1st), but I'm feeling as though he is getting alittle annoyed with me because of my attitude. I wish I can change it, but I can't. I'm on antidepressant meds as it is, since I was in a horrible care accident back in 2002. Nothing is helping but honestly just being able to express myself here. Only us, the people whom have gone through this totally understand. Everyone else says "it could have been worse", "or keep your head up", "keep fighting", etc..................Yes we know all of this, but it doesn't help the person who is going through all this. I'm constantly in pain and I HATE feeling this way. I start radiation Wed. but tomorrow I'm going for a diagnostic mamo and ultra sound, since I have alot of pain in my breast and I feel something really hard.
I can go on forever, but I'm not going to.......
Thank You all for being here.
Hugs to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Janny
Janny, please keep us posted on your progress and how you are feeling. We care and we're here. Hugs, Marilynn0 -
i willmgm42 said:Keep Us Posted
Janny, please keep us posted on your progress and how you are feeling. We care and we're here. Hugs, Marilynn
Marilynn, thank you so much. i really, really do appreciate that, cause most of the time I feel so alone and really have nobody to express my thoughts with.
janny0 -
Wow! Thank you all so much
Wow! Thank you all so much for replying. It is incredible to have this kind of support - the kind from someone else who knows. Like Zahalene and others of you said, this posting place is an incredible help to me. I am even a little worried that you will think I am overly addicted to this site (which I am!).
Next paragraph I will write somethings that are helping me (besides the number one, this site). But first I want to say that we should all be commended! Why? Because we all have so many things we are trying. I mean, we just don't give up! While we certainly had to fight during treatment, sometimes that consists of lying in an easy chair with something being pumped into our bodies. Not much work. But getting up, morning after morning, when our world seems out of balance and trying, once again, to balance it. That is work.
I started to write a list, but then found I wanted to comment at length so instead, I am going to break things into several (boring) posts. The first one is on health.
ONE I do anything that makes me feel healthy. Exactly what it is doesn't matter, it is the feeling of being in control of my health that I am going after. For example, I saw this drink at the health food store called Kombuchu. It is made out of fermented tea. Little nasty things float in the bottom of the bottle and it is so sharp you have to sip it like wine. The first time my husband and I tried it we said "Damn, thats good!" (with the emphasis on the first word). Anyway, it tastes so bad - it must be good! I have gotten to crave it, or crave the feeling that I am drinking some remarkable health elixir. I also exercise and do yoga. I tried Tai chi but it was boring and doesn't hurt like yoga. Same theory - If it hurts a little, it must be strong good medicine for me. Now, I know that this attitude is kind of silly. But right now, where I am, I need it. So, recommendation number one for fighting the aftershock blues - try some healthy things in diet and exercise. You don't have to knock yourself out but you do need to attach a strong spiritual meaning to the health step you are taking to make yourself feel back in control of your health a little (because, after all - we all had a bad experience that left me, anyway, feeling helpless) . And exercise, in and of itself balances some well being chemicals, I think.
I also, like some of you, have been taking some new vitamins. I take vitamin D (there has been some research supporting its use in fighting cancer),vitamin B and also some algae pills that are a natural source of vitamin B. I also take these mushroom supplements that I read about in several naturopath books. I don't know if they will make any difference, but since it is the placebo affect that I am going after, I like to tell myself that they do. I stopped eating sugar and meat and caffiene. But just so you know I am not a saint, I cheat alot. I enjoy both the discipline of the regime and the fun of cheating. Can't have one without the other!
Wow, I have gone on too long already. There is more i want to write. Good thing that you have a scroll down bar, huh?
I really enjoyed reading your responses. And of course would like to write a lot about what you have said, too. Yikes, I need an editor! I will write more after I cheat on my diet a little. Love a million, to each of you. Hey, I feel better already and hope you do too.
love, Joyce0 -
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for bringing it back. So many times we don't see it, but it's always there.
I changed my way of eating, and I'm more conscious of the vitamins I take. I do yoga, and listen sometimes to CD's of meditation. I read a lot, listen to music and I'm back to work. I make the point of calling at least a friend every week (it seems that now that I'm done with the treatments, they don't call so often) But something very important is missing in my life: C R E A T I V I T Y. I don't know why, but this word it's been coming to my mind so often lately. I think that if we find something that we really really get hooked to, and where we can express and create, it can absorb our minds in such a way that we won't feel depressed or down so often. Maybe I got the "inspiration" after I saw the web site LILLYONCOLOGYONCANVAS.COM.
Hugs!!0 -
Just a few more things. I
Just a few more things. I am promising myself I will keep it short.
Sometimes I need things to help me over a really low down. I like to play solataire on the computer. It takes just the right amount of thinking and all of it about something inconsequential, cards. It is kind of like eating a soda cracker between wine tasting to clear the pallette of unwanted emotions. The problem with a feeling down jag is there is nothing to do about it and my mind starts pulling up everything it can and shining the ugly light on it. At these times I am helped by getting up and doing something that requires no decisions. Like my yoga program that has a work out completely outlined, step by step, for each day for 8 weeks. I just do what it says. Building little routines into our lives can be really helpful. I also train my dog, doing what it says for day one, day two, etc. The key is having it all mapped out when your mind is racing into other unwanted thoughts.
I also have listened to guided imagery and affirmations. Again, with these recordings, I am passive and not in charge of thinking the right thoughts. Someone else thinks and says them for me. It is very calming when I need it. And I have read lots of books. Escapist books are nice, but when I am feeling blue, I like self help type books. Like reading a diet book, but not having to diet. Some good ones for me are A Pace of Grace, Peace Love & Healing (loved it), The Wellness Workbook, etc. I am a very skeptical person, but books with new spiritual philosophies are interesting to me now. I have even delved into some new age body mind connectedness stuff.
In writing these things down, I find that I have no answers. No one thing cures me or does what I really want - makes the truth different. But the truth is getting easier to handle and most importantly, easier to ignore. After all, men don't join support groups based on their likelihood of having a heart attack. Even women as yet untouched by C have a one in eight chance, (12.5%) (for many of you, your onc gave you better odds than someone who hasn't had it!) of getting it. But, blessedly, people can shove these worries out of their minds, even while taking steps to avoid them, but for the most part returning to that calm confidence that things will be okay. We need that to live. And for us, post DX, it has been shaken. But it will return. Most of the time. And more and more of the time as the days pass. At least I hope so! Okay, no more long winded emails from me. But thank you all for this wonderful chance to read about your lives and coping strategies. LOVE, Joyce0 -
Zahalene - Reading yourzahalene said:Depression
I have struggled with different types and degrees of depression most of my adult life, both before and after cancer. Over the years I have learned to distinguish pretty much when depression is a result of just physical trauma (such as chemical imbalance or medication related), and when it is the result of emotional trauma (such as cancer or loosing hubby to cancer....I got cancer and he got lost...lol), and of course when it is a combination of both, such as being diagnosed with cancer the third time just 6 months after hubby left.
I have never taken medication specific to combating depression. I tend to 'grin and bear it' unless I am actually bleeding profusely. The most effective tool I have found is right here under my fingers. Finding csn was truly a God-send. I have only been here about 3 years and have been a cancer survivor for 22. I have truly been more emotionally 'stable' (relatively speaking) since joining this group than since I was a young woman. (I am 60).
Yes, I still have emotional ups and downs, but I know now that getting in touch with others who relate and who may even actually appreciate what I have to offer is huge. For me depression is in feeling superfluous. I NEVER feel that way among my friends here. Thank you all.
Zahalene - Reading your post, I must say...I wish that you had had someone there for you in the early years like you have been here for us. Thank you SO much. Love, Joyce0 -
Kimsis - Anyone who gets youkbc4869 said:Have You Seen My Chakra?
Hi Joysis,
As you know, I have been dealing with depression for quite some time. In the last two months, I've been putting a lot of into following the advice that I've been given by docs, friends, family, and books/articles. You know, the things that are supposed to make me feel better. So, I've been a good citizen.
What I find is that when I'm active and doing positive things, I feel better and more optimistic. But as you know, since fatigue plays a major role in my life, I cannot be active every second of the day. I get tired and I need to rest. At these moments, when I'm left to my own devices, I sink and feel a bit overwhelmed and hopeless.
Here's some of the things I've been doing the last month or so. These may or may not be the answer:
Exercising 4 or 5 times a week. I do a lot of stretching, which is my favorite part. This in itself makes me feel calmer and almost peaceful. Then I do 30 minutes of mostly walking and some running. This makes me sweat like a pig, which sometimes irritates me and at other times exhilarates me. And may I add that I have lost NO weight.
I've been listening to inspirational CDs on the way to work. The one I like is called the Caroline Myss and Wayne Dyer Seminar. It focuses on inspiration and spiritual healing. I particularly like the Caroline Myss portions about spiritual healing. She interweaves a lot of common sense with the spiritual talk. However, I still haven't figured out what my Chakra is. I think I might have experimented with it in college? And I'm not sure even sure that I know how to spell it.
I've taken up crossword puzzles and Sudoku (sp? number game). A couple of weeks ago, I would have looked at these types of puzzles and my mind would have gone blank and I would have panicked. I'm still in the intermediate levels, but I really think it helps me with the Chemo Brain. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm growing addicted to them. I'm finding that once I start doing them I can't stop and hours go by. Could be OCD. Oh, and the other problem is I can't do them before I go to bed, because my mind needs time to stop working before I go to sleep. Around this time, I watch very trashy reality TV. For some reason, watching stupid, superficial people makes me feel good inside.
Went on antidepressants.
Finally, I'm trying to eat better. Some times I succeed and sometimes I don't. For the most part though I am eating healthier -- good proteins, fruits and vegs, and more low fat products. And I make myself drink eight glasses of water a day. I don't necessarily feel better, but at least I'm not plagued with guilt. Instead I am plagued with gas. At this rate, I'll be a very healthy, smelly person with no friends. Except you guys.(And by the way, have I mentioned that I haven't lost ONE pound?)
I've volunteered for the ACS's Road to Recovery program. I'm going to be attending training this Friday, and then I'll be providing rides to patients that need transportation to their treatments. I may also stay with them during their TX if they want me to. I don't know how I will react to this. Either helping others is going to get the focus off of me and make me feel good that I'm helping someone, or it's going to bring back too many painful memories. We shall see. I told the ACS that I would initially try 8 volunteer hours. As you probably can tell, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm just not sure I'm emotionally ready for this.
So, after doing all this, how do I feel? Honestly, like I'm teeter tottering on the brink of either a breakthrough or a breakdown! It's kind of like eating a **** sandwich with cheese. When I focus on the cheese part, I feel better. When I focus on the **** part, I feel worse. But sometimes even when I focused on the cheese, there's this little voice that reminds me that this is, after all, a **** sandwich. But perhaps if I keep trying I'll be promoted to Spam. Hey, Baby steps, right?
I'm not sure if this was inspirational in anyway. However, if you see my Chakra, please tell it to come home.
Love Ya, Girlfriend!
Kim
Kimsis - Anyone who gets you for a road to recovery volunteer is sooo lucky! I can't believe it, I am jealous! lol. I do crosswords too and I am really snobby about it and only work the hard ones which I can't work. I think I know what chakras are, but do we each get a special one? Like a defining one? I have a friend who tested my chakras for me with a pendulum. I don't know that I believed her involuntary muscles weren't helping out with the pendulum swing but I loved the solicitous attention. She did some rieki healing too. Bring it on! At the moment I think I will try anything short of botox. Thanks for your really helpful AND inspirational post! love back at you, Joyce0 -
Whoa, are there some goodsuzanne56 said:The BC Blues
I like what you said in your post. After a trauma it's natural to feel depressed. You just have to find ways to put it behind you. Like you said, find things to keep you busy. Yes, most of my depression is chemical, but not all. I would like to hear what other things you are trying. My medication only works so much. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to help each other find it. One of the things I do is play mind games on the computer. I can't do it all the time, but I take an hour every day to play some kind of game that challenges my mind and I forget about being depressed. It helps me think more clearly when I am finished. I guess it takes my mind off the bad stuff. I would like to know how you cope. The games may sound silly, but they help. Tell us about what you do, please.
Love, Suzanne
Whoa, are there some good mind games on the computer I don't know about? I am stuck in horse and buggy days playing computer solitaire. By the way, your picture is positively haunting. It really shows your inner strength and struggles. I am so glad you are a part of this board. Love, Joyce0 -
Gee Gals, I've changed my eating as well. From being conscientious about what I eat, buying organic, taking lots of vitamins and supplements to not being as concerned about it all.sylva said:THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for bringing it back. So many times we don't see it, but it's always there.
I changed my way of eating, and I'm more conscious of the vitamins I take. I do yoga, and listen sometimes to CD's of meditation. I read a lot, listen to music and I'm back to work. I make the point of calling at least a friend every week (it seems that now that I'm done with the treatments, they don't call so often) But something very important is missing in my life: C R E A T I V I T Y. I don't know why, but this word it's been coming to my mind so often lately. I think that if we find something that we really really get hooked to, and where we can express and create, it can absorb our minds in such a way that we won't feel depressed or down so often. Maybe I got the "inspiration" after I saw the web site LILLYONCOLOGYONCANVAS.COM.
Hugs!!
You see, I thought I had been taking precautions even though there is no cancer in my family's history. So I do feel a little betrayed. Like what was the point. Now, I still buy organic and roughly eat the same, but I'm not strict about it at all. The only vitamins I take now are Calcium, Mag and Vit D but I was taking tons of stuff when I was first diagnosed. I've always been a huge advocate of alternative medicine. I also took medicine from an elder on a reserve in our area. Oh yes, I do try and get 2 tbsp of flax meal/day and some oil if I remember.
I'm not trying to discount diet, but I ate far better than my ancestors who lived to a ripe old age without ever taking a vitamin or knowing what an omega 3 was about. So for myself, I can't get too excited about it even though I am aware of what the studies are saying. Sometimes I think it's going to be what it's going to be and sometimes we make a huge effort for something that doesn't happen and no effort for other things that do happen.
I think a lot of depression comes from the treatment itself. I was terribly depressed after my first dose of taxotere and that gradually faded out then I relived it with the Tamoxifen until I split my dosage in half. Immediate relief. I don't take any antidepressants because I never believed I needed them. I blamed it all on the meds. Music and nature help me a lot.
We live in a woodland setting and I love watching the rain or snow fall while listening to music. Just taking in all the beauty.
Sylva, I know what you mean about needing to be creative. I measure my mood by how creative I'm feeling. It didn't come back right away and I was afraid it would never come back but hooray, it did and it will for you too. I think that is the most important part of my life is to be inspired and give inspiration through creative works that I usually give away.
I wonder how much of our lives are spent worrying about death. (Glad I didn't see that show that you all had posted about). How often do we "chew" about the possible negatives that may happen in the future. I keep reminding myself that what I have is "now", I don't have a blessed clue about my future even though I may like to think I do. I am learning to give up my future and just try to find happiness in the here and now. What will be will be. Cause how many times has someone bought or done something thinking it will bring them happiness (or health) and it has in fact given them the opposite. Many times for me.
There is much to ponder, but we are all a phoenix rising. From all the crap, fear and despair will come a new day, a new life and a new being.
All good blessings and much uplifting to you all
love
jan0 -
CR - I am really glad thatCR1954 said:I try....
Hi Joyce,
I am not finished with treatment. Have had mastectomy & just had surgery for port placement a few days ago. Will be starting chemo in two days. And there are days when I just cannot shake the blues. I try very, very hard to remain upbeat and positive...cheerful. I don't like to let my family see me sad or frightened.
Growing up, we were taught that we were strong and we needn't show our true emotions to others. I guess that's why I hesitate to let anyone see me in a down mood. But there are times when I just simply want to sob my heart out. At that point, my brain steps in and says...what's the point of doing that. It won't change anything.
And then I build myself up, preparing for chemo and possible adverse reactions, but knowing that I can and will cope. But inevitibly, someone will come along and start regaling me with horror stories of what their aunt or friend went through while on chemo, and I am reduced to a puddle of fear and self doubt. And I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I think of all that I have come through thus far, and I am proud of me. But then I think of all that I need to do yet, the chemo, the rad, the year of Herceptin IVs...and it brings me right back down again. Plus the fact that I just cannot do as much physically here at home, I get frustrated in that I have to ask others to help me.
If I didn't have all of you to talk to about things like this, I honestly don't know what I would do. My family is great, but I don't want to upset them...I want to be strong for them.
My friends just don't understand. I usually get a pat on the head from them and told everything will be fine. So I depend on all of you because you understand. Thank you for being here and for listening to me.
CR
CR - I am really glad that you can come here and speak your true emotions. I believe that is really important. And so true about people bringing up horror stories. THere is one woman at work who constantly tells me all the people she knows who are suffering. I promise, I am trying to end my friendsship with her to protect myself. From what I hear from her, ALL her friends are meeting a bad end and I don't want to be one of them! By the way, the year of herceptin is not that bad. You can take it every three weeks, for an hour and a half. There are not side effects. And it feels good to do something to deter recurrance.
Most of all, CR, be easy on yourself. And speak your mind anytime you want. love, Joyce0 -
Hugs to you too, Janny. Andjannyfran said:depression
Hi Joyce,
I know exactly what you are saying and it seems like from the other postings alot of us are in this together and YES, I THANK GOD I FOUND THIS SITE!!!!!! I'm so depressed all of the time and so scared of this whole journey. What a shocker it has been especially the day I found out I had bc. I try so hard to change my feelings cause I really don't think it's fair for my husband to see me or really deal with the way my attitude has been. It's so sad how nasty I am and not meaning it at all. Our children are up north and we are in Florida so needless to say I miss them so much. My husband has been by my side since this all came about (May 1st), but I'm feeling as though he is getting alittle annoyed with me because of my attitude. I wish I can change it, but I can't. I'm on antidepressant meds as it is, since I was in a horrible care accident back in 2002. Nothing is helping but honestly just being able to express myself here. Only us, the people whom have gone through this totally understand. Everyone else says "it could have been worse", "or keep your head up", "keep fighting", etc..................Yes we know all of this, but it doesn't help the person who is going through all this. I'm constantly in pain and I HATE feeling this way. I start radiation Wed. but tomorrow I'm going for a diagnostic mamo and ultra sound, since I have alot of pain in my breast and I feel something really hard.
I can go on forever, but I'm not going to.......
Thank You all for being here.
Hugs to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Janny
Hugs to you too, Janny. And best wishes for a positive visit tomorrow. Please write and let us know how it goes. In the meantime, I will think my best positive thoughts for you. Did you read the posts on rads? There was a good one lately, I think by BabeBussie?, the gist of which is rads are not to be feared - they go pretty smooth and easy. Or maybe, by the time we get them, by comparison to chemo, they just seem like it. But for me, they were just fine. I also put my husband throught the wringer with my journey through TX. I tried to occasionally thank him. Sometimes I said things like, "I am so grateful to you for listening to me when I am down. It really helps." Even if it didn't. But it kept him feeling connected, and that connection really helps. Both of us. love, Joyce0 -
I think you are so rightsylva said:THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for bringing it back. So many times we don't see it, but it's always there.
I changed my way of eating, and I'm more conscious of the vitamins I take. I do yoga, and listen sometimes to CD's of meditation. I read a lot, listen to music and I'm back to work. I make the point of calling at least a friend every week (it seems that now that I'm done with the treatments, they don't call so often) But something very important is missing in my life: C R E A T I V I T Y. I don't know why, but this word it's been coming to my mind so often lately. I think that if we find something that we really really get hooked to, and where we can express and create, it can absorb our minds in such a way that we won't feel depressed or down so often. Maybe I got the "inspiration" after I saw the web site LILLYONCOLOGYONCANVAS.COM.
Hugs!!
I think you are so right about creativity. It just feels so good to do something from inside and see it before you. I will check out the website you mentioned. I have an art degree but don't do any art and really need the creativity too. Let me know how your creative adventures go. Thanks for posting, Love, Joyce0 -
You are very welcomeJoycelouise said:Zahalene - Reading your
Zahalene - Reading your post, I must say...I wish that you had had someone there for you in the early years like you have been here for us. Thank you SO much. Love, Joyce
Not to worry. I am in a good place now and can see that things have come round for the best.0
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