First let me say that I don't know what I would have done without all of you and your upbeat attitudes.
I just would like to know how do you do it?
I was to have my last Taxol chemo last week, but my body was in pain from my head to my toes, and I could not move. So this Wednesday, I hopefully, will be having my last chemo treatment.
I feel so much like a downer. I've tried to be upbeat, smile, and tell myself, others have it worse, but it doesn't work. Some of you may remember my pregnant daughter left me high and dry when she found out I had cancer. She didn't need the stress. From the beginning, people would tell me not to worry about her and try to get just get myself feeling better. Then I would hear like most of you did, that this was your time to have others care for you, and be supportive. That didn't work. You see I have had a horrible time getting used to letting others take care of me, and when I tried, others started to complain that they didn't understand why I was so sick all the time, or why was I in so much pain. In the first series of chemo, I developed an infection in my port, and was hospitalized for four days. I tried to talk to one of the drs who owned the specialty women's cancer center, and he told me that he could tell I wasn't happy with my treatment and maybe I should look elsewhere for my treatment. Please believe me when I say, I'm not the type that complains, I just want to know the 'whys' of what's going on with my body and was never told I had an infection until it sent me to the hospital, and I supposed since I was in this precarious situation, the drs hoped I would receive treatment elsewhere to protect their behinds. So I did. The new center was fantastic. No frills, no underlying moneymaking small prints, and the best group of nurses, aides and reasonably nice doctors. They all thought I was the nicest person, always smiling, great with the other patients, all in all a "real trooper". I never complained when it took my nurse at least three or four times to find a duable vein. I knew it wasn't her fault, I don't have the best of veins, but it still hurt, and I was trying to make her feel better. That's the type of person I am. I know I'm in the midst of complaining, but I was taking taxol every week for 12 weeks. The effects didn't affect me until the end of the 12 weeks. I hated to complain to them, but I only wanted to know if the horrible pain I was having was normal. All the drs, and my nurse would say, the side effects were different with everyone. I didn't even know body pain was a side effect until I discovered someone on this discussion board was experiencing the same thing. Then it comes back to my daughter. I worried more about what was going on with her, that I didn't care that I was going through chemo treatments. Now, my mom, husband....who are my support group say I shouldn't worry about her. I tried, but it's very hard. My mom is 78 and my husband is 13 years older than I am and was in a horrible car accident, where he was not expected to live, but left him with mild brain injury where at times, he acts like a 9 year old. My daughter does talk to him, but all he tells her when she asks is that I'm fine. Then he tells me that she doesn't want to even talk to me until a week after the baby is born, and if I planned to come up, (like I would even go somewhere where I'm not wanted) I couldn't stay a week, only a weekend. Because of all of this, I cry, and cry, and cry....non stop. I really try not to let anyone see me, but they know how upset I am with my daughter. My mom called my daughter, only to tell me (and I could just tell the words that were coming out of my mother's mouth were from my daughter). Mom told me that I to just get over things, and go out more, and STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. I couldn't believe it. Through all of this, I've tried to do what I'm supposed to do, even trying to make everyone else happy. I am so unhappy. My brother doesn't understand why I'm being treated like this, and has suggest I try to be a little more self-centered. It's gotten to the point. I don't want to deal with anyone. I feel it's always damn if I do, and damn if I don't. My husband thinks I'm angry at him all the time, and I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings, because she really tries. Now, I find out there may be side effects to rad. I had heard about the sunburn-like pain, but not really much more. I have read, and still read about everything and more that I need to know about BC and other cancers. I'm so sad, about being accused about not knowing what I need to know about what I'm going through. I don't expect anyone to wave their magic wands, and I know there are lot's of them out there. You all are angels, and I don't know what I would have done without you all. I'm so so sorry to let it all out, but I really feel so alone, I don't know what to do. When I ask for answers from drs, and nurses I feel I'm asking something stupid, so I step back a while, and just act like a good little girl. I do see a theraphist, all she does is sits and listens to me She says she wants me to get it all out. Then says she feels sorry for me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want to know how I'm supposed to feel. I keep thinking there's an expiration date on how much time, people are to be there for you. I should erase everything I've written. But..... . I'm not even going to re-read what I've written. Thank you all for being there.
Gale
