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Cant Seem to come to terms...

janinemah's picture
janinemah
Posts: 53
Joined: Feb 2006

I lost my mom June 7th 2007 almost 8 months ago.
I go to bed thinking about her and not believing it happened. fun how even though she fought Brain cancer for 17 months nad I was there every step of the way I still feel like it did not happen. I hate this. We were SO close, I mean we lived next door to each other for 18 years after I got married, We worked together in more then one business, and we played together all the time. We all did as a family, Now, I feel like I'm losing everyone!!..My daughter is now 19 and growing up, she's been playing with the idea of moving to the Netherlands,My 42 year old sister is pulling away, I feel she's hurting also and feels better when she is not looking it/me in the face, we work together also!...
My 18 year old sister who was 17 when mom pasted away moved in with us,She just up and moved Saturday, I dont even know where she went..it was totally uncalled for! I dont know why she got her panties in a wad, but she did and took off..(some new guy in her life) still it hurt....and to top it off my dog is getting old and dying...the vet thought it would be a month ago but she's still here.
I really want this to stop!...I feel so out of control.

survivor51
Posts: 282
Joined: Jan 2008

I lost my mom, and she was my best friend. It is very difficult and I found that I cried every day for a very long time. I found that I started writing a letter to her and just talking. It helped because we talked all the time. She was so strong. My father died of cancer also and I was the caregiver for both. It takes time to grieve and this is an important process. There were times I was so angry and I wrote down whatever was on my mind good/bad/ugly and then I took it outside and asked God to take it away and burned it. The pain is soooo awful but it does get better. When I found out that I had breast cancer in both breast, I was angry that they weren't there to help me. I especially missed my mom. I'm 51 yet still wanted my mama. It does get better and be kind to yourself. As to your sister, I have 3. The one that is 1 year older has been there for me. The other two that I am close to have not even called/visited/emailed. They cannot handle it. They were there for my parents but I can't believe for their own sister they aren't. I have learned to lean on friends and the sisterhood. As to the sister that is 18, you can't do anything about it be always let her know you are there. Losing you dog is going to be hard. When my father was dying, he had two dogs. One died the week before my father died. The other one I had to put down the week after he died. They were both 17 years old and just wanted to be with my father. Their organs were shutting down. I ended up cremating the last one and putting him in with my dad. We had my mom's ashes and put all together. The funny thing about this is that "both" my fahter's fiancees showed up at the funeral. It was quite interesting. A year after my father's death, we tossed all in the woods where they wanted. It was a good way to say goodbye. Give yourself time to morn, journal feelings, talk to friends, talk to your mom out loud....just not at the grocery store. Her spirit is still near. Feel free to email me and you can journal to me. I am a great listener. Nothing you say could be wrong. Angela

manna1qd's picture
manna1qd
Posts: 48
Joined: Dec 2007

I lost my father. It will be 15 years in February. My father in law died six months before that. I know it is different for a woman to lose her mother. It is the most intense relationship I think and therefore the hardest maybe to process. Eight months is not much time to be into a grief process. You lost your past, and sound like a lot of your present when you lost your Mom. Of course, you sisters did too. We all need to have time and space to work it out for ourselves I think. My experience tells me it takes at least a year to get through a cycle. That includes holidays, birthdays, four seasons, special occaisions, etc. The second year is trying to figure out now what is it going to be like, creating a new normal. The third year is tweaking it and gettin a bit more comfortable with "normal". Every year after that becomes more comfortable. It is never the same but I stopped sobbing somewhere in the second year. I started remembering and smiling in the third year. Time does heal. Be patient with yourself and your sisters. My family still reveals things and shows emotions about the circumstances of my father's illness and death now. (We are sloooooooooow learners and not great communicators! My husband's family has always been easy with crying and talkative about his father. It is different but not easy for every family. I am sorry you have lost such a huge part of your life. A big hug from me to you...

hopefulone
Posts: 1048
Joined: Jan 2007

Janine, I'm sorry your going thru such a rough time. Most of my family members are gone too. Just me , hubby and my 28 year old daughter who is on her own now. Hubby stage IV dx a year ago but (thank you to God) doing very well after 2 major operations. I'm about to lose my job soon, my dog also died suddenly last year after 11 years of being a family member , and 3 mos after my hubby's dx. (I have the dog from hell now lol)Anyway, I know how things can get overwhelming at times. Take a deep breath. Realize that there are things beyond your control. Try not to dwell on the things that went "wrong" or aren't in your control . I know it's extremely difficult, but you've got to stop to count your blessings also. Get support wherever you can, and give support wherever you can. It's not easy girlfriend, but sometimes you have to let go and let God you know? Everyone grieves in his/her own way. Your sisters may just need some space. Your daughter is grown up (I know how hard that one is too!) and she'll have a ton of things she will want to do. They will most likely change frequently(mine lived in fla for a year, south carolina for a year, I'm in NY). They need to live their life too(yes she's my only one and I'm glad she decided to come back here). Hang in there, things will get better. God Bless,
Diane

Folks24
Posts: 104
Joined: Feb 2007

It will take time. I refer to it as working on a "new normal".

I was an only child and the caretaker for my folks for many years. We were extremely close also. Dad passed away in 1993 due to emphysema. He had it since I was 13. Mom was in the hospital for 2 months before she passed away in 2001. I worked close by the hospital so I saw her in the morning, at lunch, after work and on weekends. This went on for the whole 2 months so when she passed it really really hit me also. I had the door to her room closed for a little over 1 month before I could open it. All the other relatives were out of town so after the funeral I was all by myself. I still remember walking to my car in an empty parking lot with a box of leftover cookies. Like it was all over with and it sure wasn't for me!

I am basically all by myself too. My closest kin are cousins that have their own families. I felt after my mother died that I lost everyone too. It is hard but you will gradually start working on your own life. It is difficult when for years you have defined yourself as mother or caretaker. In time you will get/feel better but it does take time.

AuthorUnknown
Posts: 1564
Joined: May 2006

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. You are in my prayers. I'm sure your mom is with the Lord smiling down on you. She is not in anymore pain and I think that is the best thing to focus on. It's so hard to as I know I lost my grandmother to cancer six years ago. She was like my mom as I lived with her and my mom all my life until I moved out for college months after she died...it was hard for me and I know it was hard for my mom because she lost my grandmother and then had to see her only daughter go away to college later that same year. I have been depressed for a long time after my grandmother died. I always had a low mood but I think her passing made things worse. I still think about her and I can't tell you that it's going to be easy but just pray that God gives you strength and peace and allows you to experience joy in the midst of your pain. I will pray the same. I'm sure you will work your way through this...just know that it's not something to be over but to learn how to deal with. Know that your mom is there with you spiritually and look out for signs that she sends you. For instance, my grandmother visits me in my dreams sometimes even if it's just to give me a hug...and when I moved into my first apartment the name of the street happened to be her favorite flower...and those flowers happened to be all around my apt the season I moved in. I didn't even realize it until about a year later! It just didn't hit me until my mom reminded me and I'm like wow...see it's the little things that let you know they are still around you and they still care. I hope you will find strength to be ok.

janinemah's picture
janinemah
Posts: 53
Joined: Feb 2006

Thank you so much!, Your stories have helped me alot.
I do see signs that mom is still with me and I know that it will always be a loss but that I will make it through it...
thank you
Janine

BugHunter's picture
BugHunter
Posts: 152
Joined: Oct 2007

I too lost my Mom to cancer back in 1972. She was 43 at the time and I was just 10. I struggled with it for years. I finally realized there wasn't a thing I could do about it and it was time to move on. Last year I turned 44 and it was playing hard on my mind that I was now older than Mom had ever been. About a month later I found out I had cancer! YIKES! My poor little mind was realing! As I went to work one day a song came on with a lyric "clarity breeds serinity" and it hit me, all I could do about it was all I could do and with that clarity came serinity. I don't think my Mom would approve of me feeling down and know she would want me to fight like hell to get better. So I went through 14 weeks of chemo and 33 IMRT and have been cancer free for 10 months now and am sure Mom is happy so far!

BILL

janinemah's picture
janinemah
Posts: 53
Joined: Feb 2006

I smiled when I read you reply. thank You..I'm sorry you lost your mom at such a young age, that must have been hard. I know in my heart you are right my mom would want me to move on..BUT what made me smile was that with brain cancer my mom was not herself...she had gottan to where she only wanted us to talk about her and her cancer nothing else!!..it makes me wonder where she stands on that today...*grin*...my sisters and I talk about this often. Thank you
Janine

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4622
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi Janine,

I lost my mom to cancer in August of 2000 and my sister to cancer Dec. 15, 2007. I am still reeling from the loss of my sister, hard to believe she is gone. As for my Mom was my dearest friend, we talked on the phone daily and would even call to say good night before we went to sleep. She battled cancer for 27 years and finally went to heaven in 2000. I still get the urge to call her and I still miss her a lot. I now have grandchildren and I just know she would love the dickens out of them. Time has healed the constant deep pain in my chest, but there is stil ache there and I suppose there will always be. I talk to her occassionally as if she was in the room with me and I believe in my heart she hears me. I am blessed to have had her for the 41 years she was here. She will always be my mom and my best friend, someday I will be with her again. Time will ease your pain and I am sorry for your loss.

Rena

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