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Have No Idea What I am Feeling

RubiesLucky1's picture
RubiesLucky1
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2007

I am a new CSN member and never ever thought I would be on a website expressing my thoughts about my personal life. However, I feel confused, angry and all I know is writing seems to help me feel better.

My mother was diasgnosed with kidney cancer in February 2007. Afther surgery and using medicine she seemed to get better. She has some real rough days but at times she had wonderful days. I am a recent graduate from college. I moved into my 1st apartment in Chicago on Labor Day. My mother had a check-up appointment later that week and her plan was to come to Chicago after seeing the doctor and she would help me decorate my apartment. My mom never left that doctor's appointment. The doctor found a tumor in her brain and my mother died September 9, 2007. I was there with her. I went to the hospital as soon as I found out she was admitted back into the hospital. The night before my mom passed, we sang songs, cracked jokes and talked about everything. We recited scriptures from the bible and we said "I love you" before she went to sleep. The next day, I came to the hospital. My mother squeezed my hand twice and the rest of my family showed up. My mom left me. I don't want to make anyone feel depressed or down on this website. I am just very sad and angry. My mom left very peacefully but she was my only friend. We talked everyday about 5-10 times a day about EVERYTHING. She knew everything about me. I am 23 years old and she has always been my best friend. My father, siblings and I are all close also. But no one is as close to me like my mom.
I really don't know how I will ever overcome these feelings of anger, loneliness and depression. I am a program coordinator at an agency that caters to HIV/AIDS children and families. I got that job while my mom was alive and she was so proud of me. I am a supervisor and basically running a lot at work;) But its hard everyday to get through work. Sometimes I don't think about her much at work but then there's a lady that is preparing for her wedding and she's always talking about meeting her mom after work to buy things for the wedding. I'm not angry at her but I feel myself getting angry because my mom and I can't go shopping anymore. I don't ever want to get married or have any kids anymore because she won't be able to interact with them.
People get on my nerves when they call and complain about work, bills, etc because all I can think about is "you have your mother". I don't wish death on anyone's family but I just find myself mad at anyone who begins to talk about their mother or the woman of their household.

I am in need of someone holding me and hugging me, telling me that they love me. But I know the feeling will never be the same feeling I got when my mother hugged me, held me and told me that she loved me.

ladybluepgh
Posts: 76
Joined: Sep 2007

Welcome...I'm so sorry to hear about your mother...I am very close to my daughter just as you were with your mom...we talk 4-5 times a day...even when we are both working...reading your message..it made me think about what my daughter must be thinking when she thinks about my breast cancer...Please know that your mom loved you just as I love my daughter...I value her friendship(she calls me her best friend) just as I know your mom valued your friendship and I am sure she misses you as much as you miss her...Try to remember all the moments you shared and know that she carries them with her just as you carry them in your heart...I hope you find peace in your heart as you learn to adjust without your mom but cherish all the memories you have of her...my prayers go out to you.

3cbrca
Posts: 208
Joined: May 2007

You have deepest sympathy and empathy. My died of lung cancer within 3 months of diagnosis when I was about your age and I spent a good couple of years being angry and confused. A few years later my mom, sister and good friend all died of cancer.
Now my younger brother (42) and I are both colon cancer survivors and I'm battling breast cancer.

You will overcome these feelings, but its not easy. Unfortunately it seems to take more time than we think it should. I feel the same way when I hear people complain - you have a cold - i have cancer. You have a job that lets you use your pain. There are so many HIV/AIDS patients that are feeling your same pain and confusion. If you have the opportunity let them know that you are feeling the same fear and pain and anger that they are feeling. Just as you need someone to listen to your pain, so do they. The thoughts you're having now are natural when we loose a parent when we are young. But they will pass. Talk about your mom as much as you can. I couldn't quit talking about my sister for two years. Her best friend and I spent hours drinking coffee laughing crying and we hardly knew each other. Today we are best friends and she has been one of my strongest supporters in my fight against cancer. My best advise is to get the pain and sad feelings out while still showing up for your work and your life. It won't be easy, but one day it will be like missing a headache. With a headache, you don't usually recognize when it goes away but you realize its gone. Its very similiar with grief. One day you realize you're happy again and don't really know when it happened but its here!! Find some people that you can trust with your anger, pain, sadness and rage. Maybe a support group in your community (Northwestern has a big cancer program with lots of support groups-other hospitals in Chgo do as well) and talk and talk and talk about your mom. You will feel better one day... All my best to you. SKH

TereB
Posts: 288
Joined: May 2003

I am very sorry about the loss of your mom. I am sure that wherever she is now, she stays close to you. I lost my mom when I was a little girl and I still wish she was around but it's no longer painful. I have a rare cancer for which there is no cure, it's slow growing, and I have learned to accept it. The hardest thing for me is dealing with my 25 year old daughter's feelings. We are close and have a very good relationship. I know she worries about me and it is very scary for her. I am not worried about dying but I worry a lot about my family, especially my daughter.

Grief comes in many stages and anger is one of them. There are grief support groups that can help you. Or you may choose therapy that can also help.

Ladybluepgh and 3Cbrca have good advise.

God Bless

Folks24
Posts: 97
Joined: Feb 2007

There is no set schedule on grieving. It takes a different amt of time for everyone. I can really relate to how you are feeling though I don't work in the same area you do.

I was a caretaker to both my folks and an only child. Dad had emphysema since I was 13 & died in 1993. My mother was in the hospital for 2 mos. I expected her to come home in 2 weeks and was setting things up when she took a turn for the worse &passed away within a day's time in 2001. I was so "stunned - deer in headlights" my only kin "cousins" made me go see my family dr.

Over time my anger has muted against the actions of some people who don't know how lucky they are to have family but this holidays are still real bummers. Certain times of year bother me too and probably will you too. You just learn to try harder to keep your mind off those things then. It ain't easy though.

All the advice I can give is hang in there and things will work out. They will never be the same but just a different kind of "normal".
Good Luck!

hopefulone
Posts: 1048
Joined: Jan 2007

My sincere sympathies on the loss of your mom.My mom passed 10 years ago and I still miss her a lot and I'm married with a daughter of my own.I hope you know in your heart that your mom would want you to go on to live and enjoy your life. Mom's want that for their children. Give yourself some time to get over the feelings of anger you have then realize that your in a position to do a lot of good for a lot of people. Use what your mom taught you. Your living your life to it's full potential...that will be a true tribute to your mom. God bless.

Diane

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Hi. It will be one year in December that I lost my Mom to cancer. She battled it for eighteen months but had been sick with lots of things, before they found the cancer, for years. I was her caregiver and also an only child. My Dad passed away 20 years ago the day before my birthday from cancer also. The pain from my Dad has gotten better. But it is still too new with my Mom. We were also best buddies. One month ago I finally went to hospice for grief counseling..I found that I was also getting angry at folks who kept complaining about their lives. I wanted to smack them upside the head some days. At the time I was taking care of Mom on family leave with no pay, I also had major surgery for a spinal cord tumor. I had minimal help from anywhere. Yes it was hard. But I have wonderful memories. About six hours before Mom passed I told her I loved her and she replied the same. So I have that one last memory to keep foever. Yes days are hard. But it does get better. Don't stop talking about your Mom. If you don't have a good friend to listen, find a place. Try asking the cancer society in your town to see if they can suggest something. Just don't keep the feelings locked up. You have much to share and it may even help to talk with someone else who has gone through a similar situation to yours. God Bless you and keep you close. I'm sure your Mom watches over you too. Cindy

dorion's picture
dorion
Posts: 187
Joined: Dec 2007

So sorry about your mom, I know it's been 14 years or so since mine died and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her or cry. I talk to her all the time. Reading your post makes me sad, cos I have a 9 year old precious daughter and I've recently been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and the time I got the news I was in shock, but I cried and still do, not for myself but for my little girl, who I absolutely love with every fiber of my being. She is my heart and my sole, my reason for living. I get so frightened to think of leaving her behind and having her sad. I will try my very best to beat this thing for her sake and mine. My point is.....I don't think that your mom would want you to be so sad, I know it's hard and you have to morn. But my comfort when my mom died was I beleive with all my heart that she is in a much better place and is always watching over me and my daughter that I wish she had met. So you my Darling, hang in there, trust me time is a wonderful healer. You will heal but you'll never stop missing her or needing her. But your pain will lessen as time goes by. If you need to chat you should try he chat room on the web page the people are wonderful and very supportive. Some of us have cancer and others are caregivers. At least your mom got to see you all grown. That is all I want, I want to be around long enough to see her grown. You take care of yourself. Know your mom is there always.

Linda

manna1qd's picture
manna1qd
Posts: 48
Joined: Dec 2007

I am so sorry about you losing your Mom. I think you have taken an important step by sharing your true feelings with others. I have heard When a parent dies, we lose our past. If we have a close relationship, we may also lose our present, especially if we are single and young. You also had the unfinished business of having her help you get on your way in your new apartment. I cried often when my father died. I felt physical pain as well as overwhelming emotional pain. As time went by, I found myself remembering him without crying, even when the memory was a sad one. Eventually, I could laugh again when I thought of fun things or things he did that drove me crazy! In the beginning, I couldn't believe that I could ever think about him without sobbing. If you are inclined, find a community of faith to literally hold you, comfort you, help you and be a sense of family, a place of belonging. I realized after years of having a relationship with an older man in my church that he had met some of the needs my father could no longer fill. He wasn't my father but my new normal included him, his wisdom, his mentoring of my husband (who also lost his father shortly after we got married - six months before I lost mine). Reach out, just like you are doing here. Bless you...a big hug...

RubiesLuckyOne
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2008

I want to thank you all for your support. I believe after I posted that message in October I closed my account. Today, I was feeling down about my mother again so I came back to this website. After reading everyone's comments, I had to re-register. So, of course I couldn't get back my original screenname. Reading my posting again and reading your comments made me cry and smile at the same time. I was so happy to hear that you all could relate to my feelings. Thank you again. I think this time I'm not going to close my account:-)

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