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Fiance dealing with cancer survivors family!

melissa77's picture
melissa77
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2007

My 31yr old fiance was diagnosed with a grade III anaplastic astrocytoma in Feb 06. Ever since then his parents have seemed to baby him every step of the way. In some ways it has hindered his recovery process. I have offered my help and my advice b/c I am an RN to them, after all this is the man I am suppose to marry and his parents dont seem to want any of my help and they even treat me like a child. They have the mentality that they are his parents and they know whats best for him which by the way is BS! Not to mention that my fiance was in a major car accident this past where he broke both of his legs and within the last 3 weeks he has had brain surgery again - which resulted in good news. Anyhow, I was wondering how are all the other significant others dealing with their loved ones family?!?! And are mine the only warped ones out there?!?! Has anyone been to counseling/ support groups and how has it helped?!?! I really, really look forward to hearing from anyone with good advice!!!!

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Melissa,

These future in-laws seem like trouble. Be grateful you know this now. Try to move towards counseling as a couple understanding that your fiance may not be strong enough to repel his parents' influence. If the situation does not improve, even when your fiance gets better, cut your losses and move on.

Love and Courage!

Rick

TereB
Posts: 288
Joined: May 2003

Does your fiance welcome the attention from his parents? That's the main question. If he likes it, there is not much you can do about that. I think it is up to him to let his parents know that he wants you to be there and that you are an important part of his life.

I have kids so I understand how a parent may worry. To be there and take care of your child is good but not if you interfere with the recovery and not if you ignore the other people important to your child. I do not know if his parents would pay more attention to what you have to offer if you were the wife.

I was in counseling and it really helped me a lot. When you have cancer, which is scary and depressing, and undergoing difficult treatments, sometimes it is hard to deal with the whole thing and also stand up for yourself, especially when you know others are trying to take care of you even if it is asfixiating you.

After counseling I was able to ignore those who were driving me crazy with their misinformed but well-meaning intentions. At one point I had to tell them to let me do things my way and to help me ONLY when I asked for help. I explained that I knew well what I could do and what I couldn't do and that I knew better than they did what I needed. My therapist didn't push me in any way, she said she would hold my hand for however long it was necessary and that is what I needed at the time.

If you find a support group and you do not feel comfortable, look for another one. The same with a therapist.

I just have to add that some of the best support I received at the beginning was from my dog and cats because they didn't overwhelmed me with attention and didn't tell me what was best for me. They simply kept me company even when I was throwing up. Somehow they knew I was not well and didn't leave my side.

I hope your fiance gets better and that your relationship with the in-laws improves.

All the best,
TereB

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