Sep 11, 2006 - 9:26 am
I lot my girlfriend nearly 2 and a half years ago to Ovarian cancer. She lived overseas during our first years of dating and I moved over when they found the second tumor, one they thought to be benign. But was actually somewhat cancerous. She was only 35 at the time. In less than a year and three different types of chemo later, she succumbed to to the disease. I had spent most of my waking hours in the final month cleaning the house, washing her clothes and visiting the hospital. I was also in charge of her care with her and did most of the scheduling of visitors.
After she died I spent the next year working and surviving. Her family had me out of our house within two months. Our mutual friends wouldn't return my phone calls. I didn't just have nightmare, I had daymares too, thinking of all of the horrible things that could happen at any given moment in time. I had some support from some amazing people, but I was essentially lost and am still lost now that I've returned to the States.
Over the course of the last year I've had periods of stability, but now I feel frantic again. I can't get a hold of myself. Situations of friendship and relationships with my family are hard for me. I find myself wanting to be alone, but when I'm alone I feel lonely.
I recently came out of a relationship with a woman who had also lost her husband (albeit in a very different way) and we had been trying to make it work, but it's too complicated. Now I'm obsessing about this too along with thoughts from 2 years ago. In short, I'm a nonfunctioning mess.
I am wondering if anyone can offer coping strategies. I am not particularly religious and I am seeing a fabulous social worker who knows about cancer well. Right now I just can't see through to the other side of this. I know that I had delaying my grief and mourning because I was in survival mode and that this is probably the first official year of getting back on my feet financially.
I know that breaking up with this other woman feels like death too because of all of the things we had wanted to do together but couldn't do. I have had my life thrown around like a rag doll for the part three plus years and I don't have a sense of purpose anymore.
Can anyone offer advise?