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Loss of a Mother ... My best friend

tprice
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2006

My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4b? NSLC in April 2006 and passed away June 18, 2006. She was only 61 and I'm 31. I'm not sure if she/I even had a chance to pass the initial shock. She willed herself to hold on as long as she could. She is the strongest most amazing mother and best friend anyone could ever ask for.

A bit of background about her and I … She has been my very best friend since junior high school and in the past 4 years we had grown even closer. I moved about three hours away from her because my boyfriend was transferred for work but it made us get even closer.

I feel very alone even though I have an amazing boyfriend and my family has been really great and I am so thankful for that but still feel alone and lost. I came back home as soon as I heard she was diagnosed and was going to stay home until the end … dr's said she had months only to live not years so wanted to spend every minute with her. But sad to say she just wasn't herself and have a really hard time with that .. she spent her last months worrying about everyone else but honestly think she knew I (the person everyone figured would have the hardest time) would be alright. We were both just glad that we had enjoyed each other and had no regrets or sad feelings ... just thankful we had been so close.

I have still been staying home with my dad whom my mom did everything for ... he is very overweight and so my mom did almost everything for him ... don't get the wrong idea about my dad ... he runs two companies and gets up and goes to work every day ... my mom was his caregiver so he has been really lost himself (We talk a lot but I can't even imagine what he is going through but he is Determined to take care of himself ... he says he owes it to my mom .... so we had to sell the house and move him in to an 50+ condo because he can't do it on their acreage ..

I looked into this website a few times but didn't ever have a chance to get involved with anything and now I'm a bit torn because I don't feel like I can understand a lot about cancer or can relate to treatment things or even empathize with caregivers because I never got a chance to take care of her like I wanted. I still want to continue to learn more and make sure I continue to support but I hurt quite a bit to read stories.

I am also struggling because I have been dedicated to helping my dad and am not sure if I have even started to deal with loosing her myself ... scared that once I get back to my own life that is when I will miss her and need her the most (she has always been my first call in the morning to work and the one I've started everyday with ... I miss her so much).

I'm not sure what I'm looking for but hope posting this is a start for me to begin healing.

aloka's picture
aloka
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2006

i know its hard to lose a parent i lost my dad almost 1 year ago, and it has not gotten any easier. i to have a wonderful boyfriend and 3 awesome kids but some days not having my dad takes all i have. when i think i'm ok and almost "over it" it slaps me in the face all over again.like six months after he passed i on my home work one saturday morning i tried to call(like i did every saturday morning, it was our time) and he didn't answer, after about the 4th ring i realized he was gone. it was like he died all over again. i hope it gets easier for you and i will pray for you if you need an ear let me know.

rodsangel
Posts: 6
Joined: May 2006

I am sorry that you have lost your best friend. Geez, reading your story, was almost like I wrote it myself. I too lost my mom, my best friend. I often thought I could never live without her, but there is life after death. I feel her around me so many times. I lost my mom two years ago. I was her caregiver, took her to all her chemo appointments, doctor's appointments. We shared everything, and anything. I am from a very large family, and we were all close to her. She was the strongest and most loving person I had ever known. They had given her six months to live, but we never told her. She lived for five years, and fought every step of the way, no matter how much pain she would have, she always had a smile on her face. She too, was the first person I called every morning, just so that we could check in with each other. I cried and screamed, and blamed God, and I was so angry! Why did she have to go? She was such a good person! After she passed away, little things started happening to me. Funny things. Unexplainable things. I knew it was her. I could feel her around me, all the time. My mom was an awesome singer. I had her on cassetes, singing songs. I made a cd for all of my brothers and sisters, of our mom singing. That was so hard! I would cry through the whole deal, trying to get the cd done. I never did make one for myself, but made sure they all got one. Your life will get better. Just know how much your mom loved you should touch your heart. And even though you never got to spend alot of time being her caregiver, believe me, it is heart breaking to be the caregiver, and feel the suffering and pain! Your mom left, knowing how much she was loved, and I am sure that she is looking down watching over you, in everything you are doing. Just keep holding on to the memories, and keep your faith!

tprice
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2006

Thank you very much your response really comforted me and as I read on you mentioned even more things that make me realize I am not alone. Unexplainable things ... me too ... never know if that is always a good thing to share with my friends and family ... might think I'm a bit crazy ... just kidding. I will take your advice and keep my memories close and my faith of course.

deuschland
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2006

I understand what you mean about not dealing with the loss yourself yet. My mom died 12/26/05. Stage 4 breast cancer that had spread to her bones and other organs. I was there at the end and when she died I went into the caretaker role, my father was so devastated, he did not want to beleive she was gone. They were married almost 50 years. It is so hard, after mom died i came back to my home and went back to work. That gave me some sense of my life being normal. I went back when we had a memorial service for her on what would have been her 73rd birthday. We recently took her ashes back to her homeland. I can go days living my normal life and then something will remind me of her and I cry like a baby but I have to be strong for my father, he is so lost without her. He took care of her for 5 years. I wish you luck in your healing process, I am still
trying to find a way to deal with it.

Saby
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2006

My heart goes out to you all. My mother has stage 4 breast cancer. She was diagnosed 7 years ago and went into remission, however this summer they found a brain tumor which was able to be removed and cancer in the collar bone area. I live overseas but since it was the summer I was able to go back and take care of her. Now that school has started I had to come back with my kids and be with my husband. I am having a very difucult time being in this country without any friends or family and most of all knowing my mother needs me. She is very weak and yesturday we found out that the chemo treatments are not working. I can relate to you all because she is my best friend we are extremly close and I can not bear the thought of losing her. I lost my father in a very trajic accident when I was in college and I only have 1 brother. I am new to this site and thought it would help to meet other poeple going through the same sitation.

tprice
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2006

I think this site might be a good for you. I have found it very comforting (although I wish I had more time to spend here). I am lucky that I only live a couple hours away from my father and one brother but to tell you the truth I think ready other people stories that are similar but not so related really allows me to be more free.

I also just wanted to tell you and anyone else that may read this that although it seems so sad/hard to go through this with your best friend I have felt like I am also very luck because I am at peace with the fact that we could not of had a better relationship for so many years and it didn't just happen when she became ill. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad cause sometimes an illness is what is needed to realize what is important. I did have a great relationship with my mom and now am trying to make sure I spend lots of time getting to know the rest of my family. See my mom is still teaching me lessons today.

Krystina
Posts: 4
Joined: Jan 2007

Wow! Im glad I found your message... I just lost my mother last month after a 15 year fight with 3 kinds of cancer. I'm an only child and I feel so helpless when it comes to caring for my dad, both emotionally and physically. Dad's healthy, but he does'nt show his grief and pain outwardly, and it's hard to get him to open up. I can totally relate to what you said about dealing with losing her... I'm not done needing a Mama, and it scares me! I'm 31, but she's always been the one I talk to, cry to, and get advice from, not my dad. Write me back, I'd be really interested in learning to let go.

cafemocha
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2007

I understand what you are feeling Krystina--I lost my mother almost 5 years ago at the young age of 48--I am 34 now so when she passed I was only 29---My mother had suffered from oral canacer for 5 years but was in and out of surgeries quite a bit during that time---My mom was my best friend and I feel it now more than ever since she is not here---I am also an only child---It has been hard and continues to be hard to deal with emotions/feelings--You never know what will 'set you off'--I wish I could tell you something different---Everyone deals with grief in their own way---there is no right or wrong way--I am sure you already know that---My dad who I am also very close to is healthy and has gotten his life back together---they were married almost 31 years when she passed---He is not the same as my mom was though---It was hard for me to see my dad alone though--I can't imagine what he was truly feeling but he did get through it--I don't know if my reply helps you at all but I feel it is always nice to have someone to chat with that may have some idea of what you have/had gone through....I know for me this holiday season has been the toughest---I don't know why--Somethings are just not
"explainable" I guess!! Take care and hopefully these posts help you work through your emotions!!!
Kym

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