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feeling lost

debcanmcg
Posts: 32
Joined: Jul 2005

My husband died 4-15-06 I get up and go to work most every day, I do ok there but fight not to go home. Today I was going to stay at my moms, drove aroung a while then drove home. The feeling of being lost is overpowering and my heart feels broken. If it werenot for my 12yr old son I think I could go to sleep and not wake up. My husband was a singer/musician and I have a cd of his singing that I must play all the way to and from work just so I can hear his voice. My son does not understand why I need to listed to it so much. He to missed his Dad but I guess I'm not doing something wright maybe not handling it wright. Got to go throwup again, just thinking about him so much and the pain he went through that last week make me ill and that all I can think about when its time to go home from work. Maybe I could have done more to help him maybe I should not have done the DNR Maybe. Today I found out that over 1.3million dollars was spent on him to keep him alive 23 months, for that on one person is the reason there is no cure. The last 2 months he was just exsisting not living. Now I.m just exsisting not living.

ireneingeorgia's picture
ireneingeorgia
Posts: 73
Joined: Jan 2006

I just read your post and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. YOu have to take one day at a time, baby steps, to get back into living. I am going through breast cancer now and it is difficult, I know it is difficult for those around me as well. But for your son's sake, hang in there, remember the good times, listen to his music, he's still part of you. If you want to write me you can. My yahoo account is ireneincordova@yahoo.com. Be well,sending you hugs and positive vibes. Know he is at rest.
Love
Irene

TereB
Posts: 288
Joined: May 2003

I am very sorry for your loss. Your feelings are very normal, you lost someone you loved very much. Have you thought about getting help from someone that specializes in grief or a grief support group? Not just for you but also for your son. Going thru grief with some help will make it a little easier for you and you can get back with your life after a while. You need to keep on living, not just exist, not only for yourself but also for your son.

A big hug,
TereB

inkblot
Posts: 705
Joined: Jul 2001

Hi,

My deepest sympathies for your loss. I can only imagine your pain and the feelings you must be experiencing.

First of all I don't believe there is any such thing as a "right" way to handle one's bereavement. We're all different and we all grieve differently. What others may perceive as strange, may be quite comforting to us.

Many of us know how it feels to have people telling us that we must get on with our life, etc.. And while they mean well, it's not exactly what we want to hear when we're hurting so badly and missing someone so intensely. I've seen far too many people try to push themselves over, under and around their grief...trying to "be strong" and in doing so, only bury the pain as opposed to a healthier approach of working through it, one day at a time. I think it's important to experience each part of our grief as it comes. The hurt, the feeling lost, the anger, the sadness, the depression, even the guilt of thinking there must have been something we could have done better or differently. That's a perfectly normal thing to feel really.

In the end, we come to realize that we made the best choices we could for our loved one, that we followed their wishes if they had expressed them, and that we loved and cared for and were by their side till the end. That's a phenomenal thing really and it shows amazing bravery and courage on your part and the part of everyone else who has been through such an experience. It's one of life's toughest times. One thing your husband must have known was how very much you loved him and what a comfort you must have been to him. And how fortunate you are to have his music to listen to!
I only hope that one day, as you listen to him sing, you may begin to sing along with him, in celebration of the life you shared together and the son borne of your love for one another.

No one of us can claim perfection and dealing with end of life issues is just the beginning for those of us remaining. We're humans and prone to errors in action, speech and manners and we don't all progress from square A to square B, right on schedule with that thing called the "majority". We do not all think the same or believe the same, so realize that this is ok. To my knowledge there is no such thing as a map for working through loss and grief and sometimes we must make up our own map as we go along and that's ok too. It's your grief and you need to express it in a way that is best for you.

As long as you are functioning and able to take care of the daily tasks of shopping, eating, bathing, etc., and taking care of your son, then you are doing ok I think. As many of us can attest, it can take far longer for our emotions to heal than for our physical pains to heal. Since April 15th is really just a short time ago. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's no need to feel rushed or hurried-on by what others think of as "normal" in working through your grief. You WILL feel alive again and feel that you're doing more than just existing.

To go a step further though, I strongly agree with TereB's suggestion of seeing a bereavement counselor. It cannot hurt and can potentially be very helpful to yourself and your son. Twelve years old can be a difficult age for kids. So much is going on with them, emotionally and socially and adding in the loss of one's Father and everything must seem very overwhelming to your son. I'm sure he would benefit from counseling to help him find his way...or perhaps just someone to talk to. Sometimes it's not easy for our kids to come to us because they really do worry about us too.

Just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other, take the best care of yourself that you can in eating well, getting some fresh air and exercise every day and trying to make sure that your son does the same. Kids often benefit from and need to be with their friends in times of difficulty so encourage him to spend time with his best buddies and try to maintain as normal a pattern as possible.

I know that your emotions are raw and probably even feel shredded at times, yet you MUST have hope that the days WILL become less grey and the nights will seem less long and dark, with time and patience.

Most insurances cover bereavement counseling, so why not give it a go?

Wishing you and your son well.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

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