Looking for Guidance

Mo67 · March 2006

My partner of 2 years has colon cancer. He has had it for approx. 5 years now. He was very upfront about his illness at the start of our relationship. We talked about it openly & frequently and I was prepared for anything. To be by his side whenever and where ever ,however in Jan 2006 he stopped calling me. The relationship was over and I knew it was because of his health. Without any details from him I knew that the cancer had spread and gotten worse.

He has just gotten back in touch again and in not so many words has told me the reasonfor "leaving" was due to his health.

I want to be that friend/caregiver for him, to lend an ear or a shoulder but only if he lets me.
I realize he is the one with the cancer, and that he has to go through this awful thing but he doesn't have to go through it alone. As a partner or a just a friend I am so wanting to be there for him, but what if he doesn't want to let me in - what can I do if anything.

Any insight or suggestions would be most welcome.
Thanks kindly

tkd3g · March 2006

I think you should show him your post. I think it says it all.

Maybe he is trying to protect you.

Everyone deals with cancer and possibly death in their own way.

If it were me, I'd go to him and say exactly what you said here. Let him decide. But, always be near, even if he needs some space now.

A short story: My best friend of 8 years said she would be there for me. And was... a little. She visited me in the hospital twice and came to 3 chemo sessions. We've had 2 phone conversations since then. THis is 2 years now. Mind you, we spoke to each other almost everyday, used to work out together, this was not a casual realationship. She was my best friend. OK, I'm "fine" now, but she is nowhere to be found.
As a cancer patient/survivor, I still need her. I don't think I drove her away, she just couldn't handle it...I guess.

So, talk to him.

Best of luck,

Barb

kangatoo · March 2006

tkd3g said:
I think you should show him your post. I think it says it all.

Maybe he is trying to protect you.

Everyone deals with cancer and possibly death in their own way.

If it were me, I'd go to him and say exactly what you said here. Let him decide. But, always be near, even if he needs some space now.

A short story: My best friend of 8 years said she would be there for me. And was... a little. She visited me in the hospital twice and came to 3 chemo sessions. We've had 2 phone conversations since then. THis is 2 years now. Mind you, we spoke to each other almost everyday, used to work out together, this was not a casual realationship. She was my best friend. OK, I'm "fine" now, but she is nowhere to be found.
As a cancer patient/survivor, I still need her. I don't think I drove her away, she just couldn't handle it...I guess.

So, talk to him.

Best of luck,

Barb

Hi Mo....I have to agree with Barb here. I doubt if any of us here have not been in the same situation. I think that many people find it extremely difficult dealing with any major illness let alone cancer. The real problem I think is that the big "C" is still a non-talking point because as soon as it is mentioned people always think..."ah...death sentence" and we al know that is so untrue. It therefore creates the "what I don't here, talk about, won't worry me," syndrome. Not necessarily to be selfish or uncaring...just that if one does not get involved it will go away.I don't blame former friends for not wanting to keep contact and like Barb....it does hurt. I just tell myself that they cannot cope and people in their own way either have the ability to do so or have not.
Of course the applies vice versa as well.
However in the case of your partner I suspect that he may well have rcvd. news of a bad prognosis and his attitude because of that may have changed. It could well be a defensive thing with him trying to "protect" you from enduring the horrid times many go thru.
Yes....I agree with Barb;
If it were me, I'd go to him and say exactly what you said here. Let him decide. But, always be near, even if he needs some space now.

You have nothing to lose so try that approach...you might well be surprised.
All the best, Ross and Jen

JADot · March 2006

Hi Mo -

It's so good of you to care.

After cancer I definitely found out who my real friends are.

If your friend has been in treatment, chances are he needs help with "little" things even if he doesn't want to talk about his big problems. Things like help with cleaning, a meal here and there, an inspirational book or a meditation CD. How about a pair of gloves for neuropathy? A friend of mine came one day, took my lasagna pan and returned it two days later with a week worth of Lasagna. I think perhaps your friend just need to start slow and get up to enjoying company again, little by little.

Some gift suggestions:
1. Book - Dr. Andrew Weil's book "Spontaneous Healing"
2. Guided Imagiry CD - Check Amazon for Ruch Naparstak
3. Gloves - The kind I like, which I haven't found, is something that has rubber outside and cloth inside so humidity won't build up and make your hands cold.
4. Some Chinese/Japanese preserved olives or plums to deal with nausea - check your local Chinese grocery store.
5. Some nice green tea, full of cancer fighting antioxidants.
6. A basket full of colorful organic peppers, tomatoes, blueberries, strawberries - full of cancer fighting antioxidants. My mouth is watering just thinking about it

7. A big tray of lasagna with wholewheat pasta and organic chicken - no beef or other redmeats.
8. A little space heater if he lives in a cold place. Many of us are really sensitive to cold in hands, feet and nose.

Just some retail-therapy ideas

Again, it's so good of you to care and your karma jar is overflowing! It's so good for us survivors to know that there are good people like you in the world who go out of their way to brighten someone else's day.

Cheers,
JADot

scouty · March 2006

Are there any other family/friends helping him out that you could talk to?

Barb and Kanga are right, no matter the situation in relation to his health, it is not just his decision on how "your relationship" deals with it. Your offer is wonderful and may need a neutral party to put it in the right perspective to him.

This disease sucks and no one should be without dear ones, especially ones that want to be there!!!!

Lisa P.

kangatoo · March 2006

scouty said:
Are there any other family/friends helping him out that you could talk to?

Barb and Kanga are right, no matter the situation in relation to his health, it is not just his decision on how "your relationship" deals with it. Your offer is wonderful and may need a neutral party to put it in the right perspective to him.

This disease sucks and no one should be without dear ones, especially ones that want to be there!!!!

Lisa P.

Hey Dot....wonderfull response with suggestions...you can visit me any day!LOL!

Betsydoglover · March 2006

Great advice from everyone here - as usual.

Tell him how you feel, but remember it is his disease and he may feel differently from you about how to deal with it. Still, I'm guessing he'll respond positively.

As a cancer patient, it is so common to have people react in an evasive way for as someone said they view the big "C" as a positive death sentence. A friend who just treats you "normally" is a wonderful thing. So approach him with the simple truths you have expressed here. I hope he responds to you in some way and that you can therefore help him

Betsy

spongebob · March 2006

Mo -

My friends all have some really wonderful advice for you here. Really, though, the bottom line doesn't lay with you. It lays with your partner. You - and any number of others for that matter - can offer a listening ear, a friendly word, physical and emotional support, a caring spirit... If your partner chooses not to accept it, that's his issue. It is not any sort of reflection on you and certainly doesn't mean that your selfless expression was unappreciated, or inappropriate.

This disease affects people in many different ways. Just looks at the example of Barb's "best" friend who shut her out when she got sick. Compare that response to you and how you wanted to be there when your friend got sick.

Some of us feel the need to go through this struggle alone or maybe it's just that we don't know how to graciously accept the love and support of another. Maybe it's because we don't love ourself enough yet to let someone else love us enough to help us through this battle.

Whatever the reason, just let him know that you love him and that you are there for him - whenever he's ready to be there with you.

You are a wonderful friend for what you're doing here. Truly a rare commodity in today's world.

Peace

- SpongeBob

JADot · March 2006

kangatoo said:
Hey Dot....wonderfull response with suggestions...you can visit me any day!LOL!

Sure thing, I'd love to visit Australia again any day of the year. I have this vision of me walking a wombat on a body harness

Hey, I thought you're supposed to come and visit me. Let me know when you get to San Francisco.

chynabear · March 2006

spongebob said:
Mo -

My friends all have some really wonderful advice for you here. Really, though, the bottom line doesn't lay with you. It lays with your partner. You - and any number of others for that matter - can offer a listening ear, a friendly word, physical and emotional support, a caring spirit... If your partner chooses not to accept it, that's his issue. It is not any sort of reflection on you and certainly doesn't mean that your selfless expression was unappreciated, or inappropriate.

This disease affects people in many different ways. Just looks at the example of Barb's "best" friend who shut her out when she got sick. Compare that response to you and how you wanted to be there when your friend got sick.

Some of us feel the need to go through this struggle alone or maybe it's just that we don't know how to graciously accept the love and support of another. Maybe it's because we don't love ourself enough yet to let someone else love us enough to help us through this battle.

Whatever the reason, just let him know that you love him and that you are there for him - whenever he's ready to be there with you.

You are a wonderful friend for what you're doing here. Truly a rare commodity in today's world.

Peace

- SpongeBob

He is so lucky to have you in his life and he just may not realize that yet. Like others have said cancer is a real test of friendship and you come to realize just who and what is important to you.

The responses on this post are great.

I remember when I was diagnosed I seemed to push a lot of people away because I didn't want to be as sick as I was and I associated "help" with "defenseless" and "dying." I remember how upset I was when people brought food and offerings of help and I remember yelling at my mother-in-law that, "I'm not dead." Thank God that she is so understanding and wonderful and was able to get through to me that these people's intentions (and hers) weren't associated with me dying but with helping me to heal.

I also remember thinking but never voicing that if I would have known that I would have gotten sick I would never have let anyone get this close to me.

My point is that we don't always act or react in the appropriate manner no matter how well we have things under control. Sometimes it is acting to protect ourselves or to protect someone else even though that isn't what happens.

I think it is important for you to express exactly how you feel and that you WANT and CHOOSE to be there even if it is just as a friend and that you want to be there no matter how good or bad things are or will be.

You are a blessing.

2bhealed · March 2006

hi Mo,

Some people need to go in their caves and lick their wounds alone for awhile.

When he stopped calling you did you stop calling him too? It can become an awkward dance not knowing how to act or what to say or not say.....I feel for you. I think it's worse being the caregiver sometimes. (I've been on both sides of the equation).

He may be the one with the cancer but it affects all who are in proximity and that would be you since you have been his partner for 2 years. That's huge. Maybe he needs you to prove your loyalty cuz if he's going down it's gonna be ugly. It is not easy sharing death and dying. It's intimate and public simultaneously.

when my sister was dying my other sister had to remind me that this was *her* death and she got to call the shots. No matter what. It was an awful rollercoaster ride and quite frankly it's not for the faint of heart. There were times that I just did not have the energy to be around her or be "up and positive" for her.

When she died there was a moment of relief as awful as that sounds.

This is not the movies with everything pristine and clean. I had to bathe her and dry her off and pull up her Depends onher bony little body. Hearing her cry out in pain just about ripped my heart out. Watching her waste away to nothing while her newborn baby girl thrived happily was enough to wanna go postal. The frustration and anger of cancer taking away this once beautiful vibrant loving mother took hold and it was many years before I was able to let that go.

I'm just giving you one vignette of what lending an ear or shoulder may entail. He may just need to know you will not abandon him.

sorry if I depressed you. This was just one person's reality. Perhaps not his.

peace, emily

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