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Me again... and this time I really need help

MJay's picture
MJay
Posts: 132
Joined: Aug 2004

Hi All~
I haven't been around in awhile, haven't posted in even longer even though I have tried to read everyday until the past few weeks.

Just when I thought cancer was the hardest thing I would ever have to go through....along comes my husband telling me he no longer loves me and wants a divorce.

There are two sides to every story and I know I was not a perfect wife- but I am human and no human is perfect. It is a long story that has a history prior to cancer but I always thought we could weather anything... we have dealt with sooo much in our 15 year marriage.

I am in a tailspin. I am so scared and angry and sad and lost. I think it sounds so utterly ridiculous when I say this is harder than cancer. I thought that would be the worst time of my life. Wrong again.

So now I am reaching out to ALL of my friends and once again leaning on them for support. I need the strength to pick myself up and carry on.. not just for myself but for our two children. I am not even a year out from finishing cancer treatments and I wonder where I am going to get this strength.

Thanks for listening.

MJay

tkd3g
Posts: 768
Joined: Aug 2004

Hi MJay

I am so so sorry this has to be happening to you right now. Unfortunately, sometimes marriages can't weather an illness like this. And if there were issues before one person gets sick, that just added to a tough situation.

I can't give you any first hand experiences. I'm sorry.

I can tell you this, though:You made it thru cancer treatment. You can make it thru this.

I would be happy to help you any way I can.

Please feel free to e-mail me. You can vent anytime you want to.

Hang in there. Remember the storm comes be for the sunshine.

Hugs to you.

Barb

kerry's picture
kerry
Posts: 1317
Joined: Jan 2003

Hi MJay,

There are several of us who have gone through very tough times with our cancer/treatment and then to add insult to our situation, we have a marriage that falls apart.

We are here for you. I went through some tough times and tried to understand that it is hard for the "care"taker to help. My husband was never a care taker, I depended on my friends and family for that, he couldn't handle that, but once I realized that he just couldn't handle "imperfection" I began to come alive myself and know that I could do anything.

My husband and I are still together and we will both be attending the "semi-colon" reunion - we've come a long way and he tries in his own way to be supportive - but I still depend on friends and family for my mental and emotional support.

It is a very tough disease on everyone. I wish you the very best. Hang in there, if you can make it work, do it, if not, then you don't need him.

Fondly,

Kerry

crazylady
Posts: 544
Joined: Jun 2004

Hi M Jay,
I'm so sorry for everything that you are going through. All the emotions that you are feeling are perfectly normal. I know from personal experience that you will find the strength. My marriage was over before I was diagnosed with cancer. We lived together for many years for various reasons. The cancer delayed him moving out until this past January. I was still on chemo at the time. Yes, it's been difficult and sad and stressful and extremely scary, but so much better in some ways. I think the reason that it seems harder than cancer is because so much of yourself and so many years go into marriage. I see a therapist which has really helped me.
Remember to take care of yourself!
Jamie

Moesimo's picture
Moesimo
Posts: 1075
Joined: Aug 2003

MJay,

I don't know what to say, but I know that you will find the strength to get through this. You seem like such a strong lady.

Have you tried counseling?

You will find the strength to get through this. Do you have any family or friends to help you get through this? I know that my friends were great when I was going through my cancer treatments.

As you can see, I really don't know what to say and I am fumbling, but I want you to know that you can email me if you want.

When I have had tough times to get through my kids have helped because they add some normalcy to my life. I lost a son when my older kids where 2 and 5 and I thought I would never get through that. But I did and went on to have another child. During my grieving period my kids helped me because I had to help them. They gave me a reason to get up everyday and a reason to cook supper. They gave me a reason to live.

Know that we are here for you and feel free to vent whenever you want.

Maureen

taraHK
Posts: 1961
Joined: Aug 2003

Oh, honey -- I am so very sorry. What a blow. I can't even imagine what you are going through. But, I do know that this disease does take its toll in terms of stress on marriage. I know you will find the strength to carry on -- and in splendour. Meanwhile, like the song says, "Lean on Me [us]"
With love,
Tara

Btrcup's picture
Btrcup
Posts: 287
Joined: Jun 2004

I am sorry to hear this awful news. These times are so tough on everyone. Before Scott was diagnosed, we were not in a good place in our marriage. I was looking into apartments for me and the kids. I was so unhappy and angry most of the time. Then when Scott was diagnosed, I realized how much I loved him. His cancer brought us closer together (crazy as it sounds)! But I think back now of my feelings of anger & unhappiness and think to myself I would rather feel that than what I am feeling now...hopeless and sadness of watching him get sicker & sicker and not being able to do anything about it.

I hope you find happiness. We will be thinking about you.

Linda

2bhealed's picture
2bhealed
Posts: 2084
Joined: Dec 2001

hi MJay,

Geez that really sucks! I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand that this could be harder than going through cancer. With cancer we're not going to feel the emotions of rejection and loss that being told your husband no longer loves you and is divorcing you is going to. Cancer can become the focal point of the battle, but how can the father of your children become the enemy focal point? I would think it would be way harder.

So the question for me is: can you go into counseling? Is there hope? Are there issues that can be addressed together? Or is he set on this?

I am just so sorry.

peace, emily

neon356
Posts: 137
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi Mjay,
Sorry to hear the news. Shortly after my diagnosis I saw that my wife of 28 years was not able to deal with the situation, and within a year she left the relationship leaving me with enormous bills, and a 16 year old to take care of at a time when I was still barely able to take care of myself. I felt as you do now- frightened about having to go it alone, sad, and very angry. But what else is there to do but get on with the business at hand,
continue the battle with this terrible illness, and in the end find youself to be a person stronger, more courageous, more
resilient, and certainly more self reliant than you ever thought yourself capable of. Just let him go, he's not worth worrying
about and, most importantly, it's not your fault that he can't deal with the situation. This is your time and if he can't recognize
that it's best he be out of your life. You'll be OK, and when the time is right you'll find youself in the unique position of being a
much stronger person able to start a new life for yourself, and perhaps find a new love to share your hopes and dreams with.
So keep up the fight, tell him to go to Hell, and before you know it this bad time in your life will all be in the past. Regards,....
Carl

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1280
Joined: Nov 2001

Hi Mjay,
I am so sorry for the pain you are going thru. My first wife left me and took my two young children, her excuse was that she needed greener pastures ,whatever that means. I spent the next ten years as a hermit,with work and fishing as my only solace. There were many times that I thought that I could not survive then I met Susan and my life turned around for several years until cancer arrived. I believe that my broken heart has helped my survival ,life just can't hurt me any more so I just let life and time take its course. Use the strenghth and courage of your cancer survival help you through this latest trial ,it won't be easy and the emotional pain is greater than anything cancer can throw at you but believe me you and your children will come out of this ok,Ron.

jana11
Posts: 708
Joined: May 2004

I am so sorry... please know you have many friends here who care. Hopefully this will hurt less with time.

You are sooo strong, cancer survivor!!!! Think back to how you dealt with the cancer diagnosis, and try to give yourself more strength. You have it within you.

Take care, jana

neon356
Posts: 137
Joined: Mar 2004
taunya's picture
taunya
Posts: 392
Joined: Jul 2002

MJay,
I am so sad that you are going through this! I cannot imagine how hard this must be. I do think that eventually you will find that the cancer was indeed more difficult to conquer than this.
You are strong and will be able to navigate this new obstacle. Emily gave some sage advice about exploring the options and then dealing with the reality.
I also agree with the two therapy suggestions. I would not have made it through without it!The right counselor can really help.
God Bless you. E-mail if you need to vent. I listen well ;)
Love,
Taunya

scouty's picture
scouty
Posts: 1973
Joined: Apr 2004

MJay honey,

I went thru a "divorce" after 13 years just 3 months before my DX. After the "bad news", my ex wanted to come home and help me but it was all for the wrong reasons. I chose to not let it happen and have not regretted it since. Now, I am not saying going thru this alone was easy by any means, but I feel that my internal growth has been worth every second of it. I have now "outgrown" my ex and look forward to many happy tommorows. I don't have children like you do so I would never try to guess what that feels like, but trust in God and yourself. Durn honey, you beat off the beast, you can do anything now. I completely understand that you can't understand that for a while but trust me, that light bulb will go off when you least expect it. And who knows, maybe hubby will wake up and smell the coffee too. If not, maybe he doesn't deserve someone as special as you in the first place.

Lisa P.

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