Jul 10, 2005 - 5:07 pm
Hello. My name is Patricia and I was diagnosed with Stage III (first node was positive) colon cancer 10/5/04 (the day after I turned 27 and was having my colonoscopy).
I insisted on moving my treatment right along because I wanted to be done with this ASAP. I had the colon-resection surgery, or joined the semi-colon's as someone so cutely put it, on the 8th and started chemo the instant they would allow me. Initially, I didn't realize just how sick I am/was and it was easier being optimistic and strong. I approached chemo (5-fu, Oxilaplatin, Leukivorin I'm sure I spelled these wrong) with a kick-butt attitude and for the most part did fine. I thought I could put this whole nonsense behind me once I was able to move with my husband. I thought wrong.
My daughter will turn 2 on July 30. I am so scared that I will not be here for her while she is growing up and I notice that I am having trouble sleeping at night because I am so scared. My husband just thinks that I am being negative and that we will "deal with" anything that happens and that I shouldn't stress myself out over something I don't even know. He's also worried that this way of thinking will in fact bring the cancer back.
I finished chemo in April and have finally scheduled my follow-up with an oncologist for the 19th of July. My CT and PET scans all came out fine back in November. I am just so scared and have such a bad feeling about it. Every time I hear that colon cancer can be defeated when caught early, my heart just skips because what about those of us who weren't caught early? And, how could i have been so sick when I didn't even feel bad?
When does it stop feeling like the other shoe is going to fall?
I finally realized that I need to get help because the life I am fighting so hard to live for won't be worth living if I can't live it without tears and anger and fear.
The worst part is that I have probably had cancer for 5+ years. I went to the doctor three times (once in 2001, then on 8/25/04, then finally 9/2004) before anyone would even validate my fears. Plus, I am totally not the doctor type. I go when I know I can't fix it.
I guess I realized that I need someone to talk to who understands what I am feeling and going through. Thankfully I found this site today. It also helped to see that I am not the only one who became a "chemo-tubby".
Thanks for listening,